On This Gloomy Wednesday I Am Yet Again Reminded Of Bellamy's Low Self Esteem And How Much He Hated Himself

on this gloomy wednesday I am yet again reminded of bellamy's low self esteem and how much he hated himself :/ all I ever wanted from the show was for someone to show him the love and dedication he showed everyone but himself. I really wish the show had done that but lol I was delusional

I agree, he had a really bad self-esteem. He had like a non-existant self-esttem. 

I think the only person who ever showed him that he matters and that he is a person outside of his sister and that his actions, all related to his sister, are justified even when sometimes not the best, was Clarke. 

But outside of that he always felt like an instrument and an addition to someone else-first to his sister when his mother forced him into a fatherhood mode and he gave all his life, as a parent, to her and to assure her well-being and then when that extended to the hundred and he opened up his heart for not just one person but for a hundred more and wanted always, to do, what is best for them.

But where was he in it all? 

I always like how season 4 explores a lot of the main’s character’s psychological states. (that’s why I also think it’s an amazing season even though people shitted on it so much)

You can see how all of them, not just Jasper who is the most pronounced of course, are very depressed yet it is showed in different ways and stems for different reasons for them all.

Clarke believes that she is destined to die after everything that happened with L/xa. She feels guilt yes, but also L instilled that idea in her head that as a leader she has no other choice or any other path but to die. And that this is okay. I think I hate that the most out of this whole ordeal-not the relationship or how fast it happened or what it was but this-that seed that she put in her that yep, that’s it you die because you lead them and that’s perfectly fine. You do impossible choices for them, try your best but at some point in battle or whatever your luck will run out and you’ll die. She believed that a lot because of the way she was raised as a grounder but I hate that she made Clarke believe it too. 

And when Abby has the permenition as well that she saw her die, Clarke is sure that this is what’s about to happen and she doesn’t try to fight it-it is why she uses the nightblood on herself believing it’s her destiny to do this for her people and then fade away, it is why she talks to Bellamy about the head and the heart (which I also think is another burden that she hands on him much like in 2x16 “Take care of them for me”  and then “You need to use this too”)

How fucked up it is that people just hand him stuff, sometimes literally, sometimes metaphorically and make him deal with it and he just does it, right?

His mom handing him his sister, making him name her like a father, telling him it’s his repsonsibility.

Clarke handing over the remain of the 100 in 2x16.

Then Clarke handing over the future of their friends in 4x13.

Anyway that aside, that is the way Clarke feels and why she wants to die.

Then there’s Bellamy who’s so desperate after everything that happened in season 3, the guilt he feels over the massacre and beliving and following Pike, Lincoln dying that he just logically takes himself out of the equasion when they discuss the plans for salvation. 

Don’t forget how he tells Raven in 4x03 “I won’t be starving because I won’t be inside” when they discuss him failing to bring the water generator and saving the lives of the slaves (which he’s also punished for by the narrative) and also in 4x07 when the black rain hits and he goes outside, without a care of a thought for himself to try and save who? Again a boy from the original hundred and his father.

What a great parallel it is then, when Kane as a fatherly figure is worried about him going there and begs him not to risk his life, then talks him out of going outside in the rain and killing himself and that father and son who Bellamy fails to help, right?

Doesn’t it break your heart when he removes himself out of the equasion with such ease? 

Like he doesn’t matter at all for anyone in this world? Like his death is so natural and so logical as a leaf falling off from a tree and letting the earth swallow itself in the autumn winter (radiation) rain?

Doesn’t it break your heart? 

And that is not even the first time this happens. Let’s remember season 1 episode 10 I believe when they watch the Ark fall apart and Clarke asks him about the shooting stars and he says, and to this day this may be the saddest Bellamy line there is-

I wouldn’t even know what to wish for.

He has no thoughts, no desires for himself. Why? Because he’s can’t see himself as someone with thoughts and minds for himself, with a life OF his own, as a person who can live FOR himself. 

Anyway, my point being-he also didn’t want to survive, he too was despressed. Another interesitng moment in season 4 is when Kane and him are caught in the Azgeda cells and he says-No matter what we do we always end up at the same place, in the brink of war, meaning he doesn’t see a way out of the situation in the same way that Jasper doesn’t. Jasper by the way follows the same philosophy- we always do this, end up at war, kill people but nobody considers Bellamy depressed then right? Or Clarke or-

That brings me to the next person who is O.ctavia.

O/ctavia’s also depressed in season 4 but she deals with it differently-she doesn’t give up like her brother, she’s more closer in Clarke in the aspect that as a warrior (while Clarke as a leader) believes that in one last fight she’s destined to die and that’s okay because she also lost the person that she loves (like Clarke lost L, she lost Lincoln) and none of it matters anymore. 

She too like her brother tries to end her life by going out in the black rain (another great parallel) but is stopped not by family (of sorts, like Kane stops Bell) but by Ilian (and while their relationship is not a healthy one I guess we can call it love?) so by “love” (none of O’s love interests are healthy if anyone’s asking me but that’s a much different thing).