Good Thing

Thanks to @cronnissar for tagging me in!

Eggs: Poached when in a breakfast sandwich / over Eggs Benedict; white omelette with Swiss cheese if I’m being good; fried¹ if I’m not.

Steak: My sympathies to the well-done folks (a preference frequently born of poverty); but medium-rare is objectively the right way to go.

Milk: For drinking, almond milk (preferentially with honey, over ice). Skimmed milk for everything else².

Alcohol: Oban 14, chilled³.

Warm drink: So, so much coffee. So much. (Although green tea is also good!)

¹ The closest US equivalent would be ‘over hard’; although Americans like to smash the yolks and / or move the eggs off of heat before the edges are crisp.

² I know that full-fat milk is considered superior in taste; but I was raised on skimmed, and reacclimatizing my taste buds is, alas, not a priority.

³ Do not mistake my choice as proof of a sophisticated palate; Oban is in a drinking polycule with Bailey’s and Jose Cuervo.

Unexpected HRT side-effect #6

I’m not really up to speed on Tumblr etiquette yet, but I believe the polite thing to do when dealing with heavy material is to provide a content preface. To that end: this is a kinda heavy. There’s abuse and stuff.

Sooo... PTSD. This is an actual, unexpected side effect of HRT. Let me explain.

I’ve previously touched on the idea that I have a female-structured brain; that certain parts of it require estrogen to function correctly; and that during the pre-HRT portion of my life, these parts operated poorly (or not at all).

A large - and rather nuanced - group of these malfunctions come under the umbrella heading of ‘emotional processing’ (or lack thereof); including the inability to:

Fully feel my emotions,

Understand them,

Connect them to my thoughts,

Communicate them to others;

...And perhaps most importantly, make sense of (and move past) the various negative events that life likes to throw at us.

Once HRT kicked in and supplied the estrogen my brain so desperately craved, all of this changed! I cannot stress what an incredible experience it was to go from zero to full emotional processing capacity virtually overnight.

The next thing I discovered, however - much to my chagrin - was that far from passing through the troughs of life with a stiff upper lip, rather I had simply deferred my response to those events. Now the bill was due.

I relived a lot of grief and anger: at the loss of loved ones; at lines crossed; at years in the wrong body.

One day, I had a disagreement; the matter was settled amicably, but afterwards I felt ill at ease. Without even understanding why, I gathered up my three animal friends and retreated into our walk-in closet; turned out the lights, and just... sobbed. Great, unrelenting torrent of tears. I didn’t understand what was happening; only that I was terrified, and hurting.

After what felt like hours, my wife coaxed me back into the light and to normalcy.

As night approached the following evening, it happened again. And again. And again. Every night, for months on end.

During these episodes, I would experience repetitive, intrusive thoughts for which I had no context. “Please don’t hurt me!”; “Please stop hurting me!”; “Let me go!”; “Why did he hurt me?”

In retrospect, what I have been able to piece together is as follows:

These events were flashbacks. They relate to a trauma that I have no memory of; perhaps because it happened very early on in my life. Based on the intrusive thoughts - and other indicators, such as an intense phobia of forcible restraint and what I believe may have been unconscious efforts on my part to relive the original acts - I believe the trauma was sexual in nature.

HRT kick-started my brain; and the first item on the agenda was - completely unbeknownst to me - processing this forgotten trauma.

For the curious - I’m much better now; my wife and I are no strangers to PTSD symptoms and well-versed when it comes to handling them. Still; I cannot say that when I undertook that first estradiol shot, that I ever imagined it would unearth this particular landmine in my psyche.

Tests

Every six months I have my hormone levels tested. I take a lab order from my endocrinology office, pop into a local clinic, have blood drawn, and see my endocrinologist a week later to review the results.

It was during today’s review that we discovered the lab had missed a test. It was okay - my provider was still able to make sense of the results.

However, I did give the clinic a call to find out what happened. I really, really like them - they are very pleasant to deal with, there’s no waiting, and their pricing is very reasonable.

However, this is the third time something like this has happened; so I gave them a call to figure out what the problem was and what I could do to avoid it in future.

Her: “Hi, this is [the laboratory]. How can I help you today?” Me: “Hi, this is Lauren. I think I might be missing a test result?” Her: “Well let’s see if we can find it for you, Ms. Lauren.”

I already like this person - calling me ‘miss’ instantly melts my heart!

Her: “Can I have your date of birth?” Me: “Sure, it’s- oh god, I just remembered I’m forty again.” Her: *Laughter* Her: “That’s okay! Welcome to the club.”

Seriously, this is one of the best personal interactions I’ve had all day!

Her: “So what test do you think you’re missing, Ms. Lauren?” Me: “Uh... testosterone.” Her: “Oh. Oh!” Me: “Yeah... Probably the last one you would have guessed!” Her: *More laughter*

It took some digging through their records, but this wonderful person helped me figure out that my lab order did indeed have a testosterone reading on it, and that this was overlooked. (Most likely because the lab order is a piece of paper that the blood draw technician is required to read and then re-enter into a terminal; there’s much lost between finger and screen!)

Going forward, I’ll be keeping a much closer eye on which tests were ordered and what was actually entered into the system - hopefully that way nothing else gets missed!

Signs I was obviously trans and I’m a f***ing idiot for not realizing it sooner #1

This is something I beat myself up a lot about: I knew, at age twelve, that I was different. At twenty-two, I was actively trying to bust out of the gender box. For a variety of reasons however, I kept it sealed for another fifteen years; an act for which I am deeply remorseful.

Hopefully I can diffuse my regrets - if even only a little - by noting, tongue-in-cheek, all the obvious signposts that I blew past on my way to the city of Obviously Not-Cisville.

To that end:

Somewhere around 2008-ish, I spent a lot of time in a particularly dark corner of the Internet; a site that has been aptly described as the “Mos Eisley Cantina of the online world”. A place that, paradoxically, was filled with the most socially malfeasant individuals, yet accepted all.

There was a board that had originally been dedicated to the subject of cross-dressing; but for obvious reasons was now home to a thriving transgender community. Equally understandably, a major topic of conversation was achieving certain transition goals - e.g. modifying one’s physical appearance - without professional medical guidance.

(Bluntly - DIY’ing hormones. I’m no going to judge anyone that goes this route; although there are legitimate safety concerns to be aware of.)

Anyhow, this is all a long-winded way of explaining why, when sorting through some backup files recently, I stumbled across three guides I had presciently saved from those days. In order: “Cute Boy Aesthetics; “How To Achieve ‘Trap-Mode’ Aesthetics”; and “How To Girl”.

But me? Pshhh! Totally not trans! 🙄

Gardasil

During my last check-up, I got my first shot of the Gardasil HPV vaccine. The administering nurse did mention at the time that it would sting; and I say that she lied, it is only in the sense that the sensation was closer to what I would describe as a tremendously uncomfortable burning.

(I've accidentally achieved a similar effect when injecting my estradiol, by giving the alcohol I swab my skin with insufficient time to evaporate before inserting the needle.)

I did some research afterwards to see if there was an explanation as to why the vaccine had developed this reputation; the manufacturer indicated that the discomfort was the result of "Virus-like particles" in the vaccine content (which strikes me as a cop-out if ever there was one).

Today was my second shot; and playing a hunch, asked my nurse to try injecting the vaccine slowly. This was hardly a scientific test, but she kindly agreed and the injection experience was definitely more tolerable.

I am most certainly not medically trained; but I was instructed by my endocrinologist's office to administer my own estradiol and progesterone shots as slowly as possible. (My takeaway was that injecting a sizeable amount of fluid into a muscle at high speed causes unnecessary trauma to the surrounding tissue.)

Conversely, I've noticed that vaccine administration is usually done extremely quickly - I assume in part because the amount of fluid injected is much smaller; and also to minimize the length of the procedure. (You really don't want the patient to get restless and move while the needle is still inserted...)

It appears the Gardasil vaccine might utilize a larger amount of fluid; and a thicker medium, also. These things being true, I can see how rapidly injecting the stuff could be a lot more unpleasant versus most other vaccines.

So: if you're getting the shot for yourself, or for your loved ones - maybe ask the administrator to go slowly?

Dress-up

An interesting aspect of the trans experience is looking back on one’s former life, and inspecting certain signs, behaviors, interests and activities through the lens of hindsight.

In this particular instance: for many years I have enjoyed video games in which one can control the appearance of the various player characters. I have spent considerable time armoring my rogues, outfitting my Sims, and coordinating the ring attire of virtual pro-wrestlers.

It occurred to me recently that I was in some respects engaging in a kind of ersatz dress-up. Much like actual dress-up, I also now find the skills that I developed being applied in my day-to-day fashion choices: pairing tops and bottoms, socks and shoes, and so on.

I can’t even begin to untangle what aspects of a person's behavior are based on their biology and others, their social identity; but it’s fascinating, digging up these examples where - even while boxed in by the gender expectations of that time and place - I was seeking, and finding, ways to escape that jail.

Nails

On a scale of one to chipped, my nails are currently at “I’m Prying Open Pistachios With Them And I Don’t Care”.

After many attempts, I was able to record myself playing the piano. I had only been playing for about three months at this point.

For the curious - the audio was transmitted from the 1/4" headphone jack of my Yamaha P-71 to a Behringer U-Phoria UM2 audio interface, which in turn transmitted the signal to my laptop. Video was from a Logitech c920 webcam, suspended by a hilariously rudimentary wooden dowel armature.

(Alas, the webcam was primarily designed for video chat; hence the constant auto-focusing. Purportedly there is a Logitech utility for disabling this feature.)

I've mentioned before my newfound propensity for stage fright. Apparently this carries over into video recordings; despite the lack of audience and my complete control over the recording environment! The human brain is a strange and silly thing; regardless, it took about eight hours of attempts before I finally got an acceptable take...

Back in the day, in the pre-HRT times, I found it tremendously difficult to connect with my own emotions. One of the few ways I could do so (at least, partially) was with the accompaniment of appropriate music.

For me, Any Other Name was a quiet, contemplative piece by which I could access the piercing sadness, the constant hurt, that punctuated so much of my early life. I have at times dubbed it a 'suicide song'; although this is perhaps a misstatement: it was by listening to these gentle notes, that I was able to release that pressure and stave off a dark fate.

I no longer require the service of this incredible musical work; but I will not forget it in a hurry, or the tremendous aid it rendered me.

Some observations:

"No new sculpts after the fact."

Games Workshop have been transparent about their 10th Edition roadmap; which includes releasing a new codex for each faction, to bring them into line with the new rule set.

Between the rapid pace of release and the focus on mechanical changes, most of the codexes have been accompanied by a modest number of new models at best.

Games Workshop previewed a single new Adeptus Custodes model at the start of March: the Shield-Captain. One hardly requires inside insight to deduce that the Custodes probably won't be getting more models in the immediate near future.

"Social media department jumped the gun and tried to put out fires with the wrong hose."

This is an attempt to discredit Games Workshop's immediate response, via Twitter, that female Custodes are canon (both in the present setting, and retroactively throughout the setting's history).

Discreditation only makes sense if one assumes the following:

First, that there are actual 'fires' (i.e. that this change is impacting Games Workshop's business model in some capacity). There is no evidence that this is the case: the complaints are coming from a small minority of fans; and specifically, far-right fans.

(Games Workshop have previously sought to distance themselves from the latter; ironically, because said association does pose a threat to the business model).

Second, that the company's social media team are either able to announce major lore changes without first consulting with the relevant internal parties, or that they face no consequences for doing so.

(This would appear not to be the case, given that the relevant Tweet remains publicly viewable, and no retraction has been issued.)

"Intent is to push female Custodes character in Amazon show without it 'breaking lore' because Amazon execs wanted a woman in power armor and wouldn't settle for SoB."

There's a lot to unpack here.

The idea that Amazon executives perceive power armor as a majorly marketable concept is ludicrous; as is the idea that they are sufficiently well-versed in lore to accurately differentiate between the Adeptus Custodes and the Sisters Of Battle.

(These are matters of interest for the kind of nerds that comprise the fandom; and not high-level entertainment industry management.)

Let's just assume for a second that this is true, however: then why on earth would said executives try to soft-launch what they believe to be a highly-marketable concept via codex microfiction?

After all: such executives are famously fearless when it comes to meddling with source material; yet we are supposed to believe that they feel it important these changes are reflected in a rules supplement?

And that brings us to...

"...Cavill threatening to walk away from the project."

Henry Cavill famously quit the cast of The Witcher because it diverged too far from the source material. Now he's working on developing Warhammer: 40,000 content for Amazon; not as actor (although he'll undoubtedly feature), but as executive producer.

The aforementioned Amazon executives would be displaying an incredible lack of business acumen in attempting to force source material changes on a star actor and producer who has been quite clear in his refusal to accept such changes.

"GW figures it can ride it out if it stays mum on the subject."

An interesting note here: to 'stay mum' is a British idiom (i.e.: "Remain quiet"). And yet earlier, the same author used the word 'armor' (and not it's equivalent British spelling, 'armour').

This is purely speculatory on my part; but I'm inclined to believe that the author is American. If so, this raises questions about how precisely they acquired inside information from a company headquartered in another country (which is precisely why they are cosplaying as a Brit).

(It has also been my observation thus far that the majority of fans kicking up a fuss over female Custodes are far-right-aligned Americans. British fans are, of course, equally capable of overreaction; but there's been a very specific culture war aspect to the complaints that is very much a hallmark of American conservatism.

This is worth noting for a variety of reasons; but one of the most pertinent is that the American far-right utilizes a "Ends justify the means" approach to debate; i.e. outright fabrication of evidence is entirely permissible.)

Last, but not least:

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Any party treating any part of the original post as fact is either deeply unaware of the lack of credibility inherent to anonymous image boards, or is so entrenched in their position that they are willing to accept and endorse non-credible evidence.

Neither is a good look.

I found the original because I kept seeing this being quoted at random.

To everyone crying because "GW is making fun of us, they think we're stupid😡", yes. Yes you are. Yes you are if you believed this obvious troll.

They even added the "trust me bro, my dad works at Nintendo".

There have been a number of particularly insightful additions to this chain. Courtesy of crazy-pages:

...Relative to the dollar value of labor, video games are cheaper than they've ever been. It's just that the inequality distribution of wealth has changed so much, and cost of living along with it, that the cost of games relative to people's discretionary income after necessities has skyrocketed.

...And robotsandfrippary:

That's where your $60 goes. To the corporation and CEOs, not the devs... It's killing games, and none of us know what to do about it because we're busy scrambling to find work and feed our families.

...And nerdlingwrites:

Approximately 9,000 people in the industry were laid off in 2023, and so far this year there's an estimated 8,000... I think we've gone past crash, and now the entire industry is imploding.

The pandemic was (I know, I know; Apollo's gift of prophecy) a once in a lifetime event; and for all of the disruption, devastation, and deaths it caused, some industries - such as those offering entertainment at a time of mass quarantine - made out extremely well.

Unfortunately, America's particular brand of short-term, shareholder-centric capitalism demands that the Lines Goes Ever Upwards (even when the explanation for a much-needed correction is as simple and easily-digested as "We experienced an unexpected windfall due to one-time exterior circumstances").

This is why the price of games goes up, even as consumer purchasing power goes down; why massive layoffs are occurring across multiple industries (even as companies report record profits against a background of sustained economic growth).

The entire system is sick, and growing sicker; and until such a time as we stop treating share price as an objective measure of value, it will grow sicker still.

As for what this means for the video game industry at present? Hard to say; although this wouldn't be the first time the medium has nosedived due to mismanagement on the part of major players.

Historically, the industry has bounced back from prior crashes (and often with new captains at the helm). I imagine however that this will bring little solace both to the developers that have lost their jobs, and the consumers that can no longer afford to engage in this pastime.

Unironically I think we might run into another video game crash like back in the day