Hahahahahahaha, Can I Please Delete My Existence 🙃

My maternal grandma and I were talking about large age gaps in relationships and the importance of sex education, especially for women and I was ranting about all this to her.

My mom and my grandma never had proper sex education. So whatever they learned, they had to learn from their older, much more educated husbands. And no matter how much a good person your husband is, in such a situation, there will be some amount of grooming/manipulation involved - consciously or unconsciously. They'll teach their wives things they like, they'll only impart limited knowledge - they can only teach another person things they know, so if they don't know anything about women's pleasure, they won't know how to tell their wives either. And purposely or not, they might only teach their wives things they like - so a woman believes that these are things they *have* to do while having sex, things they *have* to do in a marriage to make their husbands happy and they could live their whole life not knowing what they like/want. It's so easy for husbands to take advantage of their wives. Even if it's in a tiny way, still. And they might not give them proper sex education, sex education from an "objective" perspective. Moreover, if the husband is conservative and believes in sex only for procreation, they won't even try to make their wives feel good and their wives wouldn't know any better!

But this same man may have gone through pronographic magazines or whatever when he was younger, he may already know about male pleasure. He might have already explored his likes and dislikes, but his wife never got that chance, and now she never will.

It's all so fucking messed up.

My grandma agreed with me tho, completely.

yes, I'm sex and kink positive, and yes I believe that the minimum age for people to start having sex must be atleast 16 - and yes, these can exist together.

I can talk about the problematic aspects of hook up culture and want to have casual sex and support casual sex at the same time. the problematic part (or atleast one of-) of hook up is this belief that sex is purely physical, purely mechanical - like, you follow these steps to reach the orgasm and stage and then you're done and you up and leave. But no, that's not what it is. Sex is so much more than that - sex also involves emotional, psychological attachment, and that has nothing to do with gender. When someone tells you to have sex with people, only whom you trust and that sex is so much more than simply, well, "sex", they're not shaming you (unless they actually are, then fuck them), they're telling you the truth. Sex does affect your psyche, that's why this 'humping and dumping' culture where there's no aftercare or no communication is WRONG - that does impact your emotional health negatively.

What I hate, one thing, about wattpad books is that most of the time, writers write about a player who has sex with girls and leaves before they wake up to show lack of romantic attachment, and later on portray those girls as clingy/whiney people who don't understand the concept behind one night stands. There are SO MANY things wrong with that.

1. Sex takes an emotional toll on the so called player too. There's always a backstory, which is why they're using sex as an escape mechanism. But instead of using that backstory to justify that assholeness, try and talk about mental health properly, urgh.

2. Upping and leaving after having sex doesn't show a lack of romantical connection - you don't have to hump and dump in the fear that you'll form a romantic connection. Staying is important because of the emotional attachment formed when you have sex with someone.

3. Emotional attachment after sex doesn't have a gender. And it's harmful to all genders if you perpetuate this bullshit. Girls can be into one night stands and casual sex without being romantically attracted to the person immediately afterwards and boys can feel romantically attracted to the person right after a one night stand. Fuck these stereotypes/tropes.

Having casual sex or one night stands isn't "cool", it's just a thing. It's not a cool thing, it's not a bad thing, it's just a t h i n g, with absolutely no morality attached to it. And so is not having sex - that's also simply a thing. Waiting for a special person to have sex with isn't "lame", isn't bad and not wanting to have sex at all - whatever the reason - is also VALID. Being sex positive means supporting all of this, not just one night stands and being against slut shaming.

WARNING FOR ACEPHOBIA AND AROPHOBIA

People "pitying" partners of asexual people because they believe their "needs" aren't being met are FUCKING TRASH AND SHOULD GO FUCKING PUNCH THEMSELVES IN THE FACE. Sex is not necessary for a relationship to be meaningful and valid. Sex is only an extra, for some people, it's an extra they need and for some people, it's unnecessary. Sex is not a "need" - nothing will happen to you if you don't get sex (I'm not talking about the influence of mental health on sex rn, that's a different topic altogether), except for the fact that you might remain horny most of the time, which is a YOU thing, not an another person thing. If you can't live without sex, that's on you, keep it to yourself, don't go making other people feel bad just because you want sex.

An asexual person and a sexual person can be in a long lasting, happy, meaningful, fulfilling relationship BECAUSE SEX IS NOT NECESSARY FOR A RELATIONSHIP TO BE THAT. A sexual person and another sexual person who doesn't want to have sex ever because of whatever reasons can be in a long lasting, happy, meaningful, fulfilling relationship because again, I reiterate the same.

And this might be an unpopular opinion, but breaking up with someone whom you've been in a long time relationship with, been in love with each other, like properly - just because the other person is asexual or doesn't want sex is fucked up. It. Is. Fucked. Up. It's shitty, it's mean and it's insensitive.

Yes, yes I know how people do say you deserve to be with someone who understands your kinks and lets you explore them and be comfortable in them, and that you deserve sexual gratification in a relationship - and that's valid too, but not at the expense of people who're sex aversive. And these posts don't even talk about asexual people, they need to be more inclusive. Moreover, being kinky and being asexual can exist together cause asexual people can be into kink. Kink is more than sex, it's about the feeling, so all that matters is communication and understanding between people. Sex isn't everything.

Breaking up with someone because you need sex is a personal choice, personal decision to make - but breaking up with them by making them feel bad for not being able to "fulfill your needs" is shitty and messed up.

Demonizing aromantic people who're allosexual by perpetuating microaggressions such as "oh you can have how much ever sex you want without being attached to the person" is arophobic and insensitive. And so is saying stuff like they're being a predator or objectifying people or sexualising people. Sexual attraction isn't a bad thing. How do you suppose are going to learn the importance of consent, and safe, sane and comfortable sex if you can't make a difference between objectification and thinking that someone is sexy? If you can't make a difference between wanting to have sex with someone and being a predator?

There are so many nuances and it's important to acknowledge all of them.

Things to talk to my therapist about :

1. What Achan said sh

2. After movie night - crying episode (what Annu said) sh

3. What Ammi said sh

The depression™

S*icide "joke" / "not joke" -

People : Mental health and mental illness and ND awareness blah blah blah

People : Suicide is not the answer

Also people : How are you going to survive in this world if *lists and complains about various symptoms neurodivergent people/pw mental illnesses have* [hence - suicidal ideation. like??????? the math is so simple?????? which part do you not get?????]

Also people : We can't give you concessions cause we're all going through tough times and it would be unfair, so suck it up

||

If you want ND people and pw mental illnesses to live, then make the world a livable place for us. suicide is not the answer, I absolutely agree. but neither is enforcing norms and standards which are exclusionary and HARMFUL in nature and on top of that not giving concessions or being understanding. you can't have both.

White Man's Burden

Ethnocentrism :

The poem rests on the themes of ethnocentrism and racism. The very reason white people find it okay or even acceptable to conquer and change other cultures is because they believe theirs is the superior culture-- they are the better, more progressive, educated, civilised nation. This cultural superiority complex comes from the unnecessary comparison of the latter to the former on the basis on Eurocentric standards of comparison.

Coloniasm, Imperialism and White Saviour Complex :

Kipling portrays the white man as a philanthropic, selfless rescuer whose duty is to educate and civilise non-white people in order to make their lives better, make them more progressive and save them from their primitive lifestyle. It seems as if white men have internalised the facade they intended to show the world, and themselves believe to be saviors of "savages" and "uncivilized" people.

Patriarchal Masculinity :

Not once does Kipling mention women in his poem. It is considered a man's duty to conquer and save others, responsibilities boys are supposed to fulfill to "become a man" or reach manlihood. But it is important to note that his poem wouldn't automatically become more progressive or better in any way even if he did include women- the fact remains that though the poem is patriarchal, the major issue is white saviour complex and ethnocentrism.

I've never been obedient, I hate being obedient, but now I am being so to avoid getting scolded or spoken harshly to and I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, or losing myself - I feel sick and wrong inside and terrible, horrible. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be, this is someone else doing something to avoid feeling hurt because they're in a fucking fragile mental space and fucking hell. It's wearing on me and I honestly don't know what to do.

I was fourteen when I first read 50 Shades of Grey, or as Catherine Scott puts it — that book. What I appreciate most about it is not the spank-bank material it gave me, but the world it introduced me to; the hole that took me to my own wonderland. As my kink journey - in theory, mind you - progressed, I discovered aspects of myself I don’t think even therapy would’ve helped me access; the way I needed to be loved, the way I needed to be taken care of, the way I needed to feel small to grow, the way I needed to give myself over to reclaim autonomy.

Kink took me to regression, regression to self-awareness, and self-awareness to a yearning I sometimes cannot contain inside my body because of how large and all-consuming it is, how much space it occupies, and how it swallows me whole, especially on my worse days.

The question “how could non-sexual kink possibly be therapeutic?” has many, many answers; it is the hope I get when I imagine how I would no longer have to be responsible for myself; the relief I feel, knowing that someone wants the best for me, and letting them take over my entire being would help keep me alive; the knowledge that even though I am capable of taking care of myself, it is too much of a burden, too much of a leach sucking my battery, and so I choose to give it away, pass it over.

Someone who would squeeze my thigh, and tap it twice to indicate I need to lower my voice in public spaces, instead of an explicit “reduce your volume”, inadvertently triggering my rejection sensitivity dysphoria; someone who would wrap me up in a blanket and make me tea, cuddling me, crushing my body, until I come back from an episode; someone to make sure I can do the things I want to do, that inhibition due to my executive dysfunction wouldn’t make me a completely useless person; someone whose idea of what is best for me is my idea of what’s best for me; someone who would take care of me, when it hurts too much to take care of myself; someone I trust enough to kneel in front of because I feel shame choking me when I imagine myself submitting to anyone else; someone who chooses to stay; someone I can be a child with without fear of annoyance or judgement; someone I can be awkward with, weird with, loud with; someone whose rationality never hinders or limits their emotionality; someone to give me a healthy alternative to the unsafe pain my coping mechanism provides; someone to provide the sensation of hurt without causing me harm; someone whom I feel safe with even while constrained, blindfolded, all senses switched off; someone to gently squeeze my neck when my thoughts are too loud; someone to take over conversations when I face a sudden bout of energy loss; someone whose energy is dominating, all-encompassing; someone who would be my advocate, my shield, and sword; someone gentle, someone soft, someone who would never let me give up on myself.

Regression ≠ kink, for myself.

-kpm ©

Trying so hard to be a person who accepts other people's (difference in) pov without feeling ehem, but don't think it's for me 😳🥺😖

But like always, Imma fake it till I make it or else I'll have no friends hahahahaha

I feel so POWERLESS. I feel so fucking powerless. I'm not in control of ANYTHING in my life, absolutely NOTHING. I have a goddamn fucking bed time, a wake up time, I'm told what I should wear and what I shouldn't, everyone has unnecessary opinions on every tiny little thing I do. I've to go where they tell me to, stay where they tell me to, talk when I'm asked to, lower my voice when ordered to. People make me feel bad for asking for things, well, they had for a long time. And now whenever I ask for even the tiniest little favor, I feel like a burden to people, an inconvenience. I've been told stuff like - when I stay at my grandparents' place for a long time, I'm adding on to their stress, they have to make food which I like, do stuff while keeping me in mind and that just inconveniences them.

I basically have no control over anything and on top of that I feel like I'm a baggage to people and I feel like breaking away, I feel so overwhelming emotions because I feel like nothing I say, none of my choices matter - that my voice doesn't matter. But I can't talk to them about this, if I do it's ALWAYS going to be "it's for your own good" // "if you don't want us to tell you things, then fine, you don't care about us, you'll understand when we're no longer here and you have no one to tell you" // "if you were more responsible and knew how to take care of yourself we wouldn't have to do this".

AND THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT! THE POINT IS THAT I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T DO THE TINIEST THING WITHOUT ASKING FOR PERMISSION, I FEEL LIKE I'M A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE TO PEOPLE IF I ASK SOMETHING OF/FROM THEM, I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST FOLLOWING PEOPLE IN LIFE AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ON MY OWN and now it's so fucking difficult to change things and I feel so empty and de-motivated inside, I don't feel like putting energy into anything. I can't do anything on my own without an external push. And this "just be determined and you can do anything" is FUCKING BULLSHIT, THAT'S WHAT IT IS! I CAN'T BE DETERMINED BECAUSE MY BRAIN ISN'T WIRED TO BE. YOU THINK I HAVEN'T TRIED? YOU THINK I STOP DOING THINGS I LOVE, THAT I LOSE INTEREST IN THINGS I LOVE OR I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT BECAUSE I WANT TO?! I HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL OVER ANY OF THIS! I don't know why I'm this way, but I genuinely, legitimately cannot.

And now, I just want to rebel and disobey people, but there's always this guilt that drowns me and I hate it but I want to go against people, I want to be a bad child so I wouldn't feel so bad about myself, I want to lie without choking, I want to all this without my fucked up head thinking thoughts of death and disappointment and killing myself and running away and guilt, so much guilt and cowardice.

I feel so suffocated, so, so bad.