──────⊱◈◈◈⊰────────────⊱◈◈◈⊰─────

I think millennials don’t want to have children right now because they’ve seen their mothers (baby boomers) make up for what they missed out on from becoming young parents. The ones I’ve seen have failed miserably at doing so.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as intuitive as I am. I literally notice everything, I feel the emotions of those around me. When something is really good I feel really good. When something is off, I can feel that energy before it even happens. Ignorance is truly bliss. I'm jealous of people who can live their lives in peace without noticing everything sometimes. This trait has helped me countless times, but it hurts me emotionally and makes my anxiety worse equally as much, if not more so. It's like being psychic. I can tell when someone is a good manipulator. I can tell when someone is being genuinely nice or when they're acting "nice" because I benefit them or when I have something they want. I see their behavior patterns, the best way to know what a person will do is based on their passed behavior (typically). I also have a really, really good memory. I wish I could just ignore my intuitiveness and not remember every little detail about everything. Shit, maybe I should be a crime detective or a lawyer or something where I could use these skills for good rather than just something that makes my brain stur, I don't know. Do any of you guys struggle with this, like to an extreme degree?

“But just because you’re strong and resilient doesn’t mean you never need someone to be there for you, to take care of you.”

— Tammara Webber

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

— Winston Churchill

Welcome Me

Lately I’ve found myself… lost.

I mean everyone has been in their own way over the past year and half. Been there, said that. 

But when I feel stuck…or lost..or wandering…it’s not good. Not that it’s great for anyone. I just tend to spiral.

I’m losing touch of what makes me happy and honestly maybe what’s even scarier to me is that I’m losing a sense of what I want. And I don’t mean in life. I’ve never had any answers to that question. But rather whenever I make a decision lately, no matter how small or large, it’s like I’m looking at myself from outside my body. It’s a stranger making that decision. 

Maybe thats imposter syndrome. I’ve heard the term thrown about a few times here and there. But I’m trying to walk away from labeling myself, those around me, and behaviors. I feel like we as a society are teetering on the edge of the toxic thought process: “If we label it, we understand it.” Right now, I’m not caring too much about the diagnosis and more about the symptoms. 

Interestingly enough, I just remembered a take on relationship communication that connects nicely to that thought process. They (@kyleleejenner on tiktok) said that “more often than not, when your girlfriend is sharing a problem with you she’s probably talking about an emotional one….what she is feeling about the problem is actually more important to her than the problem itself. Therefore listening to her feelings will solve the problem. She doesn’t want your practical solutions right now.”

I don’t necessarily care about the label or maybe even to the solutions right now. But I do care that I feel this way. I care that it feels like I’m someone I’m not. I care that I’m worrying about regretting decisions. I care that what I think I’m feeling is not really how I’m feeling. 

I’m hoping writing my feelings will help to acknowledge how I’m feeling or even to discover how I’m truly feeling. Next steps will come later.

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

In a world

it all came to a halt.

Unbreathing,

disrupted time,

it can no longer flow.

In this world

we are alone,

grasping,

pushing,

climbing—

falling—

Or are we?

Thus we wonder

“what is life?”

In my world

I begin clutching at my chest,

sheltering my heart,

wishing to live

one more day.

Here I hide,

running from what,

you say?

All.

All that breathes

while I cannot.

All that feels,

while I bear its weight.

All that smiles,

for I do not know how.

02/27/2021

It feels warm inside.

Like a boiling well that makes you feel fuzzy;

Its water ascends so as to reach the furthest parts of the body.

Its heaviness is counteracted by how lightweight the body feels.

It reminds me of the aftereffects of getting drunk.

I found this on Pinterest and am crying for some reason-

I'm the kind of person who likes to be by himself. To put a finer point on it, I'm the type of person who doesn't find it painful to be alone.

— Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running