Me, Thinking: *don't Say It, Don't Say It, Istg If You Say It-*

what is harm reduction in simple, everyday terms? (because i like applying social justice approaches to my daily life for authenticity)

harm reduction is "here are some ways you can do *insert something with drawbacks/something that could be harmful/something that might cause health issues* safely" instead of "don't do this"; harm reduction "come to me, don't do it alone" instead of "stop doing this"; harm reduction is "you know yourself best, if you're doing something with full information, then it must mean something to you, so instead of judging you, I'll trust you and support you" instead of "if you know it's problematic/unhealthy just stop doing it"; harm reduction is "I'll meet you where you're at" instead of "you should be here instead/I'll bring you here/you should work on yourself and change where you are"; harm reduction is "you don't have to stop doing or start doing *insert above mentioned particular thing* to deserve unconditional acceptance and positive regard/help when you need it etc" instead of "you need to change *insert thing* to be worthy of aid".

this can be applicable for drug and alcohol use, sexual/reproductive health, eating disorders, self harm, and so on. harm reduction is a principle, a social justice approach, and an evidence based practice.

The worst thing about BPD is not being able to express or share what you're feeling to someone else because what you're feeling seem to be traits of a toxic person, when you know you don't act it out, but you still can't share em because of demonised certain feelings and emotions are.

Like, sometimes when I idolize someone I feel reallyyy reaaaaalllyyyyy jealous if someone else is close to them, and I feel sick when I get hints that someone else shares the same kinda relationship I do with them and I feel like going to the other person's phone and checking if they actually do share the same bond I and the idolized person do, and it's like a nagging sickening feelings because I feel really super bad, but I can't tell this to my friend because they'd immediately drop me (or so I fear) or judge me to be a bad person ://

Ace/aro books coming out this year that I’m looking forward to!

Is Love the Answer by Uta Isaki - stand-alone manga about a college girl who discovers she is aroace. The same mangaka also did ‘Mine-kun is Asexual’ a couple of years ago which I liked, though it was much shorter, so I’m happy to see a full length release from them. This came out just last week, so I’m super excited to read it when it gets here!

I want to be a wall (Vol.2) by Honami Shirono - manga series - releasing 17th Jan. I already posted about how much I enjoyed Vol 1 of this series, but for recap it’s about an aroace woman and her lavender marriage to a gay man who is unrequitedly in love with his best friend. I’m really excited to see how their non-conventional relationship plays out :) it’s very slice of life and cozy!

I am Ace by Cody Daigle-Orians aka Ace Dad Advice - releasing 21 Feb 2023. I’m glad to see a book about a sexuality actually written for an ace audience, because I feel like a lot of aspec books/articles are aimed at raising awareness with allos. I’m excited to see how this one goes!

Sounds Fake But Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else - by Kayla Kaszyca and Sarah Costello - releasing 21 Feb 2023. I’ve listened to their podcast a bit over the years and I’m curious to see what they come up with in this book!

If you want to see a fuller list of all the ace and aro books coming out this year, check out this list HERE!

a nightly routine? oh, wait! I have one those! It's called, 'having a mental breakdown until I finally pass out'.

remember when we were younger and thought that calling people crazy/insane/mad and asking them if they've taken their meds that day and saying that they had a mental disorder/were mentally unstable and that there was something wrong with them was considered cool/fun/hilarious? bleck, the absolute horror-- can't imagine doing that shit rn. and can't imagine being friends with people who do that shit rn.

my social dysphoria acts up every time my cousin (9 years old) talks to me about bras, boobs and the such because it sounds like "girl talk" and it makes me feel sick, and I wish I were a boy sometimes (I'm NOT trans, I'm an agender girl, I say this because I don't want her to feel this comfortable having girl talks with me) so that she wouldn't be so open. sometimes to irritate me/annoy me, she describes how she imagines me with a saree and mailaanji and long hair and pottu and ornaments and stuff and I feel like crying and puking at the same time because I hate it I hate it I hate it, I'm not a girl I'm not a girl I'm not a girl stop stop atop

I feel this heavy nauseating feeling in my chest, throat and tummy when I hear anything akin to that, it's so revolting and I think I'm out of words to describe how fucking horrible I feel when she does stuff like this. It's not funny, gosg, it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY STO STOP STIO

And eventhough I tell her ewww and to stop saying stuff like that, she doesn't take me seriously, she's like, it's not realll, I'm just imagining it. and everyone wants me to dress decently because I'm a girl and I shouldn't be showing so much skin, revealing my body parts and other bullshit like that. AND ALL THIS IS TRIGGERRING MY SOCIAL DYSPHORIA AND FUCK EVERYTHING

I don't want to have "girl" talks with my cousins, I don't mind answering their questions - I'm one of the only people who give proper answers, so she asks me - but I don't like how it seems as a "bonding" moment, because it's not, it's not, it's not. There's nothing to bond over, I'm not like her, I'm not a girl and I hate this so fucking much. I hate when I'm considered a part of "women", and that when I grow up I may become a "wife" (I'm talking about the terms my family uses), and it sickens me. I feel disgusted and I hate it.

But I love my body. I don't gender my body, it doesn't have a gender, it's just my body, with it's parts. I don't want to be considered a girl - the identity of a girl - just because I have boobs and a vagina. I am agender. Call me a girl, but don't consider me one. Demigirl makes more sense, but I don't want to considered a girl even if it's in half. I'm agender, but the only "feminine" label I can tolerate is 'girl', maybe because it refers to young kids? and it alludes to not having an openly sexed, "female" body, but 'women' alludes to being a mature female, and it rubs me the wrong way - I don't know if this'll make sense to someone else, but it makes sense to me and I wish that's all that matters. And that is all that matters. But I want others to consider me agender too. URGH.

I feel like something's missing - inside. Like, I don't want to go back home, well, I'm not having any mental breakdowns of wanting to go back home, and I don't mind staying here, but there's this feeling of something missing, a lack of something, a hollow feeling, something inside. It's weird and it's not sitting right with me and I don't know what to say or do and I feel so urghhh, kind of restless inside but not like actively restless, and I don't even knowwww

There's so much that's changed, so many changes and it's making me feel so weird and I keep repeating weird because my emotions have been repressed, I can't feel anything and I'm kind of scared because I know that I ought to feel bad and have breakdowns but I'm not, I'm passively going through all this - things that I know should make me have an episode aren't affecting me at all in the sense that nothing's getting past the no feeling vaala wall and I don't even know what to do about it. I know it's not healthy and yeah maybe I'll regret this when I do finally have a breakdown but rn I'm blank and I can cognitively think what I ought to feel but I can't feel things properly and it's dangerous and fuck

my bpd is acting up with my fucking kitten and I'm so fucking done with it.

I found a baby kitten Yada Yada, took care of it, gave it love and affection, my grandma gave it food then I had to leave to my dad's house and the kitty grew closer to her and now she's closer with her than with me and I'm unconsciously distancing myself from my fucking kitten as a self defense mechanism cause she doesn't need me anymore and she loves other people more and wonderful

Me : *watching something in peace*

My grandpa : ayyy, what's this ridiculous thing you're watching, change it and watch something else - there are so many good movies blah blah blah

Me : *thinks back to when he was watching a movie where a few misogynistic assholes were talking about a girl as if she was sex object, slut shaming her and literally texting her asking if the b in her name stood for blow job*

Me : I don't know why but I have a feeling your version of "good" and my version of "good" are quite different,,,,,,

I don't like this belief/practice where when one person does something they're uncomfortable with or sacrifice something, it's seen as an act of love or loyalty or whatever to the other - similarly, when person #2 expects person #1 to do the same to "prove" / "show" their love for them; and not sacrificing something or not putting themselves in a difficult/uncomfortable situation is portrayed as not loving the other person enough - "you love me right, so why won't you do this for me" is emotional manipulation and T O X I C. You don't have to make yourself uncomfortable, you do not have to sacrifice something that makes you happy, you do not have to do any of this to prove your love to your loved one. I don't understand from when or where or how people started romanticizing the idea of sacrifice. From wives sacrificing their hobbies and their occupation for their husband or family and expecting all girls to do the same for their husband/boyfriend (cishet relationships in this context) to expecting close friends to attend parties to give you company eventhough they've made it perfectly clear that they're uncomfortable with doing so, this entire concept is normalised to the point that now it's considered not-true love, not strong enough love when others don't sacrifice/don't get out of their comfort zones/don't do things that makes them feel uncomfortable for others.