-Benedict Smith, I Wish I Wrote The Way I Thought

Y’all know how truly devastating it would be to have a child you love but can never have a relationship with because your daughter is the result of an affair and you’re a fcking priest so it’s not like you can just drop everything. and slowly over time your mind fails you until one day by chance you get lost in Israel and come across what your mind hopes is an ANgeL that fcking exsanguinates you but then very kindly gives you its own blood in return that makes you young again. so naturally you package this thing up with bubble wrap and bring it home to revitalize your ailing lover as well as help out the failing community you served for decades ONLY for everything possible to go wrong and your daughter is murdered in front of you and all you end up gaining in the end is a short while to sit with the love of your youth and hold your dead child in your lap while you wait to die.

Pine Tree and Full Moon by Katsushika Hokusai (1848)

The Lie

You love her. You know you love her. Like you've never loved anyone else- anything else. She's so fucking lovable. Your heart swells at the sight of her, beats faster. Butterflies in your stomach. Euphoria tugs at the corners of your mouth. The room just lit up when she walked through that door. She's so fucking lovable.

But

"I love you too." There it is. The lie you knew would come. Of course it's a lie. How could she love you? How could something as dirty, as tainted, as sinful, as a lie come out of her mouth?

But

Of course it's a lie. She is so fucking lovable. She is easy to love. She doesn't take time to love. She doesn't take effort. Thought. Strength.

To love her is to breathe. The air filling your lungs, the adoration filling your heart- they're one in the same. To love her is to breathe. To live.

But

You. You are not so lovable. You are smoke in the air. To love you is to choke. To claw at your throat and gasp for air. For her.

You've suffocated others enough to know this. Of course it's a lie. How could she love you? How could anyone?

Not even you can.

MIDNIGHT MASS 2021 | cr. Mike Flanagan

The Handmaiden (2016) dir. Park Chan-wook

Untitled by Livid3lirium

MIDNIGHT MASS —  Book VII: Revelation

Weird choker with anatomical heart // UglinessWarehouse