Tim, Texting Discreetly On His Phone:

The other day on shift, I was walking down the hallway when a confused old man started yelling. This is fairly common in the hospital, so I ducked into his room and was like "hey dude what's up" and he's like "so sorry to yell but do you know where I am and what year it is" so I reoriented him to a bunch of stuff and explained why so many people were walking past his door, and he seemed much calmer and more oriented by the time we were done talking. And he says "and what's your name?" So I tell him "Sarah" and he stares at me so I repeat "Sarah" and he stares at me so I spell "S-A-R-A-H" and he stares at me so I show him my name badge and he stares at me and then he says "now forgive me for being so blunt. But I was under the impression that Sarah is a girls name. Is that no longer correct?"

Anyway y'all ever be so fucking gnc that you inadvertently gaslight a confused old man into thinking there's yet another part of the world he no longer understands?

If you went to a bar and the bartender was a mousegirl you could ask for a drink and she would balance it on her head and say "for you, it's on the mouse"

Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it-

ah nvm he went inside

(-Pod 153, probably)

Oh boy! i sure hope the ppl commenting will remember that these are all fictional characters written by a team of writers and moviemakers and that OP is criticizing how those writers decided to use/portray fatness in their writing once they made those characters fat, rather than bothering with the in-universe examinations of those characters and why they gained weight

Oh, look at that, they decided to be stupid abt it. Oh well

Instead of making up shitty racist headcanons about Miles shoplifting join me in headcanoning him picking up ballet because he thought Gwen being a ballerina was super neat and it would help him in his spiderman job

I love showing people a picture of my cat for the first time and they go "aww" and then I say "her name is Pigeon" and they go "aww her name is PIGEON" bc this knowledge has made her cuter

the streamer I've watched since he was 15 is going to Paris fashion week because he was invited by dolce & gabbana

that's a crazy sentence and I can't believe it's fucking true

I've been around too many people for the past few days and I'm super overstimulated, I can feel myself getting bitchy. But now I have to go spend two days with my sister and her four children that literally could not be quiet if their life depended on it.

I'm already at my wits end, anybody have any tips on how to not bite someone's head off?

"i'll remember the exact phrasing of the paragraph i just thought of for my fic when i get to my computer later, i don't need to write it down or put it in my notes app" this is the devil speaking

Is it more awkward for me to stay on the couch as my sister and her husband argue about how to parent their children or would it be more awkward for me to get up and leave?

(we are all literally 5 feet away from each other)