For A Friend

Sleeping arrangements: addendum 1

This has obviously been on my mind, but it was only very recently that I was able to connect all the pieces.

I believe that I was subjected to some kind of trauma during my early childhood. I have no memory of these events; but evidently they left some kind of impression on me because I experience flashbacks.

Some factors that trigger these episodes include high levels of general stress; moments of emotionally-charged interpersonal conflict; and nighttime. (Also: certain bedroom activities that are probably best skipped here.)

Well: I have a lot of undischarged stress at present; so come nighttime, things get... flashbacky. Generally what happens is that the spouse and I end up falling asleep like this:

Now, I really want to stress that my spouse is awesome; they always makes sure to communicate that I'm safe, and if I want to be closer that's okay, and if not, that's okay too. There's nothing they’re doing in this scenario that's an issue.

For me though... Well, as the diagram indicates, there is a Zone Of Safety at the corner of the bed and moving outside of it induces anxiety.

When the flashback reaches peak criticality, I'll move off the bed entirely and on to the floor. (It used to be that I would relocate to our walk-in closet, but apparently the space between the bed and the wall is now sufficiently protective per my brain.)

So here's the last piece of the puzzle: when trying to explain this situation to a friend last night, it occurred to me that I had things the wrong way around. The problem is not that I have to be on the floor; the problem is that I can't be in bed with another person.

It's not safe.

...And that brings us full circle. As I stated: I don't know what the nature of the initial trauma was that began things. Based on this latest clue however, the implications are clear... and I can't say I like them.

Signal

Several friends of mine have recently switched to Signal as the messaging app of choice; in significant part due to privacy concerns with other messaging apps (specifically, those owned and operated by Facebook).

Now, I’m not hip to the intricacies of said privacy concerns; however, after using Signal for a bit, I will note the following:

Pressing the enter key does not send your message (unlike, say, WhatsApp). It just adds a line break. As someone that writes particularly long messages, I cannot stress what a game-changer this was for me.

It has the most comprehensive spell check dictionary I have ever seen in any application, ever! I cannot stress how tremendously frustrating it is for me to use a word like ‘tremendous’ in other applications and have it redlined! (Point in question: Signal recognizes ‘redlined’ as a word; Firefox does not.)

So: if, like me, you write ridiculously long messages filled with needlessly prolix vocabulary, perhaps Signal is the app for you.

I have two of note:

There’s an indentation above my right brow; when I was born, the obstetrician had to use forceps - and was a little too forceful in doing so. (Very few people realize this is a scar, however.)

On the left brow, there’s a half-inch long scar from a rejected eyebrow piercing (which I, alas, foolishly failed to address until it was too late).

For the most part, I’ve managed to avoid picking up scars; with the following exceptions:

A small circular scar on my upper arm, from a tuberculosis inoculation.

An identical scar, but from the removal of a mole whose countenance had offended my dermatologist in some capacity.

A constellation of minor scars on the torso, where I was struck by flying glass.

A line running halfway around the base of my index finger (a combination of accidental self-injury, and subsequent surgical repair efforts).

The various scars resulting from gender reassignment surgery (which included a laparoscopic component, so there’s a smattering of satellite scars on my abdomen).

Altogether, I’ve been pretty fortunate in this regard. 🙂

Do you have a facial scar?

Self-fulfilling prophecy

I’ve discussed before that I administer my Estradiol via intramuscular injection; and that sometimes this does not go to plan. This is not the only HRT-related mishap that I have experienced.

The first few months of injections were without issue.

Thereafter, I started to experience increasing amounts of pain with each shot; and in turn, I became more and more reluctant to - you know - actually stick the needle in my leg.

On the fifth go-around, I realized that I was breaking one of the (many) cardinal rules my endocrinology clinic had educated me on: don’t tense up! A tense muscle is a dense muscle; and it takes a lot more effort (and subsequently, discomfort) to push a needle through the tissue. My desire to avoid pain was, ironically, the cause of a great deal of pain!

I learned to relax, and not to hesitate when sticking myself (seriously, it’s like ripping off a Band-Aid - quick and forceful is so much more tolerable than slow and steady)!

I’m not going to pretend that popping the needle in is fun by any stretch; but it’s tolerable. If I have to do this twenty-eight times a year, between now and eternity, to attain True Girl Form... That’s a price I can live with!

Some observations:

"No new sculpts after the fact."

Games Workshop have been transparent about their 10th Edition roadmap; which includes releasing a new codex for each faction, to bring them into line with the new rule set.

Between the rapid pace of release and the focus on mechanical changes, most of the codexes have been accompanied by a modest number of new models at best.

Games Workshop previewed a single new Adeptus Custodes model at the start of March: the Shield-Captain. One hardly requires inside insight to deduce that the Custodes probably won't be getting more models in the immediate near future.

"Social media department jumped the gun and tried to put out fires with the wrong hose."

This is an attempt to discredit Games Workshop's immediate response, via Twitter, that female Custodes are canon (both in the present setting, and retroactively throughout the setting's history).

Discreditation only makes sense if one assumes the following:

First, that there are actual 'fires' (i.e. that this change is impacting Games Workshop's business model in some capacity). There is no evidence that this is the case: the complaints are coming from a small minority of fans; and specifically, far-right fans.

(Games Workshop have previously sought to distance themselves from the latter; ironically, because said association does pose a threat to the business model).

Second, that the company's social media team are either able to announce major lore changes without first consulting with the relevant internal parties, or that they face no consequences for doing so.

(This would appear not to be the case, given that the relevant Tweet remains publicly viewable, and no retraction has been issued.)

"Intent is to push female Custodes character in Amazon show without it 'breaking lore' because Amazon execs wanted a woman in power armor and wouldn't settle for SoB."

There's a lot to unpack here.

The idea that Amazon executives perceive power armor as a majorly marketable concept is ludicrous; as is the idea that they are sufficiently well-versed in lore to accurately differentiate between the Adeptus Custodes and the Sisters Of Battle.

(These are matters of interest for the kind of nerds that comprise the fandom; and not high-level entertainment industry management.)

Let's just assume for a second that this is true, however: then why on earth would said executives try to soft-launch what they believe to be a highly-marketable concept via codex microfiction?

After all: such executives are famously fearless when it comes to meddling with source material; yet we are supposed to believe that they feel it important these changes are reflected in a rules supplement?

And that brings us to...

"...Cavill threatening to walk away from the project."

Henry Cavill famously quit the cast of The Witcher because it diverged too far from the source material. Now he's working on developing Warhammer: 40,000 content for Amazon; not as actor (although he'll undoubtedly feature), but as executive producer.

The aforementioned Amazon executives would be displaying an incredible lack of business acumen in attempting to force source material changes on a star actor and producer who has been quite clear in his refusal to accept such changes.

"GW figures it can ride it out if it stays mum on the subject."

An interesting note here: to 'stay mum' is a British idiom (i.e.: "Remain quiet"). And yet earlier, the same author used the word 'armor' (and not it's equivalent British spelling, 'armour').

This is purely speculatory on my part; but I'm inclined to believe that the author is American. If so, this raises questions about how precisely they acquired inside information from a company headquartered in another country (which is precisely why they are cosplaying as a Brit).

(It has also been my observation thus far that the majority of fans kicking up a fuss over female Custodes are far-right-aligned Americans. British fans are, of course, equally capable of overreaction; but there's been a very specific culture war aspect to the complaints that is very much a hallmark of American conservatism.

This is worth noting for a variety of reasons; but one of the most pertinent is that the American far-right utilizes a "Ends justify the means" approach to debate; i.e. outright fabrication of evidence is entirely permissible.)

Last, but not least:

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Any party treating any part of the original post as fact is either deeply unaware of the lack of credibility inherent to anonymous image boards, or is so entrenched in their position that they are willing to accept and endorse non-credible evidence.

Neither is a good look.

I found the original because I kept seeing this being quoted at random.

To everyone crying because "GW is making fun of us, they think we're stupid😡", yes. Yes you are. Yes you are if you believed this obvious troll.

They even added the "trust me bro, my dad works at Nintendo".

Shuffle Meme - Part 3

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

...And finally, the part of the music library that has yet to be tidied up!

Everything Else

Clash Caravan Palace - Live At Le Trianon On my to-do list: catch a live performance from electroswing trailblazers Caravan Palace. (True story: the band was formed when three traditional instrumentalists / DJs were hired to produce the soundtrack to a black and white pornographic film. How French is that?)

Eustonia CoLD SToRAGE - Android Child Legendary for his Amiga and PlayStation soundtracks; Tim Wright also has an exceptional catalog of personal work (including an album that incorporated the moon - the moon! - as a production effect)!

BROKEN HEART 月野うさぎ Desired Desired is a pioneer of the anime-themed future funk scene, and a major tent-pole in the portfolio of Neon City Records. For a fuller sampling of his work, please enjoy this excellent mix by Real Love Music.

Ebough, Delicious DFast - Out Of The System DFast exists somewhere between funk and big beat; as is typified by this stellar contribution to HBC-00004: Field Trip by ½-bit Cheese.

As You Are Garfunkel And Oates - Music Songs Although better known for their hilarious output, the final song of their first album - dedicated to a mutual friend - is a message we all need to hear.

Eer Amak Et Amor've! Keith303 Arguably one of the greatest .mod music files ever made; through the magic of technological manipulation, Keith bends a sine wave into a more than passable imitation of an electric guitar.

Part One Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells At 17, Oldfield composed the entirety of this album; at 19, recorded almost the entire thing single-handedly using analog technology utterly unsuited for the task. (As an illustration: a BBC performance demonstrates the number of musicians required to achieve this feat live.) From a technical standpoint, this album represents one of the greatest accomplishments in modern music history.

Yuki Satellites Mosaik Mosaik's work features a kind of quiet, contemplative beauty; and this - the theme to the demo Channel 5 Sequence, by Haujobb - is no exception.

Activate One Now Subi The mad maestro of 4-channel .mod music. (I was astonished to learn later in life that we grew up just a mile and a half apart!)

Holly Republica - Republica One of the first albums I ever bought. I strongly suspect that if I had been bestowed the luxury of transitioning in my teens, a great deal of my personal style may have ended up modeled on that of Republica frontwoman Saffron.

Night terror

Last night I had a very strange night terror episode.

Normally I will be dreaming, and things will get progressively more anxiety-inducing - e.g. something will be chasing me, or I’ll be trying to fight off an attacker. Then my brain will conjure up a truly terrifying phenomenon (like shadow people launching themselves at me en masse) and I’ll scream myself awake.

This time though, I dreamt that I was in my bed... And that God (who I don’t actually believe in) was beaming sound into the fan next to the bed, so I would hear it... And that sound was: cat litter being poured.

Then the screaming started!

I really, really don’t know what my brain was thinking last night.

Bioluminescence, by Dee Mac

8 track album

Dee Mac released her new album today. It’s amazing. She’s amazing! What are you waiting for? Go listen to it and shower some love!

Post-meeting meeting

A coworker called me today post-meeting just to complement my choice of floral top. It was highly unexpected, but quite welcome!

(An unfortunate consequence of moving to a remote working environment is that there are very few opportunities for these sorts of small but significant personal interactions. So this made a very pleasant change of pace!)

To my followers

I know that a number of the people following me fall into one of two categories: those that are trans but remain closeted; and those that have an interest in (and please excuse me for any incorrect use of terminology) the femboy and / or sissy lifestyle.

To the people in the first group: I see you! You are valid. If you ever want to talk to someone about how to take those next steps, please don’t hesitate to send me a message.

To the people in the second group: if you’re just following me for your own personal, uh, ‘enjoyment’ - that’s okay! I take no offense. Live your life!

I will say that for a long time, I did something very similar: lurked in the shadows, and lived the trans experience vicariously through the lens of fetishism.

(In fact, the very moment I knew I was trans came when another trans person gave an example of a lie they had told themselves in their past life: “It’s just a fetish”; words I too had previously uttered.)

So if you think maybe you are more in the first group than you initially realized... feel free to reach out to me too. I don’t hold all the answers, but I might just have the questions you need to figure things out.