I Was In A Thrift Shop The Other Day And They Were Playing The Most Unsettling Variations Of Normal Christmas

Anish, drawn in PS.

[Caption: A realistic digital painting of artist Anish Kapoor. Portrait is from the waist up. Anish Kapoor is wearing pink. His expression cannot be seen because there’s too much pink. The background is a confounding shade of pink that nobody likes.]

i was cleaning my room at home and i found a box my mom kept full of all my school work from when i was little. one of the things in there was this list from kindergarten. on the 100th day of school we did all these “100” themed activities and one of them was finishing the sentence, “i wish i had 100…” let me tell you, a genie would have a field day with all the vague as shit wishes we came up with. like little kids probably wish the most as an age group and yet they all suck at it. like, okay, katie wished for 100 dollars, right? but then sam comes in and she wished for 100 toonies. that’s 200 dollars! katie looks like a god damn idiot! but hold on because then jonathan wished for 100 monies, like, plural of money. so he wished for 100 different kinds of currency in any amount. that could be one american penny and then 99 penny equivalents or millions of dollars in euros and pounds and stuff. still, strange wish to leave open to interpretation. 

keane, now keane had a more sensible take on the money wish. keane wished for 100 pieces of gold. a timeless metal coveted by ancient and modern cultures alike. clearly he knew something we didn’t.

what else did people wish for? ronald wished for 100 toys. shannon, i shit you not, shannon wished for 100 “boxes to put my toys in.” ronald was basically wishing just to get on shannon’s level while she was just like, “give me a gift card to the container store.” looking through the list there’s a lot of weird one upping. like a lot of weird passive aggressive stuff. katie b wished for 100 dresses, melanie countered with 100 fancy dresses. like she wanted dresses too, but had to clarify just to make katie b feel like she had shit taste. me, i wished for 100, get this, cats. you could not pay me to take a cat today, i want nothing to do with cats. apparently in kindergarten i wanted an insane, borderline illegal number of them. i have a feeling i was making this wish to impress someone else, like you know when you pretended to like a band in high school to have something in common with your crush? this was like that only magic and more…allergenic. my friend connor wished for 100 kitty cats. little baby cats. kind of a dick move, right? like you know i’d end up with 100 weird old cats, 179 eyes between them, all on their deathbeds. andre wanted 100 cars at what, age 5? he wanted to open a used dealership and needed inventory. joanne wanted 100 presents, which is different than wanting 100 of something more specific. like a present is a personal thing someone gives to someone else. she basically wanted people to think of her and get her something nice. i wish i could track everyone down and do an updated list. oh man, you know what i’d say if someone wished for 100 kitty cats? i’d wish for 100 pregnant cats. that’s like 200-700 cats or something. dammit connor where are you.

all you cisphobes need to sit the fudge down

the “down with cis” bus assault is REAL and the horrible event was caught. on. film. you sjws need to stop spreading hate and cis prejudice because this is getting out of control!! hate breeds more hate and innocent people get hurt!

one of my main nicknames courtesy of my family is “emmy” and my uncle was like “what if you marry a guy named anthony whose nickname is tony then you’d be emmy and tony” 

and then “what if his last name was award”

and then my cousin put in “if you have a son you could name him oscar”

emmy, tony, and oscar award

my mom always throws old clothes that she has nothing to do with in my closet, and whenever i call her out on it, she says “i have never done that, all of the clothes in your closet are yours”

are you sure mom

are you sure these are my clothes

I present to you, literally my favorite yelp review at the SmartPet I used to work at. It’s called CLOSING for a reason people

support white boys who vape

support white boys who can’t vape because their dad’s took away their pens

SUPPORT. WHITE BOYS. WHO. VAPE

if i can get enough losers to do this with me, we can have like whatever the gothic lolitas do, tea parties?? but it can be a lan party and we’re all dressed like shit and blasting midi covers