The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

This season has flown by. I might say that every season, butit feels truer than ever here with Chris. Perhaps it’s because he’s so boringor because the women aren’t really that into him or because they didn’t goabroad and the dates were really boring. It could be a combination of all those factors resulting one dramatic, yet simultaneously, uneventful season.

For all the sound a fury signifying nothing it took to get us here, we’re at the Fantasy Suite dates already. The show has finally sprung for a trip overseas, and we find our remaining three ladies and Farmer Chris in beautiful Bali. Chris says it’s very far away from Iowa, and I’d have to agree here. Indonesia and Iowa are very far apart on the globe.

Kaitlyn is up first for her date. They start by going into a temple and are taught some traditional ceremonies by a group of women in the most beautifully colored clothing. After the temple, they walk around the streets and drink a beer, have fun with the locals. Chris loves that Kaitlyn is at ease everywhere and always seems to have fun in any situation.

Cut to the two of them walking into a monkey “sanctuary” (I use that word VERY lightly), where they are giving tiny bananas to feed to the dozens of monkeys all around. Chris gets pounced on immediately by several monkeys vying for his banana, and I can’t help but see that as a beautiful metaphor for this whole process.

“I really like to think I’m this tough person who can handle whatever comes my way, but not if it’s a monkey,” quips Kaitlyn. She’s having a rough go of it here at Monkey Sanctuary. The humidity of a tropical climate is not agreeing with her hair. She even makes a pained metaphor for how the monkeys fear for nothing in going after what they want (thanks to their habitat being destroyed and becoming dependent on human tourists for food), and she wishes she could be like that too. Ugh, Kaitlyn, I thought I could at least count on you to make the same penis joke I made, but alas, this show has gotten to you.

After making out in front of some cool trees, Kaitlyn regales Chris with how much her whole family loved him. Kaitlyn is trying to open up as much as possible because she doesn’t want Chris to worry that she has a guard up.

As we transition into the dinner portion of the date, we finally get our first shot of a stray cat this season! Those producers must have been dying being trapped in the States where we just don’t have as many stray animals to add humor to establishing shots.

At dinner Chris asks why Kaitlyn feels she has a guard up. Would you look at that? She does her best to answer him truthfully that it’s hard to feel so vulnerable in this situation. They blather on about vulnerability and “putting yourself out there” for a few more minutes before finally getting to the Fantasy Suite card.

She accepts it immediately. Chris agrees that they “deserve” it. Do they? I guess they do. I think the sexual chemistry between these two is undeniable, but I am still unsure as to whether their “emotional connection” can withstand the desolate wrath of Arlington, Iowa.

The producers get the money shot when Kaitlyn finally gets the words out that she is “falling in love” with Chris! Oh the relief on their faces. However, Chris counters that statement by telling Kaitlyn that HE TOO is falling in love with her! Now. THIS IS HUGE. I was under the impression that he is contractually obligated NOT to say anything like that to the women until his final rose. That’s why it’s always such a big deal that everybody feels insecure and doesn’t know where they stand at the end because they’ve said, “I love you,” and heard nothing in return. This could be a source of drama down the road, especially if he doesn’t end up choosing Kaitlyn.

Next up on the Fantasy Dates is Whitney. Whitney is a few steps ahead of Kaitlyn as she has already revealed that she is straight up in love with Chris. They meet to have their date on a boat. I love this. I’m never jealous of helicopter rides or private concerts from C list country stars, but I am always, always jealous of private boat rides in a tropical locale. Hell, I’d settle for a boat ride on the Missouri River. I just love boats. So tuck that little nugget away in your mental file folder of Stuff Cassie Loves.

They set sail on the Indian Ocean in a truly majestic sail boat to talk about love and their feelings. Whitney hopes to address and smooth over the fact that her sister did not give her “full” blessing for her hand in marriage. Whitney is also very calm, cool, and collected about her feelings.

“I’ve never felt so ready or sure about anything in my whole life,” she says. She’s also rocking quite the tan. Bali has been good to her.

When the subject of her sister comes up, Whitney does a wonderful job explaining how Kimberly really did a big part in raising her and is very protective. But Chris gets it. They kiss a bunch after he tells her not to worry about that and that Kimberly didn’t change his feelings for her at all.

“I feel confident that I’m going to marry Chris,” Whitney beams to camera. And I don’t doubt that she feels that. I think she’s the front runner right now, but guys, how many times have I been wrong in the past? All the time. I’m almost always wrong about who the final pick is.

At dinner, Whitney is wearing this great neon yellow maxi dress. I covet it. Chris wants to take this opportunity to talk to Whitney about the reality of moving to Arlington with her job. He deeply respects how hard she’s worked for her job and how passionate she is, so he just wants to make sure he’s not asking too much of her.

He really lays it all out there as far as how small Arlington is: how there’s nothing to do there, how you have to drive to somewhere else to do anything. He refers to it as his “biggest insecurity in this.” That’s fair because wow is it a deal breaker. I mean aside from Chris being as interesting as the empty box of Wheat Thins on my lap, Arlington is a real no-go.

“I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, but I’ve always wanted to be a mom and be a wife. And my mom taught me that sometimes, even when you are those things, it doesn’t work out. So you need to have something to fall back on. So I have this career, but I’m not fully happy...So if I moved to Arlington, I would leave my career…And I would want to start having babies, and that would be my career,” Whitney explains to Chris. Chris beams the biggest stupid smile ever when she explains that having babies would be her career, and I want to DIE. COME ON, WHITNEY.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother and wanting to put your full focus and time into that. Whitney is well aware that you can be many things as a woman. HOWEVER, saying “having babies would be my career” IS THE WORST. It sounds so backwards and wrong. Ugh. We are not baby factories.

“It’s not where you are. It’s who you’re with,” concludes Whitney.

Chris tells the cameras that if things continue as they are going, he could definitely see himself proposing to Whitney. And with that, they head right into the Fantasy Suite. It’s so Plush Ass. These Fantasy Suites are the only true Plush Ass Suites there have been this season.

Becca’s turn, y’all! Becca is, once again, stunningly beautiful here in Bali. She’s very nervous about the Fantasy Suite because she hasn’t yet told Chris about how she is waiting until marriage to have sex. Chris is worried about the fact that Becca has never been in love before because he really wants to come away from the show and have a relationship work. And certainly that’s a rational fear that just because someone hasn’t been in love before that they couldn’t figure it out and make a relationship work. Certainly. Certainly.

For their date, they are a walking around a gorgeous agricultural village. Chris is explaining farming and irrigation to Becca and is generally awe inspired by how these people farm in a way that “we” haven’t in hundreds of years.

And then, Becca and Chris go into a temple to meet with The Medium of the Village. So they can ask him about their future and have it foretold unto them. Wow! First Ziporah and now the Village Medium! If any Bachelor needs to mystics and mediums to spice things up, it’s Chris! They ask him questions like “Are we meant to be together?” and “Will Chris be a good dad one day?” and then Chris asks, “What’s her biggest weakness?”

The Medium of the Village responds (through an adorable translator), “She’s hard to control.” Which, I like that. I’m a wild mustang! But also, does he need to control her? No. He does not.

We get a real comedic moment, when, hoo boy get ready for how funny this is, Becca asks for advice for their important date tonight and the only thing that really gets translated is “making love.” Wow. Hilarious. I can barely type I’m laughing so hard. Sex between consenting adults is HIGH STAKES COMEDY.

“I’m glad he brought that up. I was just not thinking about it,” Becca jokes to camera. That’s actually a bit of a funny reaction from her which I appreciate. Becca has not really been shown that much despite her being all the way at the end here.

Becca continues to worry about telling Chris that she is a virgin and waiting until marriage before the Fantasy Suite tonight. She’s wearing a saffron yellow dress that is so short it flounces out from underneath her as she sits for dinner.

Chris loved her family and can see a future with her but is still worried that because she’s never been in love, she can’t get to that point with Chris. Ugh. This is such a non-issue. I mean, this show requires you to get to an advanced point quickly, so that’s fair in Bachelor World. But still, just let her get there on her own.

They address just that as Becca reveals that she believes she really is falling in love with Chris. She is also wary of moving to Arlington until she’s 100% sure that she wants to be Chris’s wife and spend forever with him. So those go hand in hand and satisfy both of Chris’s main concerns about her.

Right after this reveal of love, Chris busts out the Fantasy Suite invite. Becca takes a dramatic pause to think it over and explains to camera what her reservations are. She’s is worried that Chris will not be ok with her decision, and she’s also worried about the fact that there will be temptation in the Fantasy Suite.

“I’m not naïve to that,” she says, regarding the things that go on in the Fantasy Suite. In the end, she decides to accept the invitation in order to spend even more time with Chris.

Chris is excited to get to know Becca on a “whole other level, a level of intimacy that hasn’t been allowed.” Oh Chris, you poor, poor man. And your poor, poor boner.

After they explore the amazing Fanstasy Suite, Becca sits him down to have a frank conversation about her decision to wait until marriage to have sex. She explains that she wants him to be honest about his feelings and to be straightforward about what she’s about to tell him.

I really admire the way Becca has played this entire situation and especially the way she is telling Chris about it. With Ashley I., it was a big dramatic thing and something that you could tell she was very self-conscious of. Which is why the way she told Chris was awkward, uncomfortable, and self-conscious.

Becca on the other hand, while nervous, is confident about this fact and is standing by her convictions. I respect that. She tells Chris that it’s something very important to her.

“It’s a big part of who I am…it’s something that I want to talk about and not just kind of skim over. But I am a virgin,” Becca says.

Chris exhales deeply and then composes one of signature eloquent speeches, “Um, I am glad that you…and I…it’s never easy to respond to that kind of stuff. But I respect that in a lot of ways…it surprises me, and uh, I think says a lot of who you are and,” Chris explains, “I’m really more interested in figuring out if this could work.”

Becca thinks Chris’s response was perfect. Well, it was a good enough response. And although I can feel the disappointment that he doesn’t get to have sex with Becca radiating off his sweaty forehead, he takes it reasonably well. Again, though, as if he could respond poorly to that and not get skewered and roasted for it?

But the next day, Chris says that the overnight date with Becca was wonderful and that he’s falling in love with her. However, when they woke up together, they had a conversation about their future that left Chris feeling more confused than ever. He doesn’t know what to do because now he has to send either Becca or Kaitlyn, “or even Whitney” he adds as a hasty correction, home. Yeah, you’re not sending Whitney home, you dolt. Whitney was created in a lab to be the perfect contestant on this show.

Chris is just very conflicted about who he’s going to send home tonight. He gets emotional when he talks about how badly he wants all these women to meet his family. Oh Chris, you’ll figure it out. He sits down with Chrarrison to sort this all out. Chrarrison is amazed that Chris feels so strongly for all the women. He’s most nervous about Becca because she is not in the same advanced place emotionally and is also not as willing to pick up her life and moving to Arlington.

However, Chris feels so strongly about Becca and her family that he could see her being the one for him. He also feels that way about Kaitlyn. He also feels great about Whitney, although he’s all but confirmed that her rose is the only one he’s certain about.

In order to put as strange a filter on this rose ceremony as possible, they gather for the Rose Ceremony at one of the most sacred temples in Bali. There are very strict rules about no kissing and ladies with shoulders covered etc. Everyone is dressed in a kind of traditional way with Chris in white and the ladies in bright colors. They actually look quite lovely.

After Chris makes a speech about how grateful he feels to be there with all of them, he asks to speak to Becca. What results is a conversation where Becca reconfirms what we heard last night about her falling in love with him and that being why she’s still there. She also explains that she could move to Arlington.

And with that we cut to Kaitlyn who really feels that he’s telling Becca good-bye. She feels guilty for feeling happy that someone else is going home, but she’s excited that she could get to the end with Chris.

Smash-cut to Chris and Becca walking back into the ceremony area hand-in-hand. Whitney is surprised because she feels that Becca is very different from her.

“I think she’s young. I think she lacks life experience, and I don’t know if she’s ready for this,” Whitney explains. I agree 100%. I think Chris is getting wrapped up in the romance of the show with Becca. She’s not a realistic choice.

As he picks up the first rose, the dramatic music crescendos. He calls Whitney first. Obviously. And then that last rose goes to…BECCA. IT’S BECCA YOU GUYS. HOLY CRAP. I was mostly not expecting that. He’s such an idiot.

Kaitlyn is very hurt and visibly shaken. Becca tries to reach out a hand to her, and Kaitlyn declines it. Like a boss.

They make the very long walk out of the temple so Chris can finally hug her and tell her he’s sorry. Kaitlyn asks what happened, and Chris just talks about how hard it was for him and how excruciating it was for him and how HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IF IT’S THE RIGHT DECISION. What a piece of shit. Also a rooster LOUDLY crows in the middle of Chris making it all about him. Sure, Chris. Keep talking about how hard this is FOR YOU as you break the heart of a real live woman on TV. That rooster crowing signifying YOUR BETRYAYL, JUST LIKE IN THE BIBLE.

Poor Kaitlyn. I actually enjoyed her for the most part. She was a real person with a personality and not a Bachelor robot. Well folks, on that happy note, we’re off until next week with the Women Tell All! Won’t that be fun? It really will be. Nothing I love quite like the Women Tell All. And also, I feel that with Kaitlyn’s fun-loving personality and big-time heartbreak, she could be well posed to be the next Bachelorette.

Henley Monday -

I am so tired today that I wish the world would just swallow me up, pause time, let me nap for roughly seventy years, then spit me back up once time has started again so I can feel rested for the remainder of my life.

However that seems like it would require the defiance of several laws of physics and break the time space continuum or all that hoo-ha. So I'll settle for this picture of Idris Elba. I will let his fearsome masculinity soothe me into a dream-like peace where his perfect, English booming voice tells me tales of old. Ahh yes...I can feel the serenity now...

AFI Challenge: 1 Year, 100 Movies

In 1997, AFI came out with a list called "100 Years...100 Movies" celebrating and ranking the top 100 American films of all time, but more realistically since film was created. On the tenth anniversary they updated the list to include especially groundbreaking films, like Titanic and Lord of the Rings, that had since been released since.

                             It is considered the definitive and most comprehensive list on the great American films, so of course this means I've seen a paltry 22 out of 100. A whopping five of those that I have seen are in the Top 10, but at the end of the day, I'm derelict in how many of these important films I've seen.

Paired with my great cooking passion, I've taken on the challenge of watching all these 100 movies over the course of one year, and cooking a special dish to go along with each.

Now, it is important to note that I "started" in October with #100 Ben-hur which is 3 hours and 42 minutes, and thusly, took me 4 months to finish. A post detailing the meal and movie will follow shortly, but we're starting the task from when I finished the tale of old Judah Ben-hur on Saturday, February 25, 2012.

Hold me accountable, internet! And check in to see what I've been eating and watching and for regular Polar Bear posts!

A Petition for the Super Bowl to be a National Holiday

            When, in the human course of events, it becomes necessary for one people to declare a National Holiday that connects them to one another, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should explain causes which impel them to take a full day off work.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, but in terms of physical prowess in a sport that serves our base need for tactile, inter-personal confrontation, certain men are to be lauded with confetti and spectacle.

We, the people of the United States of America, have been endowed by our Capitalist Creators with certain unalienable rights that among these are high definition television, multimillion dollar buzz-worthy commercial spots, and the pursuit of our favorite NFL teams to claim the Super Bowl Championship. And to secure these rights, leagues are established among men, deriving their powers from a kind of arbitrary committee of guys assembled by their collective net worth (I think).

That whenever any form of workplace HR department or office manager becomes destructive to the general well-being of their employees, it is the right of the people to petition to their local congressman/woman, for the Monday following Super Bowl Sunday to be declared a day of Rest and Recovery. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that office relationships long established should not expect Trevor in sales to be anything but a gassy, bloated, hung-over shell of a human being on said morning after. All experience has shown that Mariah in accounting will be a hot, unshowered mess and that her breath is an evil which is insufferable.

Such has been the patient sufferance of the American People; and such is now the necessity which constrains us to alter our former systems of Paid Holidays in a Calendar Year. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:

-On the Lord’s Day, once a year, this great nation of ours gathers in living rooms to celebrate the game of football and advertising excellence.

-We consume cheese in every form possible: shredded, hard, semi-soft, molten, spreadable, shaped into balls, or carved into cubes!

- By the bucketful we consume the wings of chickens breaded, deep-fried and bathed in fiery sauce of an unnaturally red color.

-Crockpots across the land bubble with meatballs, chilies, and cocktail weenies consumed by the dozens

-Beer from Milwaukee, beer from St. Louis, beer from independent micro-craft breweries is swilled with gusto at each yard gained, each down made.

We, therefore, the common people of the United States of America, in no particular congress, assembled solely by the internet, appealing to the Supreme Judges of our Nation for the rectitude of our intention, do, in the name, and by authority of the good sports fans of the land, solemnly publish and declare that this country is, and of right ought to be celebrating the Super Bowl as a National Holiday observed on the following Monday; that we are absolved from all duty to attend a full day’s work; and that all political opinions, religious beliefs, and regular season allegiances be put aside for 36 hours, that we, as one, may celebrate the God given gift that is the Super Bowl.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of our First Amendment Rights, we mutually pledge to each other our friendships, our baked chip dips, our living rooms with big screen TVs, and our Sacred Honor.

Amen.

My Top Independence Day Movies (Independence Day not included)

Yes, you read that right. I am not including the seminal Will Smith action flick Independence Day in my list of most patriotic movies. Do I always enjoy a viewing of it? Sure, but it doesn't exactly need my endorsement. Let's take a look at some lesser known, equally good films that would perfectly accent your July 4th and why you should choose them over the Patriot or Top Gun or Die Hard (which is a Christmas movie anyway).

1)      Waiting for Guffman (1997) – A mockumentary style film from Christopher Guest and Co. (This is Spinal Tap; Best in Show; A Mighty Wind). It follows a group of small-town-American characters as they prepare for the fictional Blaine, Missouri’s sesquicentennial celebration, the centerpiece of which is a musical covering the town’s history called “Red, White, & Blaine.” It is a hilarious portrait of the American spirit captured in all the bizarre, oddities of the classic Small Town. You’ll find yourself quoting your favorite moments for years to come.

2)      Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) –Another mockumentary that chronicles small-town American life, this time in Mt. Rose. Minnesota. We follow the various contestants in the Mt. Rose Miss American Teen Princess beauty pageant, and the contestants range from the dopey cheerleader (Amy Adams in her film debut) to the theater geek (Brittany Murphy at her absolute best) to sweet underdog protagonist who practices her tap dancing while working in the morgue (Kirsten Dunst). This movie moves seamlessly from the sublime to the ridiculous, satirizing not only beauty pageants but the politics of the Midwest small-town. Another one with quotable moments every other minute.

3)      Wet Hot American Summer (2001) – Everyone in this movie is someone who has made you laugh till your stomach hurts in something (or everything) else they have done in their careers. Pulling heavily from members of the sketch comedy group The State, it has everyone from David Hyde Pierce to Amy Poehler to Molly Shannon to Paul Rudd to Ken Marino to an infantile Bradley Cooper (AND MANY, MANY MORE!). Directed by David Wain (Role Models; Wanderlust), we see the goings on of the last day at Camp Firewood and mainly the romantic endeavors of the counselors and camp directors. It is weird and offbeat and joyous and dark and a beautiful picture of the kind of summer we all wish we could have again (kind of – give or take a few things like refrigerator humping). Oh yeah, did I mention beloved Detective Stabler, Christopher Meloni, humps a refrigerator?

  4)      Captain America : the First Avenger (2011) – BECAUSE – DUH. It would not be a proper list of All-American movies if I neglected to include All-American superhero Captain America portrayed by All-American beef cake Chris Evans. It takes place during World War II the most nostalgically “good-guys” period of American history, there is a song entitled “The Star Spangled Man with a Plan” and Steve Rodgers is…hoo…he is, uhh…the kind of man with the kind of courage, heart, head of hair, and muscles I think we all wish we could be (myself included). It’s got a good little story and a good bit of action and just a little splash of romance to make a great 4th of July flick. And also, look, yeah, if maybe you double featured this with Marvel's the Avengers I’m not going to do anything to stop you that sounds great.

Henley Monday -

Some Mondays you're a little sluggish after a nice, relaxing weekend. Some Mondays you wish that the weekend could be one day longer. Some Mondays you wish you had never tried a thing called white whiskey which might as well be called "Moonshine - Don't drink this unless you're a drifter from the 1930s or a Swanson".

However you're feeling today, let these pictures of hunkety-hunk Matt Bomer doing manly things sooth you. Look at him carry that shovel, gazing so thoughtfully, probably going to go rescue a horse in danger. And then he shows off the henley's utility by doing some woodwork on a piece of reclaimed pine.

What a treasure.

Henley Monday -

Dylan O'brien is blowing up. With a starring role on MTV's Teen Wolf and the lead role Thomas in the upcoming film Maze Runner, he's set to become a household name and regular heartthrob. This still of him in a henley and mucked up workboots is from the aforementioned dystopian film.

They had me at dystopia and the costume designer reeled me in at henley.

Henley Monday -

It's hotter than blazes outside and the humidity in most parts of the country is about 110%. The air is a moist, thick soup that clings to the body like a koala bear to a tree. So the only appropriate recourse is to hide in air conditioning and look at pictures of guys in henleys as hot as sun soaked pavement.

Enter Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds fame. He plays a heroic, uber-masculine, courageous, smooth-talking FBI agent on the TV and I have a feeling he may have a few of those very same characteristics in real life as well.

Bless you Shemar, for many seasons of your procedural crime drama to come.

Henley Monday -

One beautiful waif of a man, with the highest of cheekbones and most earnest spirit and love of the absurd. Matthew Gray Gubler is precious and adorable in too many ways to name.

He is our official Halloween Fesitivities Chaplain and he is festively festooned in the henley here striking out different poses because he knows how hard this week before Halloween will be to get through.

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

     Tallyho! Pip, pip old mates, The Bachelorette and her man-harem have arrived in jolly London Town, they ‘ave, they ‘ave! Let us take our swim across the pond and see the drama and romance in store for us this week… and find out to whom Emily says GTFO!

The Maynard senior and junior are abso-tute-ly precious traveling about town and doing amazing tourist things that I so badly want to do. The gentlemen gather in Trafalgar Square to get the low-down for the week from Chris Harrison or “Chrarrison” as I like to say.

               The first date card is waiting in the suite and it’s going to Sean – 28! “Love takes no prisoners” so I’m guessing Tower of London, but he’s clueless. Jef is jealous! He really wants alone time, and I think the same thing about him and his pumped up kicks. Whither, King Jef of the Elves? Kalon is pissy that things aren’t going exactly as planned and that he has no control. Foreshadow?

Emily and Sean-28 are going on a double-decker bus tour, so Sean makes a London calling joke while “London Calling”-ish plays and immediately stands up on the bus to say “HELLO, LONDOOON!” Thanks for that, Sean-28. The two of them apprehensively announce to each other the sights they’re seeing because apparently the show couldn’t swing a real tour guide for the date? Come on, ABC. Also, you can tell Emily has a cold, but she’s all smiles and charm. These two are precious Aryan Angels.

            Back to the hotel suite and the dramatic violins, Kalon is being a terd once again. To Jef and Arie he says, “You gotta remember that if you become a part of her life, pretty much any day is gonna be a group date. It’s gonna be you, her, and Ricki.” Jef is PISSED and comes to Emily’s defense and calls Kalon a dick, and I rewound that part a couple times to hear him be a gallant goblin prince.

Emily and Sean come upon Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park. Roped in by the crazies, Sean starts professing about love and it’s so weird. He once again finds a way to talk about his family. He is really hot though, so he gets a pass for now.

For the “meal” the two arrive at the Tower of London! I knew it! Emily’s almost completely lost her voice. Their tour guide is a charming beefeater, but for real, the Tower of London is kind of creepy. I don’t think it’s an ideal date place. King Henry’s home is no temple to love, yo.

The group date card comes to the hotel suite and reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” And there is a collective, “Buh….what?!” from the moronic imbeciles apparently vying for Lady Emily’s affections. Someone, Alejandro I think, pipes in with, “I think that was Shakespeare.” YA, DOI! Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon are on the group date. Kalon is royally ticked to be grouped in.

Back in the Tower of London, Emily puts Sean-28 through the “are you ready to be a father” gauntlet right away. He passes with flying colors because from betwixt their medieval goblets, Emily plucks the rose and pins it to Sean’s ready lapel. Within view of the Tower Bridge, they make out a little which I have to advise against based on how sick she sounds.

So the MISCREANTS who don’t know that MEGA-FAMOUS Shakespeare quote get to go to Stratford-upon-Avon for the group date. We finally acknowledge that Emily is ill and reveal the date will consist of them acting out scenes from “Romeo and Juliet” here in Shakespeare’s birthplace while he does barrel rolls in his grave. I take a large swig of wine at this point. Buckle up, kids.

The guys have to audition for the three representatives of the Shakespeare Birth Place Trust. They are freaking out. We’re mercifully shown the auditions in a montage; they are the worst. Kalon is taking it extremely seriously and is “not surprised” when they announce him as one of the Romeo’s. “I was born to play this role,” he smirks. I swig more wine. Arie and Doog are playing the nurse. YAY!!! THIS WILL BE SO FUNNY FOR US!

              Rehearsal is just watching dumb men rehearse Shakespeare, and many of them literally have no idea what they are saying. Kalon is feeling so competitive, and he says, “You can run along,” to Emily so they can rehearse. “Kalon needs to realize he is not on Broadway. Kalon needs to lighten up.” Amen! This lady can PREACH!

I want a gif of Arie prancing in his tights. Someone! Get me that gif!

Doogie as the nurse is kind of hilarious, and I appreciate his willingness to make bold choices. I also appreciate how willing Arie is to be a total doof, even though he was piss-pants nervous. He can do no wrong for Emily; she’s totally enamored of him.

              Ryan is so excited to kiss a dead Juliet-Emily, and is being real creepy. He also keeps talking about Arie when he talks about kissing Emily. And Arie, in his wig and bustier, smugly knows that, “Dude, it’s a play. You’re not actually kissing her.” Emily shakes her head and is grossed out.

“That stage kiss? That was the best part of my acting because I made it seem real…because it kinda was.” Oh my gosh, Ryan. OH MY GOSH.

               Arie and Emily steal away at the pub to have their beautiful alone time. They like each other so much! But again, I have to advise against the kissing because Emily might have strep throat!

You guys, I just figured out who Ryan reminds me of. He reminds me of Jason Stackhouse from True Blood except he doesn’t have the redeeming charm and loving heart that Jason does. Like Jason would totally say, “In my experience, when a girl tells you you’re trouble, and she smiles when she says it, maybe she wants to get in trouble.” He pulls out a pretty necklace with a turquoise pendant for her. She and I are genuinely surprised that it’s so simple, sweet, and thoughtful. But it could just be his game.

Kalon is still in a prissy huff. “Yeah, I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her,” he snaps at Chris. Seriously dude, if that’s how you feel, why are you here? What are you wasting your extraordinarily precious time for?

It looks like Chris is the one who lets the “baggage” cat out of the bag to all the men. They, and I, are steaming mad. It isn’t until Dooglas hears about it that things take a turn for the worse. He is rolling up his sleeves as he makes Kalon fess up to calling Ricki baggage. Which he does. Readily. And he’s “not gonna apologize for it.” Oh, s**t, y’all. This is worse than I thought.

           Doogie immediately tells Emily about it, and I champion his decision. We can see the fury light up within Emily as she tries to think of “the most ladylike, the most graceful way” to kick Kalon’s sorry ass out of the United Kingdom and her life forever. “I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them,” she says, “I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.” GO EMILY! DO IT! I’m really sad this situation presented itself, but this is the most lively we’ve seen our girl yet.         

She rips off her jacket as they go out into the crowd, and Doug puts Kalon on the spot. She doesn’t allow Kalon to interrupt her and then goes, “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that line from you.” WOW. THAT IS AWESOME. SUCKER, PLEASE! She slams down on the table the fact that his own mom was a single mother, and he can’t even string together three words that aren’t coated in horse s**t.  So she tells him to GTFO and shuts down the conversation. WaBAM!

                       But I feel so bad for her because she needed to just walk away. I can’t imagine dealing with that kind of righteous anger. She doesn’t hand out the rose and goes home to be with Ricki.

She’s really angry that no one said anything to her about it, but someone did. Doug did. Doug came and told her as soon as he found out. Maybe she’s more upset that the people who heard it firsthand didn’t say anything sooner, but I’m not sure. I think she’s still fuming and maybe just needs to cool off a lot. Here’s to hoping her date with Jef is a romantic swoon-fest to lift us all out of this luxury-brand consultant scented funk.

                 Jef wants to assure Emily that he will be there for her and is so excited to spend time with her. Rude, Jef. Don’t forget about me. They’re having afternoon tea which he is dressed for because his suit coat has elbow patches on it. Oh, except…not tea time, just an etiquette lesson with an old British lady. Jef gets bummed out that Jean the etiquette teacher is hijacking his one-on-one time! Jean is really hijacking this date too and taking it all seriously. To Jef’s point she is “really, really, really thorough.” He wants Jean to get out of his high-king hair.

               They run out on tea, and Jef hijacks the date to the pub where he orders them fish and chips and beers. He wants to tell Emily that he stood up for her, and “always will stand up for her”. He is so charming, really just a great guy. I WANT ONE. WHERE IS MY SEXY ELVIN KING?! OH MY GOD. HE JUST SAID “If Ricki’s baggage, she is a Chloé handbag that I want to have forever,” AND THEN MY HEART EXPLODED INTO SPARKLY CONFETTI.

Jef really does seem to feel strongly for Emily, but she is wary that she can’t read him and doesn’t know how he feels. She is gunning for that kiss on their date tonight. Gunning for it.

They change into sexy cocktail attire and have a special dessert date for two on the London Eye. That’s some real romatical ish, y’all. Jef is excited to take their relationship to the next level which is something a seventeen year-old says, but he’s so sexual that it’s ok.  He assures Emily that he will never lie to her. And now it’s raining on their London Eye-ball.

          Side note: they are creeping higher in the sky and their desserts (it appears to be a kind of trifle) remain utterly untouched. They didn’t touch a single bite of their trifle!

Okay Jef wants to have dancing and singing parties with Ricki and Emily, again, I die. She gives him the rose for always making her feel like a special lady. In the words of Bill Murray’s titular Bob in “What About Bob?” Gimme, gimme, gimme! I need! I NEED!

The build up to their kiss is so awkward. Very high school. He prefaces it. But then they kiss, and she is rull into it. Rull, rull into kissing that Elf King. Seriously, he is one of the good ones.

            The tension is high as we go into the cocktail party. Emily is in a sleek one sleeved deep blue dress, and she is hitting hard with the questions. She’s basically just grilling the guys as to why they didn’t stand up for her. Even perfect Arie was put under fire, and he’s a little nervous.

                   Ryan is the living worst wearing a scarf with his suit and brings her out to a stairwell balcony. He has a plan. He always has a plan. He is reading the Romeo monologue to her. I want to punch him.  He translates it for her because she’s not a human who understands words. She likes him! She actually likes him! I mean she says she’s mad at herself about it and she’s keeping an eye on him. But oh my word, he is slime.

She has a great chat with Sean, and they kind of slow dance together. It’s sweet, and they’re cheesy but in a non-disgusting way.

                 Chrarrison arrives and the bells toll to signify the end of the road for a sad one of the bachelors. She calls Doog first for obvious reasons. Oh my gosh, we’re getting down to the wire, and Arie’s name still hasn’t been called. It’s down to Alejandro and Arie! This can’t be!

In the end, I am heaving an enormous sigh of relief that Arie is sticking around, while Alejandro is out of the pack. He seems like a sweet man, but a little young for Emily. I’m sure he’ll have no problem finding a wonderful woman to share his life with. Back to the mushroom farm, for now though, Ale-ale-jandro.

              This whirlwind of an episode draws to a close. We had high romance and high drama. And next week they are off to Dubrovnik, Croatia which I bet only half the men can find on a map. There is kissing shot upon kissing shot and then Arie is kissing her against an ancient wall and I get the vapors. But there is trouble on the Adriatic with one gentleman who is “in it to win it, and Emily is the trophy.” Gee, I wonder who in the world is so competitive and would say a think like that. *Cough* Ryan *Cough* Arie makes a confession, and Emily storms out of the rose ceremony!  Only time will reveal all, dear readers, so until next time, keep on the journey.