I Can't Seem To Remember The Last Time I Dreamt, Yet Every Day Feels Like A Dream. I Wouldn't Want To
i can't seem to remember the last time i dreamt, yet every day feels like a dream. i wouldn't want to call it dissociation because my awareness denies me this pleasure; even though defining is limiting, sometimes i wonder how it feels to fit in a definition, without the ifs and the buts. human beings are paradoxical. she loves me, she loves me not, no, she loves me more than i can bear so i push her away and then feel guilty about being a deplorable being (or im just 16); i tell him i don't want him but i never know what i desire, so how can i be so sure? the day goes by, crying and wailing but a few words from her feel like a beam of light in a space darker than the ever consuming one inside me. the enormity of my desire disgusts me. but they always tell you to dream big and the moment you do, they ask you to put your foot on the ground because life's gruesome, we never get what we want. i position myself in front of the mirror, look in her eyes, at the crook of her neck, the stomach, the body she can't provide to. it is to say, that i've never been a natural and all i do is try but in reality perhaps, all i was, was a natural and i never did try. the biggest joke is, i don't remember being young at all, i was always this old, always aching, always decaying. maybe the real tragedy is having to let go what you never knew, what never was yours. you are fine. this is fine. and your life's a long line of fine.
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After work I went to my boyfriend’s mom’s apartment and she had prepared eggplant three different ways and while we were eating it w bread we heard a huge fight happening outside on the next street over so we went on the terrazzo and saw blue flashing lights but couldn’t tell if the vehicle was the ambulance or the carabinieri and I laughed when I realized that everyone else was outside outside on their terraces too and bf’s mom yelled down to her friend one floor below us like “Guilia, ma cosa succede?” Friend was like “Boh” then they talked back and forth while I thought about how it felt like a scene in an old Italian movie where everyone in the small town is watching your business from their windows. It really does happen like that. Then we drank espresso and talked for two hours inside and I lived my evening happily ever after
need to do math but this loneliness is all-consuming
“Our hearts were broken in the same places. That’s something like love, but maybe not quite the thing itself.”
— John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
May you be released from wanting things that aren’t meant for you.
on shame and yearning (pt.2)
“Time heals all wounds. But absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess it’s a little tricky. Emotions have a way of contradicting themselves.” - Captain Jonathan Archer, Star Trek Enterprise
<3
NIGHT DRIVE.
“I feel like some books should be labeled ‘This could save your life’ because in my most hopeless times they were the ones that kept me here. They were the ones that helped me regain my sanity, and they were the ones that made me feel like my suicidal thoughts will heal in time.”
— juansen dizon, On Bibliotherapy
Children aren’t considered mature enough to be responsible for their actions yet their actions in school determine most of their life
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