December 22, 2014

December 22, 2014

I need you more then you could believe. I haven't had a panic attack in months and in the midst of writing this, I am having one. And it is worse then it's ever been. You were the only person who knew how to help me calm down from them, and you won't even talk to me because of your new girlfriend. I still don't get the dilemma. You told me that there was no way that you'd come back to me, then why not talk to me... unless there is a way you'd come back and you're purposely avoiding me? Are you avoiding me and not speaking to me because you will miss me? Maybe that's a good thing. Can't you see how happy you were when we were together? Apparently not because you're too shoved up your new girlfriend's ass to realize it. Watch when I'm all set on my own and in the Navy and you're still stuck in the same rut you always used to complain about, you'll think to yourself "wow, I was happy and she did get her life together like I wanted. Maybe, we were meant to be together." You know when that time comes, I may not be around anymore. I may be stationed somewhere far away and you'll have to sit and think about how stupid your choice was. See, it's not about how happy you make the person, or the amount of money you spend on someone. It's the love you share with that person. I know that deep down, you still love me, and maybe that's the reason you keep avoiding me like you are. There will come a day when you stumble across the love letter I wrote you and I'm sure you will either cry or get upset. And, that's your fault for walking out on me when I needed you the most. Because I was your first girlfriend and you wanted to experience what it was like to be with someone else, well you got your wish, You're with someone else, and you may seem happy for now, but I know you better then she does, and I always will. I know that a few months from now if things still haven't changed, you're gonna get tired of her and wonder what you've been doing that whole time. Wondering why you're still stuck in that same rut you despise so much. Come to grips with reality, would you? You're unhappy with your current situation, change it. You know you were meant to be with the person that made you the happiest. And I know that was me, for a long time there, I was always the one you thought about and smiled. You were right about one thing though, it wasn't fair to me that you thought about someone else almost the whole time we were together, and after we broke up and you finally had your chance to be with her, she didn't even commit herself to you and she dropped you like a bag of rocks, and you didn't see that she was using you. And I'm sure to this day, you still don't. God, I wish you would have seen how blind you were...And when I tried to help you and warn you that she didn't want you, you got mad at me. And when she finally did drop you, you blamed it all on me. You didn't care that she was oogling over another guy when she was talking to you, because you were so blinded. You tell me that you'll never forgive me for what I did, The only thing I did, was tell her that I didn't want you two talking anymore because she was my friend, and if she was a good friend, she wouldn't go after a friend's ex. I'm sorry, but that just isn't right, And you two never stopped talking despite what I said. But you never wanted to see the whole truth.. you never wanted to see that you were only a pawn in her little game. Love is blind, I can tell you that. But when you have hard evidence being shown to you, you can't really disbelieve it, can you? Despite all the stupid shit that happened, it happens. Move on, realize that you actually had someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, and now every time I meet someone new, or go out on dates, all I can talk about or think about is you. You're always on my brain, and you'll always have a place in my heart. Even after all the nasty and vulgar things you said to me, I still love you. Shouldn't that tell you something? When you're alone one day and you're wondering why, remember you had someone who loved you, more then life itself. I will always love you till the day that I die, and you know that. writing this has helped my panic attack subside, thankfully because it was one of the worst ones I've had. I should try and get some sleep before my panic attack decides to resurface. I love you to the moon and back... goodnight.