Of Course, You Call Biden The Old Guy Who Needs A Nap, And There's Trump Sleeping Through His Court Trials

Okay, not quite. I was spot-on with what Guardians would make, but I really thought Turtles would drop faster. Also, that Expendables wouldn't completely bomb. Which is too bad; I was hoping they'd stick around long enough to make a genuinely satisfying entry. You know, with a story and some nice character work and a classic action sequence and maybe even, I don't know, living up to the title and giving its stars some good death scenes.

Box Office Prediction (August 15-17)

I know it’s a long shot, but I’m calling Guardians of the Galaxy to retake the number one spot this weekend, though it won’t be until the weekend actuals are released on Monday that we’ll know.

Read More

Who are the Anti-Stratfordians?

People who think Shakespeare wasn’t actually Shakespeare, but that ‘Shakespeare’ was a secret pseudonym for someone more important and better educated, like the Earl of Oxford. 

See also: imbeciles.

My latest cartoon for @GuardianBooks.

The first I ever watched of Firefly was seeing Serenity in the theater after a friend told me it was pretty much the greatest thing ever. (It was actually the first 'pure' Whedon I watched. I had seen Toy Story, Speed, Alien Resurrection, and Titan AE, but all of those are heavily filtered through other visions.)

Without having seen the show, I absolutely loved the movie; it's self-contained enough for the story to make sense, and sets up the characters with extraordinary efficiency. Of course it worked even better after catching up with the show, given that it follows through on a bunch of arcs there, but it holds together on its own extremely well.

It really does play a little more like a season finale with a huge budget than a movie; I don't think any of the show's charms are lost as a film in that case.

There's a movie, is the thing, where the Reavers are super-important. So.

I’ve heard they play a sizable role in the movie.

I’m honestly considering not watching Serenity. I’m loving the show, but I also love it as television - so much of what Firefly does well is done on the episodic level, to the extent that I can’t imagine that a tie-in movie - which are prone to trying to make the “definitive” take on a franchise - will do the series justice. I have to assume that “my Firefly" will basically be ignored in favor of trying to fit in as much of the iconography and answering as many of the unanswered questions (that I don’t particularly care about) as possible.

I mean, realistically, I’ll probably watch it, because I only have one episode of Firefly left and I want to squeeze out as much of this show as I possibly can, but I’m not optimistic.

my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this

look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit

motherfucking australia

While $7.25 is low, at least part of the issue is that in a lot of small towns or rural areas, it actually can be a livable wage. It’s easy, living in big cities, to forget how small towns work.

That’s, at least theoretically, why the national minimum wage tends to be pretty conservative; it’s trying to come up with a number that wouldn’t screw over small businesses in small towns. That’s not to say the number can’t be higher, but the necessary minimum wage to survive is substantially different in a metropolitan city than it is elsewhere. (and differs from city-to-city) So individual states and cities, in theory, should set their own minimums where they need to be for the area.

Theoretically.

A Vulcan named Stork works at the Terran adoption agency. Parents always request that he be the one to deliver their child to them.

Okay I know that Nick Cage is the Internet’s favorite movie lunatic but we really need to talk about Sam Neill

Like, sure, he’s more simmery-crazy than explody-face crazy but this motherfucker kook it up with the best of them.

Like, if all you know him from is Jurassic Park, just take the SIX INCH RETRACTABLE CLAW scene, multiply it by a thousand, and you get the rest of his career.

 Motherfucker was in a movie with Isabelle Adjani (The Queen of the movie lunatics) where she contorts herself into a miscarriage that makes her bleed from the ears and gives birth to a demon-fetus-doppelganger-monster and held his own.

He was scarier than any of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park…

Then there is this shit:

(Seriously, if you ever feel like watching the Omen series, you can skip Omen II and just go to Omen III because Sam motherfucking Neill. If you really have to know about Omen II — there is a bowl cut and some birds. That’s about it.)

The guy makes Malcolm McDowell look like Morgan Freeman.

(I just love how fucking pleased with himself he is)

In conclusion Sam Neill is an underrated mad genius thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Man, Ophelia gets even more screwed in this version.

Hamlet, Scooby-Doo Style

[This is one of the funniest, most brilliant damn things I’ve ever read.  It dates from very early Internet days and I thought it deserved resurrection to Le Tumble]

This recently discovered folio edition of “Hamlet” follows other known versions closely until Act V, Scene II, where it begins to diverge at line 232, as will be seen:

KING: …`Now the king drinks to Hamlet.’ Come, begin, And you the judges, bear a wary eye.

Trumpets sound. HAMLET and LAERTES take their stations

HAMLET: Come on, sir.

LAERTES: Come, my lord.

Enter FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, AND SCOOBY

DAPHNE: Wait!

SHAGGY: Stop the fight!

HAMLET and LAERTES put up their foils

KING: I like this not. Say wherefore you do speak?

FRED: Good lord, I pray thee, let thy anger wait. For we, in seeking clues, have found the truth Behind the strange events of latter days.

VELMA: The first clue came from Elsinore’s high walls, Where, so said Hamlet, Hamlet’s ghost did walk. Yet though the elder Hamlet met his death, And perforce hath been buried in the ground, ‘Tis yet true one would not expect a ghost To carry mud upon his spectral boots. Yet mud didst Shaggy and his faithful hound Espy, with footprints leading to a drop. This might, at first, indeed bespeak a ghost… Until, when I did seek for other answers, I found a great, wide cloth of deepest black Discarded in the moat of Elsinore. ‘Tis clear, the “ghost” used this to slow his fall While darkness rendered him invisible.

FRED: The second clue we found, my lord, was this.

KING: It seems to me a portrait of my brother In staine’d glass, that sunlight may shine through.

FRED: But see, my lord, when placed before a lantern–

KING: My brother’s ghost!

HAMLET: My father!

VELMA: Nay, his image.

FRED: In sooth, that image caught the Prince’s eye When he went to confront his lady mother. Nor did his sword pierce poor Polonius. For Hamlet’s blade did mark the castle wall Behind the rent made in the tapestry. Polonius was murdered by another. The knife which killed him entered from behind.

LAERTES: But who?

FRED: Indeed my lords, that you shall see.

HAMLET: And if this ghost was naught but light and air, Then what of that which I did touch and speak to?

The GHOST enters.

GHOST: Indeed, my son.

SHAGGY: Zoinks!

DAPHNE: Jenkies!

GHOST: Mark them not. Thou hast neglected duty far too long. Shall this, my murderer, live on unharmed? Must I remain forever unavenged?

SCOOBY and SHAGGY run away from the GHOST. SCOOBY, looking backward, runs into a tapestry, tearing it down. As a result, tapestries around the walls collapse, one surrounding the GHOST.

GHOST: What?

FRED: Good Osric, pray restrain that “ghost”, That we may reach the bottom of the matter. Now let us see who truly walked tonight.

FRED removes the helm and the disguise from the GHOST’S face.

ALL: Tis Fortinbras!

FRED: The valiant prince of Norway!

FORTINBRAS: Indeed it is, and curses on you all! This Hamlet’s father brought my own to death, And cost me all my rightful heritage. And so I killed this king, and hoped his son Would prove no obstacle to Norway’s crown. Then Claudius bethought himself the killer (As if one might be poisoned through the ear!) The brother, not the son, took Denmark’s throne, And held to Norway with a tighter grip. I swore an end to Denmark’s royal house. I spoke to Hamlet of his uncle’s crimes. Then killed Polonius to spark Laertes. This day, with poison’s aid, all might have died, And Denmark might have come to me as well As my beloved Norway and revenge. My scheme blinded them all, as if by fog But for these medd'ling kids and this their dog.

KING: The villain stands confessed. Now let us go. For much remains to us to be discussed. And suitable reward must needs be found For these, our young detectives and their hound.

EXEUNT OMNES. Copyright 1993 Michael S. Schiffer