His Name Is Jahel; They Have A P Neat 'friendship'

Sleep

Now I lay me down to sleep

But Gods, don’t keep my soul

For the broken thing has no more fight-

No hope remains with me.

So let me lay myself to sleep-

To shut my eyes and miss the dawn.

Let me rest here till I am missed

And then after, with the earth.

I’d much rather go to sleep

And not wake to see the sun

Than to stay awake and see me fail

Yet again, yet again, yet again.

This picture, but it's baby Konrad, still not knowing how to walk and talk, crawling up to a recently killed person and curling up next to them, to soak up what little of the warmth their corpse still has and to pretend like he is being held by a loving parent.

How Many Ways To Say

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To tell you how I feel

Again and again?

I’m running out of words

Someone wind me up again

I’m so tired, I’m so tired

Of looking at the pages

That are my sole escape

My mind is buzzing

With things I wish I had the courage to say.

And I’m still wondering now

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To say how I’m not normal?

How many times

Must I scream

I am not a daughter

Before I’m finally told

That nobody wants to hear it?

Stop lying to me

Stop telling me you understand

Because I’m so tired

Of this body

And the way it’s winding down

I’m running out of words

Someone please tell me 

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To tell you I’m not ok?

And now you’ve scared me

Now I’m silenced

And yet you think it’s fine

I’m not ok, I’m not alright!

Someone tell me that’s ok

Someone tell me I’m not a freak

Even if I don’t believe

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To say I’m so damn tired?

I am nothing, I am nothing

I am not your daughter

I’ve never been but now I wonder

How many ways

Can there possibly be

For you to say

You don’t care?

Cause I’m running out of air

And I’m running out of words

Someone wind me up again

How many ways

Are there to say

That I am not your daughter?

Be Openly Scary

Society is scared of a lot of things it shouldn't be. A lot of those things can't be helped, a lot of those things don't hurt anyone, and a lot of those things are not what people even think they truly are.

So you know what?

Talk about your hallucinations, your delusions, your psychotic symptoms. Share things about your gender identity whether it be nonconforming, trans, xenogender or anything else. Scream about your nonhumanity and animal urges. Be open and unwavering about your systems existence, presenting as more-than-one wherever you want. Use and introduce your pronouns, even if people find them weird or offputting. Rock back and forth, pace, twitch and stim in any way you please. Wear things that reflect your identity in public. Get tattoos and body mods to your heart's content. Tell people about your personality disorders.

Don't make yourself small because others can't handle you. Be open where safe. Be you. Be scary.

Circles

I sit here

And in circles I go

Round and round this carousel

My mind and my heart at war

He loves me, he loves me not

I love me, I love me not

But the flower is just as confused.

I lay here

And in circles I go

Around and around and around

I can’t feel my soul and my heart is losing the fight

They love me, they love me not

I love me, I love me not

I’m out of flowers and I‘m just as lost.

I tumble down

And in circles I go

Round and round and round

I can’t breathe and my mind is screaming

He  loves me, he loves me not

I love me, I love me not

A roll of the dice away from something stupid

A spin away from losing my mind

I can’t put the shovel down

He loves me, he loves me not

I love me, I love me not

In circles and circles I go

Around and around this carousel ride.

reclusive child with elaborate imagination and maladaptive daydreaming to plural teenager who doesn’t identify with thier own body anymore pipeline is unfortunatelg real

Walk With Me

If I asked you

When I die

Will you walk with me

Down to the gates

And leave me there

With one last talk

When you go up

To the clouds?

If I asked, when I am gone,

Will you remember

Me as me?

When I go down

To the gates

Of a pit so deep

Will you walk there with me?

If I begged you

Right here and now

Will you let me

Hold your hand

While I walk

Down to the pit

And take my place

In a tragic end?

And if the answer’s yes

Then let me ask you now

If I can be so selfish

As to have you watch me go

Down to that pit so deep

Then turn around

and go to the clouds

To take your rightful place?

A poem called fear it's under the cut :)

Fear

Is there a reason 

You feel so empty? 

Is there a reason 

You feel so alone? 

Surrounded by people

All the time

Yet the monsters in your mind

Just won't rest

You're locked in a prison

Made in your mind

Put on a smile

Don't let them know

Cause you can take this pain

Another day. 

Focus on happy thoughts

You're convinced you'll end up fine

You're overreacting 

Just calm down

Cause nobody else

Says anything about this

So keep your mouth shut, 

You think, 

And smile at the world 

Can't focus on happy thoughts anymore

Can't pay attention

They're getting worried

Cause you can't breath quite right anymore

That smile of yours a bit askew

You're locked in a prison 

Made in your mind

You can't let them know

You can't take this pain

Another day. 

Take some medication, 

You're sure you'll be fine

Keep your mouth shut, 

You think, 

Cause you can't tell them how it feels

Nobody else

Tells you anything about this

You're drowning in an ocean of silence

So you keep smiling

Not sure you're doing it right but

It's convincing enough. 

Medication is failing

It hurts to even think

The monsters dug their claws in so deep

You're so sick of smiling 

Cause there are no happy thoughts anymore

You're chained up in your own mind

Gagged by your own fear

You up the dose

Anything to feel alive

You feel like you're insane

Nobody else

Feels this way

You're so alone

Wishing you could

Just smile again

You don't know if you'll be fine

Silence hurts

Words hurt more 

Anything

To end the pain

Thoughts fade to fuzzy haze

Your own heartbeat seems like a curse

They ask you if you're afraid of death

You can’t answer

You're not afraid of death

You're afraid of life

You're so scared

Of living another day

Anything to end the pain

It's all too much

Nothing is the same

You're jumping at every noise

You just want to feel free again! 

The monsters have you hostage 

In your own mind

There's nothing you can do! 

You don't feel fixable

You feel like a shattered mess that ruins everything and everyone

You feel like you're ruined beyond redemption, like even your soul can't be saved

You feel afraid of this life when they ask if you're really giving up

But they don't understand

The living hell you suffer though! 

They don't understand

How much you keep inside! 

Your mind is breaking under the stress

You're so scared of feeling this any more

One more day seems like another year

Every moment of every day is a nightmare of pain you can't escape

Your mind might as well be a weapon

You can't take it any longer! 

.... 

You're drowning. 

it's certainly a goth....

👁👄👁

C.A.R.E and M.I.N.E

These two poems are part of a set of four, so that's why H.O.P.E. is mentioned!

C.A.R.E. is for

Concern for those around me, even if it’s not reflected

A is for altruism- work in progress, but I’ll try

R for resilience because that’s what I’ll need to practice, and

Effusion for e because four walls can’t stop my thoughts

C.A.R.E. stands for care and nothing more

Because caring is a skill I will learn to adore

C.A.R.E. is to experience the world

Painful and confusing though it ends up at times

But I won’t stay in these walls forevermore

Because I’ve only ever learned outside of the halls

C.A.R.E. is how I’ll start to live

Even if I begin to wish the box was still with me

Only with the will to fly will I reach the sky

And only from the heights will my path begin to be mine.

———————

M.I.N.E. is for

M will be for mindful, learning to adapt

I is for inspired by those around me every day

N is for natural and being me in my entirety

E is back to effervescent because that’s who I want to be

M.I.N.E. is for a willingness to grow

Because now I want to learn how nobody is the same

I’m fascinated, please, teach me what you know

Let me make a library and place your book inside

M.I.N.E. to adapt and overcome

The way it’s uncomfortable will show me how to grow

Nothing good ever came without struggle, so I know

Giving up is easy, but I will keep moving on.

And a fall is just an opportunity

To learn and fly again

H.O.P.E. wasn’t right, in the end

M.I.N.E. for the person I want to be

C.A.R.E for the person I owe it to

Giving up is easy but M is to be mindful

Of my actions and the consequences that they will always bring

So giving up is easy, but I will learn to fly.