I'm So Ass At Measuring Distance That If I Woke Up In A Saw Trap And The Only Requirement Was To "run

WHY ARE CALLING PEOPLE OUT😭

You know your hyperfixations are bad when you have dreams of you ranting about it to people

phineas and ferb episode that is rated pg13 so they are allowed one f-bomb. candace keeps trying to find the perfect situation to use it but every time she tries she gets interrupted or drowned out by a comically loud horn. meanwhile doofenshmirtz has made the censor-inator because now that they're pg13 he's convinced that vanessa doesnt know any swear words (she knows all of them) and that she'll explode if she hears someone say "shit" so he wants to make the entire tri-state area child-friendly. he flies it over danville in his official blimp and a one-off joke is that his laser hits a rated r movie that's a clear parody of the human centipede or someshit and it turns into a barney-the-dinosaur-ass psa. at the last second perry destroys the inator and knocks it out of the blimp and it fires off one more laser that censors out phineas and ferb's invention before mom can get home. candace tries to finally drop her one-allowed cuss but her voice has given out. perry comes back and makes a little platypus noise (all of those have been swear words the whole time but because nobody speaks platypus nobody notices) and then part of doof's machine crashes into the house (candace is in charge) and ferb says "what the fuck"

Why is it so gooooood wgdhdkE?!

Thinking about Soft!Lucifer comforting you while he takes your virginity. 

You’re so nervous, especially since your first time is going to be a demon. You trust Lucifer completely, and yet you can’t help but tremble beneath him. He prepared you so well, so thoroughly but gently, a show of how much he cared for you. 

“You’re alright, little one,” He cooed down at you, “I’ll be gentle with you. I promise.” 

His words made you feel warm inside, helped you calm down a bit and relax into the mattress. You tried to get comfortable as he lifted your legs, snuggling into the warm blankets and tucking a large pillow behind your head. 

The stretch of Lucifer first entering you was the hardest part. It didn’t burn the way you were worried it would—possibly due to a bit of magic work on Lucifer’s end—but it was still strenuous. 

He paused once he had fully sheathed himself inside of you, stroking your face gently and looking into your teary eyes as he praised you.

“Oh my little human, you’ve done so well. I know, it’s big, I’m sorry sweetheart.” 

“Don’t cry, sweet baby, you’re doing just fine. You took it so well.”

“I’m going to make you feel amazing, love, so good you’ll forget everything else.” 

And he makes more than good on his promise. 

He’ll start slow and gentle just as he said, only picking up the pace when and if you ask him to, but when he has your little virgin hole clenching around him so tightly it’s hard to control himself.

He’s getting closer and closer to his climax, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold back. 

“L-Lucifer—! Please, please slow down!” You whimper, gripping onto him like your life depends on it. 

“I can’t, sweetheart—“ He admits, “I can’t…not when you feel so amazing—“ 

All you can do until he cums is hold onto him, and he’ll gladly hold you if you’d like. 

“It’s alright, my darling, I’ll hold you…I’ll always be here to hold you…” 

The cute noises you make when you get close to cumming tug at his heart strings a bit. They’re so pathetic and needy, a clear sign that you’re overwhelmed, but you’re both so close. The way your back arches with one last call of his name as you orgasm is enough to have him releasing inside of you right after, and your moans don’t quiet completely until his thrusts have finally slowed to a stop and he’s collapsed on top of you. 

“Oh baby,” He whispers as he pulls you in close, cock still nestled deep inside of you. “That was a lot for you, wasn’t it? Oh, but you took it so, so well. I’m so proud of you.”

You’re tired, exhausted even. It’s plain on your face, in the way your eyelids flutter and struggle to stay open. 

“Go on, my love,” Lucifer mutters against your skin as he plants a kiss on your forehead, “Off to sleep with you. I’ll be here to take care of you when you wake up.” 

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(◡‿◡✿)

(ʘ‿ʘ✿) “what you say ‘bout me”

(ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿ “hold my flower”

AU where Bella’s gift is not so much a shield as it is an Uno reverse card

Edward can read everyone’s mind but Bella’s as in canon, but now she can read Edward’s mind

Alice’s visions are blank where she’s concerned (like the werewolves in canon), but Bella can see visions of the future involving Alice, or has visions when she’s around Alice. Jasper’s gift is already kinda 2-way so he can still sense/manipulate her emotions, but she can do it back to him. She can hurt Jane, zap Kate, etc etc

Bella would have the weirdest fucking first day of school anyone has ever had, ever. There’s a voice in her head saying “yeah okay I guess she’s pretty but kind of plain and— wait why can’t I hear her” and then Biology is just. The worst hour of her life. but being Bella she’s just sitting there like

…while Edward plans the death of her and all her classmates right next to her