I Am Hungry. I’m Also Awake. Since Apparently I Can Only Sleep For Around 5 Hours And Then I Must Be

Okay this is just a neat lil vent post. So the rest is just me rambling about random things.

Okay I’ve warned you and you’re still reading for some reason so uh hi. My brain’s just been a little too loud for me recently. Ah I guess I can talk about my blog lore. The reason I created this was when I was going through an existential crisis and just needed an outlet. And rambling about shows helped. So now when my mind is too loud I tuck into this tiny corner and wrap myself up in happiness. It’s sorta comforting. I’ve never been good at writing in a journal but for some reason just typing like this helps. Puts my mind at ease and lets me rant about my interests. It’s calming.

Been listening to the song alive by rose on loop for the past few days cause I need the stimulation and no other noise was working. On a side note I only found the song a few days ago as well. It’s nice. Kinda reminds me of the Christian music I heard as a kid. Side note: I grew up Christian, now though I don’t really believe but still view it as part of me. Even if I can’t believe old habits and mindsets remain. it's a comfort i miss but not one i find myself regaining. not yet anyway

on another note i get sick when im stressed. or overthinking. or both. stress now makes me physically ill so ive been trying to find ways to stop that from happening. the way it makes me ill is typically me vomiting. so now im trying out meditation. it seems to help a bit but maybe i should do it more to decreass my stress sooner then letting it build up. i guess i just need to get more used to it. calming myself. not tensing as much.

ah im compiling a list of dramas i watch with detective in the name. i love my detective dramas so i find it fun. now, not all of these i have watched yet but they match so: (^w^) hehe~ anyway: zombie detective, vampire detective, ghost detective, insect detective. so many with similar titles and i love them. my roommate is a detective is also in the list but i want to do the most similar titles first and then extend it. ah i love zombie detective so much. and vampire detective has a beautiful team who protect each other to hell and back and i am here for it. man i need to finish that show.

ah im feeling better so i shall get going for now. Have a wonderful day/night!

My rambles about My Golden Blood episode 1.

Im sorry but you can’t get me to believe that he never so much as scraped his knee as a kid or got a paper cut. Dude. Ain’t no way.

I don’t think the way they went about trying to keep him safe would work. Especially not on a kid.

Oh ok then. I guess if there are healing abilities then that could help but you still can’t tell me he never got a paper cut. Paper can be so evil.

Ah yes, the door wide open is magically closed when Nakan comes upstairs.

I fucking love it man. So so much. If it seems like I’m criticizing, I’m not. I just highly enjoy teasing people and I just think it’s fun to think about stuff. Especially world building, but like very brief world building I do not go that deeply just whatever brings me joy in the moment.

Aaaaaaaahhh I can’t wait into the next episode. Love vampires.

But also, what show did I watch where one of the main characters had the same medical condition that Tong was told he had? Ah that’s it. I remember now. Legends of Tomorrow. That’s how I know it.

Apologies for bothering but I just realized I have two more shows to offer up. Though idk if you’d like them. It’s The Good Bad Mother and Move to Heaven. They’re both kdramas and really good in my opinion. The first is about a mother who ends up having to take care of her son after he was in a car crash. The second is about trauma cleaners. Both have really good found family vibes.

I promise you are not bothering me at all, especially not with things like this!

I’m adding these both to my watchlist right now.

Guess who’s sick and feels like shit!

Lift. A movie I watched on Netflix. It’s about a team of con artists planning a heist. I enjoyed it, fairly true to the heist movie/show themes. I should really finish the next season of leverage. The new one, I already watched the old one. Love that show.

Plus and Minus. Appears to be a cute romance story so far. Highschool friends to lovers I think. Still on episode one so I shall see.

Mr. Queen. Seems really fun. Same actor from zombie detective is in this one. Though it’s mainly his voice that’s there. I love how expressive the characters are and how well the actors bring out their characters personalities. They all feel so natural and fun.

History 3: trapped. Love this show. A mafia member and police detective have a long standing rivalry as they try to figure out the murder of a parental figure. As they clash and fight these other two lovely side characters have such fun. Honestly, just a nice fun show. (Still has police and mafia stuff though so there is violence, etc.)

History 5: love in the future. So far it seems interesting and fun. I’ve only watched a couple episodes and am currently unable to watch the rest so I’m not sure if it has a happy ending.

Blue Period. I read the manga, haven’t fully watched the show yet. I love the manga and from what I’ve seen of the show I think it’s gonna be good. A Highschool boy floating through life gets introduced to the world of art. What will he discover there?

Yuri on Ice. I finally finished this show. Love it. Beautiful animation and powerful emotions shine throughout it. A sports anime about ice skating. Yuri, a skater who recently took a break from skating due to a crushing defeat, returns to the rink. A famous skater makes an entrance, claiming to be Yuri’s new coach. Oh what will happen now?

Insect detective. So far so interesting. I don’t totally vibe with the romance in this show but otherwise I think it’s pretty good. The way they discuss insects and investigate crimes is quite interesting. While some bugs make me squeamish so it can be difficult to watch if bugs bother you. There is violence and it is a detective show so crimes and unalives happen in it. The characters all have fun connections, especially the insect guy and police crew.

The silent criminal. I’ve only seen clips from this show but it seems fun. The main trio seems to have a highly amusing dynamic. A man disguised himself as a soldier (? Not exactly that but I can’t remember the name of it right now) to uncover the corrupted mess of the current government. Or, a fake guard, a cowardly detective (not really cowardly but I couldn’t think of a better word), and a bandit walk into a tavern. And something happens… imma assume chaos and honestly it just looks really interesting.

Anti fraud league. I have no idea what this one’s about. I’ve seen clips but otherwise not a clue. The main characters seem interesting and fun.

The mysterious class. A class of Highschool boys discover that one of them is in fact, not real. There’s a ghost among the students, but who could it be? I liked this one. Made me cry.

Ah there was this one super cute Chinese drama I watched a while ago. I can’t remember its name though so I shall describe it in hope someone may know what it was. So this guy travels back in time but then the thing that sent him back breaks. So he’s stuck. He gets taken in by this woman’s family and so he helps them out against the rival lands. He was super charismatic and upbeat. An inventor from the future gets sent back in time only to get stuck. The last thing I remember was the he had built one of the planes like the weight brothers made to help escape over a chasm? I’m not sure. If anyone knows what this is please let me know. Have a wonderful day/night!

Ah Between Us is so good! But I keep having flashbacks of Until We Meet Again and I am just crying inside. Ah I loved that show. I’m so giddy right now so imma just leave this little blurb here. There’s more shows for me to watch and ramble about so until we meet again, have a good day! 💕

Are you ever too busy monologuing a story in your head that you realize you didn’t actually pay attention to the scene that just played out in the show? You just kinda go off on a side story or tangent with the characters and then are just like, ah damn what’d I miss?

Haven’t been able to fall asleep and the amount of work I need to get done feels too much right now. Feels like I’m probably gonna fail, which makes me feel like shit. But even if I do fail

I could always retake the course. I just don’t want to disappoint people. So what happened was I was taking three courses this semester and prioritized one over the other two causing me to fall behind in both. Now it’s finals week and ima till so fucking behind. So I don’t know if I’ll pass them. And I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t. I’ve almost caught up in one of them but still. Feels like I should just cut my losses and focus on which one I’m more likely to pass. But I want to try. And by trying to do both I might just shoot myself in the foot doing this.

But what if I succeed? What if I fail? If I succeed I’d most likely get a c, if I’m lucky a b. If I fail I could retake the course. Don’t know if I’d still qualify for financial assistance though if I fail these two. I mean I’m not on a scholarship so it’s not that big of a deal I suppose but still. You know I never planned to go to college. Like when I was in school it was expected of me. But school really fucked me up. Had to get As all the time that I’d breakdown over get a b or just a fucking 90%. It wouldn’t matter which assignment, or how many points it was. I would stress over everything. Then I failed a few classes (there were extenuating circumstances that added to this), but it was so freeing. I redid the courses over summer and just felt so alive. The world didn’t implode and I was still alive. It had a lot less impact than I expected. I mean I was still pressured to get good grades but it didn’t hurt as much. Now though getting an A doesn’t feel like an achievement or something that I accomplished, it still just feels like an expectation. So it still hurts when I fail to meet it. And so I decided after graduating that there was no way in hell id go to college. But then I took a single course and honestly enjoyed it. It does help that I qualified for some financial things that cover me for a few years (which really was the deciding factor, it only lasts a set amount of years for me so if I don’t take courses now the money assistance would expire so gotta use it while I can). But old mindsets keep creeping back in. Lack of faith in myself, what could very well be executive dysfunction, mental health issues, just piled up again this semester. Keep thinking I overcame it that I’m doing better and it all comes crashing back. It’s hard. And I don’t know how to tell people that. I just accept my actions as they are and continue on. And I fucked up a lot this semester. But I also did try. There’s also the fact that I get sick when I stress out now. Started happening junior year of high school. On the very last day of school I puked due to stress. Ended up not going cause I couldn’t tell if I was sick or not. Since then whenever I stress out or overthink I puke. I’ve gotten better at managing it but I also have started to get nauseous when anxious so I need to do something. I’ve been meaning to meditate consistently but it’s the consistent part I’m having trouble with. Though I do think it would help. So I guess I’m just worried. And I still have all the work I need to do. I know I’m gonna try but if I fail anyway it’s gonna hurt so much. But I’ll be prepared for next time. No matter the outcome I’ll be prepared for next time. Okay, yeah. I’ll be okay. Sorry just needed to vent. Needed a moment to breathe.

Sometimes I’ll get feedback on a piece of work but the way it’s said feels like a diss. So eventually I take it as a challenge. Either a by heeding the advice or challenging it completely. Too childish? Too simple? Does that make it wrong? How does that affect the piece? Does it invalidate the piece? Can it add to the message? Essentially fuck you professor I’ll find a way to make it work and simultaneously piss you off.

I happen to like my professors it’s just sometimes I wonder why something is deemed wrong and want to find a workaround. I know they don’t mean it to be rude but anger is a motivation and I will find a way to make this work. Too simple? I’ll remake the piece but does simplicity make the original work bad? Or is it not realistic enough for this specific assignment? Just somethings I think about.

Content warning - kind of a vent. Just mind stuff. Eh I can’t think of a warning, other than what I’ve already written. Brain fog. Well that and sickness.

Working on a project and hating what it’s current progress and look every second I’m working on it but when I walk away and stop for a while I find I actually kinda like it. But then I go back to working on it and every fiber of my being is screaming at me that I’m somehow making it so so much worse and every touch is a mistake, but then I pause look back and go nice that actually looks good. But then it’s still not done so I gotta work on it more.. and I just get a bit tired with my brain. Like pls, let me work on peace.