Rip Sirius Black, You Would’ve Loved All The Jake Gyllenhaal Slander.

plot: severus is confronting sirius after getting drenched with charmed water balloons.

severus: there’s a special place in hell just for you.

sirius: *placing his hand on his chest dramatically and wiping away a fake tear* f-for me? a special place in hell JUST for ME? that’s so sweet, so kind, and so welcoming.

james: *holding up his smudged glasses* reg, darling, can you get me something to clean my glasses with?

regulus: sure. *stands up and walks over to sirius, rips his shirt off his back, and gives the torn piece to james*

james: *cleaning his glasses* thank you, my love.

james: what’s the shadiest thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

remus: turn a bunch of kids into werewolves, just to start an army.

lily: being prejudiced against half-bloods and muggle borns whilst being a half-blood themselves.

sirius: try to conceive for years, then become abusive to the very kids they were dying to have.

james: o-oh, i was just gonna say nick my sweaters right after they said that their fashion sense is nothing like mine…

regulus: i never said, nor did such a thing.

the marauders as the types of people you’d see on eid day! (eid at the prongs household)

wakes everyone up at 6am bc family is coming over: james.

is having the time of their life cooking in the kitchen or making all kinds of desserts: peter

spends HOURS getting ready, so they have to be woken up extra early: sirius and marlene.

gets dragged by their feet to go to eid prayers: sirius

“give me the fucking money” : remus and regulus.

hands out money in cute little envelopes: mary and lily.

uses a money shooter and enjoys watching the battle royale as everyone dives to the ground to collect as much money as possible: sirius and regulus // euphemia and fleamont.

steals all the money from the kids: dorcas.

sirius: i feel like i absorb the positive energy from the people around me.

remus: so you’re kind of like a dementor?

sirius: no, i don’t suck the joy out of people.

remus: debatable.

sirius: WHATDOYOUMEAN?!

plot: regulus and sirius are secretly on the facetime with each other.

regulus: mother says that my “night time calls have to stop” she thinks i’m being too disruptive while she and father are trying to sleep.

sirius: aren’t old people supposed to be, i don’t know…hard of hearing? like, what’s up with the spidey sense luv? you tryna sleep or eavesdrop?

regulus: *bursts out laughing, eventually losing balance and falling off his chair*

sirius: *bursts out laughing at regulus, and ends up falling off his bed*

both of them stayed on their floors, staring at each others’ foreheads in the camera frame, wheezing with laughter for about 10 minutes.

plot: sirius got dumped.

james: do you feel like you weren’t enough? is that why you feel so choked by your emotions?

sirius: i know i’m not enough, otherwise he wouldn’t have left me.

marlene: did you get the weird breathing trouble yet?

sirius: what, asthma? i’ve had that for ages.

james and marlene: *burst out laughing*

sirius: *gives in and starts laughing through his tears*

sirius tricked james into telling him about his relationship with regulus, regulus isn’t happy.

regulus: first things first, james here is a fucking idiot, and if he tells you anything fucking different he’s a liar and a fucking snake.

regulus: *smacks james on the forehead*

regulus: fuck you.

barty: your ex is waiting by the common room entrance, they’re begging to talk to you.

regulus: *applying nail polish*

regulus: too bad, i only do second coats not second chances.

*sirius struggling in the kitchen at 3 am.*

remus: what’s going on, love?

sirius: trying to rip the slutty little fishnets off my damn oranges.