Shadetpf - Shade

i think one of the saddest parts of grief is how time robs you of indulging in it

each april, i think of that day and i try to allow myself to feel that grief, but yet i cannot grieve fully because of the people i love, the life i live, and the expectations i face now

the people who knew at the time of what happened are gone; life has taken us in different directions

now, i have no one close to me who understands what that day did to me

my family hardly remembers, the best friends i had back then have moved on, and i have a boyfriend who didn't even know me when it happened

so what am i to do? how do i explain this void in my heart that only comes around once a year during the month of april? how do i explain this inexplicable urge to curl into a ball, brought on only by the weight of my memories?

i have two events scheduled the day of. i won't even have time to waste being upset, mourning what happened to me that day. i will go out and do my social duties, conversing with my friends and peers, only to return home and regret not letting myself mourn.

it'll be 7 years. 7 years of regret. every year, april 30th comes around and i feel the weight of emptiness that day left in me. yet, i am the only one privy to it's significance. no one else understands; there is no way for me to tell anyone the truth. i don't want their pity and i don't want their concern.

i went through that day alone. i laid on my bedroom floor, weeping for what i gave up. but now i cannot do the same. time has robbed me of that chance; it has robbed me of the grief i was once allowed.

this month will be rough. 7 years is a long time to grieve. i am different than i was then, for better and for worse.

Life and Death

And to my childhood, I say, a dearest goodnight as I tuck it in and tell it to curl up tight. I wish you a good rest and a best of night.

Until we meet again, childhood, I hope your future is bright.

finding out making up whole detailed scenarios with fictional characters in your head is a “sign of mental illness”

youtube channels to motivate you this semester

♡ abao in tokyo - study with me’s & playlists

♡ advika singh - study & productivity vlogs

♡ allie c. - medical school vlogs

♡ carrot td - study with me’s

♡ celine - study with me’s

♡ deaana - medical school, study with me’s, stationary, etc.

♡ dear mimi - study vlogs

♡ dia - medical student vlogs

♡ dr. rachel southard, do - medical school & residency vlogs & talks

♡ emily feng - medical school vlogs

♡ emilystudying - dental school & study vlogs

♡ emma grace - nursing school vlogs

♡ emmalilyn - study with me’s

♡ ginny - study vlogs

♡ hyobin - medical student vlogs

♡ leighton sanders - nursing vlogs

♡ lucky penny - study with me’s

♡ lunardazes. - uni study vlogs

♡ madi’s nursing journey - nursing school & nursing vlogs

♡ mango oatmilk - study with me’s

♡ maria silva - study & hospital interning vlogs

♡ merve - study with me’s

♡ mishujo - study & productive vlogs

♡ nada - study & productivity vlogs

♡ ray hon - study with me’s

♡ sab yang - medical school & study vlogs

♡ sean study - study with me’s

♡ sierra lyn - nursing vlogs

♡ studymd - study with me’s

♡ study to success - stationary, study with me’s, study hacks, etc.

♡ tani study - study with me’s

♡ yours truly, chloe - study vlogs

♡ yulma - study with me’s

if anyone ever sees me simping for dick grayson, mind your business

that is between me, God, and my obsession with very pretty boys ok, ok

where do you put the emptiness that feels too heavy to carry