I Can't // Mitch Rapp X Reader

i can't // mitch rapp x reader

the day was long enough as it was; your body lethargic, dirt staining your skin as it burrowed toward your nail beds, forehead slightly pink from the blood that you wiped away. you stared at the remnants on the back of your hand as you waited for the elevator to reach your floor.

time was moving slowly, caused by the exhaustion from the mission you had just completed. barely completed. alone, but with enough luck to get you by. the beckon to report your conclusion in person was a weight that made your shoulders drag. your head hanging with as much disappointment. you cursed, aloud, and to yourself, but still found your empty body waiting in the lobby of the CIA's empire.

leaning against the frame, you listened as the elevator sung, the contraption opening at a decreased pace, predetermined energy conserved to just get you past the doors -

you saw gold. you always did whenever you looked at him, it was the first feature that entrapped you from the very beginning. they were hidden behind hooded eyes but you were still magnetised. he looked just as tired as you, if not more, the length of his hair long enough to lick at his cheeks as he finally focused on your waiting form.

his gaze grew slightly. it was as if realisation hit, and you only just managed to stop the door from closing as you spent your time staring at one another in silence.

you were alone today because of him. he was alone today because of you. it was never like this - never alone. you and mitch rapp shared every second of your lives at one point, and it was glorious to revel in a partnership that stretched beyond the field. but you didn't just have each other's backs, you had each other's hearts.

muscles that not only pumped blood, but held passion and endearment. that kept promises and oaths. hearts that were given to another for safe keeping - but they ended up shattered, like everything in this cruel world that kept you employed.

you took a step forward and spun away from him, your nose inches from the closing door. he remained at the back. it is a shame that your job left you both bitter and stubborn - emotional regulation gone out the window, patience slipping through fingers that hardly had the energy to grasp anymore. you both would argue from the moment the sun exchanged roles with the incandescence of night, to when the birds sung their morning lullabies.

it provoked two souls to tear apart. but the giddying warmth, the contentedness that often hid behind closed doors, the love that pulled you two together once upon a time still lingered. and it fucking hurt.

"i miss you."

your voice was hardly recognised by your own ears, but mitch heard perfectly. it was a thought that swam in your mind daily and the courage to let it slip past trembling lips was only found when all defences were down. a bitter-sweet opportunity forced by your fatigued demeanour. your tone was quiet but it still shook. nearly as much as the contraption you were standing within.

it made mitch gulp. the innocence of your tone thumped strongly in his chest, the confession making his fingertips twitch with need. he stared at the back of your head before you were getting closer, his feet absentmindedly pulling him toward you.

the next sound he heard was your breath hitching. his own hitting your neck as he stood behind your form, hands desperate to grab onto your waist. but he forced himself back before the roughness of your denim jeans could graze his callused skin.

florals. even after the day you had, he could still smell the floral scent of your shampoo. or maybe it was just burnt so thoroughly in the back of his mind that he was imagining it. just like this moment. he dreamt of it so much.

he also dreamt of the moment he would hear the angelicness of your voice again.

and the way you would touch him.

how he would touch you.

but this world is indeed cruel. and this man has loved and lost before. twice, now.

he wanted to reassure you, but found it difficult to push sentiments from the weight of his tongue. he could end it right here, right now. but he won't. he can't hurt again, and he would only hurt you more in the end.

mitch drew a deep breath and you felt it once again as it tickled loose hairs on your neck.

"i can't."

strained syllables escaped him as his pained tone cracked through the empty elevator space. it echoed, digging deeper in your hearts the more the sound reverberated. he squeezed his eyes closed, the honey shade disappearing.

the movement around you both stopped, the door opening to your destination.

you drew a deep breath now, finalising the anguish that pushed and pulled in your chest.

"i know."

More Posts from Sibyllinebooks and Others

4 months ago

this is fucking terrifying

i watched the livestream of trump signing executive orders and answering questions from the press. here are some of the big ones + other things mentioned today:

trump declared a national emergency at the southern border + is getting the US military more involved in stopping "invasions including mass migration"

no one can declare asylum in the US

all existing appointments for people wanting to legally become US citizens are canceled

birthright citizenship (aka the 14th amendment) is now gone

ICE sweeps beginning "soon," not specifying when (though there are rumors it's starting tomorrow in sanctuary cities such as chicago)

mexican cartels are now designated "foreign terrorist organizations" and trump is not opposed to US troops entering mexico to eliminate them

he restored the death penalty for "crimes committed by illegal aliens"

biden had signed an executive order attempting to stop cops from using chokeholds or doing no-knock warrants. trump just revoked that order

25% tariffs on canada and mexico begin on feb 1 2025 — expect a lot of produce imported from mexico to get more expensive soon

tariffs on china will begin soon, not specified when

trump said he intends to take back the panama canal, did not specify when or how

january 6 insurrectionists are to be immediately released/pardoned

he pardoned the leader of the proud boys

tiktok has a 90 day extension, during which the US gov will try to buy 50% of tiktok. trump said he no longer cares that china is "spying on our young people," but he wants to buy half of tiktok so the US government "can police it a little bit, or a lot." if tiktok will not sell, it will be banned in the US again.

he claims the people of greenland want to become part of the US

he says the gulf of mexico is now to be called the "gulf of america" + denali is now to be called "mount mckinley"

alaska is to be mined and become the US' main source for fossil fuels

the green new deal and "electric vehicle" (green energy) mandates are over

the US has withdrawn from the paris climate agreement

the US has withdrawn from the world health organization

reproductiverights.gov is already gone

the US now "only recognizes two genders, male and female"

trans women prisoners are to be housed in male prisons; gender affirming care for prisoners is gone

self-identification for gender on passports, government IDs, and social security cards is gone

all federal employees are required to work in the office five days a week, no more working from home

trump said the US is going to "pursue our manifest destiny into the stars" and plant a US flag on mars

sources on what executive orders were signed: one two three

and lastly, some things that happened during the inauguration:

the pastor who blessed the inauguration during the swearing in ceremony has already announced a new meme coin/cryptocurrency

trump did not put his hand on the bible + there are rumors the pope is going to say trump is the antichrist

the wealthiest people on the planet — the CEOs of twitter/tesla, amazon, google, meta, and even the CEO of tiktok — who own almost all communication platforms used by westerners — stood directly behind trump as he was sworn in

elon musk, the wealthiest person alive, who has been given his own vaguely-defined US government agency, did a nazi salute on stage at the presidential podium. neo-nazis are already celebrating


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2 months ago

i have this idea in my head but i don’t know if i should write it out properly or just do a bullet point post for it. i feel like i’m better at bullet point format posts but what would you guys prefer??


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3 weeks ago

and when i say that anakin skywalker could’ve been good and stayed good, i mean that with my full chest. the jedi council was careless and viewed him as a prophecy, not a person. their own arrogance is what drove him away and i stand by that. they didn’t care enough to monitor what was happening around him. the jedi had it coming i’m ngl y’all.


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1 month ago

stiles lets his anxious girlfriend run her hands through his hair as a coping mechanism i don’t make the rules

— signed, someone who actively does this


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2 months ago

it’s up!! not quite a full fic but it’s smth

i have this idea in my head but i don’t know if i should write it out properly or just do a bullet point post for it. i feel like i’m better at bullet point format posts but what would you guys prefer??


Tags
1 month ago

no i love YOU so much 😭🫶🏻

stiles x autistic!partner hcs

a/n: april is autism awareness month and i wanted to do smth with our favorite boy! 🫶🏻 reader has lower support needs ( as this is based off of my experience as an autistic person with lower support needs ). not everything will be applicable to all readers.

Stiles X Autistic!partner Hcs

he’s not unfamiliar with autism, exactly. he knows a lot of his adhd traits intersect with autism traits, but he’s never had a reason to explore it further.

until you.

when he learns that you’re autistic, he goes on one of his adhd deep dives ( sort of like when he went on the werewolf dive when scott was first bitten ).

he knows a LOT about diagnostic criteria ( and sometimes wonders if he himself fits it but that’s for another time ).

he also learns what your dislikes are— tastes, textures, sounds, etc. so he can do his best to keep them away from you. he also knows that are perfectly capable of doing those things yourself but he keeps track anyway because he loves you and he wants to help.

he’s never infantilized you before and he knows that you are your own person. god forbid anyone tries to take your autonomy or imply that because you’re autistic, you can’t do simple things or basic tasks.

but if you do end up needing a little help here and there, he doesn’t mind. he knows what it’s like to struggle with neurodivergence and he’s had a lot of practice with his own. maybe he messes up sometimes but he has good intentions.

he notices shifts in your behavior almost instantly. most of your friend group does but that’s due to supernatural senses; stiles just has an innate focus on you and learns to tell when something is different.

and he does his absolute best to soothe whatever is causing your distress. if some of your classmates are talking too loud or yelling across the cafeteria, he asks to take you outside away from it. or if you’re at a party and suddenly there’s too many people around, he’ll take you to somewhere more secluded. overstimulation is a feeling he knows well, so he sympathizes and does what he can to aid you.

he memorizes a lot of your coping mechanisms. whether it’s the way you tap your fingers together or how you brush the fabric of your skirt back in forth because it’s a texture you like or the rapid onset of blinks that seem to go like clockwork, he knows them all. sometimes he uses them too.

YAP SESSIONS. having an adhd boyfriend is a blessing when it comes to conversation.

he can talk for hours on any of his given topics and so can you. hyperfixations and special interests go hand in hand and god forbid if both of you have the same one at the same time. it happened once and you both ended up staying up all night without realizing it because you were too in depth with your conversation.

and just because he likes to talk, it doesn’t mean he won’t let you talk. sometimes when he needs his brain shut off, he’ll ask you to talk about one of your special interests. not because it bores him, but because he likes listening to the sound of your voice and because your passion for the subject makes it interesting to him. he likes knowing why you enjoy things so much and it helps him when he’s feeling overwhelmed.

he downloaded a text-to-speech app for you for times when you go non-verbal. lydia did too but he was the first because he wanted to make sure that everyone was still able to understand you. communication king.

stiles is REALLY bad at following schedules but if you need one, he makes sure he has it memorized and reminds you when it’s time for something. he can do it for others but when it comes to himself ? not so much.

you went to give him a hug once and his shirt was a fabric/texture you hated, so he threw it away. he wants you to be comfortable around him.

he keeps your safe foods stocked at his house and some in his backpack just in case. once, the cafeteria decided to experiment with the menu and it did not turn out well.

if someone asks “what kind of autism do you have?” he gets defensive. as someone who has dealt with adhd stereotypes and ignorant comments, he hates to see it happen to you.

1 month ago

stiles and his best friend who is in love with him and he can’t see it.

it’s no secret stiles stilinski is a nerd. he’s awkward sometimes and he’s never had that many friends— not that he really needed more than scott and you. he says his thoughts without thinking and his sarcastic nature gets him in trouble more often than not. and he’s never been good at talking to girls. girls he likes, that is. he’s been in love with lydia martin almost as long as you’ve been in love with him. except you can count on one hand the number of times he’s spoken to the redhead without making a complete fool of himself. and if you weren’t wishing it was you that made him trip over his words, you’d find it funny. but you do wish it was you, and you don’t find it funny that all she does is blow him off.

it’s not as if your affection for stiles is a secret. he’s one of your best friends, of course you hug him and run your fingers over his buzzed hair and fix his shirt collar and help him with homework and joke about his jeep and do all of the things best friends do. but there’s a yearning in all of those actions, a desire to mean more to him than what you are that consumes you. the lingering glances and the just-too-long touches are obvious to everyone else but stiles. he doesn’t recognize that the way you act around him is the same way he acts around lydia. how could he? he’s never been the one girls want ( as far as he knows ).

scott tries to help. he really does. he sees how much you care for his best friend, can sense just how far gone you truly are. but it doesn’t work. after all, if scott can be with allison, why can’t stiles be with lydia? it could work. those words were said verbatim and it crushed you. why can’t he see that someone already loves him? that the way he is now is the way you want him, always and forever. that he doesn’t have to be popular or first line or supernatural or anything other than who he is at his core.

and when someone mistakes you for dating one another, he laughs. he laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard and says, “she’s my best friend.” and the finality in his tone snaps your heart in two but you smile and nod along as if it’s ridiculous that you and stiles would ever date. as if it’s not the one thing you want more than anything, as if it’s not the wish you make every time you blew out a birthday candle, as if it’s not the subject of your happiest dreams. stiles doesn’t see you that way. he never will.

stiles and his best friend who can’t take the pain of being in love with him.


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1 month ago

so anyway if anyone wants to write a void!stiles smut fic based off of the beast by lady gaga ….. i just think that would be neat ok ( this post is me giving express permission for someone to use this idea just tag me when you finish it for .. academic research purposes )


Tags
2 months ago

idk if y’all remember when i said i went to the er a couple months ago but i ended up going back tonight for the same issues and! to no one’s surprise i have to go see a cardiologist soon lol ( shout out to the doctor who said the nurse who told me it was just my anxiety was wrong )


Tags
1 month ago

stiles x autistic!partner hcs

a/n: april is autism awareness month and i wanted to do smth with our favorite boy! 🫶🏻 reader has lower support needs ( as this is based off of my experience as an autistic person with lower support needs ). not everything will be applicable to all readers.

Stiles X Autistic!partner Hcs

he’s not unfamiliar with autism, exactly. he knows a lot of his adhd traits intersect with autism traits, but he’s never had a reason to explore it further.

until you.

when he learns that you’re autistic, he goes on one of his adhd deep dives ( sort of like when he went on the werewolf dive when scott was first bitten ).

he knows a LOT about diagnostic criteria ( and sometimes wonders if he himself fits it but that’s for another time ).

he also learns what your dislikes are— tastes, textures, sounds, etc. so he can do his best to keep them away from you. he also knows that are perfectly capable of doing those things yourself but he keeps track anyway because he loves you and he wants to help.

he’s never infantilized you before and he knows that you are your own person. god forbid anyone tries to take your autonomy or imply that because you’re autistic, you can’t do simple things or basic tasks.

but if you do end up needing a little help here and there, he doesn’t mind. he knows what it’s like to struggle with neurodivergence and he’s had a lot of practice with his own. maybe he messes up sometimes but he has good intentions.

he notices shifts in your behavior almost instantly. most of your friend group does but that’s due to supernatural senses; stiles just has an innate focus on you and learns to tell when something is different.

and he does his absolute best to soothe whatever is causing your distress. if some of your classmates are talking too loud or yelling across the cafeteria, he asks to take you outside away from it. or if you’re at a party and suddenly there’s too many people around, he’ll take you to somewhere more secluded. overstimulation is a feeling he knows well, so he sympathizes and does what he can to aid you.

he memorizes a lot of your coping mechanisms. whether it’s the way you tap your fingers together or how you brush the fabric of your skirt back in forth because it’s a texture you like or the rapid onset of blinks that seem to go like clockwork, he knows them all. sometimes he uses them too.

YAP SESSIONS. having an adhd boyfriend is a blessing when it comes to conversation.

he can talk for hours on any of his given topics and so can you. hyperfixations and special interests go hand in hand and god forbid if both of you have the same one at the same time. it happened once and you both ended up staying up all night without realizing it because you were too in depth with your conversation.

and just because he likes to talk, it doesn’t mean he won’t let you talk. sometimes when he needs his brain shut off, he’ll ask you to talk about one of your special interests. not because it bores him, but because he likes listening to the sound of your voice and because your passion for the subject makes it interesting to him. he likes knowing why you enjoy things so much and it helps him when he’s feeling overwhelmed.

he downloaded a text-to-speech app for you for times when you go non-verbal. lydia did too but he was the first because he wanted to make sure that everyone was still able to understand you. communication king.

stiles is REALLY bad at following schedules but if you need one, he makes sure he has it memorized and reminds you when it’s time for something. he can do it for others but when it comes to himself ? not so much.

you went to give him a hug once and his shirt was a fabric/texture you hated, so he threw it away. he wants you to be comfortable around him.

he keeps your safe foods stocked at his house and some in his backpack just in case. once, the cafeteria decided to experiment with the menu and it did not turn out well.

if someone asks “what kind of autism do you have?” he gets defensive. as someone who has dealt with adhd stereotypes and ignorant comments, he hates to see it happen to you.


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twenty. queer. neurodivergent.

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