Regulus Jokingly Claims He Can Fist Fight A Troll To A Stand Still Until A Troll Appears On Grounds And

do yourself a favor and read “Oh God, Not Again!” by Sarah1281

it is a harry potter fanfic from like 2009, 160k words, 50 chapters

basically, adult Harry accidentally goes back in time and wakes up on his 11th birthday again, but with all his memories of the future intact

(the way he travels back makes no sense whatsoever but it doesn’t really matter)

harry decides upon 3 goals:

fuck up as much shit as possible

make a shitload of money

save some lives or whatever

it is

H I L A R I O U S

his go-to explanation for how he knows what’s going to happen?

he has a psychic scar

(hermione is SO PISSED about this)

(neville’s like “either he’s psychic, or he’s the greatest conman alive”)

everyone just sort of assumes harry’s insane and he doesn’t do much to dispute this

harry also decides to make it his mission in life to LOSE the house cup every year

“snape is my sole ally”

he also goes out of his way to befriend neville, ginny, and luna earlier this time, so they’re part of the gang throughout and it’s great

even draco is a friend!

(kind of)

(when harry’s not spreading a rumor that draco’s the lovechild of narcissa and snape, anyway)

harry’s motivation for everything he does in this story is basically, “oh, this will be hilarious”

either that or, “it’s probably a tax deductible”

because the way lockhart is written in this story is also amazing and harry ends up teaming up with him to merchandise The Boy Who Lived so he can have cash to burn

(so he gets a LOT of shit done via bribes)

it gets to the point where harry is able to convince everyone that he’s not the heir of slytherin…. because if he was, he’d have found a way to make money off of it

and everyone’s like “yeah ok that checks out”

in this timeline, neville’s boggart isn’t snape…. it’s harry as the minister of magic

harry also decides to make sure cedric lives by quizzing him constantly on what to do if he ends up in a graveyard

harry: by the way, that reminds me – cedric. graveyard.

cedric, not even really listening: run like hell.

the sheer magnitude to which harry does not give a fuck in this timeline is truly awe-inspiring

he mouths off to everyone, and i mean everyone. lockhart, snape, the dursleys, malfoy, friggin’ voldemort

everyone is like “what… what the fuck, harry”

(though by the end of first year it’s more like “… *deep sigh* … fine.

snape is so angry

it’s fucking hysterical and just about everyone ends up better off

here’s the link

thank me later

do wizards ever need to buy things from non-wizards in a hurry

imagine going down tescos and dumbledore’s just in the bread aisle

Sirius would 1000% support regulus and his arsonist ways

Reg: “Siriiiiii! I’m bored!”

Si: “Well what do you wanna do?”

R: “I wanna make an explosion”

S: “...okay... how about we go on the roof and light some fireworks?”

R: “boooooriiiiing. Been there done that. I need something more exciting than that!”

S: “hooooow abooooout.... we light fireworks in the kitchen?”

R: “Y E S”

i love tiny arsonist feral reg

voldemort is the best kind of villain, because having a flair for the dramatic and going over the top with every scheme are some of his core character traits

Sirius: I do love my brother.

Sirius: All four feet of him.

Regulus: and I despise all 6 feet of you.

Sirius:. Adorable.

idk if anyone has mentioned these here, but my #1 regulus songs are twin size mattress / the front bottoms and trauma / NF

twin size mattress fits so welllll,,,i remember listening to it all the time

i vibe with ikea regulus so much (love that idea so much) but as a barista lemme just say regulus gives me major barista vibes. like he enjoys making drinks but also he wants to beat tf out certain customers. he also definitely complains about the music playing in cafe 24/7 and will hop on aux as soon as his boss leaves. he definitely drinks iced drinks all year round. and while some would say he drinks black iced coffee i would disagree. he definitely drinks iced lavender lattes with oat milk or cold brew with oat milk and vanilla.

regulus starts spelling peoples names wrong on purpose and starts to hate mainstream music with a passion

I've always had this version of Regulus in my head that's completely against most fandom perspective of him. Instead of being the calm collected or the scared little brother, I see him being a lot like Bellatrix. A child with crack head energy since the day he was born. Where Sirius holds back with cocky taunts Regulus runs head first screaming at the top of his lugs and his robes on fire that he himself set.

oh my god

crack head energy regulus + the flamethrower

guys

kakashi “chakra exhaustion” hatake