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time with complex trauma is like. i need to do everything all at once and if i don't i'm a failure, even if there's nothing to do. three months ago feels like yesterday but i can hardly remember yesterday anyway. i'm running out of time. for what? i don't know. i need everything to slow down but my life is so stagnant. i can't go to sleep because the day can't end, but i need the day to end or i'll go insane. i'm constantly worrying about the future but it feels like i have no future. i'm running out of time. for what? i don't know. time has no meaning but every second is the end of the world.

or is this just me?

One of the most frustrating things about being ADHD is the way hyperfixations and skill levels work.

So I, an ADHD person, will get obsessed with A Thing. I will research, I will practice. I'll check out library books, watch YouTube videos, seek out podcasts, all to learn everything I can about The Thing.

Thiat Thing is often a skill or hobby. Painting, writing, candlemaking, baking, mixology, tea blending.

But the thing with ADHD is that you'll be obsessed with it only to a certain skill level. Something where all the mystery is gone. It's not as fun once the learning part is over and it's just boring practice to get better.

Then abruptly, you'll lose interest and move to another fixation.

That skill level you've earned may be higher than your average person with a passing interest. But it's also lower than someone who specializes in said thing, who has put in those hard hours of practice and work.

So you start just forming this miscellaneous collection of things that you're good enough at to earn some praise, but still leave you feeling like you're just never *quite* good enough at anything because you can't just choose anything.

And you want to pick a Thing. To find Your Thing. The thing that fits, that you can finally excel at. But you just can't seem to.

Hello, tumblr user. Before you is a tumblr post asking you to name a female fictional character. You have unlimited time to tag a female character, NOT a male one.

Begin.

when i was a teenager it felt very revolutionary to be cruel to myself. like some kind of slow passive protest against how much everything hurt. i starved myself of sleep and food and tenderness because it felt right. it felt sharp and angry and radical and i wanted to be those things. adulthood is the realisation that the world is already working to cut into you well before you learn how to do it yourself. caring for yourself and others is the real protest

a comic about meeting your younger self :)

Thank you for reading :)