Joonsdiiimple - (bon)anne

i'm alive *sadly*

I start school again, today. It's 2am AND I'M NOT SLEEPING.

The president had a conference yesterday and he removed our mid-term break, every teen in my country is like:

we're sad, i'm sad.

Minecraft and cartoon network kept me alive.

I'm avoiding social contact since I fucked up my self-steem AGAIN.

And I started wondering what will happen if my girlfriend notices me acting weird, she did last time and:(. I don't want to have a mental breakdown and tell her I have an eating disorder. I don't want tu destroy everything again. I want to be okay but I can't even keep myself okay.

(Day 31??? of quarantine: april 14)

INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS GO AWAY GO AWAY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

Hallucination that turned into a draft, possibly

save me cold brew chamomile tea. cold brew chamomile tea save me

And I oop-

Hi, i'm not so active here but I have notifications on to see my favorite blogs, and this morning I noticed that I wasn't getting notifications so I was like ¿¿

I opened the app and I had to log out and in again MY HEART- I WAS- idk, I thought my blog was terminated, oof.

Drink water or i'll go and make you drink water

whoops, i've been told that "it is not abuse 'cause is for your own good", the harm my parents did to me for my own good turned me in a traumatized child, with fear. Nobody who was physically abused as a child turned out okay.

being spanked is abuse

being slapped is abuse

being physically harmed or hit in any way by a person in power over you is abuse

being intimidated and terrified into thinking that they’ll hit you is abuse

being forced into state where you flinch when their tone of voice changes is abuse

being sure that you’re dead when they lift their hand is heavy psychological abuse

being hit with your own hand is abuse (abuser forcing your hand to strike your body)

feeling like you have to keep a happy face and pretend that everything is okay is abuse

feeling like you haven’t been hit enough and like you deserve more is abuse

having a person with power want to cause physical harm to when you have no way to defend yourself is abuse

controlling your reactions is abuse

demanding a different reaction after physical harm is abuse

demanding no fear, no anger, no bitterness, no symptoms after being hit is abuse

forbidding expression of pain and fear and anger is abuse

subtly letting you know that you can’t tell anyone about what they did is abuse and silencing technique

shaming you for hitting you is abuse

demanding that it’s your fault if you get traumatized by physical harm is abuse

claiming that it’s you who is violent if you resist or try to escape or fight back is abuse

if any of this was done to you: you have been abused

if this was done to you and you don’t think it was harmful: you are wrong

if you dare to comment “i was hit and i turned out okay”: nobody who thinks any of this is alright to do to a child has turned out okay

If I binge is a sin to god, but not for my mom

If I fast is a sin to my mom, but not for god

Ana's hell is waiting for me):

Goodnight

I ate way too much today.. Easter weekend… oh man…

A la gran puta con ese cerote whY DID HE DO THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIMMMMMMMMMMM WHY AM I SO MAD PLGPLGP

Im actually scared of what my mind does to me. Catastrophic thinking, telling me people i love hate me. I feel like I'm gonna go crazy somehow soon enough to see things come true.