Missionary Because I Can Kiss Him While He Fucks Me

*puts a flower in your hair when we go for a nature walk*

being paranoid is funny bc like well what if i'm right

every single day a sunset occurs & every single day i’m like oh my God this is the prettiest thing i’ve ever had the privilege of witnessing... & every single day it’s true

Kink: When someone tells me I'm their favorite

op just discovered trolling

Kind of a Reddit AITA post but sometimes it is a little funny to fuck with people in ways that deliberately conform to a stereotype of what they must think of you. the other day I was talking to my friend and I randomly said that I wanted a pet chimpanzee. I'd dress it in person clothes (dungarees and hats) and I'd teach it to love science fiction. And this girl nearby was like "you know how dangerous those things are, right? Also how unethical it is to keep an ape as your pet for your own amusement" and I was already seeing where the conversation was going so I was pretending ignorance like "yea but it wouldn't just be for my amusement. It would have practical points too." And she ignored that statement entirely to say "Well chimpanzees can rip faces off" and I was like. What's the most frustrating thing I can say now. Finally settled on "Mine wouldn't do that though." and you could tell she wanted to hurt me very very badly. Like a chimpanzee would if I had one as a pet

forget freak. who's gonna match my cringe.

Please, for the love of god, leave me CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS!!! If you think it’s implied, I promise you that to me it is not. If you give me poorly worded or vague directions I’m gonna spend half an hour stressing over the potential different ways to interpret them and either become paralyzed with indecision or inevitably interpret them the least correct way possible

"please advise" is the professional email equivalent of "girl help"

It’s officially the first day of summer in the northern hemisphere ☀️ It’s been a really cold June so far, but from past experience, I know it can suddenly turn blazing hot. And then the only thing left to do is go swimming in some cool water! As much as I dislike the heat, there’s truly nothing like swimming in the summer 💙