Hearthstone Being Sassy Ft. An Oblivious Thor (The Sword Of Summer)

Hearthstone Being Sassy Ft. an Oblivious Thor (The Sword of Summer)

Page 362

“You’ll have to excuse me. I’ve been on three thousand five hundred and six consecutive deployments to the eastern front, keeping the giants at bay. I get a little jumpy sometimes.” 

Hearthstone signed, And gassy.

Thor belched. “What did the elf say? I do not speak Gesticulation.” 

“Um, he was wondering how you keep current on television,” I said, “seeing as you’re out in the field so much.” 

Thor laughed. “I have to do something to keep myself sane!”

Hearthstone signed: How’s that working out for you?

“The elf agrees!” 

Page 363

“Uh, no, sir,” I said. “We didn’t break any bones. Just theoretically, what would happen if we did?” 

“The goats would be resurrected with that damage,” he said. “Which would take a long time to heal and be very annoying. Then I’d either have to kill you or make you my slave forever.” 

Hearthstone signed, This god is a freak.

“You’re right, Mr. Elf,” Thor said. “It is a fair and just punishment!”

Page 364

“You know what they say.” Jack sounded smug. “The bigger they are, the easier it is to fly up their nasal cavity.”

“True,” Thor said. “But I thought you were lost. How did you come to be with these strange folk?”

He calls us strange? Hearthstone signed.

Pages 364-365

“You want me to tell you where the island is,” He deduced.

“That would be great,” I said.

“But I can’t,” Thor muttered to himself. “I can’t be sending random mortals on wolf-watching tours. Too dangerous. But Ragnarok. Not ready. No. Not unless–” He froze, then turned toward us with an eager gleam in his eyes. “Perhaps that’s why you’re here.”

I do not like this, Hearthstone signed.

Thor nodded. “The elf agrees! You have come to assist me!”

Page 366

“Geirrod’s,” Thor corrected. “And, yes. He’s a likely suspect. Even if he doesn’t have it, he might know who does. Besides, without my hammer I can’t watch my shows. I’m a season behind on Sherlock and it’s killing me! I was ready to go to Geirrod’s fortress myself, but I’m very glad you volunteered to go for me!”

We did? Hearthstone asked.

“That’s the spirit, Mr. Elf! I’m glad you are ready to die for my cause!”

Really not, Hearth signed.

Part 2

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My god, this year left me exhausted.

It’s 1:30 am, the Eurovision Grand Final just ended and I am starting to write this post now, because I need some time to calm myself before going to bed. And maybe putting down some thoughts about this year will help me find some peace - at least for a couple hours.

This year has not been what was supposed to be, starting from the show and ending with the winner.

But let’s start from the beginning.

______________________________

Ukraine: robbed of their own show

We all know Ukraine couldn’t host Eurovision in their country because of the war, so they asked the UK to do that.

And the UK tried to be a good host. They reminded us of the reason why Ukraine couldn’t do it, they tried to call Ukrainian artists and make the show about them… only to systematically forget it two minutes later and start acting as if they won and this was their show.

I hope now you understand why last year I said to not give them power over anything. The UK has a tiny little problem called “massive ego” and if you give them a little crumb, they will immediately scarf the whole cake down.

This year should’ve been 70% Ukraine themed and 30% UK themed. What we had instead was the other way around: the UK gave us a tiny little interval show in the semifinals about Ukraine, then a massive show all about the UK.

The Gran Final has been the icing on this disgusting cake. It started with a bang, featuring all of our favourite Ukrainian artists in the span of five minutes: Tina Karol (I had no idea she was Ukrainian, what a nice surprise!), goddess Verka, my beloved Go_A with The Only Queen That Matters, aka Kateryna Pavlenko. And, of course, our favourite winners: the Kalush Orchestra. Man Carpet is still an icon and I still wonder what the singer sees behind that pink hat, but I don’t care. It’s perfect, it’s great, I want this but 200x more. I want them to steal the show, I want them in all interval acts. But no worries, I’m sure they will definitely appear more during the final. I mean, there’s no way the UK called them just to appear for 20 seconds, right? Right?

Oh sorry, my bad. I forgot this isn’t Ukraine’s show, this is UK’s show. We should definitely have Sam Ryder in the interval act and we should definitely make it all about English songs. I mean, it’s not like there are four of the most beloved Ukrainian artists in Liverpool. Let’s make it all a huge masturbation session of the UK instead.

I apologize if my metaphor offended someone, but this is what I felt while watching the UK celebrating itself. Like… can’t you do this in a private room? Do I really have to watch it? This is just one step below Portugal’s show, which showed a massive ego as well and tortured me for three nights straight, by repeating how cool they were and how nice they were and how I would’ve done a great choice visiting them.

But even if that was torture, at least Portugal was the winner of the previous year, not a host masturbating over the fact they are allowed to host a show they didn’t win.

The only choice I fully approve of in this show is the postcards idea: that was very elegant and respectful and I want to thank the person who thought about it. The cards show Ukraine’s beautiful places, UK’s beautiful places and every country’s beautiful places. It’s all beautiful and it’s a great way to both honor Ukraine and emphasize UK’s hosting role, since it looks almost like the UK acts as a “connection” between Ukraine and every other country.

Unfortunately for us, this is the last proof of elegance we will see for the rest of the show.

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papilonblanche - Papillon Blanc
Papillon Blanc

20 something yo dreamer The birds were singing Under the darkest sky above A sinister melody Flowing beyond our world Follow my instagram too: papilon_blanche

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