I Have A Lot Of Thoughts About The Framing Of Classic Fantasy Stories That Are Actual Specific Published

Gotta love fics where people just move into the shire and become honorary hobbits. Thorin? Let him reshire. Maglor? Shire. Fuckin Feanor? Put him in the shire. Now I want to see it with Morgoth and Sauron. Depower them and stick them in the shire and watch them become the old married couple of very tall eccentric hobbits

Which of the named maiar are most huggable to the least huggable? Please, include sister Ilmare too. She CAN potentially hug, it is just that her hugs will be diffrent!

A simple quandary on the surface, but more confounding upon inspection!

I note that the question is who is “most huggable”, and not “who gives the best hugs”, or “who would I most like to hug”. BUT you’ve also stated that Imarë’s capacity to initiate a hug makes her eligible for consideration, so I will expand the definition of “huggable” to include “able to hug” as well as “able to receive hugs”. This will affect ranking as well as hug quality.  

1) Olorin.  Here’s my reasoning: He is already in physical form, he is mostly amiable to other living creatures, he is a man of great empathy and insight and would probably know when and why you needed a hug the most, he wears big robes which seem cuddly, he probably smells nice, like sweet tobacco smoke and wool. It’d be like a really good grandpa hug. 10/10, accessible, unambiguously platonic, pleasantly survivable. It might not be the hug you want, but it’s the hug you need. 

2) Uinen. Have you ever hugged someone in the ocean? While you’re both floating, and your body temperature has adjusted to the water so you’re almost not able to perceive that it’s water anymore, and you’re both just weightless and adrift with the hush of waves and gulls the only sound around you, and the sun is setting and sparking off the droplets on her skin, her arms and breasts soft as pillows, buoying you gently up upon the surface of the vast, rocking sea, her hair rolling like a kelp forest with the current, and you are safe, safe and loved and in the embrace of eternity itself and it is so beautiful you no longer remember your own name, or that your skin was ever dry or your body ever cumbersome and grounded, and all that matters is the pink sky and gentle smile and the crook of her neck and shoulder that your head cradles against so perfectly. This hug affects you on a spiritual level, but you do get salt water up your nose and your fingers are pruny.  9.999~/10.   Leaving the hug forces you to return to a disappointing and squelchy reality with sand in your shoes. 

3) Sauron. It doesn’t matter how tall you are or how much you weigh, you will be swept up in this hug; it doesn’t hurt you but it is a powerful hug, you are at no point able to forget that if he wanted he could squeeze you into a cup of grapejuice. He smells like warm leather and some kind of exotic beard oil that probably costs a lot of money and a little bit of sweat but not in a bad way. There’s serious muscles behind this hug but also just enough padding that its like “oh shit this dude lives deliciously”; there’s a lot of well-groomed body hair and perilous intentions. This hug is an acquired taste, but absolutely the finest vintage. Will almost certainly lead to bad decisions. The author’s bias has been noted. 9/10. 

4) Huan. Gets top marks for being huggable, despite not being able to hug back in the traditional sense. Loses half a mark for knocking you over and licking your whole face even though you asked him not to several times, but it’s still cute. 8.5/10, a good boy, you’re a good boy yes you are. 

5) Tillion aka “Tillybun”. Hard to catch! Gets squirmy if you try and pick him up and cuddle him, but is more amendable to hugs if you come down to his level. Even more amenable if there are treats. Cannot hug back, but is VERY soft, and has tickly whiskers, and that’s wonderful. 8/10  Difficult to obtain, but worth the effort. 

6) Melian. This is a, hmmm, regal hug. It’s good! But a little reserved? It always feels a bit like a photo-op? But she’s wearing these really long silk sleeves and has little jingly ornaments that sound really pretty and she smells like cedar wood and amber and lotuses, so the whole procedure is an Experience. 7/10 Could use some more emotional availability, but the catering is exquisite. 

7) Ossë. Aside from the potential drowning risk, it’s really awkward and forced, like you can tell he’s not really into it and doesn’t understand the appeal. Also, unlike Uinen he’s kind of taut and sharp and spiny and slippery? Smells STRONGLY of iodine. MIGHT be poisonous. COULD forget you can’t breathe underwater. Aside from those concerns though, he’s got big Shape of Water energy and it’s kinda hot if you’re into that. 6/10. 

8) Eonwë. The likelihood of obtaining a hug from this uptight piece of work is slim to none, but if you ever do get one, it will be with your face smooshed into hard, unforgiving plate armor, jabbed by pointy metal flanges, for exactly 2.5 seconds before you are released with some kind of stern appraisal, like “good work citizen” or “so it pleases heaven”. You will not know what is happening and it will be cold and scary but afterwards you’ll feel strangely elated? You did it champ, you won approval from Constable Tightass. You hate it, but a part of you loves it, don’t you bootlicker? Yeah you love being praised by authority you thirsty regime doormat. 4/10 

9) Curunir. This hug lasts too long. You notice that he is uncomfortably bony and smells like wetwipes. He keeps saying embarrassing platitudes the whole time that make it seem like he’s doing you a big favor for gracing you with attention, and it comes with a little pat on the head! This is the most patronizing thing you have ever endured. You need to take a long shower. He seems pleased with himself. 2/10

10) Arien, Gothmog, Durin’s Bane, Ilmarë: Too spicy to hug. And look, it’s not their fault their hugs aren’t survivable! Other folks who are Ainur might find their hugs very rewarding and pleasant! But for the rest of us, a hug from them means being incinerated, or freezing asphyxiation in space. Simply. too. spicy. 0/10 

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my beautiful infant son Untitled Document

I read this little fact in my King Island book and i don't see it come up in any other source and it really makes some other aspects of the culture make sense so i wanted to share:

In Inupiaq cultural tradition, men would fast when they hunted. They would get up at dawn, test the weather by standing barefoot near the entrance of the house, and if hunting was an option, they'd have a little water and no food before heading out. A man wouldn't eat anything that day until he got home in the evening

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Every family gathering and you're with your favorite cousins.

Also,

the Dads. ❤

{older bro only irritated by the spilled drink.}

the mortal LaCE loophole

Anyway fun little factoids for fanfiction writers who want to be maliciously canon compliant with LaCE are that: 1. an elf without descent from Earendil and Elwing does not have the Choice, and does not necessarily die when their mortal partner does out of grief; case to point; Mithrellas, who just left one day 2. the rule post-statute is that no elf may have more than one spouse in this world at the same time 3. even if you go by the very strictest of LaCE interpretations (it’s not a cultural document but literally biologically true, sex = marriage even if no vows to Eru/Valar are made) … this still allows for what I refer to as the Mortal Loophole 4. because mortals do not stay within the circles of the world after death 5. congratulations! your elves can practice serial monogamy with mortals and be entirely canon compliant 6. literally, this is not against any of the laws. infinite mortal spouses. 7. this can either be a horror scenario (pre-existing inequalities in the first age between elves and humans + disposable spouses? hm…) OR just an excuse for 100% canon compliant slutty elves I guess. Just with mortals. 8. No, elves don’t only marry for true love guaranteed to kill them in the event of death – as noted, again, both by LaCE and demonstrated by Mithrellas’ actual behaviour. Luthien was an exception adn should not have been counted. 9. Then why did Aegnor leave? As stated in Athrabeth; he’s Noldorin royalty and has some wacky idea about No Romance During War* (*in part because to Tolkien as a Catholic marriage = children, and children during war = big no no to Noldor for reasons that do make sense) and also he was afraid of seeing Andreth age, elves are capable of living more in memory etc. 10. Anyway not every elf is highly principled Noldorin royalty. 11. Unfortunately the outcome of elf/mortal pairings = default mortal child unless you’re a descendant of Earendil. Somewhat traumatic for an elvish parent 12. But as Eol demonstrates shitty elvish parents exist, and also having a child is a conscious act for them anyway. So they could just. Not.

ICYMI: fragments of Kidnap Fam fix-it by Jirt

Here Damrod and Díriel ravaged Sirion, and were slain. Maidros and Maglor were there, but they were sick at heart. This was the third kinslaying. The folk of Sirion were taken into the people of Maidros, such as yet remained; and Elrond was taken to nurture by Maglor. (HoME 5, The Later Annals of Beleriand)

The Third and Last Kinslaying. The Havens of Sirion destroyed and Elros and Elrond sons of Earendel taken captive, but are fostered with care by Maidros (HoME 11, The Tale of Years)

Yet not all the Eldalië were willing to forsake the Hither Lands where they had long suffered and long dwelt; and some lingered many an age in the West and North, and especially in the western isles and in the Land of Leithien. And among these were Maglor, as hath been told; and with him for a while was Elrond Halfelven, who chose, as was granted to him, to be among the Elf-kindred; but Elros his brother chose to abide with Men. (HoME 5, Quenta Silmarillion)

The Valar as a collective (not necessarily each individual, such as Ulmo) seem to find it difficult to empathize with beings of lesser power than they who are tied to time, especially beings who can be killed and aren’t willing to wait around for millennia for the Valar to come up with a solution when things are bad and people are dying right now. Like op said, they aren’t used to being told, “I don’t agree with any of y’all, and I’m going to pursue this goal my own way, whether y’all like it or not.” They’re not used to having more than two sides to a conflict, and throughout the Silmarillion they consistently underestimate the determination of the Children, especially the Noldor and the Numenoreans. 

So, do the Valar know the elves aren’t  just fleshy-Maiar?

(I’m tired so this might be ramble-y but oh well)

So, Pre-elves the Valar only really interact with Maiar, who basically do whatever they want and are kind of just fancy servants. The only times we actually see a Maia rebel- e.g. Mairon- it’s basically just a switch in who they listen too and not a bid for independence.

So has anyone except Melkor actually flat out told the Valar No?

Because if not that sort of explains how they have no idea how to deal with the elves.

Specifically the Noldor.

Because the Noldor, even though they are favoured by Aule, strive to create independently and without oversight from the Valar, and it’s with them the Valar screw up the most. Literally most of the problems in the first age would have been less catastrophic if the Valar had just let them leave. No first kinslaying because Olwe could just let the borrow the boats, no Helcaraxe, someone could have slapped Feanor upside the head before he got himself killed ect. But instead the Valar just…thought they’d be listened to when they told them to not go after the guy who murdered their dearly beloved king and stay put in Valinor forever, even when it’s implied Namo already knew Finwe is dead and should probably have told his son as soon as he found out but didn’t and the Valar immediately mourned the loss of the Silmarils rather than the elf who died in a place they promised would be safe.

And not knowing how elves work would kind of explain why they thought Feanor would be okay with Finwe remarrying. No Maiar had ever been unhappy with their decisions, so why would an elf be different?

It also explains the…weirder aspects of LaCE. Because some of LaCE reads like it was invented purely for population control (see sex as an act purely to create children), and that would make sense if it was put down by a race that just didn’t do sex as the ainur are implied to be. And everyone is expected to follow it and be happy, because no-one had ever told the Valar they weren’t.

Any way, idk. I’m probably reading too much into this, and this probably wasn’t articulated very well.

Tl:dr- The Valar got too used to dealing with people that do everything they tell them too and elves don’t like being told what to do Thank You Very Much

SO

‘Fin(-dë, -ë)’ means hair in Quenya right? And I’ve often thought that was a little silly, like Tolkien straight up named the most important family in the Silm after ‘Hairy Guy’, and the names just got weirder when translated out after that. Why did the man do this? He knew what ‘Fin’ meant, it wasn’t an accident, and he was so meticulous and purposeful in his naming.

I always assumed it had something to do with the Elves and their hair thing, BUT- I was going through some old Latin textbooks and guess what vocab word I’d forgotten?

‘Caesaries’, which means ‘hair’. As in the likely root for the family name ‘Caesar’, of Julius, Augustus, etc. fame. As in ‘Caesar’, the word historically translated and used to mean ‘king’ all across Eurasia for thousands of years.

Tolkien named the House of Finwë after the House of Caesar.