Fem&Men.

If anyone's wondering what they're eating—

Roman: Toaster waffles

Janus: He just unhinged his jaw (traumatizing Roman and Patton) and had a few whole raw eggs before leaving to not eat for a few weeks

Remus: Raw oats (just throwing back handfuls and sometimes not even chewing them, Patton is very concerned)

Patton: Cereal

Logan: Oatmeal (he offered to make Remus some out of politeness but he wasn't interested)

Virgil: Dry toast

(I feel it's important to emphasize that everyone is sitting at the table, even Remus, except Virgil, who is sitting on top of the fridge, munching on plain toast)

(Virgil's shooting Janus infuriatingly smug looks because whenever he tries to get on the fridge in the dark side, Janus swats him down with a broom, but he can't do that now haha take that Receipt)

Sides: *eating breakfast together*

School bus: *drives past*

Remus: *sees that it's empty*

Remus: This bus empty,

Remus, miming jerking a steering wheel to the side: SKEET

Remus: *continues eating breakfast*

Patton, the only one not used to this: ???

Folks, friends, y’all…. esk*mo is a slur. I understand a lot of people don’t know that, I don’t want to be a dick about it, but I’ve been seeing it in fics. Wanna write “esk*mo kisses”? Just say “nuzzled noses” or something.

I’m not here to call anybody out, it’s been in multiple fics, I’m not vague posting. This is just a psa. 👍🏻

Embarrassing Music #1

Roman, jamming out in his room:

HEY YEAH DONCHA KNOW

SOMEDAY YOU'RE GONNA HEAR US ON THE RADIO

HEY YEAH DONCHA KNOW

IT HAPPENS SO FAST THESE DAYS I GOTTA TAKE IT SLOW

ooOOOOOooooOOO—

Virgil, videoing from doorway: *snicker*

Roman: *abruptly looks over*

Virgil: Oh, no.

Camera footage: *shaking and blurry and vaguely shows Roman chasing him*

Roman, screeching: DELETE IT! DELETE IT RIGHT NOW!

Virgil: *terrified laughter*

Patton: (unbuttons polo one button more than usual because it's hot out)

Logan, completely straight-faced: Whore.

Patton:

Patton: (unbuttons the next button just to see what will happen)

'Daydream Mode' is when Roman has full creative control, right? So I'm just imagining like:

Remus, ranting to Janus: —as long as their beak fits through, the entire rest of them, because that's the only solid part, can squish through—

Remus: *suddenly collapses without warning*

Janus, flipping the page of his book unconcernedly: Someone must have turned on Daydream mode.

More beans: Acquired!

Patterns: cut

Colors: matched

Bois: pinned together

Reference boi: ready

Special eyes for the special boi: Ready

Accidentally Walking In On A Side In The Shower: Janus Version

(There is a see-through glass shower door unless otherwise specified)

Janus: Where'd you put my hat?

Roman, having hung a towel over the glass shower door, knowing this would happen: I don't know what you mean.

Janus: You know I can tell when you're lying, right?

Roman, smugly: Yep.

Janus: Where’d— oh, god, sorry— *sinks out*

Patton, blushing red from head to toe, whispering: Did that just happen?

Janus: Where— nope— *sinks out*

Logan: ?

Janus: Where’d Roman put my hat?

Virgil, invisible behind a black shower curtain: *hiss*

Janus: *hisses back*

Janus: Did Roman tell you where he put my hat?

Remus, for once not wearing clothes like a normal person: No. I still think he took my morning star.

Janus: Hm. *starts to sink out*

Remus: Wh— wait! Is that it?

Janus: This isn’t a porn, Remus. I asked you a question, now I leave.

Remus: It could be…

Janus: No. It literally can’t.

Remus, sighing: I saw it in the freezer.

Janus: Thank you.

Remus, getting a new idea: If you get it out now, it might take a minute to defrost.

Janus: You’re stubborn, you know that?

Remus: :(

Janus: I’ll be right back

Remus: :D

I feel like Roman asking for Thomas's permission to start daydream mode means he needs Thomas to start it, and Thomas hasn't ever given Remus that ability explicitly that we've seen (he did give Remus permission to explain himself for Forbidden Fruit so that could be Remus's 'daydream mode,' or it could be that he had so much creative control because he incapacitated Roman)

Also if before DWIT was Remus's 'daydream mode' I feel like that wouldn't make sense because that was an intrusive thought/dream and Thomas did the exact opposite of giving him permission to do that y'know, sometimes intrusive thoughts that bad just happen and it sucks

(Does that make any sense?)

(Also Forbidden Fruit 100% slaps)

'Daydream Mode' is when Roman has full creative control, right? So I'm just imagining like:

Remus, ranting to Janus: —as long as their beak fits through, the entire rest of them, because that's the only solid part, can squish through—

Remus: *suddenly collapses without warning*

Janus, flipping the page of his book unconcernedly: Someone must have turned on Daydream mode.

Eating Crofter's and yeah, I finally get Logan shoveling it in his mouth right from the jar, this shit SLAPS

(Quality addition right here. Also:)

Logan: Oh well, won't stop me from trying! *continues suffocating him*

Remus, proud of knowing something: Logan. I have a fact.

Logan, not looking up from his book: Proceed.

Remus: Male reindeers lose their antlers in the winter, while female reindeers don't. All of Santa's reindeers have antlers, meaning they're all female, but the media says they're men because they don't want a team of strong females depicted.

Logan: Or they aren't cis. Ever think about that?

Remus: Wait wha—

Logan: Maybe they're transgender. Don't be a bigot, Remus.

Remus: I'M NOT—

Remus: Wait—

Remus: Am I being a bigot???

Logan: I don't know, are you? You're assuming their gender aligns with their sex.

Remus: *now having a crisis*

Janus, walking past, unable to help it: So you could say they're... Transgendeer.

Logan, hopping up, beating Janus with a pillow: I'm trying to escape Patton's constant puns, goddamnit!