You Can Only Reblog This Today

gUYS WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN. I have like. 5 posts. How is this a year old. what.

When you're bad at makeup so you look for a tutorial, but nothing can encapsulate the vibe of an androgynous messy vampire poet with dark circles and pale skin, staying up at night to romanticise life under a candlelight in only a long white silk dress shirt... So you have to wing it 😔

also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

Envy

They got it, 

So why can't I?

How come they automatically get it?

And I have to work so hard for mine.

They just did that one thing,

And all that opportunity came their way,

What about me?

I sit here struggling.

Fighting for pennies,

Fighting to be heard,

Fighting for peace,

And alI I seem to get is brick walls and resistance.

I don't want to be them,

I don't actually like them,

I don't actually want their lives.

But I want the same opportunities,

I want those doors to open for me,

I want that ease that I witness in them.

I hate my life.

I openly reject it.

Victimising myself to anyone who will listen,

Playing the blame game to deflect my ownership,

Proudly accepting sympathy for my shortcomings,

I have dug this ugly, defensive hole that I sit in. 

But the truth is,

That we are all blessed in our own way,

We all have experiences in good & bad,

We all  have moments of right and wrong,

We all have ways of not seeing the positives over the negatives.

What is one's person ease,

Is the other persons hardship,

What one person's hard work,

Is another person's cup of tea,

What is your walk in the park,

Is another person's walk through the trenches.

We all have our own struggles,

We all have our own point of pain,

This is just mine,

And I'm sure you have yours,

We are not any better than each other,

We are all just humans having our own human experience.

Envy is a bitch.

A cruel deadly sin that lurks within,

Eating away at our love for each other, 

Creating barriers of the haves and have nots, 

Identifying where we hold lack inside.

But envy can also be a catalyst for change.

Creating inspiration,

Evoking aspiration,

Driving up our determination,

Making us want it more.

What is their victory,

Is also my possibilities,

If they can do it,

So can I.

They got it with such ease,

Imagine what I'll receive if I actually try?

I put my all into it,

Bending backwards,

Beg, borrow & steal,

Determined to claim what is mine.

I achieve my goal, 

I receive my glory,

I stand tall in my victory,

The evidence of all my hard work.

But soon that day will come,

Where others will see my success,

Oblivious to my journey,

Unaware of my set-backs,

Unconscious of my struggles.

Where is mine, they will say?

When do I get my chance?

How come they got it so easily?

And the truth is that,

What goes around comes around, 

The endless cycle of the human condition.

We notice the similar tone,

We witness the familiar themes,

We recognise the signs of envy.

Welcome to physics class, buckle up because we've got things to cover

"Untold riches if answered correctly, endless suffering if wrong," said the Sphinx.

"I accept. Ask your question, beast." "Why does an object fall when dropped?" it asked.

Embodiment of War, Shamura

^ actual blessing of a post

Today in therapy I learned the term double bookkeeping and everything makes much more sense now

“Double bookkeeping is a term introduced by Eugen Bleuler to describe a fundamental feature of schizophrenia where psychotic reality can exist side by side with shared reality even when these realities seem mutually exclusive.”

This is why I can know I’m schizophrenic and still believe my delusions. My psychosis is its own separate reality where everything is possible. Logic doesn’t apply there, I’m unreal, my reality is unreal so unreal things can happen. I know it’s physiologically impossible and implausible, I know it’s a symptom of psychosis and not an experience I share with most of the world, but it’s still real to me

Do any other schizospec folk experience this?

Lil angst poem :)

And I Am?

“And who might you be?” Well, I’m many things And yet I’m too scared To tell you any of them Too scared to tell you My names that are true Too worried to claim I know who I am So I’ll tell you now Another lie Because what’s one more When I’m drowning in them? “I am ------” But it feels so foul to say It feels like a lie Because that’s all it is. “I’m this and I’m that” But none of it is true And I can’t breathe Someone help But I don’t know how And I am A liar And a coward And someone who is scared I am foolish I am weak I am someone who is scared I shouldn’t feel this way But I do, I do, And I don’t know what to say When you say the name I picked out so carefully Like a slur Like a curse Someone give me a chance Let me explain how I feel Just to be refused again. And I am Someone who is alive But sometimes I don’t know What to say or how to act Because I am not the norm And the norm will kill me In a day or a year The outcome’s the same Suffocation or a blaze Who really cares? And I am Someone who is scared And I know it is without reason And yet I don’t know this But I do. And I am Someone who is confused And who can’t form these words To tell you what it felt like To hear you say my name Like I am a slur and a failure A sinner and a liar.