The Agony And The Calumny Of Mike Daisey

Henley Monday - Did you miss me last week? I missed you too, boo boos but sometimes vacation calls. Today though, I am not poolside and soaking up the sun's rays but rather ankle deep in house cleaning and also in a constant state of fear from the two house centipedes I've seen slithering around today. It's not ideal.

Good thing I have Theo James' steely gaze here to carry me through. James plays Four in the upcoming film version of the YA hit Divergent, or you might recognize him as the dubious and deceased cause of very much woe Mr. Pamuk from Downton Abbey. He is an incredible pleasure to behold in this henley. Also in this one:

Can you even? Because I cannot. Cheers to his burgeoning film ubiquity for I should very much like to look upon his face and form for many years to come. Cheers Theo.

Henley Monday - I, for one, have started to look forward to these times together.

Like I said last week, Winter really is coming.  Of course, we first need to get through the brisk days of Fall, so Penn Badgley here demonstrates three dashing ways to effectively layer the henley.

He keeps out the cold. Our hearts melt. Monday afternoon goes by just a little easier...It's a winning situation any way you look at it.

Sex And The Single Churl: Another 'Bachelorette' Finale Gets Weird

Monday night's Bachelorette finale went in a very unusual direction for a show that usually denies the degree to which it's about sex.

At the end of our Very Special And Dramatic Finale Recap, I said that we still had some things to talk about. It hasn't been my habit to also recap the After the Final Rose special because it's usually just a time-filling parade of joy/despair. 

And this year was fairly similar; it doesn't warrant an entire recap. However, Nick was so distraught after his being dumped that he...said...some things on the special that deserve to be talked about. And I could try and parse them all out and whittle down my rage into thoughtful comments, but why bother when Linda Holmes has done so much more gracefully than I ever could?

So I defer, once again, to her infinite wisdom and humor to communicate not only the events of the AFR Special, but also to put them into thoughtful perspective. God, she rules.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

     This week on the Bachelorette, the party is officially leaving Charlotte and heading to Bermuda (which I bet is geographically located in a very different place than where your brain thinks it is)! I was wary considering Emily insisted on being in Charlotte to be close to Ricki, but it looks like she’ll be tagging along for most of the adventures. We get some screen time with just the two of them, and Emily truly looks like a great mom with a great kid. You can tell Ricki is going to grow up to be just as pretty as her mother. Thanks genetics!

This week we’re getting a fully mixed bag of dates with a one-on-one, a group date, and the first of the dreaded two-on-ones where only one bachelor comes out alive.

Inexplicably and hilariously all of the bachelor’s pull up to their hotel on matching mopeds.

The one-on-one goes to…DOOGLAS! Oh Doog, you sweet baboon. Let’s see how many times you mention your “little one” on this outing. The burgeoning tropical storm outside affects the stormy mood indoors as the men egg on poor Doog because he is super nervous. Arie points out how “easy it is to push Doug’s buttons” and we watch the men poke a bear with a stick by saying “We think you’re just building it up in your head,” for two whole minutes.

Emily notices the tension in the room because she walks in just as Doog was about to step to Arie. The two lovebirds leave for the date, and Arie, charming as ever observes Doog’s resemblance to a certain comic book character. “Doug ANGRY! DOUG SMASH! Doug…sad,” he says in a Hulk voice.

For the date, Emily and Doog walk around downtown St. George and do some touristy shopping things. “I just like island towns a lot,” Doog observes. Emily likes this date because it’s what a “married couple would do on vacation”.

                       On the steps of a lovely church Doog tells Emily all about how lucky he was to have a great grandpa who raised him, and how he wants to be that kind of father figure to his son Austin. Emily is very impressed by his positive attitude but wants to know if he is ever not perfect. He admits being grouchy when Emily picked him up. as he had just “scolded all the boys”. Emily quips, “They had the fear of God in them. You did a good job.” And Doog takes this as a compliment which is not great because Doog is starting to ride pretty high on his horse.

Emily and Doogie write a postcard to Austin, in reply to his letter to Emily the first night. This is actually sweet and shows how much Emily is always thinking like a parent. Then they make a wish and walk through this Moon Gate arch thingy, per Bermudian tradition. Emily’s wish? “That I won’t be single forever,” which…oh my gosh, girl, I feel you, but you’re gonna be fine.

                 Back at the hotel suite we get the group date card announcement. “Let’s set sail on the sea of love” is the date for these lucky fellows: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, and Kalon. 

It’s now “dinner” time for Emily and Doogie Bowser. Emily feels like he’s hiding something from her in how he always gives her the perfect answers. She worries that this is too much like Brad and her worst nightmare is this ending up like her and Brad again. So the Maynard plan of action is to put him before a firing squad in order to torture the flaws out of him. She wants to know what an ex would say his faults are, and he says “Too much time with my son.” He also says he didn’t was his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. “What kind of girls are you dating?” posits Emily, and I have to agree, Huh?

            Emily rattles off that she’s sensitive, stubborn, doesn’t work out (what a terd), and sometimes wears her pajamas all day. Then she realizes she put him in a really tough spot. “I’m just a guy,” Doog states, “I’m not a genius, and I’m not a dummy. I’m not wealthy, but I’m not poor. I’m just Doug.” She thinks he just may be that perfect a person, and gives him the rose.

Doogie is floating on cloud 9 but per his grandpa’s advice, won’t kiss a girl until he sure they want him to, so he hasn’t kissed a girl in….months…eesh. He also doesn’t EVER make the first move…eesh. Then he speaks in the third person...EEESH! I’ve got one eye on you, Doog.

             It looks a little chilly as the group date men arrive at the Royal Bermuda Yacht Club. They get a quick sailing lesson that consists mostly of “Watch out for the boom.” The men will be split into two teams and compete for the real date-time with Emily. Ryan with his, ahem, “Something about Mary” hair, rrreeaally wants to win because the only joy he has ever had in his life is from winning (I assume).

We cut to the hotel to see the men still agonizing over the two-on-one, when there’s a knock at the door. They will “explore this Bermuda-love-triangle” with Nate and John “Wolf”. They are :(

Back on the water, we have Team Yellow (Arie, Jef, Kalon, and Ryan) and Team Red (Charlie, Sean, Travis, and Chris). The race kicks off and the dramatic music kicks in. The race is kind of strangely shot so we’re never quite sure what is happening in the race or who is ahead. Sometimes the boats are seriously really close together and listing really heavily and I’m really scared and nervous. But the yellow team prevails! Bittersweet because Arie and Jef are two of my fav’s, but Kalon and Ryan are two of the worst.

         Oh my gosh, baby goblin prince Jef hurt his fingers, but it doesn’t matter because faint heart never won fair lady, right y'all?

The red team is sad they lost. They are “disappointed.” In the car they’re moping, and Charlie might be crying. He might just be tired, but we can’t really tell. Did his brain injury affect his ability to regulate his emotions?

At the “after party” Ryan kicks off by toasting to a “beautiful trophy...possible wife”. Grade A Tool-baggery. Arie steals her away first because he likes her so much and missed her. They are adorable talking and catching up like a real couple. They kiss. These two have fantastic physical chemistry in addition to their “connection.”

               Now we have alone time with Jef, the “master of group dates”! He is always so calm and soft-spoken when talking to camera. The two of them get wrapped up in a blanket by a big beach bonfire. Jef says he really likes who Emily is in between saying “like” a million times. I hate when people do this, but I love Jef so I’m chalking it up to nerves. She kisses his boo-boo finger!!!  And then we get a huge empty moment where there should have been a kiss, and Emily is sad there wasn’t one. She says it’s still fun to wait and anticipate that first great kiss. Smart, smart lady, this one.

Ryan is “being very intentional with what he’s doing” and is being a huge ass by testing Emily. Instead of the run-down of the conversation, here’s just a list of all the aphorisms uttered by Ryan during this segment:

-The enemy of great is good and just being “good” is not enough.

-I’m not here to impress you, but to make an impression upon you.

-If ya ain’t cheatin’, ya ain’t trying.

-Me and you would have some pretty children.

-God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.

-Being flirtatious is a good thing. If you cain’t flirt, what can you do?

-To whom much is given, much is required.

                       Emily sees through all of his BS and doesn’t like the feeling that Ryan is judging her. Preach, lady-sister!

Date rose goes to our pompadour-ed babe Jef! Much to his shock and precious surprise! He feels he’s beginning to fall for her. Fireworks over the bay and everything is lovely, for now...

Y’all, ready for the two-on-one?! The two men going have had barely any screen time yet and this is clearly a fat trimming move. I have to be honest that every time John “Wolf” speaks to camera, I get totally distracted by his job title - “Data destruction specialist”. What is that?! What kind of data does he destroy? Does this mean he has maximum security clearance? Does this mean he’s rich? Does this mean he’s just the copy-room guy in charge of the shredder? What?!

                   In the prison-like hotel suite, the other dudes get into an argument with Chris about age.  Chris gets really heated up that it doesn’t matter, and all the other guys are like “No, there’s a world of difference between 25 and 30.” What was just an average conversation got turned into a tiff thanks to Chris’ 25 year-old, dainty ego.

This two-on-one is so awkward it hurts me. They are on a boat, do some cliff jumping, then go on an amazing trip into cave for their dinner. It’s…painful. Nate keeps saying “kwin-oh-ah” pointing to his plate. Dude, stop talking about fiber and pronouncing quinoa super wrong.

             Emily hates her life in this moment. Nate cries about how great his family and friends are. Emily uses the word “innocent” to describe him and in that moment we know the axe has fallen on poor Nate. It is indeed the end of the road for Nate who makes a very graceful exit. JohnWolf gets the rose. He’s growing on me, but still not super special or stand-out.

           The cocktail party started with forty minutes left in the show, and Emily is in a slamming white jumpsuit. She is one of three people on Earth able to pull this look off. We talk with Alejandro first who is nervous because he hasn’t had hardly any time with Emily this week or at all and HOLY CRAP, YOU GUYS! JEF IS WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS! I SEE WHAT HE DID THERE! He’s also wearing sky-blue KNEE SOCKS!!! I LOVE HIM. KNEE SOCKS AND BERMUDA SHORTS IN BERMUDA 4EVA!

            Ryan is once again talking to Emily and laying it on thick, just...slathering it on. He is so condescending towards her.

Arie and Emily make out some more after telling each other how much they like each other. The two of them truly do have the best connection in the group.

Again, Ryan is such a huge butt-hole that I’m just going to directly transcribe what he said: “I like what I see in her; I see that there’s great potential. But then again, to be very honest with you, I feel like I’m called to something greater…When this whole thing is done, if it doesn’t work out for me, I’ll get involved with the media back home and say ‘Let’s do Bachelor-Ryan…Bachelor-Augusta… If I was the Bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart up, and it would be neat for everybody to see,” then smiles like a Cheshire cat. HE IS A FART BUCKET.

Emily and Sean -28 do have a strong connection considering how little time they’ve spent together. They have a natural ease to their conversation, good ebb and flow. They kiss and it’s nice, but there’s not the same heat as with Arie.

                 Chris rehashes the age thing with Emily again, and rather that really assure her, or me, that he’s mature and ready, it makes me feel like he’s insecure about it. He should be more insecure about the fact that he looks like Sam the Eagle, but instead he pulls Doogie Schnauzer aside to confront him. Doog completely has the upper hand in the argument as he keeps his cool, which just riles Chris up even more. “I’m never, ever gonna stand down to you,” Chris says, and Doog just laughs.

When Chris Harrison walks in to break up the cocktail party, someone dorkily says, “Christopher!” and it killed me but we don’t know who did it! *Sigh* Emily and Christopher have a good talk. Chris Harrison is such a calming presence and great voice of reason.  The most important part of the conversation is Emily admitting her “sixth sense” suspicion of Ryan and how he thinks he’s pulling one over on her. Chris is reassuring about the process, and that Emily needs to, basically, toughen up about the rose ceremony process because it’s her and Ricki's lives at stake.

           Jef in the front of the line in his shorts and rose and jacket is cracking me up. He looks like a Von Trapp! Sean – 28 is called first, good for him. Both Ryan and Kalon are still around, I suspect at the behest of the producers. In the end it comes down to Michael, Alejandro, and sweet, sweet brain-injured Charlie. She picks Alejandro. Alejandro the mushroom farmer who is 24 and very cute but VERY young. What??? Charlie and Michael are both sad to go, and I’m sad to see them go. Both are such sweet, adorable dudes. Michael has never been in love before?!?!?!? Oh, SWEETHEART, you are precious to me! I just want to squeeze them both.

                     Next stop on the world tromp is London!!! It looks like a great episode because Jef has a one on one.  Most importantly there is some major drama! As what I swear to you is the music from Intervention plays, we find out that one man is cold-hearted and sees Ricki as “baggage.” Emily is furious and tells him to “Get the F*** out.” So who could it be? Villain from the start Kalon? Virtual unknown Travis? Or is it someone we already love like Sean? Only time will tell. Until then, keep on your “journey” fellow viewers.

Henley Monday -

I'm pressed for time today folks, so let me cut to the chase: this is a picture of Jensen Ackles looking really nice and really thoughtful in a grey henley and holding a beer. What is troubling you buddy? I don't know and I don't care because it makes you look good! But obvs I hope it all gets sorted out. KISSES!

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Can you believe we're almost to the bitter end of this season of the Bachelor? I know I can't. But here we sit, ready to hear the women Sean has dumped along his journey dish all their juiciest gossip and share just how hurt they were by that big blond oaf with a baby's brain. 

Hit me with it, Chrarrison!

Chris Harrison walks out to thunderous applause. I’m not kidding it’s like a One Direction concert in there. They scream louder and louder as he suggests things like “Sean!” and “Sean with his shirt off!” They boo terrifically on cue when he says “Tierra!”

Before we get to the dirt, Chrarrison and Sean take us on their adventures of crashing various Bachelor viewing parties in the LA area. We have two hours to kill here people, so buckle up. The first house is full of screaming teenagers who flock to him like he is the Messiah. The rest of the parties are all full of women who scream for him and coo over him.

The big finale of this dog and pony show is Sean bursting into the Delta Gamma sorority house. The girls obviously go insane and as the cameras walk in, this one girl instinctively does that Delta Gamma thing where you crook your arm all weird to make a Gamma, and she literally won’t stop. She just keeps doing that thing and smiling maniacally at the camera. Go hug, Sean sweetie. Put your stupid arm down.

They chant for him to take his shirt off. He obliges. I’m sad about a lot of things.

It is time! The women have all been tromped out in their finery to sit on incredibly uncomfortable stools to give us what we want! I love seeing them after a few months of minimal celebrity because everybody changes their hair a little and they get their makeup done professionally so everyone looks tip top. AshLee got some new extensions and her hair is Connie Britton-glorious.

Notably missing from tonight’s proceedings is Ashley the girl with heinous extensions who sang a song about her momma’s sweet tea for Sean then got kicked off. She is presumably performing her heart out on a cruise ship far, far away.

Without mention of She Who Must Not Be Named, the conversation immediately jumps to discussing She Who Must Not Be Named. “Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle that big,” Lesley says of our favorite little psychopath. Selma agrees that she was just rude and impolite and straight up weird. AshLee is still amazed that they had such a blow out in St. Croix. And Brook the Community Organizer about whom I completely forgot, thinks that the girls are just jealous because they weren’t as smart as You Know Who at coming up with ways to hang out with Sean. Yikes. Nope. That’s definitely not it.

Before we break to commercial, Chrarrison taunts that Tierra is backstage ready to defend herself. They show her wearing a hideous dress and spraying herself with enough perfume to poison a small dog. The proverbial poop is about to hit the fan.

The tension in the room is palpable as Lord Voldemort Tierra comes onto the stage and screen. Her makeup is actually nice and simple, probably to prevent another Polar Bear Plunge mascara disaster. Right off the bat she says how she “lights up in a room” and when she walks into a room she brings such joy with her and is talking very quietly like an un-sub from Criminal Minds who’s been stealing the neighborhood dogs and killing and stuffing them in her basement so she can have a menagerie of friends (I just made that up but it sounds like a great episode).

Chris Harrison does a very good job at interviewing her calmly and without accusation. He poses questions to her like, “But other girls got roses throughout the process and weren’t hated, so why did you feel like the target on your back was so big?” Good questions that she can’t answer without lying her little face off. She truly plays the victim so, so well.

“Even if you’re not trying to make best friends, why not just be friend-ly? Why make it harder on yourself?” Chris asks as the other girls vigorously nod their heads.

Finally, Chrarrison asks the money question: is there anything she regrets or would like to apologize for. You guys won’t believe it. You’ll never guess what she says. She says no. She says there’s nothing to apologize for! The women and the studio audience are positively agog.

So, now the women get to pester Tierra with questions about why she was the way she was. Basically it becomes a pissing contest of who can most accurately pinpoint why she was such a terrible person to be around. Brooke the Community Organizer actually comes up with a really good rebuttal. She wishes that Tierra would stand in her convictions and just stand up that she didn’t want to make friends and was unfriendly, rather than act like an innocent victims of other girls’ pettiness. Holla, Brooke!

Before AshLee can rip her claws into Tierra, Chris breaks us to commercial so he can properly wrangle the conversation about the infamous St. Croix Blow Up. AshLee is miffed. Tierra is blinking like a baby deer. AshLee takes GREAT offense to being called a liar. Tierra thinks she is always wrong and no matter what she does, she’ll be wrong. Well, if the only thing you do is lie and be terrible then yes, you’ll be wrong. But if you take responsibility for your actions and humbly apologize and grow from the experience, then maybe you won’t be so wrong. Selma agrees with me.

Eventually Tierra still doesn’t completely take the blame and admit she did something wrong, but she does apologize.

HOLY CRAP. TIERRA WAS LITTLE MISS NEVADA. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. She’s trying to make her case for the “Tierra you have a sparkle” line, but man does that ever backfire! Um. Hold on. Then Chrarrison points out what I’ve been blind to. Tierra is wearing an enormous diamond ring on her left hand. Sister girl is engaged. TIERRA is ENGAGED. Tierra’s engaged. Tierra has found love. When Chris asks when she got engaged, Tierra responds with “no comment”. Which is dumb. Chris asks again and she says “January”. So that was weird. Everything about her is weird. Oh well. She will plague me never more from this point forward.

Sarah’s time in the hot seat is up. There’s a chance that she could be the next Bachelorette based on her sad story, beautiful personality and face, and the fact that she’s so scared of never finding love. I really, really love this girl. She talks again about how she feels that her whole life has been a series of men telling her that she’s amazing but not right for them. “I think I’m funny, and smart, and I think I’m great!” she says, “And so do we!” someone from the audience shouts. Thunderous applause. Yes, Sarah. So do we.

Chris asks Dez if he can “holla at her for a second” in the hotseat (JK Chris isn’t Dez’s brother). They’re really building Dez up to be the next Bachelorette as she talks about how she just wants to make someone happy and wants the soul-mate level connection her parents have. There are a lot of sympathetic faces nodding along in the audience. She is very open to finding love (like all humans) and is looking forward to bringing the things she learned about herself into her next relationship. Now if I was a betting woman, I would place lots and lots of money on Dez’s horse to be the next Bachelorette.

“And yes! We have bloopers!” Chris exclaims from his mountaintop of glory because nothing and I mean NOTHING in this world could please me more than BLOOPERS FROM THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee gets to come up and give her side of the story in the breakup we all saw go down last week. They get to talking right away about the heated and emotional good-bye, and they pan over the singular guy in the audience! He’s in a sharp oatmeal sweater with big black-frame glasses. I’m very interested in what he’s thinking about while he’s sitting there listening to AshLee talk about her abandonment issues one more time. Is it steak? Is it her tight dress? Is it the unstoppable season the Chicago Blackhawks have been having? Or is it that Ash just really needs to lighten up and find a man who is not on TV to make her happy?

As she watched the show, AshLee says she realized Sean wasn’t quite the man she thought he was, the man she thought was her soul-mate. She says, “I mean, hate me for this, but he kind of acted like a frat boy.” If by frat-boy you mean stringing along several women at once and convincing them all he had feelings for them then dumping them without explanation one-by-one? Then yes, AshLee, a frat boy indeed. And I don’t hate you for it.

I scream a scream of anger and betrayal to the heavens as Sean comes out on stage, for once again the people in make-up have not heeded my cries to darken in Sean’s eyebrows when they put foundation on him for TV appearances! Why!?! Oh WHITHER, YE MAKEUP FIENDS?!

Like any meeting between ex’s, the awkwardness levels in the room are high. Sean says he’s eager to see the women. They, perhaps not so much. AshLee gets to come back on stage to have her talk with Sean! How horrible! He tells her that her new hair color looks beautiful which makes me puke in my mouth! Not the time for platitudes, Sean!

AshLee is not letting him off easy. She is being very pushy and insistent about how Sean never came to check on her. “But Sean you’re a gentleman. You’re supposed to be the man here,” she insists. Sean looks cornered and terrified because we all know he’s never going to be “right” to her.

Then a weird thing happens where Ashlee accuses him of saying that he had absolutely no feelings for the other women. His diplomatic façade kind of falls as he over and over again denies that he said that. “I didn’t say that, and I wouldn’t say that,” he tells her.

That hurt to watch. It was so awkward and painful it hurt me. Oh good and there’s more! AshLee, shocker, can’t let it go. The woman who can’t stop talking for one second about her abandonment issues won’t let something go! Wowzers! She keeps insisting that Sean said he had no feelings for the other women, and he continues to insist he said no such thing.

Moving on, thank goodness, he gets to talk to Dez. It’s very warm and cordial. They actually both seem pretty happy with how things turned out, so hey, it was all for the best. \

OH MY GOOOOSHHADLJFLAKDSJFWJERIOJUWASLFJASL IT’S TIME FOR BLOOPERS! I’VE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED FOR SOMETHING IN MY LIFE! IT’S A BLOOPER REEL OF THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hijinks ensue.

With a final peek at the season finale coming next week, our penultimate wrap-up must end. Next week we will not only find out who gets to be Sean’s real-life girlfriend for a whole six months, but also who will be our next Bachelorette! I’m so excited, I can hardly breathe. Tell me all about the viewing parties you guys are having! I’ll be posting my official Bachelor Drinking/Eating Game rules for you on Monday so check in!

My favorite scene in Bridesmaids is the entire airplane scene, but this snippet is the best of the best. While not specifically at the wedding, I think it still counts as a great moment in film nuptials.

The best part: The absolute straight delivery of Steve/Stove.

"Are you an appliance?"

"No. I'm a man. And my name is Steve."

"You're a flight attendant."

"That is absolutely accurate."

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

Guys this is a lot of hours of tv I've recapped in the last three days. I've spread it out over the week, but really I hunkered down and did all six hours of the Bachelor within about 18 hours, and holy crap I am tired. I'm just gonna close my eyes and real quick listen to "Can't Hold Us" by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis to pump me up.

Ok. Here I am. Back and ready to go. When last we left our heroes, they were en route to the Virgin Islands for some fun in the sun and for things with Tierra to reach their boiling point.

Sean just continues to be a tame lil' rebel and breaks the rules by arriving in St. Croix with the other women as they arrive by sea plane. He departs and the ladies set up in their hotel suite and plan all the fun times they'll have. While they chirp, Tierra set up a roll-away cot in one of the rooms because she's "not friends with girls who like her boyfriend." And needs space to focus on Sean. This is all completely normal and healthy behavior that is only to be expected of a woman mature and at a place in her life where she's ready to get married. JUST KIDDING TIERRA IS FULL BLOWN PSYCHO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS PANS OUT.

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date. She’s super excited because the card said “let’s get carried away” and she “always gets carried away with Sean. If not physically, then emotionally.” Don’t let him physically carry you places, Ashlee. Be your own woman.

Tierra sings a nice little song called “the cougar’s back in town” about AshLee and how at 32, she is so old she’s useless to society and wonders what’s wrong with AshLee that a modern, independent woman with a successful career is not yet married and the mother of many babies.

There is no rose on the one-on-one because HOLY CRAP, the hometown dates are next week. Things are heating up! Where has the time gone? Let’s get Tierra the f*ck out of here, Sean!

As the cameras pan over AshLee stripping down to her bikini, Sean voices over how proud he was that AshLee let him blindfold her in Canada and show her vulnerability like only someone who planned a stunt down to a tee can. They take a catamaran out to their own private island for fun in the sun sexy times.

Cut to Lesley, Catherine, Dez, and Lindsay cackling like crows and discussing what else, Tierra. It’s an accurate and candid moment of girls talking about another girl behind her back. Then AshLee on the beach (while it drizzles? Is it raining?) tells Sean the details of why they don’t like Tierra and what her problems are. It’s pretty straight forward, and honest, not cruel. And he seems to take it kind of well? I’m not sure. His simple mind is hard to read.

When Tierra FINALLY gets her one-on-one date card, she is none too pleased to discover that they’ll be walking the streets of St. Croix. I mean the bugs are attacking her and her (METRIC TON OF) makeup dripping off doesn’t sound special enough. Tierra Hulk about to make appearance.

AshLee wears a crop top and floral sarong (???) to the ocean-side dinner with Sean. He immediately asks a hard-hitter, if there’s anything they haven’t covered about her family that they need to. Dramatic pause. She has a bomb to drop and they drag out that dropping as long as possible.

Turns out AshLee is a divorcee! She got married at seventeen when she was a junior in high school and was divorced the next year! Yikes! I thought she maybe had three secret kids (no way she would’ve talked about those guys constantly) or maybe like killed a guy and went to jail for a bit. But she’s still just as ashamed as if she had killed a guy. Sean tells her he thinks she’s perfect just the way she is and that she isn’t broken. That’s nice. It’s the truth. But still nice to reiterate that being divorced in no way makes you a broken and ruined human person.

Then AshLee stands up and says, “Are you ready?” And Sean replies, “For what?” And boy, did he have no idea what was coming because AshLee then screams, “HELLO ST. CROOOOOIIIIX!” and he likes this game because he does the same thing! Then they play some more and she says, “Ready?” and he says, “For what?!” and she takes a deep breath and screams, “I LOVE SEAAAAN!” From atop her chair. On an island. On TV. Just as those words were meant to be said. God, those words just seem to be a wee bit premature.

It’s finally here, y’all: time for the Reign of Tierra’s first one-on-one date. Sean’s “got a lot of questions for her” as well he should. Remember on Emily’s season when so many of the dates just consisted of two people wandering around a strange city and shopping? This is as boring as that only worse because Tierra is here and she’s complaining all the way and demanding fig body lotion to which Sean says “I bet you like soaps and body lotions, huh?” which OH MY GOD. GREAT BANTER. GOOD FIRST DATE TALKING POINTS, YOU MIMBO.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some wine or something, but I’m just really caps-y and really giggly at how horrendous this whole this is. She is bedecked is stupid tourist trinkets that Sean (ABC) bought for her. “It means a lot” she nods to camera. No, it doesn’t.

Then there’s an impromptu parade with some locals festooned in traditional garb. Sean and Tierra dance in the street and look happy. I wish the feathered locals would carry Tierra off into the jungle and never return.

Simple Sean is incredibly confused as to how he could enjoy spending time with someone like Tierra so much, and still know all the things he knows about how everyone on planet Earth hates her. They sit down with some snow-cones to discuss just that. Tierra immediately lies her pretty little face off, then tells the cameras she will be incredibly pissed if she finds out some girl threw her under the bus.

They move onto dinner, and Tierra jumps right into setting the vibe right from earlier when she could tell Sean was turned off. “I did feel like there was a little distant from you and I don’t know what it was caused from,” Tierra tells a stone faced Sean. She is a sculptor of words. Sean admits that his distance is due to the drama with all the other girls.

Moments later, on a moonlit dock, Tierra seizes the moment to tell Sean how much she cares for him, and feels for him, then smiles showing all her teeth which is a sign of aggression in monkeys, then kisses him, then pulls him into a hug to whisper “I’m falling in love with you” and I google information about filing restraining orders on other people’s behalf. They smush face kiss a lot. He doesn’t seem into it a lot.

This next part. I can’t even. At 4:42 am Sean creeps into the girls’ room with a flashlight and a camera because he knows how much girls hate being seen without makeup, but he really wanted to see that, so he just stole their pictures upon first waking up. That is such a brilliantly horrible idea. I want to know which producer thought that up, sold it to Sean, and then actually helped carry that out. So I can punch that person.

Despite getting off to a rocky and in perhaps criminal start, this date actually sounds pretty awesome. They got up so early to race to the top of a hill to watch the sun rise from the Eastern most point in the United States, and through the day they’ll be traveling across the whole island to then watch the sun set. This is actually a love idea and fun a group activity.

The first stop on the Virgin Island road trip journey to love is a sugar mill and I’m pretty sure that’s where Sean and Tierra had their date last night so…less exciting. Then they go feed a random donkey! Then they go to a magical place called “Café” where they drink tropical drinks. Then they go to a tree house in the jungle where Dez monopolizes Sean’s time being adorable, and Lindsay and Catherine are sad about it.

They make it to the beach where they’ll watch the sunset and every girl freaks out about the rose because it means he’ll meet her family. I kind of care, but Sean is getting tan and freckly and better looking and I want to look at him more than at Lindsay cooing.

Obligatory Bachelor shot of a wild bird! They did it! Mark the calendar everybody. The wild bird shot has been completed episode 7.

Sean and Lindsay have a good beach talk about how even though she was insane and wore a wedding dress on the first night, they really like each other. While avoiding eye contact the whole time, Catherine tells Sean that if he comes home he won’t meet her dad because when she was 14 he tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters. Like, Catherine! That is relevant to your love life! That is relevant to shaping who you are as a person not a tree falling in Brooklyn! Anyways, her vulnerability and honesty make Sean like her even more. They are bunnies.

Cut to Lesley and AshLee talking sh*t about Tierra on the veranda, but Tierra can hear the whole thing! AshLee doesn’t think Tierra has the nerve to confront her, but boy is she in for a surprise.

Dez continues to be adorable by crying about how much she loves her family and wants Sean to meet them. I don’t hate her at all for this. Based on what she’s said about her upbringing, her family sounds like they are full of love and made it through hard times. Yay, Dez.

So after two heartfelt talks and one play-date, Sean gives the rose to his infant friend Lindsay. I bet she really hates having that zit right about now. The other two girls are visibly bummed out. Don’t worry girls. I think he really likes you both.

So now it’s time for Lesley’s one-on-one. Sean doesn’t want to get caught up in the glamour of a fancy Bachelor date, so he wants to take her somewhere beautiful and just talk. This does not bode well for Lesley maybe. They have a chill date wandering a ruined rum factory that has fruit trees growing all over. Intensely beautiful.

They sit down for lunch and talk about what meeting her family would be like. Lesley decides not to tell Sean she’s falling in love with him. She is so smart and lovely, but Sean is worried that she’s tense and not confident in their relationship. Even though they kiss a little, Sean thinks their relationship just moves a little slower than the others.

Due to the weight of the decisions he’ll be making this week, Sean’s sister Shay comes to town to give a little sisterly advice. This is good! Nothing like someone who cares about you to come in and level with you about the bat-shit crazy girl you’re keeping close company with.

Shay is direct and honest and I like her. She wastes no time asking tough questions like do you want to marry any of them? Have any of them told you they love you? Is there that totally sucks that is drawing you in? Shay then says the family’s worst fear would be for that last thing to happen. That the terrible girl is the one he ends up with and then he ends up getting hurt.

Tierra and AshLee throw down time! They start off seated on opposite couches, very calmly discussing their dates. Tierra tells her he was distant and knows it was AshLee who said something to him.

Oh my god this is amazing. They are overlaying AshLee and Tierra’s fight with Sean and Shay talking about how Tierra has been the name that all the other girls bring up as a bad person with bad intentions.

AshLee holds her own and manages to keep somewhat calm as she rips Tierra to shreds. Tierra FLIES off the handle and keeps brinigng up AshLee’s age into the argument. AshLee just says Tierra’s character is bad, and that’s just true. She doesn’t say “you’re a bitch”, she says she has bad character. Which I respect and like.

Shay reminds Sean that her only piece of advice going into this was “don’t end up with the girl that nobody likes.” BOOM. THIS IS SO GOOD.

The argument has moved to the budoir where Lesley and Catherine are laying on the bed intently listening to every word.

Here are just direct quote highlights from Tierra:

“Raised eyebrow?! AshLee that’s my face! I have had no botox, no nothing, so I can’t help that.”

“They said ‘Tierra you have a sparkle. Tierra you have a sparkle! Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.’” AHHHHHHHHH;LAJDFJASKLJFOWUEROADS;LFJSPARKLEAKLSJDOIEWORUAOSJDF;LAJSDFJAWIOERJAJDF;LASJDFI;AJSPARKLEEEEE

“I can’t control my eyebrow! I cannot! I cannot control what’s on my face 24/7!”

Ok so now Sean thinks he should go grab Tierra and maybe Shay will see something he doesn’t see. This is perfect. This is too good.

Sean arrives to find all the girls sitting in their living room silently, and goes to look for Tierra. When he finds her she is crying with her head down, so he says her name to get her attention and she FLIPS her head and ponytail up like a jack-in-the-box. I cackled so hard, y’all.

Sean is all “wtf?” with why she’s acting like this. He’s like “let’s go meet someone” and she’s like “I’m so sensitive and special. This is so hard for me.” As she sits there crying and using words like “sabotage” we see the realization hit him like a semi-truck. Shay doesn’t need to meet her anymore because he all of the sudden totally gets it. This is a crazy person, and most importantly, not the crazy person who deserves his love!

She cries some more, and Sean tells her to sit tight and walks away. “This is turning into a nightmare,” he tells us. He is thinking as hard as his little brain will let him think about all this.

He comes back in and says tells her how he wanted her to meet his sister, so she obviously starts sobbing and clings to him with all her tiny strength. He then says that because he cares so much about her, he thinks it would be best if she goes home now. Yes, Sean. Yes, Sean. Yes, yes, Sean. Positive decision making skills under fire!

He walks her down the resort path of doom and asks, “are you gonna be ok?” to which she crinkles up her face like a troll and says “No. I’m not.” Yes you are, dummy. Everyone ends up ok. As soon as he slams the van door shut she sobs out, “I can’t believe they did this to me!” Oh sweetie, you did this all to yourself.

As the rose ceremony begins, none of the women have any idea what has happened to Tierra or what is going on. They speculate wildly, not knowing he’s completed their dreams. Sean tells them what happened and then clarified that he did not like drama and stared AshLee in the face. She freaks the eff out. He decides to go straight into the rose ceremony with no talking beforehand.

With Lindsay already safe, there are only three roses to go out for the hometown dates. He calls Dez first. Then Catherine gets her rose. We have the front runners. Now it’s last rose time. Down to Lesley and AshLee. He picks AshLee. In the moment we cut to Lesley, she looks sad and young. She has years ahead of her. She’ll be fine.

Weirdly, Catherine is really upset because she doesn’t understand why he’d send Lesley home when they have so much in common. I don’t know, Catherine. Don’t question it too hard?

THAT’S IT! THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE. I am done. I’m gonna go eat food and watch some scripted TV. I’ll be back on regular schedule next week, until then, keep journeying, journeyers.

The Bachelor - Episode 10 Recap

The Women Tell All

Juan  Pablo’s turbulent season of the Bachelor has moved along at quite the clip. Why, it feels like just yesterday we were eagerly anticipating Juan-uary, blissfully unaware of what a horrendous douche bag Juan Pablo would turn out to be. But here we are at the Women Tell All, one week away from a finale that I’m hoping ends in heartbreak for this guy. I often find this episode to be the most difficult to recap because it is either just a recap itself, or it is so dialogue heavy that it’s hard to pick and choose which quotes make it. And tonight is promised to be a brutally honest show-down between the women and Juan Pablo.

I can’t wait.

Chris Harrison opens by acknowledging that JP is a controversial and divisive Bachelor…and then we cut straight to tromping out Sean and Catherine to catch up about their wedding and their sex life. I care not! I love them, but I care not of their marital bliss!

UUUGGGGHHHH and then we cut to a fully bearded Chris Harrison interviewing another high profile celebrity couple: Miss Piggy and Kermit. It’s all part of their escalating publicity campaign for Muppets Most Wanted that comes out this month.

Ok finally we are at the women. They are all there and looking beautiful. We jump right into a video package of all them talking about how sexy and suave Juan Pablo is, and how he’s attractive because he plays soccer and dances.  I feel like it’s baiting them into explaining why they now think he’s a jerk. `Which they do gladly. It becomes a gigantic pile on of how and why he was maybe not the best guy to try to be in a relationship with.

Andi starts off the dog pile by saying that yes, Juan Pablo was very attractive, but after a while you need something more than a pretty face to sustain a relationship. Danielle, the one they tried to make us forget chimes in that all their conversations stayed very surface level. Lauren S., the awkward and shy music composer, also adds that he would always say “What do you want to know about me?” but never really asked about her, which other women vigorously nod their heads to agree with. “It gave me the impression that he was just not interested,” concludes Lauren S.

But then to switch debate team sides, Renee is there who felt genuine love for this man. She chalks it up to the fact that they were able to bond about their children and parenting which is very deep and not surface level. Ali interjects that Renee, however, did express frustration that their conversation couldn’t get past Ben and Camila. Cassandra, the other mother (who’s deep plumb lipstick I COVET), agrees that they so often didn’t talk about anything other than their kids.

“When you date someone, you connect with someone and you know about their past and you know about their childhood. You know about what pizza they like and what their favorite color is! I don’t think he was asking those types of questions,” Cassandra says, making a really awesome point. Kat says that any time she tried to steer the conversation that way it got weird or shut down.

Then Ali jumps in the dog pile saying, “He asked me where I saw myself in five years. And then the next conversation we had, he asked me where I saw myself in three years, and I was like well pretty close to that five year mark!”

And then we hit kind of the only stumbling block between the women that we get all episode truthfully. Lauren again expresses that she felt he was really hard to connect/relate to and it frustrated a lot of the women how he seemed so “checked out”. To which Kelly, Dog Lover and Dispeller of Discerning Wit, replies “Ok, so, Lauren in the house you were acting very different than you’re acting now. You were very into him. In TEARS in Korea.”

“I was emotional because I was deciding if I either want to move our relationship forward or leave,” retorts Lauren.

So Chris posits this to Kelly, “Is a lot of this just sour grapes that Juan Pablo didn’t pick them?”

“I think so, “ Kelly responds. I agree that is probably the case for some of them, but I do also think that the cold water shock of getting back to reality and not the Bachelor Fantasy World probably made them realize that guy was not the best.

Despite everything that happened between them at the end, Andi does come to his defense a bit. She defends that he was there “for the right reasons”, but that his end goal was different than theirs. He wanted to get a “girlfriend” that after everything was over he could figure things out with, but the women came there for a husband.

And here’s another weird thing about this season. There is usually a villain to rail against: one woman who was the source of all the drama, all the negativity in the house, who must be tromped out on stage to atone for her sins. But there isn’t a woman this time. It’s the Bachelor himself.  Chris Harrison, ever on my side, agrees that he has never been part of a Women Tell All quite like this one.

Next we’re going to pile on to Juan Pablo for having a set of cockamamie rules that he changed whenever he felt like it in regards to kissing. Kat feels like it was confusing. Kelly thinks he used Camila as an excuse for the chemistry not being there.

“He didn’t say ‘Camila’ whenever he was in the ocean,” she says. BOOM. Kelly! Please host your own show!

Renee comes in to defend him a bit with his choice not to kiss her out of consideration for her son Ben, but Kat feels like that may have been a cop-out too. Kat also goes on to add that while she loves the moms, him always referring to the as “my special ones” made her questions, “Well, what the hell am I?”

And while Chris helps clarify that it was because Juan Pablo is also a parent and wanted to make sure Renee and Cassandra felt understood, Kat (and I) think he should have just cut the word “special” from his vocabulary. Cassandra even agrees. She was a “special one” and even she was frustrated by the constant changing of the rules.

She goes on to explain that on their one-on-one date, there “was a lot of chemistry, a lot of kissing” and then he would go straight to Renee to tell her that he wanted to wait with her. So ultimately, she says, “It made me feel like he’s either not respecting Renee, or he’s not respecting me.”

And after that little ordeal we move right along to the Clare and the Ocean drama! Andi and Kat were both flabbergasted that they had no idea whatsoever that had happened because they were rooming with her. But the girls are more offended by the extended hot tub make out they had DURING the group date.  Kelly and Kat both say “that was way more disrespectful!” at the same time!

But back to the ocean, Chris Harrison says, “He had great regret and shame the next day, and he seemed to put that shame on Clare. Did he handle that situation correctly?” And NO is the resounding answer from all the women and the entire studio audience.

“I just don’t think he manned up like he should have in that situation. Honestly he’s just as to blame, if not more,” Sharleen pipes up. They all share that he was being a cowardly jackass who was slut-shaming Clare completely unfairly. Andi sticks up for Clare saying she knew what a great connection they had and took advantage of a situation. It’s completely on Juan Pablo for letting it explode and backfire the way it did. Alright, with that we end the guerilla warfare on Juan Pablo.

Sharleen gets up on the hot seat! Sharleen seemed a little divisive amongst you guys. Some felt like she was the breath-of-fresh-air, every-woman this show had been so sorely lacking, some of you felt like she was just awkward and strange and unpleasant. I think she was a bit of a combination of all those things. Chris Harrison feels like the relationship shared between she and Juan Pablo was such a hot-cold crazy thing, the likes of which he hasn’t really seen before.

“I think that honestly, I was honest the entire time,” she says when Chris asks her to talk about her experience. Cut to the video package that recaps their time together. We are forced to relive a lot of those hideous kisses.

She talks about how when they were together there was a great physical connection, but that so many of us have been in that place where the chemistry is there so you try and justify and fill in all the other holes and empty spaces. They laugh about the ever elusive “cerebral connection”.

Sharleen does come to Juan Pablo’s defense in that she found him to be “very curious” and would ask her questions about her life abroad and other cultures etc. But Chris chalks that up to her being Juan Pablo’s favorite from the get-go. Sharleen admits to having no idea how well favored she was, and the other women are like, “GIRL, PLEASE!”. They alllll knew how special she was. But ultimately, “it’s a two way street and that didn’t stop me from leaving” Sharleen concludes. She has few regrets and is glad she made the decision to leave. Huzzah, Sharleen you are a class act.

Now it’s Renee’s turn to drag her heart through the mud again. I have so much respect for this woman, so I’ll be interested to hear what she has to say about Juan Pablo. Renee is very level headed, very kind so she might be easier on him than the other women. Renee acknowledges that while she did feel love for him, they were so far behind everyone else. She was the last to kiss him, and they just moved slowly. But ultimately, Renee doesn’t regret coming on the show because she gained confidence that you can date as a single mom. And she also says she’s in a “situation now where I’m very happy”!!! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RENEE! BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOURS! CLASS ACT FOR THE AGES!

Andi, come on down! It’s time for our hero Andi to take a turn in the hot seat. They dive right in about what happened in the Fantasy Suite that fateful night. Andi admits that at first when the cameras left, they did have a bit of a good time, but it quickly turned into Juan Pablo talking about his soccer, his traveling, the famous people he’s met. She also says he talked very negatively about the “whole process” and was so negative, and borderline ungrateful for the opportunity, that she felt sucked into it.

“I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” she laughs.

“Was that sarcastic?” Chris asks.

“Oh no, that is actually zero sarcasm. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” responds Andi.

She then rehashes a lot of the things she was upset about when she left in St. Lucia. He was rude and talked explicitly about his date with Clare and no woman wants to hear that. Andi also does  a good job clarifying that he wasn’t “mean” to her, per say, but that the things he said and the way he said them were rude and disrespectful, unintentionally. Which to my mind is almost worst, to be a total jackass and not even realizing how hurtful you’re being. Wake up, buddy!

The best part though is when Andi admits to faking being asleep to get the date over with as soon as possible. She and old Chrarrison have a hearty laugh over that one. And they end by saying that Andi is not “in a situation” like Renee, but that she’s still looking for love. So they have set her up perfectly to be the next Bachelorette.

AND NOOOOW, ARE YOU READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBBLLEEEEEE??? JUAN PABLO IS HERE. He says right away that while he’s anxious and nervous to be there, he hopes he can be friends with many of these women after the final rose is done. Also he doesn’t regret anything he’s said or done!

“I’d rather be not appreciated for being honest than being appreciated for not being honest,” he says. He really would rather be rude and offensive speaking “the truth” than just say things a little differently and not be such a jag. Cool. Sounds right.

Lauren S. calls him out right away for using Camila as an excuse to not kiss her, rather than just saying the chemistry wasn’t there. His hackles go up and he says “no, no, no” and explains that he wasn’t there to kiss twenty-seven women, no no, he was there to get to know them and see if he felt something. So if he felt like he wanted to kiss them, he would’ve kissed them.  Which is cool because it is 100% up to the man to decide whether or not a kiss should happen because what do a woman’s feelings matter anyway HA HA HA?!?!?!

Juan Pablo also dives into a speech about how the part where Renee says how crushed Ben was after the last boyfriend and her broke up wasn’t televised. So he wan’t to spare Ben from that heartache and distress over why a man would kiss his mom and then leave forever. Baloney.

Which is where Cassandra, all of the sudden my hero this episode, says, “Honestly, if you cared about Ben’s feelings, you wouldn’t have gone on the hometown and met Ben only to send Renee home.”

To which Juan Pablo replies, “Why not?” because he’s the WORST.

“Before a hometown, you should have known if Renee might have been for you. And if you knew that Renee wasn’t for you, then you should have never met her son,” replies Cassandra.

“Why?” he says with the most condescending expression on his face. He says he introduces to Camila to whoever on the first date, as a “friend” or whatever. Which seems like the trope in the beginning of a 90s movie about children of divorce that are always being introduced to a parent’s “friend” all the while knowing that parent was dating cheap, no-good men/women. CAMILA GETS IT, JP. STOP DOING THAT.

Chantel calls him out for saying that keeping things fair line over and over and yet calling two women “special” and treating them differently. I think we’re getting a little caught up in the semantics of the phrase, rather than him not treating all the women as equals. He says that when he was on the Bachelorette it was different because Camila had her mom, but for these two, “they don’t”. Meaning the kids don’t have their moms, but don’t they have their dads? If they do, then this just reveals more of Juan Pablo’s unbending gender roles that a mom is the primary care-giver and dad’s can’t/shouldn’t do as much. Or the dads aren’t around and it is truly harder.

So Lauren H. the weeping Mineral Coordinator from night one chimes in with some sound reasoning and redeems herself a lot. She says that it is good to have those connections with the moms in the group, but to acknowledge and act compassionate towards the whole group because everyone is in a similar place. Way to go, Lauren H.! Coordinate those minerals!

Andi speaks up for Juan Pablo and it’s good because she expresses for him what he might not be able to. She says that he wan’t putting Renee and Cassandra above everyone else, but wanted to make sure they knew that he saw them differently.

“It’s not a game, this is like a relationship. And I think everyone here just wanted to be treated like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you,” Lucy tells Juan Pablo. This is great. All these women have really shown up tonight with their best, smart, strong sides showing. Girl Power, Lucy!

And then Kelly takes off the gloves and asks Juan Pablo point blank about what he meant in that infamous interview where he said gay people are “more pervert”. “Coming from a parent who is gay, I was hurt by that,” Kelly says. Juan Pablo looks right at her and says that he would love to really take the time after this to talk to her because that was taken out of context.

“Pervert? Was taken out of context?! Tell me that in Spanish,” she demands. Kelly is emotional here and that’s fair. Then Victoria joins in that he needs to stop using “English as a second language” as an excuse because she didn’t learn English until she was fifteen, and it’s making everyone look bad. I agree with that whole-heartedly!

But, I do feel like Juan Pablo is not a raging homophobe and that it’s possible he was misquote and misrepresented in that interview. He tries to defend himself but also gets a little too on the defensive that he’s not going to answer that right now. Whereas I think he could have used this time to really apologize and explain what happened. “I have no problem with them because I respect them. They were born that way!” he says. Sharleen also comes to his defense in saying that they talked about it in Seoul and feels like he is open minded and accepting. I believe Sharleen, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

And then we cut straight to bloopers! Chris Harrison says, “here’s your bloopers” like “here’s your gosh darn bloopers you ungrateful, dramatic loons!”

And that’s that. Thank God. Next week we are moving back to St. Lucia to see a very tearful final episode between two rival women on the show. Who will Juan Pablo chose? Clare? Nikki? No one?! What happens! I can’t wait! See you there my lovelies! Juan Pablo drinking game rules up on Monday for the premiere and recap up on Wednesday! Tell me all about your viewing parties and how you’re celebrating too! BESOS.

Tuxedo Time - The Best Looking Men dressed in their Sunday Best

Ok, so maybe on Henley Monday I promised a Tuxedo Tuesday. And maybe yesterday there was a blizzard and I also go distracted and forgot to make the post. Maybe that's all true. But HERE. NOW. I bring you a plethora of photos from Hollywood's Biggest Night.

I bring you...Men In Tuxedos at the Oscars!

First, let's walk down the red carpet....

If you look closely, you can see Mr. Tveit's striped socks. I love a man who has a bit of whimsy when it comes to his dress socks.

Next up is Aaron "Enjolras" Tveit's Les Mis buddy Eddie Redmayne rocking the hell out of his velvet slippers.

Chris Pine went for the double breasted jacket. I die. I just die. He's not alone in his refusal to shave either. Many, many actors declined to rid themselves of facial hair for the black tie event.

This picture of Joseph Gordon Levitt shows the detail on his tux. The fabric has a bit of texture to it, as well as the piping details. I can't tell if the piping is silk or leather. I really want it to be leather.

Bradley Cooper brought his mom! He brought his adorable and precocious mom! She has on a pink ostrich feather stole AND tennis shoes! Brad's three-piece Tom Ford also rule and even though his hair is yucky he looks fine.

My personal fave Chris Evans brought his proud momma along too! She looks radiant. Chris, I love a good bow tie, but I get that's not quite your style.

Then the show started and more men tromped out on stage including this fine selection of male specimen from the Avengers. Samuel L. Jackson gets major points for going with that garnet velvet. Love it.

A whole bunch of awards were given out and the biggest one of the night went to Ben Affleck for Argo! He dressed the part of a best picture winner with a one button, silk lapel jacket, vest, and silk bow-tie! DAMN, AFFLECK, YOUR FACE IS AGING AS WELL AS YOUR CAREER!

Basically I was looking at my TV like this all night long: