I'm Going Over To My Best Friend's House For A Sleepover Tommo And I Am Filled With So Much Anxiety Because

TW : PEDOPHILIA, INCEST, BEASTIALITY, NECROPHILIA (SEX) EROTICA/FANFICTION

wellll, you know how a lot of people read and write erotica about all that, including beastiality, necrophilia etc even when they know and say that it's obviously wrong in real life? Like, how come people read and write such things even when -

1. They agree it's wrong

2. They wouldn't do it nor would they like someone to do it to them

3. Wouldn't watch it

Not talking about survivors in this case, as in, not talking about it as a form of catharsis or something in this case.

And not just that. Like, there are asexual people who read and write and enjoy erotica. Ace people who're sexual acts repulsed in real life.

So this is basically a bigger vaala question - if people wouldn't do it in real life, what makes them enjoy it? I don't know if I'm phrasing it correctly, but yeah.

And how do people feel aroused while reading things like necrophilia erotica when it'll disgust them in real life?

So many questions.

And like, there are fanfiction where one person is a literal child and the other an adult and the author obviously puts a warning, but people read and enjoy that - so many people.

Is it something about the taboo factor that excites them?

And my friend said people who go search for child involving erotica/fanfiction must have mild pedophilic tendencies, so I asked - "But shouldn't that mean that people who go search for and purposely read beastiality, incest (one of the most common) and other taboo vaala erotica have mild those tendencies too? And asexual people who read erotica must have mild those tendencies too? 🤔

It's so confusing and I have so many questions. I'm not looking for a moral judgement, I'm looking for the psychology behind it btw.

TW : SEXUAL HARASSMENT/R*PE

Can people PLEASEEEE stop saying shit like "it's not sexual harassment if you like it" // "it's not harassment if you're turned on" // "your mouth might be saying no, but your body says yes"?!

It does not sound cool, it does not sound sexy and it is absolutely NOT okay for anyone to say this. For one, you need to ask BEFORE you touch - affirmative consent : yes means yes, not no means no. Two, most people's bodies are wired to like physical/sexual touch, and by 'like', I mean respond to it - that does not mean it's consensual. This is also one of the reasons why people don't consider it r*pe if the survivor has orgasmed, and that's just messed up.

We reallyyy need to learn to stop using phrases and language which perpetuate r*pe culture 🤢

would you still love and respect me if I destroy my body? would you still love and respect me if I didn't get out of bed or move? would you still love and respect me if I did not contribute to society and perform productivity? would you still love and respect me if I harmed myself through alcohol, blades, food and/or drugs? would you still love and respect me if I were unhealthy and didn't do anything about it? would you still love and respect me unconditionally if i were a broken down building on a dark, gloomy street that was once a lovely neighborhood with parks and joy? would you still visit? would you still love and respect me if i didn't take care of myself? why do you love me? would you respect me if the only thing I can do is love?

I've never been obedient, I hate being obedient, but now I am being so to avoid getting scolded or spoken harshly to and I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, or losing myself - I feel sick and wrong inside and terrible, horrible. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be, this is someone else doing something to avoid feeling hurt because they're in a fucking fragile mental space and fucking hell. It's wearing on me and I honestly don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm wasting my life doing

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I'm on a trip with my family and my family friends right now and I'm hiding in the toilet because I feel left out 😬

Please help me feel less pathetic.

But the thing is I'm pretty sure it's all in my head - well, atleast most of it. I feel like my family friends wouldn't care if I hadn't been here, my existence doesn't make a single difference. Cause, like, when I'm in my room or away from them cause I feel left out, they don't seek me out. I have to seek them out. And other stuff, other insecurities, y'know?

And my cousin is here and she's small, and I can't control myself, leave that - my brain is empty and my thoughts don't forewarn what my mouth is about to say and so I say things which are rude to her even though she's super sweet and loves me a lot and I feel like a fucking dick because I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve to be loved. I want to die. (and urgh, before you report it or whatever, I'm not gonna attempt suicide 🙄 this is the only platform I can be as pathetic as I want and remain anonymous and blunt, don't ruin that for me because you have a saviour complex - I don't actually mean that, but tbh I really got annoyed at the post which told people to report posts which mention even a lil bit of own vaala death. Nothing is going to happen except that the post will be taken down. And even if something does, it's going to be fucking messed up cause I'm not going to die of suicide anytime soon. I wouldn't be venting here if I was)

Things to talk to my therapist about :

1. What Achan said sh

2. After movie night - crying episode (what Annu said) sh

3. What Ammi said sh

The depression™

I think more than jealousy, the emotion i feel when my parents tease me when they say they have 4 daughters including my cousins is something close to fear? Because then truly if I were to die , then they would also have others . Other important people. And they wouldn't feel an absence as such .

I'm collecting mental illnesses like people collect Pokémon 🤡

this pride month, let's make an effort to casually mention queer stuff around children instead of censoring it