But Tim...he's Right, Dick Is Too Cute For His Own Good

What I think each batfamily member would get arrested for

Bruce Wayne: Public consumption of alcohol. It’s entirely deliberate, and he hasn’t actually swallowed a drop. He put just enough in his mouth to make his breath reek, then spat it out. He’s covering up the fact that Clark Kent was seen coming out of his window.

Dick Grayson: aggravated assault.

Jason Todd: a lot of people think he’d get arrested for murder, but there’s no way he’d let himself get caught like that, not as Jason. He’d get arrested for threatening a police officer.

Tim Drake: at first, i thought he’d get arrested for tax evasion, but then I realized he would literally never get caught committing tax evasion. He’s either manslaughter or loitering, no in between.

Damian Wayne: Younger: assault with a deadly weapon. Older: Vandalism.

Duke Thomas: Disturbing the peace. No I will not be elaborating on that.

Cassandra Cain: She wouldn’t. Not that she wouldn’t commit a crime, she just wouldn’t get arrested.

Stephanie Brown: Littering. She started throwing glitter at things because she thought it would be funny.

Alfred Pennyworth: First degree murder.

I'm not gonna stop clowning on DC until they stop clowning on us

If no one has made this yet, here ya go:

birthday boy

does anyone want to be best friends that also live together and go on adventures together but like mundane adventures like ikea and target and also wants to lay our heads on each others shoulders when sleepy but also have separate bedrooms but also enjoy spending most of our free time together……. just me? ok

Jason Todd has a soft spot for stray animals. We all know Damian is the one running around and adopting every animal he can get his hands on and donating to all the animal shelters until they can go no-kill, but every stray animal Jason sees, he either feeds or brings to the shelter. Like he’s such a softie that way.

He doesn’t bring any of them home, worried about never being home and how to take care of such an innocent creature. That is, until one day a kitten screams at him while he’s in a stalemate with guns pointed at him. The kitten is not to be bothered. It starts crawling up his legs and chest, screaming to be pet. Eventually Nightwing shows up and helps him out the stalemate, but this kitten only stops screaming when Jason holds it and it’s so sweet and precious and innocent and, yes, Dick is laughing at him, but the kitten is all black except for a little white spot on his forehead. And the kitten is a little roughed up, but Jason is almost in tears, cradling it to his chest.

Anyway, he shows up back at y’all’s apartment in genuine tears, asking “can we keep it? please?”

The answer is obviously yes. He names it fucknut after it bites him when it’s hungry. You come up with the nickname “Fin” and that’s what y’all call the kitten in public.

One of the bats has to go undercover as a patient of a particularly suspect new and upcoming therapist. Bruce already has a backstory fleshed out and a cover identity, but that's no fun now is it.

Dick: Okay, the bat council is now in session. First things first-

Steph: I'm the realest.

Jason: Shut the fuck up.

Dick: No, no arguing. We're here on a MISSION.

Tim: That's right, a very important mission.

Dick: One of us has to go undercover as Dr. Hoffman's patient. But why? Why are we seeking therapy?

Tim: Wrong answers only. If any of you get too real, Dick can and will find you a real therapist.

Dick: And Tim, no superhero related answers. Bernard's PowerPoint nights give you too much of an advantage.

Tim: You're just jealous I know that Batman is actually a tulpa.

Jason: You shut the fuck up too.

---

Dick: Okay, I'll go first to get the obvious answer out of the way. I'm going because I'm secretly Batman, BUT I'm not here about that. I just have incredibly selective amnesia and can't remember the code to the Batmobile.

Jason: Oh that one's good. Let me think.

Steph: Hoffman is a man, right?

Dick: Right.

Steph: Easy, I'll claim womanly problems. Maybe get prescribed a vibrator.

Tim: *wheezes*

Dick: Ok Gotham's in the dark ages of psychology but not THAT much.

Steph: Spoilsport. Fine, I'm Batman's long lost twin sister.

Duke: Come on, we can't all go to therapy because of Batman.

Jason: I don't know, I feel like all of us should go to therapy because of Batman.

Cass: I'll go because I'm Batman.

Jason: I'd vote for you.

Duke: I think I would go because Metropolis isn't real.

Tim: Like, the whole city is-

Duke: It's a conspiracy. The government wants us to think there's this wonderful city where nothing bad ever happens and an actual alien from space saves the day. Tries to make us buy into some utopian bullshit.

Tim: Hoffman's just going to drive you there.

Duke: Ha! He's not getting ME to a secondary location. He might be in on it.

Steph: Compelling, definitely compelling. I nominate Duke's for first place.

Jason: Don't jump the gun.

Tim: Yeah, you haven't heard ours.

Steph: Well? Let's hear it then.

Tim: I'm an alien spy, sent here to study humans. Only I'm not doing well because I was taken in by rich people and they act weirder than me. I want to know what it means to be human, but whenever I look around all I see is how to make a good margarita. It makes me... sad.

Steph: That's no good. We said wrong answers only.

Jason: Solid four out of ten.

Tim: Fuck off.

Jason: I think I would go because I was convinced I was the second coming of Jesus which is all fine and good, but my whole family is Jewish so it's making things a little awkward at the dinner table.

Steph: You did come back from the dead.

Jason: I did and I'll tell him that. Took a little longer than three days this time, though.

Tim: Okay, I'll be honest. Jason and Duke's are the best.

Dick: Hold on- Damian, do you have an answer?

Damian: Of course. And not one so foolish.

Duke: Well?

Damian: Well, my whole family is comprised of vigilantes and I'm under a lot of stress to be one as well and continue the family tradition. I will of course swear him to secrecy and avoid naming any vigilantes by name.

Dick: ...

Jason: This is what I'm talking about. This is exactly what I'm-

Dick: Yes, okay. Game's over. All of you are getting psych referrals in your inbox by the morning.

Steph: What about-

Dick: Duke won.

We don’t throw tanks at our friends.

in conclusion : i have a crush

Jason “Drama Queen” Peter Todd at it again