To Reduce My Screen Time, I Have Weaponised My Overactive And Entirely Impractical Levels Of Empathy

i regret nothing

Being presented these two choices right next to each other makes me feel like I'm a character in a Jack Chick Tract or something.

FedEx: shits on my box, stomps on my box, kicks it, dumps gasoline on it, throws one of my chickens into the back of the van UPS: whispers at my front door “is anyone home” as quietly as possible before leaving a “we missed you!” note, tries to gaslight me into thinking my address doesn’t exist USPS: sets my package down gently where it’s not visible from the road, knocks on the door and kisses me directly on the mouth

genuinely fucked up that if i want to interact with someone online i have to say words and have a conversation instead of just mashing my face against them like a cat

Me: *looking at a porcelain hand in the home decor aisle of a store* if I lost my hands in some kind of tragic accident, I’d decorate my entire home with hand-shaped things. Then I’d invite guests over for like, dinner parties and such and sit there expectantly just basking in their discomfort.

My boyfriend: Do you hear what you say when you talk? Do you know what you just said to me?