Littlecigs - Out Of Body

"Why are you so negative?"

Because growing up, nothing ever went right, so now I just expect things to go wrong. I expect abandonment, so I either cling on or push away, I expect things to not work out because that's what I've known. Whether it's a relationship, a goal, anything.

I also just have a severely low self-esteem that was consistently reinforced.

It's true that I can be positive when it comes to others' lives. I believe others can heal and become the best versions of themselves, I believe anyone else can deserve happiness and love. Me, on the other hand? Nah.

It's been literal years since I've put anything on here. I thought I was such hot shit posting my poetry. I promise I'm better now 😅

television graveyard (art by @cybervoidgirl on Twitter)

Having bpd really is like playing life on the hardest difficulty it has to offer. When you're upset, it's like grief. When you're mad, it's like fighting back the rage of a warrior. When you're numb, it's absolutely debilitatingly so, and when you're dissociated, it's like nothing on this planet, including yourself, exists or is even real anymore. It's a constant battle of fighting against your own body's extremely out of control instincts. It's not supposed to be this hard to simply interact with other human beings and yourself, is it?

une étape

silencieux

corps pressé contre le vent

sueur et larmes

qui est là? ils appellent

il n’y a pas de réponse

silencieux

gelé contre des arbres dansants

pourquoi moi? ils disent

mais ils sont un

et ils sont seuls

il n’y a pas de réponse

une étape

silencieux

(it’s not my first language so, apologies if the grammar is off slightly)

time is going too fast and I can’t keep up. the month seems to go by in a blink but the days are long. one day you wake up and realize a full month has passed, and you have nothing. you don’t have many memories, you don’t have the potential to do anything, and you don’t have many reasons to be here anymore.

I feel like I have no valid reason to complain about the direction my life is going in. I mean it's my fault right? Like in the end it's not really the mental illness that made me stop going to college and move away from my family. Like in the end those were decisions I made right? It doesn't matter that I was depressed and it doesn't matter that I've got impulse issues. In the end it was me who chose this.