I’ve Finished Sergio’s Route Recently And I’m Just AAAAAAAAAAA Which Can Be Translated As “where

“But just tonight maybe I’ll rest in peace…”

"Unascended" Astarion

Why I love the Spawn ending and why it's not "lesser"

Up until now, I've been lucky to stay on the Spawn-supportive side of the fandom, but yesterday, I stumbled upon some Ascendant-supportive interpretations, some of which surprised or even upset me. I want to make clear that my intention is not to point fingers here - I just want to work through my emotions and put the feeling into words, because, honestly, I felt a lot yesterday. Also, I think it's a great opportunity to share my own view: why I love his Spawn ending and think it is beautiful.

Let’s go through some points I’ve seen brought up:

"Unascended" Astarion

I’m not sure if this is a unified term for Spawn Astarion, but I’ve seen several posts refer to him as “Unascended.” That phrasing alone feels invalidating - as if he’s lesser or incomplete because he didn’t take the power offered. In a way, it echoes how Ascended Astarion refers to his former self, calling him pathetic.

But the Spawn ending isn’t about not ascending - it’s about reclaiming himself. This Astarion isn’t “less than.” He’s the same man they say they fell for, but now he’s free to grow, reflect, and choose who he wants to become.

"Miserable" Astarion

The moment when Astarion breaks down in tears after killing Cazador and then says he feels numb is mentioned a lot.

There’s a claim that it shows he’s miserable and regrets not ascending - in contrast to the Ascended version who laughs and says he feels alive.

But this interpretation completely misreads the moment. That breakdown isn’t weakness. It isn’t regret at having missed an opportunity. It’s emotional, cathartic release.

He just faced the man who controlled and tortured him for centuries, resisted over ultimate temptation with power, and chose to break the vicious cycle. He is finally free - not just to live to but grieve too.

Killing Cazador didn't erase or undo everything that happened, but it gave him space to feel it.

Up until now, survival was taking all the space, but now that the overpowering shadow of his former master is finally lifted, he feels empty, numb.

With that cry, Astarion releases the pain he was carrying for so long, mourning everything that was stolen from him, and feeling the weight of finally being free.

And there is this huge relief that it is finally over.

So he cries - and this is a perfectly natural and deeply human reaction. Crying isn't bad - it's a way to deal with strong emotions.

Meanwhile, the Ascended version laughs, high on power and control, - a very different kind of reaction.

“Depressed” Astarion

Some say that Astarion seems miserable or depressed in the Spawn ending. But what I see is the opposite: he’s calmer, more grounded, and more honest. They are concerned because he doesn’t constantly joke or flirt like before. But that version of Astarion - the flamboyant, seductive, constantly smirking version - was his mask. A performance he relied on over centuries to survive.

In the Spawn path, he still uses it from time to time - old habits die hard. But now, with Tav, he doesn’t need it. He’s safe enough to be real - to show vulnerability, to ask for connection, to speak softly and show doubt. Yes, his tone changes. He’s more serious, but that’s not sadness - it’s growth that shows in calm self-reflection.

That some interpret as a “loss of charm” is actually him finally lowering his defenses. He speaks softly, shows doubt, asks for real connection and allows himself to be seen. That’s vulnerability and real strength.

Well, of course, he can feel sad too. He needs time to process. And that's how the healing starts. It can't be a 100% nice and pleasant experience - it will be painful, ugly, even - but in a necessary, honest way, with shaking and tears. But you need to get through the thorns to reach the stars.

"Rejecting" Astarion

There’s a moment in the Spawn ending where Tav can offer to protect him now that he’s still a vampire spawn, and Astarion gently declines. I saw someone interpret this as a sign of distrust - that Astarion can’t forgive Tav for denying him the chance to walk in the sun, and that he’s pushing them away to protect himself.

Yes, Tav’s wording may come off a bit awkward - “I’ll protect you” - but I believe it is said out of love: a sincere attempt to comfort and reassure.

And Astarion’s reply is a gentle refusal. He accepts their care, but sets a new boundary. He doesn't seek to rely on someone strong anymore - he wants to be his own protector, because now he believes he is enough.

That’s the new strength he found in rejecting the stolen power promised by the Rite.

"Strong" Astarion

There’s an idea that the Ascended path gives Astarion power and confidence, while the Spawn path leaves him weak and miserable.

But that confidence? Try asking Ascended Astarion about his past - about Cazador. He snaps. He doesn’t want to talk. He lashes out.

Spawn Astarion, by contrast, can talk about it. He faces it, even when it hurts.

Ascended Astarion might have new powers, but inside, he is weaker than ever.

He might look invincible, might say all the pretty words about being in control, but he’s emotionally cut off. He’s angry, reactive, guarded. He doesn’t want his past mentioned because it still owns him. Why? Because he became its embodiment, continuing the wicked cycle of power-seeking and domination.

The powers gave him control, but cost him everything else: his softness, his openness, his ability to grow. He becomes what he used to hate, and that’s not freedom - that’s entrapment by another name.

I think the tragedy is that Ascended Astarion no longer believes in love or trust - only in power, and the illusion of safety it brings.

In contrast, Spawn Astarion chooses trust: in himself, in Tav, in friendship, in this world. He chooses life, with all its mess and uncertainty.

Yes, he has limitations as a spawn. But don't we all have them, one way or another? These limitations don't make us less valuable. And yes, he mourns them, mourns the sunlight and everything else that was stolen from him. And that's human. But it doesn't mean he regrets his choice. He embraces what he can have: love, freedom, real connection, the chance to shape his own path.

And it is very brave to learn to face your shadows and work through them, so they won't hold you back or make you feel bad about yourself. It can make one stronger and more compassionate toward other people's weaknesses. It reminds me of this quote that stuck with me when I saw it:

"Do you understand the violence it took to become this gentle?" (Nitya Prakash)

Astarion isn’t “perfect” in the Spawn ending. He’s still learning, still healing, still growing. But for the first time in his life, he’s doing it on his own terms. He is not rid of his wounds and uncertainty. The Ascended path is covering the scars with glamor and denial. But these scars don’t make Astarion someone less, they make him real. And his choice - to remain himself rather than become someone he used to hate - is strength, not loss.

The Ascended path closes its eyes on the inconvenient moments, unable to handle them. Believing that version of him is happy and content is doing the same - painting castles in the sky instead of looking at the radiant in its messiness truth.

"Humbled" Astarion

Another criticism I saw was that Astarion thanks Tav for being patient with him. And trusting him "when it was objectively stupid."

The argument was that he shouldn’t feel grateful for being “tolerated,” that this shows low self-worth and implies an unhealthy dynamic where love is conditional.

But loving someone “as they are” doesn’t mean you resist their growth. You can see someone’s potential and want this for them, but still cherish them in every stage of becoming. Patience in love isn’t about wanting to fix your loved one - it’s holding space for them while they are looking for their way to their better selves. It's about seeing someone with all their flaws and wounds and staying beside them anyway. Not closing your eyes and pretending everything is fine.

When Astarion says “thank you for being patient,” it’s not self-deprecation, it's recognition. It’s him saying: "I know I was difficult. And I’m so grateful you stayed."

Astarion was still discovering who he was. He believed in a cruel system, and it took time, trust, and care to step outside it. It’s a deeply vulnerable moment of acknowledging that he was in the process of relearning who he truly was, beyond what Cazador told him to be, shaking off centuries of trauma and manipulation. And it takes immense courage to face it.

So Tav’s patience is a form of love. A love that doesn’t rush him. That looks beyond a mask or performance. A love that quietly waits beside him until he’s ready. When Astarion says next that he feels “safe and seen”, it's everything. He’s not being humbled in the sense of being diminished or broken - he’s grounding himself.

Astarion gains a deeper understanding of himself - the freedom to feel everything fully and still keep going. That’s not being less. That’s becoming whole.

And yes - this humility is strength. A strength that the Ascended Astarion refused. He cannot grow, he's entraped, frozen in a performance of power, unable to confront or heal from the pain that shaped him into what he chose to become.

But Spawn Astarion can move forward. That’s why his “thank you for being patient” means something. Because he finally knows himself. Or at least starting to get to know himself. And he chooses to be loved as that man.

Conclusion

The tragedy of the Ascended path is that Astarion loses the one thing he fought so hard for: himself.

He doesn't believe in love anymore, only in power and control. He inherited the world that Cazador painted for him.

But the Spawn path is about choosing to live. To feel. To love.

Astarion chooses to leave the past behind and start again. To face uncertainty and shadows as himself, not as a vampire lord.

And hearing someone rob him of this, invalidate and pity for this choice... honestly? It hurts. And yes, I do feel angry about it.

I do try not to blame or disrespect people who see this so differently, but it doesn't mean I can't have emotions about this. So I needed to vent in the most civilized way possible.

Still, no one can take that from him, our Radiant Hopeful.

A cozy night at the camp 😌

*studying at Japanese language school*

*after a weekend of watching Pokémon*

*spacing out*

Sensei: nandaka...

Me: !

Inner voice + bg music + lights:

Nanda kanda iwaretara

Kotaete ageru ga yo no nasake

It’s been so long but I apparently forgot to post this one and since I’ve found it why not .-.

Facing Vampire Spawns

(7/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

(This part is less about analysis and more about how I personally approached this moment in my game, and the reasoning behind the choices I made. It isn't the only way, of course, but it felt right for Astarion and my Tav and the dynamic between them.)

There’s a moment when Cazador’s other vampire spawn appear, trying to capture Astarion and drag him back so their master can perform the Rite. They believe they’ll get to ascend too - but we know Cazador was lying.

At this stage in the story, Astarion still wants to perform the ritual himself - he doesn’t even want to hear anything against it. So when the spawns appear, he starts lying to them - saying that if they help him, they’ll get their revenge and live on, fully knowing the Rite would require their deaths.

There are two dialogue options Tav can choose in this moment:

(Persuasion) “Have you no heart, Astarion? You’re asking them to die for you.”

(Deception) “He’s free of Cazador’s command. You should follow him. He’ll save you.”

In theory, the first seems like the “right” option for a morally good Tav. But I didn’t like it - not here, not like this. It sounded too much like calling Astarion out in front of everyone, even after promising to support him. And sure enough, choosing that line raises approval with other companions… but lowers it with Astarion. He replies bitterly: “Don't look at me like that, I can't be who you want to see in me.”

We know he can, but he just doesn’t know that yet! And he is not ready either. Which is actually fair, because even though he's so sweet deep inside, he never hid from Tav how his own well-being was always a priority for him, from the beginning of their travel, and that he wanted to perform a ritual for himself.

(Isn’t it amazing how much he trusts them, never hiding his intentions and plans from Tav - when we clearly see that even the rest of their party disapprove?)

It's not even the first time Tav heard about his intentions, so bringing it up now feels less like a heartfelt plea and more like a tactical move to stop him - a betrayal, in his eyes, especially coming from someone he trusted. Which could be valid for a lawful good Tav, but it would also mean sacrificing the trust and understanding between them (not in the game, of course, you will just get a disapproval, but realistically it wouldn't pass without consequences).

I felt like discussing it and sharing your opinion was fairer to Astarion, that's why I went with the second option. Almost every other companion disapproved, but for me, that was the moment Tav showed they truly accepted Astarion as he was - in that moment. Not the person they hoped he would become. Just as he is.

So for me, it wasn't about deceiving the spawns, but about showing that Tav truly is on his side, without pushing him into something he wasn’t ready for yet. They don't try to fix or change Astarion - they are just there, grounding and patient, gently nudging him towards the light and believing in him. Respecting his autonomy and reminding him that there is more to him than survival instincts and revenge. Because Astarion can be a person who chooses kindness, but he needs to come to this realization himself.

Later, after the fight is over, you can have a private conversation. This is the time when he can feel safe and listen without being defensive. And Tav can softly raise that question: "Are you ready to sacrifice them?"

And now, indeed, Astarion is open to discuss it. He shrugs his shoulders, brushing it off - they are just vampire slaves. We talked about this in my previous post. He can’t put himself on the same level with them, it is too much: he is afraid to feel helpless again and he has to dehumanize them to be able to proceed with the rite.

When Tav asks if he doesn’t sympathize with those who share his plight, Astarion says that no one ever looked out for him. "You're the only one. Other people don't have a heart like you. You are you. No one is like that."

At first, for me, it sounded unrelated to the question. But it all kind of falls into place now. He is defensive here - probably because he understands how wrong it would be to sacrifice them. But he can't let himself think about it. He chooses to ignore the voice of sense, the voice of Tav advising him against the rite. He shuts himself down because he needs to do it - it promises everything he craved. Safety, freedom, perfect revenge. So he throws at Tav excuses, an attempt to justify and explain why:

This is the world he lives in. This is how things work. How he spent two centuries. What Cazador inflicted on him - be strong or be nothing. The one in power has the right to decide.

And Tav is an exception. A miracle, maybe. Something that wasn't supposed to happen but somehow did. But it doesn't change the rules.

When Tav says that the world can be kinder or that there will be others who care about him - approval rises even though he does not believe in it yet. But maybe he wants to.

It is a great detail how Astarion keeps saying this is also for Tav’s sake - while he is still desperately trying to grab at something that can guarantee his freedom. This might be just another excuse he is making to justify his ways, but for me, it does show the shift in him: Astarion is moving from a priority on self-preservation towards opening up to protecting someone else he cares about.

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Sooo impartial (￣▽￣;)

/wiping away a proud tear/

ps: I guess professor Sprout is not into sports? :D

Knowledge is power. Sometimes literally.

Astarion: Still, if nothing else, maybe I can beat Cazador to death with it (The Necromancy of Thay).

I laughed so much at this but it also reminded me of my own experience while solving the Balduran trials, in Wyrm’s Crossing dungeons.

Still, to this day, I have no idea whether I did everything right or it was not how you are supposed to solve this (please, don’t tell me!)

But Roanael, my Tav, was already so frustrated after the previous trials that in the Camber of Insight she just… threw the books at the shadows of their authors.

…And it worked.

Roanael: *throwing the book*

Astarion: I did say beating someone with a book might be an option… I just never thought you’d take it quite so literally.

Shadowheart: 🤦‍♀️

Lae’zel: *enjoying the show*

Gale: *would disapprove if he were there but fortunately he wasn’t*

His answer was less fun than the question ( =3=)

Wait... are we wearing the same stuff?? :0 Andre—

Ruoqiang adventures

*!novel spoilers!*

Yan Wushi:

you’re so beautiful, the kindest person in the whole world, please let me cherish and adore you for the rest of my life

Shen Qiao:

*cold sweat*

what’s wrong with him??

~~~~~

Yan Wushi:

*makes sarcastic remarks, blackmails Chen Gong, gets what he wanted, abandons everyone in a difficult situation and leaves without saying goodbye*

Murong Qin:

are you happy now?!

Shen Qiao:

*relieved*

oh, he feels better