THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER READ 😭

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER READ 😭

✿ : annoying sex habits; pillars

synopsis: annoying (?) things that come up when you have sex with your respective hashira

pairings: tomioka giyuu x f!reader, shinazugawa sanemi x f!reader, rengoku kyojuro x f!reader, uzui tengen x f!reader, iguro obanai x f!reader, himejima gyomei x f!reader

warnings: minors dni, explicit smut, rough sex, cursing, no beta

notes: slander, just slander. and crack. i apologize for spelling/grammatical errors !

GIYUU:

awkwardly quiet from start to finish

like damn, mf, not even a grunt? A GASP? 😭

his breathing doesn’t even pick up

he’s just silently hovering above, swiftly thrusting into you

even when he cums—NOTHING!!

LIKE CAN YOU AT LEAST SIGH??

and to top it off, after he cums he just sorta rolls over and pets you on the head? like he wants to smooth your hair back but he’s too afraid to commit??? like he wasn’t all up in your guts like two seconds ago?? ✋😐

you genuinely have no clue if he’s enjoying himself or not

you have to sit him down and admit to him that you feel a lil insecure because he doesn’t seem to be enjoying himself

giyuu feels TERRIBLE because he loves you deeply and is affected by you sm but he just can’t stand hearing himself moaning

his moans are kinda high-pitched, almost keening, and it’s so embarrassing to him

to YOU, giyuu, not to us 😫

“i...sound...weird” is all he says, frowning in the complete opposite direction from you

he slipped up once tho and y’all weren’t even having sex

you were straddling his lap, both fully clothed, kissing each other fervently, after he’d return to his estate after a very long mission

he was already feeling a little frayed from not seeing you for so long

so that with the way your grinding down against his bulging cock, mewling and moaning as you plant sloppy kisses against his mouth, his cheeks, the neck; sighing “missed you, missed you so much” into his ear

he starts to feel himself unravel at a rate that concerns him, you feel so good and sound so sweet —it’s all too much for him

his breathing kinda stutters, but you’re too engrossed to notice

giyuu is like “nope, nuh uh, absolutely not” as he tries to gather himself together, blinking away the white spots in his vision

but then you drag your crotch against his clothed cock so good, so deliciously that he can’t help the shaky, high pitched moan that escapes from his lips

you glance up at him in shock while he shuts his eyes and hangs his head in shame

“wait...wait, giyuu did you—”

“stop”

“no wait! that was so hot!”

almost kicks you out of his room 😭

like i’m sorry, it’d take a while for him to actually let loose but at least he’s sorta sighing into your ear now? 😅

SANEMI:

talks a huge f*cking game about how big his cock is and how he’s gonna tear your sh*t up

bitch...we weren’t being LITERAL

he’s actually thrusting into you like he wants to square up with your cervix

LIKE BRO RELAX???

i do think sanemi enjoys rougher sex but sometimes i think it’s a lil performative

i also think he feels that he needs to overcompensate bc he thinks he’s not as experienced

y’all he canonically has a pet rhinoceros beetle,,,he ain’t as big and bad as he seems💀

also he doesn’t know how to be truly intimate with anyone but we can get into that later

BUT ANYWAYS!

no foreplay, just dives into the pussy

literally throws you onto the bed, sucks at you neck for a bit and then all of sudden you hear a “hpwuah! 💦”

and you sit up like “ikyfl” just to see he’s spat onto the shaft of his cock, pumping his fist along his shaft to spread the saliva

babe that’s when you should’ve sat up and left 😟

HIS COCK IS TOO FCKIN THICK AND BIG TO BE DOIN STUPID SH*T LIKE THAT

between the lack of foreplay and the way he’s just slamming his hips into yours...you are in PAINNN

and he keeps grunting shit like “yeah, you like that? gonna tear your f* ckin uterus into half” WHAT?(???$;@3&:

you slam your fists against his chest and choke out a “sanemi, stop”

he stills instantly, panting as his facial expression morphs into one of confusion and concern

“what’s wrong?” he asks gruffly, gently placing his hand on your arm and giving you a tiny squeeze there

once you tell him that he’s hurting you way more than you’d like, he’d feel bad almost immediately

sanemi sits back, his shoulders tense with shame and he gives a terse, “sorry “

willing to learn but y’all might argue here and there bc he refuses to believe that he isn’t the pussy destroyer he claims to be

KYOJURO

okay he’s actually got the mechanics down

has no problem pleasuring you/making you cum

HOWEVER!

HE’S LIKE MFIN DRILL SERGEANT

like y’all can’t have sex leisurely 😭

and it’s not so much a sexual thing as it is that kyojuro just wants you to be the best version of yourself possible,,,in every aspect of your life 😐

it starts off as like kyojuro being like “ONE MORE ROUND!” and you thought it was hot that his stamina was through the roof

but then it quickly turns into “omg WHEN DOES THIS END?!’cc”

you’ve been bouncing on his cock FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG trying to get him to cum

but you’re tiring quickly, your thighs burning as they tremble against kyojuro’s waist

you’re place your hands on his lower stomach for SOME sort of stability as your hips stutter

kyojuro feels you tremble against him and from the way you’re panting, he knows it’s from exhaustion

he has his hands on your waist to help you keep balance, but he isn’t assisting you 💀he wants you to work for it

you’re sweaty af, struggling to lift your hips off his cock as you pout up at him

“i-i’m getting tired, kyojuro—”

“you are? but it’s only been sixteen minutes?” he smiles up at you, face flushed as his hair spills around the pillow.

“i’m not fit like you” you pant, face screwed up as your calves begin to cramp up.

kyojuro’s face falls slightly “ah, don’t say that! you’re just as fit! here, let’s try for ten more minutes, i believe in you! 🏋️ 😃”

and he looks up at you so earnestly,,,you’re like “godDAMNIT”

he holds both of your hands in his to keep you balanced and he literally starts shouting encouragements at you jskziwkuss

shouts a variation of like “try harder!” and “7 more minutes! you can do this!”

MF, NO I CAN’T 🧎🏾‍♀️😭

you know when you’re doing an intense workout and you get so tired your life flashes before your eyes? YEAH,,,YOU ARE DYINGGGG RN

of course you don’t complete the full 10 minutes but kyojuro doesn’t get on your ass completely about it

he just flips your listless body over and adjusts himself before he starts slowly thrusting into you

“don’t worry, my love! all that matters is that you tried! i’m sure you can do it next time!” he beams down at your whimpering form, before kissing your forehead

he’s cute but LIKE WHY DOES SEX HAVE TO BE A MFIN WORKOUT?? ✋😭

you have to tell him that you’re down to workout with him (RIP to you 💀) OUTSIDE the bedroom but you want sex with him to be slow paced and intimate...not him yelling at you like he’s your coach

he’ll ease up immediately, don’t worry!

OBANAI

mf said “the snake stays ON during sex! 😤💯”

jk

no i’m not

obanai is like “can kaburamaru stay in the room? 😐”

and you’re like “i—um, that would be cool but i feel like he’d be uncomfortable”

and he’s like “omg ur right...i wouldn’t want to watch him have sex either i guess 😕”

so y’all have to PLAN AHEAD TO FIND A BABYSITTER FOR HIS SNAKE IF YALL WANNA— 🤦🏾‍♀️

obanai thinks of kaburamaru as a friend, not so much as a pet so he’s feel guilty for “abandoning” him because he has a S/O now

that’s his mfin bestie 😌

okay real talk, obanai loves you, he is bewitched, body and soul—

maybe a bit TOO much because he’ll literally cum during foreplay and then pass out right after 🙁

HKSHDIDJEI HE CAN’T HELP IT!!

he tries to continue after cumming, but it’s like he’s been drugged

his eyes are struggling to stay open, barely holding himself up as he keeps slurring on his words, like omg baby,,,just sleep, it’s okay

he tries tries tries to make you cum before he finishes, BUT EVERYTHING YOU DO GETS HIS COCK ROCKHARD

obanai was laying between your legs, lip suctioned around your clit, dragging his tongue over the little nub

all while he’s languidly thrusting two fingers in and out your slick pussy

and baby his head game is *CHEF KISS*

you’re mewling and whining, grinding your hips against his face as he laps his tongue up and down your folds

the sounds your making, the taste of your cunt, the way he can feel you throbbing against his mouth—it has HIM trembling and whimpering

he’s unconsciously rutting his hips against the mattress, squeezing his eyes shut as he attempts to control himself

but then you make this sound that’s caught between a whimper and grunt, and it catches so prettily in the back of your throat—

he blows his load, unbeknownst to you, as gasps against your heat

he literally knocks out between your legs, with his mouth smushed against your pussy 💀

TENGEN

not a single f*cking thing

look at that man and tell me he doesn’t give you the best pipe of your life

okay wait actually there maybe ONE THING ☝️

he talks wayyyy too fucking much during sex

and it’s mostly outlandish sh*t

okay, when he asked “whose pussy is this? 😩” it was all fine and dandy BUT THEN HE TAKES IT UP A NOTCH—

“you’d die by this dick, huh 😏”

my pride won’t let me say yes, but yes...i would 🧎🏾‍♀️

like he says the most strange sh*t ever and it draws you out of the sex head space to be like “...WAIT WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?”

he does it on purpose though 💀

he’s lining himself up to your entrance and he looks up at you smirking and is all like “im gonna make you a single mother”

AYOO???? 😭

BITCH.WHAT.THE.FUCK??!!

you literally shoot up, scrunching your legs up to your chest

while he laughs at your horrified look

BRO DON’T PLAY LIKE THAT 😭

that and i feel like he’s so fckin heavy handed omg

slaps your ass while you’re riding him and your whole skeleton rattles for like 5 minutes after 😭

yeah other than that...there is no way he’d be bad at sex

GYOMEI

very...very...gentle

he’s genuinely afraid of hurting you during sex

like he’s so MASSIVE and he’s convinced there is no way you can take all of him

he feels the way your pussy barely accommodates two of his fingers and he’s like “hm maybe not...🥲”

when he’s fingering you, he just barely squirms his fingers around while he winces in fear that he’s hurting you

you tell him “gyomei, go harder”

and he’s like “no”

!;&;&/&/7,$;7)/)/

and you’re like “but i barely feel you moving?”

and he’s like “trust me this is for your own good”

YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

when he finally finally agrees to f*ck you with his cock, the whole process takes almost three hours because he takes his time lubing you up and stretching you out with his fingers

it takes him the whole last hour to actually bottom out just from out how slow he’s easing into you

and everytime your breath catches in your throat, he slides his cock from out of your pussy and he’s like “ahh, i knew this was a bad idea!”

and then y’all have to start all over again

he can barely feel you squeeze around his cock from just how you’re stretched around him and he starts to freak out

you have to assure him that he’s not hurting you so he doesn’t pull out again

he’s so sweet tho 🥺