Littlecigs - Out Of Body

it hurts so much more to be so aware of my behavior. it’s like i know i’m toxic rn and overly emotional. but when i mention it people won’t believe my illness anymore.

just because i’m aware doesn’t mean i can turn it off. if anything, it just makes me feel twice as bad about the thing happening and my reaction to it.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Alice Feeney

1 of my love languages..

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be here

Having bpd really is like playing life on the hardest difficulty it has to offer. When you're upset, it's like grief. When you're mad, it's like fighting back the rage of a warrior. When you're numb, it's absolutely debilitatingly so, and when you're dissociated, it's like nothing on this planet, including yourself, exists or is even real anymore. It's a constant battle of fighting against your own body's extremely out of control instincts. It's not supposed to be this hard to simply interact with other human beings and yourself, is it?

I don't think I've ever met someone who feels the kind of bone deep soulless depression I've felt for most of my life. I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying part of me wishes there were someone I could talk to who actually understands how I'm feeling.

But that's selfish of me, right?

I wouldn't wish this on anyone