Ugh, I Really Don’t Feel Like Destroying The Universe Today.

ናድያ நதியா приятел ナディア ناديه ਨਾਦੀਆ

the moon in astrology represents our emotional nature and instincts. pluto represents power/force (good or bad) and what gives us energy, what transforms.

in my chart my moon squares my pluto, which means the planets are basically competing with each other for dominance and it creates imbalance.

pluto in aspect to the moon creates POWERFUL and strong emotions. it wasn’t until my early twenties that i realized most people don’t feel things as intensely as i do. but then again, most people aren’t as awesome either.

i don’t like many astrologers interpretations as pluto being a bad planet, or a square as being a bad aspect. it might be harsh at times, but if you haven’t noticed babe, so is this planet. get over it. wipe that neptune out of your eyes.

if anything, pluto is empowering. it is energizing. after all, something is forcing you to keep getting out of bed in the morning. something is pushing you to get what you want out of life, despite all of the pain and misery and bullshit we have to put up with. we find a will and we find a way. this is pluto.

ok so i really wanna write a screenplay about my summer. i think it’d make a really good queer indie film. i’m more a visual person but i hate writing scripts. i might just make it a short story or novella first, but i think i am on to something. there’s too much creative energy flowing through me, i’ve been wanting to focus and write it for a while now.

the premise is two gay guys in the south and their following romance. i’m not sure how much i want it to be autobiographical. id say about 50% of it will be true or based on the truth. the details surrounding their personal lives aren’t too important. there will be character 1 & 2 and they are the primary focus. there might be a friend for the bear and the ex for the twink that will get some coverage. family for twink. maybe just sister for bear.

but the first scene of the film, the shot will see the ocean and then go down to a young blond twink eating at a hotel restaurant on the coast. hell be looking pensive then his older boyfriend will come to the table and greet him. like sugar daddy vibes. then it will be a flashback to the summer.

it will have the two gay guys — one a twink and one a bear — falling in love in the lower middle class / middle class urban south. there will be drug use, id specifically like to have mathematics in a scene or two. i know there’s not a lot of that in media and it also is common in the gay population in a way i think straights don’t realize. i know it’s not exactly palpable for the public, but it’s so common especially in the south, i think it needs its moment in the spotlight. i’ve considered just having molly or cocaine or maybe even LSD. G should also have a mention cuz that’s another gay culture drug. poppers are definitely a must. all that could be considered. but i think it deserves a mathematics scene.

there will be at least one scene of domestic violence. that would probably be the climax of the film. it doesn’t have to be graphic, but hey im not throwing that out the window either. it could stay true to the dull, slow indie rhythm. as long as there is an emotional intensity surrounding it. maybe a bloody nose at least.

i don’t want too many details about the boyfriend twink is with in the opening scene. but there might be a scene where he is in california about 1/4 into the movie, so the viewer remembers it’s a flashback. twink could just be walking around LA though. maybe a scene in SF where he kisses new boyfriend sugar daddy vibes.

and there should probably be a good sex scene or two. again, not enough bear - twink combo in media. the bear / twink combo is important cuz that’s not seen enough of.

that’s all i’ve got for now.

twink will just be exiting an unsatisfying relationship, (partner accidentally had sex with twink’s father), + he gets his onlyfans deleted. so bear is new summer romance. but then it gets ugly. i want the twink’s lack of finances to be emphasized. but also his work ethic.

but i want the viewers to fall in love with the characters like they are with them, falling in love with them. i want it to be heart wrenching, and believable. i want the viewers to feel the emotions of the actors.

La Méthode. Paris, 1960

Photo: Christer Strömholm

I've had the suspicion since this evening that someone was here with me. My immediate instinct is my ex boyfriend Andrew, who died a few years ago. His birthday is a week away.

The light began to subtely get brighter and then dimmer, very slow and softly. Later the front door just randomly blows open, but I look at the screen door and notice it isn't moving from the wind. That one is still, coulda just been the wind.

But I put a lightbulb in J's bedroom downstairs, and am here doing homework. The light keeps flickering. I always pay attention when a light flickers. Always. Sometimes I'm able to shrug it off. Sometimes lights do just flickr.

The light keeps flickering at certain times. I know what he's saying, despite me trying to ignore it. I picked up the phone to call the guy I'm currently dating. I press his name to call, get a flickr, so I hang up. I sit there for a couple minutes, then pick up my phone to call him again. I press his name, light immediately flickrs. I hang up.

Frustrated, I try calling a third time. He doesn't even answer. A few seconds later, the light flickers. "I told you so" Comes to my mind.

I start to ignore the light. There's not a consistent amount of time in between flickers. I start to get frustrated cuz I don't know what it means.

I'm doing my laundry and light hasn't been doing anything. Then as soon as I pick up E's mom's sweater, the light flickers. "Got ya" He says that time. I can't avoid the fact that it flickered at the moment I touched the most sentimental article of clothing, the one that was most important to me, while doing my laundry.

I go upstairs and do some homework. I come back down and light is fine. I get on my computer and I take a photo on photobooth. Light flickers immediately after the shutter stops. I'm like ok, I get it. I'm being vain. But I go to take another one like a minute later, and as soon as the shutter stops, light flickrs.

It's flickered a million times as I write this. I can't write every detail, but it keeps flickering at the precise moment. It flickers at other times too, like just now. I can't tell if it is a warning, or a message of hope, or what. He's probably telling me I'm off the wagon.

I just remembered I forgot the most important detail lol. I start to record a video after the two flickrs after I take a photo on photobooth. The video stops recording, on its own, at the 1:11 mark. My hands were not near the trackpad. They know what I pay attention to. I should probably just start to listen.

This, in conjunction with the most recent tarot card reading I was called to receive, leads me to the conclusion that it is over with 8th house sun.

I was so pissed after that reading. The first two tarot readings I got occured in a similar fashion. I was drawn in to the first one, then the second one. I had been wanting another for a week or two, but the time didn't feel right. Then one night, I felt pulled into a tiktok live. I was like I'm over this, exited out. But then a few minutes later, same tiktok live shows up again. I'm like fine. The dude is saying a lot of things that align with me.

The reading didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. He said the cycle had been closed, it was over. 8th house sun had moved on. He said I was still holding onto something that was preventing me from moving on, and he was right. I've been pushing it off for very very long. I don't want to give it up, but I think it's well past time.

Louise Glück, from “Blue Rotunda”, Averno

Chinese class • 中文课

这个学期，我有漂亮的汉子课。我们学习书法。

我喜欢汉子的历史。很有意思。篆书是我的最喜欢的。我还不知道，毕业的时候，我做什么？我还有几个学期。现在我不需要答案。但是… 我不要抱怨

i hate that my instincts always seem to be at odds with my desires