Maybe It’s Mystique Shapshifting Again

Credit to ArtSpear Entertainment

Friend: “How’s that book coming along?”

Me: “Which one?”

Friend: “You already finished one?!”

Me and my seventeen half-finished prologues of various novels and thirty other abandoned books with absolutely no endings: “Well, you see...”

Step 3: Repeat

Hypotheses

Kids these days don’t know how easy they have it with their internet and cellular phones and the absence of regular tiger attacks

My family is the weirdest combination of rich white people and crazy-ass redneck

Like,

Our fridge has a designated beer drawer filled exclusively with cans of Bud light, but our silverware is organized by use, with the soup spoons separate from the regular spoons, the dinner forks separated from the desert forks, and the butter knives separated from the cheese knives, and each is used as such

Our welcome mat says “trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again” and then you walk into the house and immediately see an ornate china cabinet filled with polished silver china, directly to the left of which you will see a machete hanging from a rope on the wall

Upstairs you will find a TV sitting on top of a broken TV, using it as a stand, and if you walk farther down the hallway you will come across a full liquor bar, filled with respectable alcoholic beverages such as cognac, surrounded by pictures of women in the traditional “skimpy German Bar Wench” outfits, then directly opposite this is a random weight bench and various scattered exercise equipment on the floor, because there was space for it I guess

I think I just gained a new personal hero

i love girls but they’re out of my league … like every single girl… all of them.. out of my league

I don’t care if this was supposed to read “Healthy Burgers,” this says “Heal Thy Burgers” and nothing can convince me otherwise