Bucky And Steve: *in A Hot Tub*

Roses are red,

What's your biggeat fear,

Bucky's dead,

Happy new year

Sam: bucky and i were crossing the street and this dude drove by and honked at us

Zemo: *sighing* what did he do?

Sam: he chased him to the next red light, then reached into the window and...

Bucky: WHO WANTS A STEERING WHEEL?!

Steve: what do you want to eat?

WinterSoldier: the souls of the innocent

Bucky: a bagel

WinterSoldier: NO!

Bucky: two bagels

Nat:Y/n, peter. What is the the meaning of this ridiculous high pitch scream? I see no blood.

Karen: your stupid reckless little ones just hit my angel hunter in the face with a snowball

Hunter: *wines*

Nat: and your name is?

Karen: Karen

Nat: ah Y/n peter you have exactly one opportunity to tell me what happened to hunter

Y/n: simple peter and i had constructed bunckers on either side of field

Peter: and we blow air horn as to warn other children this was now hotspot and epic snowbattle was about to commence

Y/n: in heat of snow ball battle with peter and i hunter snuck passed our barriers and simply og hit by crossfire

Nat: simple explanation your child is incompetent

Karen: you little monsters. So your just rising future criminals

Nat: i think only crime here is naming your son hunter. Should be pylon or sitting duck

Karen: you know what

Nat: waht you going to do karen teres no managers out her

Y/n: so if you were in this age group you are most likely to experience a serious violent crime: 10-12, 13-16, 18-21, 15-18

Loki: 10-12

Y/n: no its 18-21

Loki: clearly this is not based off my life

Y/n: yeah im not going to open that can of worms

Bonus :

Y/n: you next.

Nat: alright shoot

Y/n: men in this state statistically buy small sized protection: Pennsylvania, Kentucky,

Nat: Missisipi

Y/n: i didnt even-

Y/n: thats right

Nat: i knew it

Loki: now that is a can of worms i would like to open

Wanda: im so existed for this mission

Sam: yeah lets get this show on the road you coming nataha?

Nat: alright im coming. Alright bye y/n

Y/n: goobye nat

Nat: and steve the only reason i want to hear from you is if somene is dying or dead

Steve: ok

Nat: alrigh have fun guys

Steve: alright want do you want to do first

Bucky: can we practise our self defence

Y/n: yes i think it would be very educational

Steve: for sure i could show you some moves. You guys wanna do that too?

Peter: okay

Clint: we always like a good fight

Tony: im putting five bucks on the Russians

Steve: ok you and me y/n im going to put my arm aroumd you like this ok?

Y/n: bucky now!

Steve: wait what?!

Bucky: peter get his feet!

Peter: ok!

*steve: passed out*

Y/n: whoops

Peter: is he breathing

Bucky: yes he's breathing

Y/n: i got his phone

Nat: *phone rings* steve someone better be or-

Y/n: steve is unconscious

Nat: wait what??

Things Bucky says while he is eating you out (Bucky x female reader)

18+ only, Minors DNI

***************************************

“You taste so fucking good baby”

“You are so wet for me honey”

“Gonna eat you till you cry sweetheart”

“Gushing for me baby, gonna make you cum so hard”

“Thats it princess, open that pussy up for me”

“You are the sweetest thing I have tasted all day”

“Wanna suck on your pretty clit baby”

“Eyes on me honey, need to see your eyes while my tongue is inside”

“Wanna hear you sweetheart, need to hear those pretty moans while I’m eating you”

“Fuck yes princess, fuck that pussy into my mouth”

“Please baby, need to taste you again, please let me taste you”

“Ass up sugar, I wanna eat you from behind”

“Not yet baby, need to make you cum on my tongue again”

“Making my beard so wet gorgeous, gonna smell like you all day”

“Fuck baby can’t get enough of this pussy”

“Thats it honey, ride my fucking tongue”

“Nothing tastes as good as you baby”

“Use my mouth honey, my mouth is yours, my tongue is yours”

“Love it when you cum hard on my tongue beautiful”

“Please baby I need it, I need your cum in my mouth”

“One more gorgeous, one more on daddy’s tongue”

“Mmmmmm yes baby, fuck, don’t stop cumming for me, gonna swallow all that cum”

“Fuck yes sweetheart, love seeing those eyes rolling back with my tongue deep inside”

“Feed me my pussy baby, give it to me”

Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

If my mutuals can’t rb this then we can’t be mutuals

Steve: Y/n what's that on your neck?

Y/n: oh it's uh spider bite...

*Nat: walks in*

Y/n: here's the spider now!

Meanwhile in the a parallel universe:

Shield: How did you defeat Captain America?

Hydra: We shot him in the legs because his shield is the size of a dinner plate and he's an idiot.