“Oh Boy! It Looks Like I’m Going To Make It Through The Entire Night Without A Single Nocturnal Panic

Bags

Last week I stepped into the bedroom and there was a Ziploc bag on the floor. This was more than a little confusing, as they nominally live in the kitchen, on top of our refrigerator.

My best guess was that either my wife or I picked one up, absentmindedly brought it into the room, and left it there.

Fast forward to last night: it is perhaps 3 or 4am; and there is a strange rustling coming from the foot of the bed. I get up to investigate, at which point our youngest cat rockets out of the room... Leaving behind ten Ziploc bags, full of tiny teethmarks.

I love her so much... But she is absolutely, quantifiably, an idiot.

Multiple of the above!

I take my extended-release Adderall and half of my estradiol in the morning. Generally I do this by sheer routine; and it’s very unusual for me to forget.

Addendum 1: it helps that I’m also responsible for giving one of our cats her medication at the same time; so one event acts as a reminder for the other, and vice versa.

Addendum 2: if I do forget, it’s usually because I am under the weather, and my neurological issues are making a temporary appearance - in which case, my Adderall isn’t going to be of a whole lot of assistance anyhow. 🤷🏻‍♀️

During the day, I take omeprazole and an instant-release Adderall. I have alarms set for these; but I’ve also found that if I don’t take them at the exact moment the alarm goes off (or do something to remind myself as soon as I’m able, such as move my phone to the wrong pocket) then I absolutely will forget.

Addendum 3: my spouse will kindly follow up a few minutes after my afternoon medicine alarm goes off, to make sure I’ve taken it.

I take the other half of my estradiol before I go to bed; which again, happens to coincide with medication time for Old Lady Feline.

…

Everyone is different; and what works for one person might not be true for another. What I’ve noticed for myself however is that:

Taking my medications at home isn’t too much of issue, because (a) they are in a place where I can see them all the time (which is a helpful reminder) and (b) I’m not distracted.

Taking my medications at work is a whole other ballgame; partly because they are out of sight, but mainly because there are too many unplanned interruptions that distract from the task and / or apply unwanted time pressure.

(Which has me thinking: I wonder if I could block out time on my work calendar for taking my medications; and more critically, set my availability to “Do Not Disturb”? 🤔)

Alright I'm terrible at waking up to take my meds on time and I'm not sure if it's OCD, ADHD, or just my fatigue. So anyone who has this or a similar problem,

Please reblog for a bigger sample size!

In my experience, there are four approaches:

Take an existing name, and translate it into a unisex or opposite-gendered equivalent. (I went from 'Lawrence' to 'Lauren'.)

Select a different - but otherwise traditional - name. (Often this is as simple as a person seeing or hearing a name and thinking "I like that; I could be a _____".)

Choose a name with symbolic connotations. (I know a devout trans girl that settled on 'Faith'; and another that chose 'Phoenix' for fairly obvious reasons.) This option appears to be particularly popular with non-binary individuals.

Create a new name from whole cloth; running letters together until something unique and lyrical emerges.

Of course, one can combine these approaches in various ways. (One girl I know chose a new first name; and then converted her original first name into a female equivalent, and made that her new middle name.)

As for suggestions? Well, that depends on what direction your child wants to go in. Do they want to retain the spirit of their current name? Then seek out other-gendered versions. Are they looking for something different? You could stroll through a baby name website together. Perhaps a more representational name? Then discuss how they see themselves and how they want others to see them.

Lastly: don't feel pressured to get this right first time. Let your child try different names on; call to them by their new name, and see how they feel. Even if you get all the way down the road to a legal name change, there's generally very little preventing you from changing it something else if needed.

(I mentioned that I went from 'Lawrence' to 'Lauren'; I skipped over the year in between I spent as 'Lawrie'. It's okay to take your time on this!)

So like, if you’re a parent whose child not only trusts you enough to discuss their trans journey egg hatchery with you, but asks for your input on their new name-

Like, that’s a big deal and you’d want to do right by them, right? So how would you go about finding/making suggestions? Aside from avoiding names prevalent in pop culture and/or that can be overtly or incidentally connected to people/things that suck.

Another Test

It came to my attention this afternoon that a colleague had left the office on Friday, feeling unwell; and come Saturday had tested positive for COVID. This individual is someone that works two offices down for mine and is often in close proximity.

This meant, of course, that it would be wise of me to go get tested again. The last time I was tested, it triggered a lengthy flashback.

(As always, I stress: my response to these kinds of medical scenarios is a result of my PTSD, and not an indictment of medicine. Get tested, get vaccinated, protect yourselves and others!)

Anyhow: I wasn't super thrilled about this turn of events, and let my boss know that I was heading out and most likely would not be back for the day. He did very kindly point out that we had some test kits in-office (allegedly; nobody seemed to know where); to which I countered that the last thing my coworkers needed to see was me in tears.

Fast forward: the system for registering an appointment at the test site worked well this time; and apart from a small hiccup (they had moved a mile down the road to a new location), everything was pretty much the same. The technician asked me to sit in the car and came back with a swab and sample vial.

Now, here's where things differed slightly: when my spouse was initially tested (all the way back at the start of the pandemic), the swap took the form of an elongated Q-Tip. Having this pushed all the way to the back of the sinuses was unpleasant; but I understand the discomfort subsided quickly as soon as the test was completed.

When I was tested for the first time, the swap had clearly been updated with comfort in mind: there was a thin, flexible plastic stem with a small, soft, sponge on the tip. It wasn't inserted fully into the sinus, and frankly, there was no pain or discomfort to speak of.

This is what I was expecting to see again; so imagine my unpleasant surprise when the technician withdrew from its sterile wrapping what I can only describe as a fiercely-bristled pipe cleaner.

The technician proceeded to tell me to hold my breath for five seconds, which was also a new and highly discouraging change in procedure.

I warned her that I might be somewhat unresponsive after the test was administered and not to take that personally; and she understood. Then came the part where I tilted my head back, closed my eyes, and felt this monstrosity enter my left nostril. The technician counted to five while sawing this thing back and forth along every side of my sinus cavity.

To be clear: I am no stranger to unpleasant sensations (which I will note shortly). This, however, was absolutely misery-inducing. I broke down crying the moment the technician turned away from me.

Six hours later, and my sinuses still hurt. They itch, constantly; and my nose has been running all evening. I cannot possibly fathom which person thought it was a good idea to take what was already an invasive, annoying test - and make it infinitely worse.

Classic cars

My young friend, currently showing me his new car in Need For Speed:

Him: “Check out my Nissan!”

Me: “That’s a Fairlady Z, right?”

Him: “It’s - yeah, it’s a 240ZG. Damn, you really know your classic cars!”

Me:

I see @foone has switched from reblogging deer girls… to reblogging John Deere girls. 🙂

Imagine the frustration of trying to do maintenance on your robot gf only to find out her wiring diagrams, code, and repair manual are considered confidential and proprietary and only factory certified technicians are allowed or able to work on her. Now imagine working tirelessly to build a wiring diagram, reverse engineer her code, and documenting troubleshooting and maintenance procedures

Yet another night terror

The fever dreams continue; alas, taking a turn for the worse. Last night's dream featured my spouse and I perambulating through a cave filled with snow; I kicked ideally at a pile of snowflakes, only for some kind of hag to burst out from underneath and tackle me into what I knew to be a very, fatally deep pit.

Then came the screaming; and waking, heart racing.

I don't know what's going on right now - I keep ascribing these sorts of negative impacts to work stress and ill health - but the effects feel disproportionate to the stressors. Hopefully either I can get to the bottom of things soon, or else they ease up; because this is exhausting.

Two more tests

For the duration of my tenure with my current employer, there has been an IT Guy. He is older than me, and has twice as much practical experience.

Unfortunately, he is prone to failures of common sense. I know him as someone that chooses his tools based on his own personal level of interest (as opposed to their suitability), and frequently over-complicates each and every task in front of him.

It is not possible for him to be removed from the company; therefore he has instead been moved to a position in which his ability to disrupt IT proceedings has been minimized: that of company compliance officer.

For the most part he has left IT alone, except for occasionally requiring that we demonstrate our systems have various redundancies and backups in place. (This was spurred, in part, to mitigate against the possibility of a production system resource group being inadvertently deleted... after he did just that.)

A few weeks ago I walked into the kitchen to find him wearing a mask (uncharacteristic) and blowing his nose loudly. “Don’t worry!” he said, “It’s not COVID”! (Truly, confidence-inspiring.)

Well, wouldn’t you know it but a few days later both I and a fellow IT employee get hit with The Cold From Hell. So... I had to go get another test done. (Thankfully, no insane pipe-cleaner swab this time.) Fortuitously, it was negative.

All the same, my long weekend was ruined by the misery of illness. I return to the office, and have a talk with my boss about how our compliance officer - the man chiefly responsible for ensuring business continuity (i.e. that everything keeps working in the event of a crisis) - brought a transmissible illness into our work environment during a pandemic.

A week, nearly two goes by; and I suddenly develop a sore throat (welp) as Omicron numbers soar. My spouse - who contracted the cold from me - is likewise experiencing chest symptoms. So off we go, again, to get tested.

The chief reason I keep returning to the same testing location is because they do not require appointments, they are quick, and turnaround on results is usually within the hour. Thus, imagine my surprise when I see that the parking lot is completely filled with cars, and learn that turnaround time is now closer to six hours.

This Omicron business is something else. Part of my would like to write in detail about how we’re (a) right back to square one in terms of required measures to prevent transmission (quarantine; mask mandates; public gathering limits) and how (b) absolutely none of these things are happening.

i will defer for present. I was so convinced this time around that COVID had caught up to us; because I have never experienced before a common cold that caused a sore throat weeks after initial sinus symptoms; and this revelation initiated a twenty hour-long panic attack. I am desperately trying to put such things out of mind at present.

Suffice to say: the tests were negative. I am in many respects glad; but also concerned (for the cold is doing a real number on my lungs, and I worry how that might compound an actual COVID infection). Such is life.

I’m not sure there’s any moral in this story; other than the general sense that we could have handled the pandemic far better, were it not for the widespread lack of common sense that my coworker typifies... And that I am very much fed up of having my bodily integrity violated with sample collection swabs.

Unexpected HRT side-effect #15

My HRT regimen is an emulation, only simulating the real thing. Cis women experience a complex, month-long dance between estrogen and progesterone, swinging from one to the other and back again. I, on the other hand, experience an estrogen peak every two weeks, and a progesterone peak every quarter.

And that's okay! It's gotten the job done.

Sometimes however, my peaks and troughs happen to look just enough like an actual cis cycle to trigger some fascinating side effects.

This one occurred a few weeks ago. My day started as normal; but something seemed off. I got to work, and began to experience stomach cramps. My first thought was that I must have consumed some disagreeable foodstuff; but this was different - the sensations were prickly; and extended all the way into my pelvis.

It wasn't until lunch time, as I was driving my daughter home from summer school, that it came to me: these were menstrual cramps!

My hormone levels had aligned in such a way that my brain was now sending instructions down my existing nerve pathways to forcefully contract a non-existent uterus...

This state of affairs continued for two days; with what I can only describe as various muscle groups from the top of the abdomen all the way down to the thighs randomly and constantly pinging, eliciting a continuous stream of "Ow! Ow!" noises.

Now: is this exactly what cis women experience? I have no idea. Did the lack of uterus effectively cap the amount of discomfort I felt? Or did it cause the nerve signals to be redirected into other adjacent muscles, making their contractions worse? It's so hard to say.

What I do know is this: I already had a healthy respect for the unpleasantness of menstrual cramps as experienced by others; but this situation made for a very personal window into that world that really reinforced my prior understanding!

Addendum: there is a candy dish in my office that is periodically emptied, and refilled; fortuitously, its contents had been refreshed the day this all went down. My very audible "Oh, thank god!" drew laughter from one of the people that worked nearby and knew what I was going through!

Unexpected HRT side-effect #9

I sometimes get asked by people that have to stare intently at my face (usually in some professional capacity):

“Your skin is so good! What’s your secret?”

And I tell them:

“Every two weeks I shoot my thigh full of the cool, sexier estrogen!”

As with a number of other effects, I knew that I could expect softer, better skin. However, I didn’t truly appreciate with any kind of granularity as to what that actually meant.

For one thing: I have no breakouts, no blemishes; I changed literally nothing about my diet or skincare routine, and suddenly my face is completely crystal-clear.

(The one exception to this seems to be immediately after I load up my progesterone; although even here, ‘blemish’ seems kind of a strong word for a series of nearly imperceptible bumps.)

For another: my pores have shrunk! This caused some issues in the first couple of weeks, as it effectively forced some of them to trap their contents; but that went away after a little over a month and it’s been plain, small-pored sailing ever since!

The one downside - and it really isn’t much of one - is this: I am actually allergic to cats (which is probably not a great trait in a cat owner); but have great tolerance providing said cats are not rubbing themselves on my face. Doing so would set off a reaction where my lips would tingle and I would break out in hives.

Since starting HRT, the time in which this reaction occurs has gone from many minutes after the initial contact to practically seconds. It really isn’t much of a problem (and truthfully, I’ll gladly accept hives as a consequence of cat affection); but it’s interesting to see how yet another tiny part of my life has been impacted by the simple expedient of transposing my hormone levels!