When A Physicist Falls In Love :)

self portrait as a siege

- j (x)

♱ disintegration – the cure

i try to be as kind as possible as often as i can, but i’m so worried that deep down i must be ‘faking’ it.

like, am i really just an awful person who’s putting up a façade? and if i am, why? for what? love? safety? survival? my ego? am i just tricking people into thinking i’m a good person? i don’t know which parts of me are real and which ones aren’t and it terrifies me!

This has been a pin in my friend group's server for a while and I'm really tempted to draw it

God gives his silliest clowns the most debilitating ocd compulsions (I've replayed the same scenario in my head for 4 hours now)

---

TW!!!!!

OCD! AUTISM! DEPRESSION! ANXIETY! TRAUMA! SA!!!!! all in very specific feeling terms which are important to differentiate between triggers like numbers and calories this is a very specifically ocd rant poem!!!!!!!! morality ocd is big and scary!

today i drape over the school bathroom toilet

i am scared that my poetry no longer feels

like i am simply expelling the sickest

most

tangential /

still most poems

fear is in the way

i'll get there

literal /

(how to breathe| how to think |

happy code |code to feel better

||bad behavior|

| good behavior. |

how to be sick cat |..|

how to be | ... |

| healthy cat? |

how to speak in the tone

of someone who is fine |

|.... .... ..||||..|.|~|

how to become fine.

spiritual /

(why me why me why me)

what is real?

acidic ( self explanatory ) /

shame.

I am wrong

i am wrong i am broken

nothing nothing nothing at all

emptiness is better than death

i search for it .

in me.

i cannot find it anymore

in that porcelain

cup of shadows

i can only find

her

🥧. 🐈‍⬛🐛🪳🕷️🕷️🕷️🪲🕺🏻

not her, or her, or her or her

(though,

yes,

her

her

her

her

her

him.

him.

him. but not.)

...

its me .

i

am

finding

..

.... ..

!!

⭐️CAT!!!🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛✨✨🥧

WHY

am i

still

so fucking

wrong

my secretion isn't on the sides of the bowl because pieces are in her. she still keeps it.

i hope she does. i do.

and him. he will never rid himself of the guilt. i hope he learns to ..

to just ..

to .

..... ... ...........

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Fuck you for what you did to me.

fuck you for being fine.

fuck you for being proud

of a goddamn lesbian

sucking your cock and fuck you

for talking about it

fuck you for breaking me to the point where i had to become something else

fuck you for reminding me that what i feel is not normal

fuck you

...... ...

............ .. .... ....

for being the filthy hierophant

i see in every man

who has touched me

why is it you that stays? who gave you such a power?

but

isn't that the point? that i can be

broken?

from him?

i was her

until the day i wasn't —

when i was her

and then

her

and her.... ( there are no

colors in this time

except the ones that return

to me.

when i am..... )

🪄🪄🧠🤓🐈‍⬛🏛️🎨🎭🖼️🏴‍☠️👩🏻‍🎤🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️❤️✨⭐️🌠🌃🌌🔭🔭🔭🔭🔭

me !!!!!!!!!!!

💕💖💗💞💓💐🌸🌺💓💘💝💝💐💘🌸💐🎀🌷💝🎀🌷🌷🐷💝🧞‍♀️🎀🎀🦩🩰👚🎟️

from the deep pit

of my stomach

there is me.

why do the painful things make her louder?

why

the

fuck.

has it been nine goddamn years of this?

nine?

3 6 9 three six nine i know what the numbers are

i know why they are there

grandma

(mother of grandma) teaches me of

grandma

(mother of grandma)

i can hear you

i can

i am sorry for abandoning you

to live in a shell of

a soul

when i couldnt see it you

knight of wands told me how to

keep going

you tell me that it is okay to live for more than my body

even if the thoughts never leave?

even if the thoughts never leave.

even if i

stay the same? you will still be lovable

it hurts to turn back into

a newly traumatized

confused cat self

she is yellow she is happy go lucky

she has a light she yearns

will not go out

when she gets

"better"

my thoughts about her don't feel that way

you

learned to live in an angry mind

in the same spot theres something else

block has vanished

all too fast

is this what hope feels like?

i am wise )

i am learning learning learning

when the fog is there and when it isn't

because i want to

i will learn

how to love

how to feel

how to understand and listen and observe the way i always have

you are right

it is better to speak than it is to die

( you speak to me through wisdom of the greats

never will i let go of

my intellect!

TRUE

intellect)

it is better to exist than it is not to cry

( you shout this

from the kind of pedestal

i have grown so weary of in others /

in myself)

there is intelligence in creating

is the birth of passion from knowledge?

connection ?

am i doing this

that terribly wrong?

but isnt the love

something?

Où étais-je ?

rb if u love ur friends!!! 💗

does it bring you more or less peace? there's the answer

Intrusive thoughts be like: