Never the same
A Raymond imagine ( 'The Gentlemen' 2020)
Summary: Before Raymond became a man hardened by the harsh reality of the world he belongs to, one to never get attached and live for himself alone, there was her. Someone he would have given his life for and someone he ultimately chose to let go. And after her, he has never been the same.
Warnings: Substance consumption, angst
I hope you will enjoy reading this piece as much as I enjoyed writing it. It has been way too long since I have written something, but whilst I was gone I developed a massive love towards Charlie Hunnam and characters portrayed by him, the latest one being Ray. Feedback is always appreciated and my apologies if the aforementioned warnings lack something important, as it is the first time I am disclosing them in my writings! Enjoy! :)
Italics indicate retrospectives!
~
Raymond wasn't always quite like this. He wasn't one to seek out one night stands, too endorsed in guarding his already broken heart to give a shit about the heart of a girl he takes home for the night. Too endorsed in satisfying his primal needs after drinking the night away to forget the emptiness his soul has strung along since the day he left her. The day his soul last felt complete. Ever since then nothing has been able to fix what was broken and Raymond hadn't bothered to, anyway. He didn't feel like he deserved it. Too engrossed in self-hatred that he has managed to hide from the prying eyes of his boss and subordinates. At least that's what he thought.
Every morning is a painful reminder of a past self that he can no longer recognize in the mirror, however, that has never stopped him from putting on a happy face and going on with his duties as Mickey’s right hand, only to fall in bed with a woman whose name he wasn't even bothered to remember, too drunk to feel anything at the end of the day. The only thing keeping Raymond from going insane is that he truly believes letting her go was the right thing to do, even though lately he has been having trouble distinguishing right from wrong, happiness from sadness and dreams from nightmares. It's her that has been poisoning his dreams, getting a hold of his most hidden memories, ones too good, yet painful to ponder on even for a minute without them leaving a bitter aftertaste in his mouth with what-could-have-beens and what-ifs. Ones that make him wish he could take it all back and once again become the man he used to be with her.
~
“You do realise that I love you more than life itself, do you?” she said, letting out a light chuckle afterwards as to not sound so desperate. Desperate to love him, have him, call him hers. But her eyes gave it away. They always did. Raymond was able to read her like a book. A book filled with secrets, pain, suffering and outweighed by joy, happiness and love so pure it could complete his own corrupted soul. With her sun seemed to shine a little brighter, the water seemed to be a tad bit bluer and he was able to see past the life of a criminal he had decided to become a part of.
This was a reoccurring conversation they seemed to be having almost daily at this point. Just like Raymond was able to read her like a book, so could she read him. And behind that handsome face and beautiful, albeit tormented soul hid a vulnerable man scared to fully commit to her, give himself to her and just love, because the life he is used to leading is no place for love and weaknesses. And a weakness she is.
“I know,” is all he would answer. But that seemed to be enough for her because behind those two words hid a sea of emotions he felt for her. And she knew. She knew he loved her, possibly more than she could even comprehend. What she didn't know, however, is that through these simple, yet oh so vulnerable conversations they have also been saying goodbye.
~
Raymond awoke in cold sweat, too shaken by his dreams to fall back asleep, too restless to just numb his mind and rid of the feelings he thought he had grown out of. Foolish of him, he knows, but how could he not think that the love he once felt for her is gone if he doesn't even remember the last time he willingly thought of her. Only in his dreams does he let his guard down and unconsciously prays to go back to the days when he called her his. Before he found a remedy in alcohol and drugs that for once filled his system with something that numbed his bottled-up feelings. But tonight it wasn't an option, he was on a job that required for him to be alert of his surroundings and the looming threat of getting killed by Mickey's rivals looking to retaliate. And so he was forced to face his biggest enemy in the dark of the night. Himself.
~
“I just… don't understand. How can this be a goodbye, how can you just walk away?” she cried, too hurt to hide her tears, too broken to pretend like she can fix this. Because even though she doesn't want to believe it, she knows he is leaving. And there is nothing she can do, even though there is nothing she wouldn't do just to have him for one more day.
“You knew all too well how this is going to end when we decided to give this a shot. We are not working out and there is nothing you can do to change my mind,” he said, seemingly unphased by their imminent parting on the outside, while he was absolutely breaking on the inside. However, for once in her own heartbreak she wasn't able to see past his exterior, only meeting his cold eyes and stoic face that made her soul break a little more, for she thought she had truly lost him. In reality, he was breaking on the inside, too, a little more now that he sees the pain he has inflicted upon her. But this had to be done to protect her. Because if there is one thing in the world he wouldn't forgive himself for, it's being blinded by love and letting her get hurt by the world he belongs to, a world all too harsh for someone so pure.
~
The job had gone smoothly and Raymond awoke to a world filled by one less enemy lurking behind his back. And so it called for a celebration, one to numb his mind and put the last night's events to rest. What he didn't anticipate, however, is seeing her occupying his favourite seat by the bar he often joked to be his third home. While at first, his heart skipped one too many beats, causing his face to pale and palms to sweat, something about her presence brought the feeling of peace. For once in the longest time, everything seemed to fall into its place, as if stars had aligned in his favour. Because he can no longer stand the thought of living through another night dreaming of their shared past that still haunts him. Admittedly, after her, Raymond has never been the same. But maybe, just maybe, after seeing her for the first time in years, the same glimmer in her eyes, bright smile and laughter that made him fall utterly and unconditionally in love with her, being the foolish boy who once used to be able to call her his is not what he yearns to be any more, for he was the one who let her go. Maybe what he needs is another chance at being a better man.
With her.
Ooh your Antoine imagines were soo good 😍
Thank you so much! I am still working on a couple of them, but requests are still open, so keep requesting if you are interested! :)
Missing you
A Harry Styles imagine
Based on this request:
hiiii!!! so i'm really wanting to read something like "y/n woke up cuddly", please. ❤
Hope you like it! Requests are open!
~
Waking up on Sunday has always been something you’ve looked forward to, no matter how weird it may sound. Ever since you and your boyfriend Harry moved in together, you’ve made an agreement that on this day it will be just the two of you spending your day off, whenever you get the chance. It’s been a long and tiring week for the two of you, so you knew getting out of bed early won’t be an option, and that made you feel perfectly content...At least until you woke up to realise that there is no one sleeping next to you.
You propped yourself on your elbows to get a better view of your shared bedroom, seeing both of your yesterday’s clothes on the floor after the rather steamy events. Harry’s phone and wallet, however, were no longer on his bedside table where you last saw them, which made you frown. You took your phone and checked the time - 9:16AM. The notifications on your phone consisted of the usual news reports, some friends wanting to arrange plans and someone liking your latest post every once in a while. No messages from Harry. You took off the blanket, crawled out of the bed and slowly padded to the bathroom, not wanting to make a lot of noise, even though there was no actual reason to do so. After doing your usual morning routine, you exited the bathroom and tiptoed down the stairs, secretly hoping that Harry has been making breakfast the whole time and you will be able to get your long deserved cuddles, which you have been craving ever since you woke up. Walking into the kitchen made disappointed find its way into the pit of your stomach, seeing that not only there was no food ready to be devoured, but also no Harry and his strong arms to hold you. I know, priorities. Before getting slightly irritated by the fact that he has left the house without making sure you knew as to where, you heard the front door unlock and Harry’s heavy Chelsea boots making their way into the house, making a relieved sigh leave your mouth. You then propped yourself on the dark marble counter of your kitchen, slightly wincing at the cold surface hitting your bottom and making you shiver.
Harry, on the other hand, took of his boots, happily humming a new tune he had come up with when he woke up this morning, seeing you sound asleep by his side. Even though he did not want to leave you, breakfast for two sounded good enough to leave the warmth of your body and to head downstairs in order to cook a mean French toast with eggs and bacon. To his surprise there was no food left in the refrigerator, his only option being grocery shopping, which is exactly what he did, hoping to be back before his love woke up. Unfortunately for him, after taking his boots and coat off and making his way towards your shared bedroom, forgetting the shopping bags by the door, as he approached the room, he noticed you no longer sleeping as the little angel you are, very well knowing you never wake up this early, and a worried expression made its way onto his face. As he hurriedly headed towards the bathroom, hoping to see you there, he was met with the soft voice he had fallen for when you two first met.
“Are you looking for something?” You spoke up.Harry quickly spun around, his green eyes meeting yours, worry leaving his body as he takes in your appearance - hair disheveled, cheeks red and lips puffy as usual, begging to be kissed, your body only clad with his dress shirt from last night, baring the right amount of skin to get Harry worked up, his breath heaving.
“Morning, love. What are you doing up so early? You got me worried for a second here.” Harry said while making his way towards you, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you close to him.
“I woke up and you were gone, I thought something happened..” you sofly said and looked up to him with your puppy dog eyes, making Harry inwardly curse.
“Oh, baby. I was doing some shopping, we must’ve forgot to buy more food, the fridge was empty” he reassured while stroking your hair, making you sigh.
“I missed you, Harry. I was hoping for some cuddles when I woke up” you sadly said.
With that Harry picked you up and took you to your bed, softly landing the two of you on its soft surface.
“I missed you, too, babygirl” he said, wrapping his arms around your warm body, and kissed your forehead, his scent enveloping you as you slowly fell back asleep in the arms of the man you love unconditionally, while Harry himself thanked the lucky stars for having someone like you by his side.
Hi that imagine I requested today with antoine trying to win you over was everything I wanted like you did it perfectly. Have a nice day love
Thank you for your feedback! You put a smile on my face, because I was genuinely worried for a second there. Have a nice day! :)
I'm good thank you and god writer block is a bitch 😒
Right?? Tell me about it, feels so frustrating..
I'm a writer myself but I do not write for footballers I kinda want to since last summer but never had the courage to actually start I'm stressed people will judge me about it or not read it at all - 🥖
Oh, love, if writing is something you enjoy, then you shouldn’t fear about people not liking your writings. They will definitely notice that you are passionate about it :) Besides, if writing imagines about football is something you would like to try, then try it! You will see whether you like it and will feel much better once you have taken the first step, I believe :) I will read them for sure! And I really don’t think people will judge you, this is a platform for those who want to express themselves and find what their heart likes. You do you!
Spending your time with anto at the pitch while he's supposed to be training time but everyone is spending their time with fam and he's play fighting with the reader about the ball and like throwing her on the floor but still being careful not to hurt her and she's like showing him what she's got lol I love your imagines 😘
Thank you! Just posted, hope you like it! :)
An Antoine Griezmann imagine
Based on this request:
Request for y/n being insecure about her looks and her body because the other wives/girlfriends look so much better than her in her opinion? (And can it take place during the World Cup celebrations?) oh and this is for Antoine btw
Enjoy!
~~~
Crowds. Crowds of people surrounded the football pitch in hopes for their favourite team to win. Cheers embraced you as Antoine scored his penalty shot against Croatia. Another goal closer to being the champions of the world. A pang of proudness shot through your heart, and an enormous grin found its way on your face. You knew how much it meant to him. He has always wanted to make his country and family proud, but most importantly - he wanted to make you proud. You found yourself in the middle of friends, families and lovers of the other football players and you couldn’t help but to notice the how beautiful the other women were. Their cheekbones looked almost carved by gods, their lips plump, hair done to the perfection and their slim figures moved themselves in the rhythm of another cheer song. A sudden insecurity hit you that you were probably looking like you have too much going on at a time, your hair a mess, face flushed from cheering too much, clothes chosen to be as comfortable as possible, not glamorous like the others’. Your arms found their way around your midriff, almost shielding your stomach. You couldn’t help yourself, you knew you are nothing compared to them. Tears pricked in your eyes when you understood that Antoine deserves someone flawless, like him.
Til the end of the match only a couple of minutes were left, a huge smile was plastered on your face both because the french national team is destined to finally win and because you were trying to put your mind at ease from all the negative thoughts about yourself. It was Antoine’s day, you couldn’t bring yourself to be so selfish and ruin his mood with your own problems. As the whistle blew, tears slid down your cheeks. They had done it! You noticed Antoine on the pitch, happy tears in his eyes and that gorgeous smile of his on his face as he congratulated his teammates. Some were running towards their children to bring them on the pitch, some were rushing to their wives and girlfriends to engulf them in an embrace and say thank you for supporting them. Seeing them together made you feel crushed, because you knew that next to Anto you look like a nobody, yet he was still there, calling loud and clear for your name and extending his arms as if waiting to be hugged.
He was ecstatic, absolutely mind blown and couldn’t believe that he had just won. His mind was going a million miles per hour, yet the first thing he thought of was you. He searched for you in the crowd and when he found you, his legs started working before his mind did. He couldn’t help himself, he was in awe of how beautiful you look in his jersey, the stripes of the french flag drawn on your cheeks. Hair up in a perfect mess, showing off your beautiful face. Once he reached the benches, he noticed the look on your face, though the smile was bright, it didn’t quite reach your eyes the way he loves it so much. Your eyes were filled with sorrow as you looked upon the families of his mates. He called for you:
“(Y/N)! Baby!”
She ran towards him and quite literally almost fell over from the excitement of seeing him.
“I am so proud of you, Anto,” she whispered in his neck as he tightened his hold on her.
“I did this all for you, love,” he whispered back, feeling his eyes sting once again, now that he is in the arms of his lover.
He lifted you up and spun you around, shouting out of excitement, and though at first you were doing the same, you soon realised that he is holding up the whole weight of your body, the feeling of insecureness once again returned and you begged him to let you down.
“Hey, what’s wrong, mon amour?”
“It’s nothing, you are tired, I don’t want you to hurt yourself while holding me up for so long, you still have to celebrate, you know,” you tried to laugh it off, however the hint of panic in your voice screamed louder than your words to Antoine to know that something indeed was wrong.
“Tell me, please. I want to know what’s bothering you,” he said, once again engulfing you, knowing that cameras are everywhere and will probably catch the two of you off guard at some point.
“It’s nothing. Just stupid old me being stupid”
“You are not stupid, stop it, (Y/N). Please, I am begging you,” he said, took your face in his hands and looked deeply in your eyes.
You looked away. Once again your eyes averted to other girlfriends and you couldn’t help but sigh at how gorgeous they looked. Antoine, however, not being a fool soon caught up.
“Is it because of them? Did they say anything bad to you? Did they hurt your feelings? Tell me,” he demanded, getting rilled up even from the thought of them being rude to you.
“No, no, they didn’t, I promise.. It’s just..”
“It’s just what?”
“I am nothing compared to them… I am not as beautiful or skinny or well dressed as them. Hell, I look like a wet rat while they look like angels in this stupid rain,” you confessed, your voice small, “I am not worthy of you, Antoine. I will never be that someone you are proud to show off, I will never be the one people look up to and call beautiful, I'm just not..” you trailed off.
“I… I-I..” he stuttered, “I cannot believe how big of a fool you are, (Y/N). You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever had the chance to lay my eyes upon in my entire life. What you were saying are all lies. I love you for who you are and the way you are. No one will ever be able to top that. God, I am so smitten with you that even the thought of you thinking so low of yourself makes me angry. Please, never, ever say that again. I promise you that 'til the day I die I will cherish every single inch of you and will make it my task to prove you how truly beautiful you are. Don’t ever be ashamed of it. I will carry you in my arms until they give out and then I will pick you up again and again. Je t’aime.” he breathed out and you couldn’t help the smile on your face from appearing and tears glistened in your eyes.
He took you by the hand, intertwined your fingers and took you down to the pitch. He put his medal around your neck and kissed you in the pouring rain.
“I am only a winner, because I have you,” he breathed out and kissed you once again.
Everything else faded away, it was just the two of you in the world. And it is all that matters.
Cant wait to read the story :) btw do you take requests from others than Griezmann?
As of now, I don't, but I have found a prompt list that I will further use for other people as well! Once I finish the unwritten requests, I will let you guys know that I am ready to write about someone else! Thank you for asking! :)
Hi when was the day you started to write for Antoine like what did u feel lol sorry for asking I'm just curious child lolol
Well, I had been browsing the imagine section for him and when I finally ran out of stories to read, I decided to give it a try. It was very impulsive, to be honest. I used to write for Harry Styles and other celebs here on Tumblr and Wattpad, but with the school and homework it got overwhelming and so I dropped social media altogether and stopped writing. I believe, writing calms me and finally getting back into it feels really nice. :) Thanks for asking!
A Harry Styles imagine
Based on this request:
Hi! Could you, please, write a Harry imagine about you leaving your home to go for a walk and your phone runs out of battery, so Harry can’t reach you and is very worried and stuff? Make it all fluffy!!! Thanks!
Requests are open! Enjoy!
~
It was a quarter past eleven PM. You and Harry were both sprawled across the livingroom couch, wrapped up in both fluffy blankets and each other’s arms. Muffled and rather quiet sounds came from the Notebook playing in the background. This was your second time watching it tonight, as thrilling as it may sound. Even though Harry loved the film from the bottom of his heart and every time watched it with the same amount of enthusiasm, the rough this week’s schedule had completely drained any signs of energy left in him, only faint snores came out of his nose as he slept on the softness of your chest, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist.
After laying there for what seemed like forever, you finally decided that you are not ready for your bladder to burst just yet, so you tried to pry yourself out of the tangle of Harry’s limbs. Once you finally stood up, satisfied with the fact that Harry had not even moved an inch during your grand escape, you made your way towards the bathroom. As you were washing your hands, you noticed the bright full moon shining over the beautiful landscape in front of your window, making you yearn for a nice walk in this beautiful autumn night. Making sure Harry was sound asleep, you put on warmer clothes, remembering to take your gloves out of Harry’s coat pocked, quietly chuckling to yourself at the fact that he stole them this morning, because “the wheel was too cold to properly drive”, not because he in general was freezing his limbs off, just pretending to be more masculine infront of you.
Once you were set to go, you put in your headphones, locked the door and left. Every step you took in the beat of the songs that did not make it to Harry’s album, your mood and spirits lifted, and even the chilly air was not enough to make you regret the decision of leaving the warmth of your home. After being out for what seemed like only fifteen minutes, the weather all of a sudden changed into one that London oh so dearly knows - it started to pour. Looking at your surroundings, you got a bit confused, as the neighbourhood did not seem familiar anymore, you checked the clock in your phone, only to be met with a notification that your phone only has 1%. Cursing to yourself you noticed the time - 1:17AM. What seemed like only half an hour turned out to be almost two. Realising that there is no way you could use the phone, who had now turned off completely, to call a taxi or use Google maps to find your way back, you decided to turn around and try to remember the unusually random path you took, inwardly being angry at yourself for not following Harry’s rule not to wander around places you have never been to before. After what seemed like five hours, you finally saw the oh so familiar park near your home, relief washing over you, as you finally understood your whereabouts. Approaching your home, now freezing, since it was still raining, you noticed lights illuminating the windows, and a confused expression took over your face. Once you opened the door, you heard heavy and fast steps coming your way - Harry, dressed up seemingly ready to head out, with worry painted all over his beautiful face.
“Where have you been?! It’s almost 4AM! I’ve been worried sick for hours! Where is your phone?!” he angrily shouted, but worry was latched onto his every word.
“Baby, I’m sorry, I went out for a walk, but kind of got carried away. My phone ran out of battery, and I kind of got lost” you quietly said, not wanting to get him more worked up.
“Got lost!?? What did I tell you about wandering off?! It is NOT safe for you to be alone in a city like this!!” He spat, the vein in his neck showing itself prominently, and his hand ran trough his freshly cut hair. After a minute of silence, a sigh left his lips.
“Come ‘ere” he ordered, patting his lap.
You took of your boots and tiptoed to where he now sat on the couch. Once you sat down, his arms tightly wrapped around your trebling figure, embracing you in a warm hug.
“I was worried sick, I drove around the block for almost two hours with no sign of you. I was ready to head down to the police station” he whispered in your hair, kissing it as he did.
“Don’t ever do that again, or I will have to chain you up or something” he said jokingly, but you knew more than well that he meant it.
“I promise I won’t, ‘m sorry” you said and laid a soft kiss on his cheek, making the embrace to get tighter.
“I love you so much, babygirl, I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you. I would be ready to kill anyone trying to harm you” he said with a clenched jaw, his voice cracking every once in a while as he spoke.
“I know, baby, I know.”
The two of you got up and went up to your shared bedroom, wrapping yourselves in the warmth of your blankets, as Harry pulled you close to his chest, making sure you don’t get a cold after tonight’s events in the freezing weather. As you slowly drifted away in the dream world, Harry whispered sweet nothings into your ear, while stroking your hair the way you loved, the last thing you heard being:
“Don’t ever leave me.”