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how am I supposed to live my life after reading this?

You are my Sunshine | Alex Cabot x Casey Novak

Casey and Alex are married and trying to hold onto a sense of normal. But when Alex begins to withdraw, Casey’s world begins to crack at the edges. What starts as subtle changes spirals into something irreversible: a devastating diagnosis Alex has kept secret for months.

Hurt/ Comfort, angst without a happy ending major character death... 9k wc

AO3 link !

Please take care while reading. Contains themes of love, loss, and terminal illness that may be triggering for some.

The mornings were always the quietest part of their day. Before court filings and legal memos, before the clang of the city found its way through their windows, before the world asked too much of either of them. Casey woke first, as usual, padding barefoot across the kitchen floor in the faded yellow hoodie Alex always threatened to steal. The coffee machine gurgled to life as she pulled two mugs from the cabinet, setting one in its place on the counter without looking. She didn’t need to. Alex always used the dark blue one with the chip in the handle.

Alex appeared a few minutes later, wrapped in her robe, hair damp from the shower. There was a small hitch in her step as she crossed the room, subtle enough that someone else might have missed it. But Casey noticed. She always noticed. 

“You okay?” she asked, pouring coffee into the chipped mug. Alex nodded and smiled, brushing a kiss to Casey’s cheek. 

“Just slept funny,” she said, reaching for the sugar like she always did, three teaspoons even though she swore she liked it black.

It wasn’t the first time Alex had brushed something off lately. Two weeks ago, she’d come home late from arraignment and winced when she bent to take off her heels. Last weekend, she sat through an entire dinner with their friends gripping the edge of her chair like she was in pain. It was subtle at first, missed steps on the stairs, the way she rubbed her knee absently, how she started favoring her right leg when she thought no one was looking. She hadn’t complained, hadn’t said a word about it, but Casey could feel something was off.

Later that morning, as Casey prepped her opening statement for the day’s trial, she heard Alex moving around upstairs. Closet doors opened, drawers shut, footsteps muffled on the carpet. Then, silence. When Casey went to check on her, Alex was sitting on the edge of their bed, fully dressed, staring down at the floor like she’d forgotten what she’d come into the room to do. She looked up, smiled like nothing was wrong, and said she had a meeting uptown. Casey didn’t press her. She never wanted to be the person who pushed too hard.

Days passed, and the pain seemed to worsen. Alex began carrying icy hot packets in her purse and started taking ibuprofen with her coffee in the mornings. Casey offered to call her friend, a sports medicine doctor, just to rule out a nerve issue. Alex brushed her off with a laugh, saying it was probably from sitting too long at the office. “I’m not twenty-five anymore,” she said, trying to make it sound like a joke. Casey just smiled.

Alex started working later, coming home exhausted and quiet. She curled into bed without changing out of her suit. She stopped reading at night and started canceling plans. Casey took over groceries, errands, and the cat’s vet appointments. Small things, but they added up. And when she asked if something was wrong, Alex always gave the same answer. “I’m fine. Just tired. It’s nothing.”

She started coughing. Dry at first, occasional, barely more than a throat clear at night that Alex dismissed as seasonal allergies. The windows were open, and the city air was never kind to her. Casey offered to grab some Claritin from the pharmacy, but Alex said she already had some at work. She smiled when she said it, then turned her head to cough again.

The cough didn’t go away. It deepened, hollow and sharp, like it came from somewhere deeper than her lungs. Then came the night sweats—first once, then twice, then almost every night. Casey would wake to find Alex’s side of the bed soaked through, her body twisted in damp sheets, hair clinging to her temples. The first time it happened, Casey reached for her in a panic, only for Alex to murmur something unintelligible and roll away, too exhausted to care. The second time, Alex got up in the middle of the night and changed into dry clothes without saying anything. She barely opened her eyes. The third time, Casey woke to find Alex sitting on the edge of the bed in silence, wrapped in a towel, staring at nothing. Her hands were shaking. She said she was cold, but her skin was burning.

Alex stopped eating breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner. Food lost its appeal, she said. She felt bloated, nauseous, just not hungry. But her clothes started hanging differently, and the shadows under her eyes deepened. She took to drinking protein shakes in the morning, which she left half-finished on the counter. Casey noticed, of course, but Alex was always a little forgetful when she was under stress, and stress came with the job. That’s what Casey told herself as she rinsed out another barely touched glass and watched Alex sleep through an entire Saturday afternoon.

The stomach aches came next. Dull, low, always brushed off with a wince and a hand wave. “I ate too fast” became her new catchphrase, even when she hadn’t eaten at all. She started avoiding the stairs when she could. Casey once found her doubled over in the bathroom, her face pale and her arms gripping the tub so hard her knuckles were white. “It’s just a stomach bug,” she’d said breathlessly, swallowing back. She smiled through it like it didn’t feel like her body was turning traitor beneath her skin.

They stopped going out. No more Sunday brunches or wine on the balcony or long walks through Prospect Park. Casey chalked it up to work fatigue. Trials were draining and Alex had never been great about balancing rest with ambition. But it was more than that. Alex was fading, and Casey could feel it like a draft slipping through the walls of their home. She tried to tell herself she was imagining it. She tried to remember that Alex had always been tough, private, a little closed off when things got overwhelming. But some mornings, when Casey rolled over and looked at her wife’s sleeping face, drenched in sweat, hair limp against her forehead, arms curled protectively around herself, she felt an unshakable fear rising in her throat.

Still, Alex smiled. She kissed Casey goodbye in the mornings, still said “I love you” before bed. She still made coffee, even if she didn’t drink it. She still wore lipstick when she went to court, even if her skin was grayer than usual beneath the blush. Whatever was wrong, she wasn’t ready to admit it. 

Not to Casey. Not even to herself.

It was the missed appointment that finally tipped the balance. Insignificant on its own, but jarring in its inconsistency. Alex never missed doctor’s appointments. She kept her calendar obsessively organized, color-coded down to court dates, press briefings, and annual checkups. So when Casey came home early one afternoon to find the reminder card from Alex’s pcp still pinned to the fridge with the old magnet from their London trip untouched, something inside her tightened. The date had already passed.

She didn’t bring it up right away. Instead, she moved quietly, watching. It was easier than she wanted to admit. Alex seemed to live in half-light lately, shadows under her eyes, shoulders always tight. Her suits hung more loosely on her frame than they had just a month before. The tailored lines that once hugged her body now hung limp, and Casey noticed the way she avoided mirrors, changing in the bathroom with the door shut instead of pulling on her pajamas while chatting about her day.

One night, while Alex was in the shower, Casey went looking for toothpaste in the downstairs guest bathroom and found the drawer stuck. When she finally got it open, her eyes caught on a small zippered pouch tucked beneath a pile of travel-size shampoo bottles. Inside were three orange pill bottles. Two for anti-nausea medication, one for painkillers. All were recent. None had been mentioned. All were prescribed under the same reduced initials. A.C.

Casey stood there for a long time, one hand still gripping the edge of the drawer, her breath catching. The sound of the shower running upstairs felt impossibly far away. She closed the drawer slowly, gently, as if being too loud might set something irreversible in motion.

That night, they ate takeout on the couch. Pad Thai and spring rolls. Alex pushed her food around for a while before declaring she wasn’t hungry. Casey leaned in just enough to brush a hand over her arm. 

“You’ve barely touched anything this week,” she said softly. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Alex looked at her like she had rehearsed the answer a hundred times. Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “I’m fine, Case. Really. Work’s just been… a lot lately. I’m not sleeping well. But I’ll catch up this weekend. Promise.”

She leaned over and kissed Casey’s temple before setting her plate down, untouched. She curled up under the blanket like her bones ached. Casey let it go for the moment. But as she sat in the kitchen rinsing off two mostly full plates of food, she stared down at the sink and felt the kind of quiet that had nothing to do with peace settle around her chest like a weight.

That night, Alex kissed her longer than usual before falling asleep, like she was apologizing for something she hadn’t said yet.

***

They were supposed to meet Olivia and Elliot for brunch downtown, something casual and long overdue. Alex had seemed more alert that morning. Less pale. more herself. She even smiled when Casey handed her coffee, a real one this time, not the protein shake she barely touched anymore. 

“Maybe I’ll even order pancakes,” she giggled, tugging her hair into a low ponytail. Her eyes still looked tired, but her voice had that dry lilt Casey had always loved. For a moment, it was easy to believe they were fine.

They never made it out the door.

Casey had gone to grab her coat from the closet when she heard a crash. It wasn’t loud, just a muffled thud, the sound of something soft hitting wood. She turned on instinct, heart hammering, and sprinted back into the bedroom.

Alex was on the floor, crumpled beside the dresser, one hand braced against the hardwood, the other clutching her side. Her breathing was shallow, rapid. Her face had gone ghostly white, and sweat clung to her forehead.

“Alex—Jesus—Alex.” Casey was on the floor in seconds, hands on her, trying to lift her upright, trying to make sense of what was happening. Alex winced and shook her head, mouthing something Casey couldn’t make out. 

“You’re burning up,” Casey whispered, reaching to touch her cheek, and Alex flinched.

“I’m fine,” Alex murmured hoarsely, barely above a whisper.

“No, you’re not. You’re not fine.” Her voice cracked. “You just collapsed, Alex.”

Alex wouldn’t meet her eyes. She tried to sit up, limbs trembling with the effort, and Casey steadied her, heart pounding. “Let me call an ambulance—please—”

“No,” Alex said, stronger this time. “Not… not yet. Just help me up.”

Casey wanted to fight her. She wanted to scream, to shake her and demand answers right there on the floor. But something about the way Alex gripped her arm like it was the only thing tethering her to the room made her swallow the panic rising in her throat.

She helped Alex to bed and got her water. Turned off the bedroom light even though it was barely noon. Sat on the edge of the mattress while Alex curled in on herself, one arm still cradling her side like something inside her was splintering.

She didn’t go to brunch. She texted Olivia a vague excuse, “Alex’s not feeling well, sorry, next weekend?” and then sat alone in the kitchen with the lights off and her untouched coffee cooling in her hands.

When Alex finally fell asleep, Casey slipped into the home office. She didn’t have a plan. Just a sick feeling that there was more to find.

The file drawer was unlocked. Inside, behind the tax folders and old case summaries, was a manila envelope marked insurance . Casey pulled it out, hands trembling. Inside were medical receipts. Imaging center bills. Oncology appointment summaries. There were names of specialists she didn’t recognize and diagnostic codes she didn’t understand. One word kept repeating: sarcoma .

Beneath it, she found more pill bottles. Stronger ones. Not hidden this time, just filed away like facts in a case she hadn’t been allowed to read. The paperwork wasn’t complete, no diagnosis letter, no treatment plan, but there was enough to shift the ground under her feet.

The paperwork was meticulous, of course. It always was with Alex. Everything labeled, tabbed, arranged by date. If Casey hadn’t been sick with fear, she might’ve found it impressive—might’ve made some dry comment about her wife’s compulsive organization habits. But now, as she sat cross-legged on the floor, documents spread around her like broken glass, it felt like sifting through a stranger’s life. Cold. Distant. Prepared.The receipts blurred together, dates and numbers meaningless against the thudding drumbeat of cancer cancer cancer .

She pulled out another folder—no markings at first glance. Just plain cream paper, thicker than the rest. She almost passed it over. Almost didn’t open it. But something stopped her. Maybe it was the weight of it, heavier than it should’ve been. Or maybe it was instinct.

Her thumb slipped under the flap. Inside, everything was neatly stacked. A manila envelope with Casey written across the front in familiar, looping cursive. Another labeled Mom and Dad . Both were sealed, untouched. Beneath them, clipped between two notarized forms, was a third document, printed, dated, signed.

Her eyes caught the words immediately. Do Not Resuscitate Order. She didn’t need to read the fine print. The name Alexandra Cabot leapt off the page in black ink, sharp and deliberate. The signature dated three weeks ago. Notarized. Witnessed. No room for doubt. No room for hope.

She read it once, then again, slower, her eyes refusing to blink as if keeping them open might stop the floor from disintegrating beneath her. The paper was cold in her hands.

Casey didn’t open the letters. She couldn’t. Her hands were already trembling, her stomach twisting violently, bile rising in her throat. She pressed a palm to her chest, trying to breathe, trying to ground herself in something, anything , other than the fact that Alex had already written her goodbye. Had done it in secret. Had made the choice to die quietly, alone, without giving Casey the chance to fight for her, with her, next to her.

A quiet moan tore itself from her mouth, somewhere between a sob and a gasp, and she folded forward, her arms hugging the envelopes to her chest like she could will them into nonexistence. Her knees drew up instinctively. She was no longer a prosecutor. No longer composed. No longer anything but a wife who had just learned the person she loved most had chosen not to tell her she was dying.

Casey pressed her palm against her mouth, trying to keep the sob down. The air in the room was thin. The shadows felt deeper, heavier. Every detail—the soft hum of the radiator, the smell of old paper, the faint city noise outside the window—taunted her with the knowledge that the world was still turning when hers had just stopped.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to shake Alex awake and demand the truth, force it out of her with trembling hands and all the grief she’d just been handed. But she didn’t. The weight of what she knew was too massive to move with anger alone.

She put everything back exactly as she found it, down to the creased flap and the placement of the folders. Her hands moved on autopilot. If Alex saw any disturbance, she would retreat deeper. And Casey, God , Casey wasn’t ready to confront her. Not yet. She couldn’t face that calm, practiced voice lying to her again. Not when she knew now what it was hiding.

She walked out of the office in silence. The world tilted. The hallway felt longer than usual.

In the bedroom, Alex was still asleep. Her face looked peaceful in a way that felt cruel now. Her hand lay over her stomach, twitching faintly with every shallow breath. Her face was pale, gaunt. Her wedding band glinted faintly in the afternoon light.

Casey stood in the doorway and watched her.

The apartment was still. Alex was propped up in bed with a book on her lap, glasses sliding slightly down the bridge of her nose. She looked up when Casey entered the room, offered a faint smile. “You didn’t have to do the dishes. I was going to—”

“Don’t,” Casey said.

The word came out too quiet. Not angry. Not even sharp. Just… hollow.

Alex blinked. “Case?”

Casey stepped forward slowly, hands at her sides. They were still trembling. She hadn’t stopped shaking since the office. Her pulse was a dull roar in her ears, and her throat burned with something unspeakable.

“You signed a DNR,” she said flatly. “And wrote me a goodbye letter.”

Alex froze.

“I found it. In the office.” Casey took a breath, shallow and uneven. “Were you planning to just die and leave me a goddamn note?” Her voice cracked at the end, high and raw and unforgiving.

Alex stared at her, color draining from her already pale face. She closed the book slowly, set it on the nightstand like she needed a shield. “You weren’t supposed to find that.”

Casey let out a laugh, bitter and sharp. “Well, I did. Between the painkillers you shoved in a drawer and the oncology bills you buried under tax returns, it was really just a matter of time, wasn’t it?”

“I wasn’t hiding it to hurt you—”

“Then what were you doing?” Casey’s voice rose again, sharp and desperate. “What is this, Alex? What the hell is this? You were just going to wither away in silence and leave me with a folded piece of paper and a funeral to plan?”

Alex opened her mouth. Closed it. Her hands twisted in the blanket, knuckles white.

Casey stepped closer, eyes burning, lips trembling. “You’re my wife. You don’t get to shut me out of this—of you —because it’s easier than watching me grieve in real time. You don’t get to take that choice from me.”

“I was trying to protect you.”

“Bullshit.”

The silence that followed was thick and suffocating. Casey could feel her heartbeat in her teeth. Her breath caught again, and when she spoke, her voice cracked open completely.

“Do you know what it felt like? Seeing my name on that envelope? Knowing you sat down and wrote out your last words to me without saying a single one out loud?”

Alex’s eyes were glassy now too, but she didn’t speak. Couldn’t.

Casey shook her head, tears sliding down her cheeks unchecked. “You were planning to die without me, Alex. You were planning to go through this alone like I’m some—some stranger you used to know.”

“I couldn’t let you watch me disappear.” Alex finally spoke. Her voice was fragile, cracking with every syllable. Her face was buried in her hands, and her body shook as though it was fighting a war it couldn’t win. “I’ve seen what this does to people, Casey. How they break watching someone they love fade away. I couldn’t let you... see me wasting away —see me become a ghost.”

Casey stood there, frozen, her breath coming in ragged bursts. She reached for her, instinctively, but stopped herself just short, as if she feared the touch would burn her. And it would. Everything burned.

Alex’s words continued, trembling, barely more than whispers between sobs.

“I wanted you to remember me before. Before all of this…” Her voice broke entirely. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you watching me go, piece by piece, until there was nothing left. You deserve more than that.”

Casey’s chest heaved with each breath, struggling to keep it together. But Alex’s words shattered her composure completely. She let the tears fall now, no more holding them back. Her heart was breaking, cracking open in ways she hadn’t known were possible.

Alex’s body convulsed with the weight of her sobs. It was ugly, desperate crying, the kind that seemed to come from somewhere deep and unreachable, a place where you couldn’t breathe until you let it all out. Alex’s shoulders shook violently, and she curled into herself as if she could disappear into the mattress.

The sight of her so small and broken pulled something loose in Casey. She moved forward in a rush, desperate, grabbing Alex’s shoulders with both hands, her grip tight enough to anchor them both in the storm of grief.

“No,” Casey choked out. “ No. ” Her voice was fierce, raw, almost unrecognizable. “I married you. I chose this, Alex. Don’t take that away from me.”

Alex flinched at the force of Casey’s words, looking up at her with eyes so full of pain, of guilt, of something far too heavy to hold. And then, she collapsed into Casey’s arms, her sobs coming in violent bursts that shook both of them.

Casey held her tightly, her own body trembling with the weight of everything she hadn’t known—everything Alex had kept hidden from her. “You don’t get to choose for me,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. “I chose you, and I will stand by you. I will fight for you. But you have to let me, Alex. You have to let me in. ”

Alex’s arms wrapped around Casey’s waist, pulling her in closer as if trying to hold on to the last sliver of herself, of them. Her voice was barely a rasp as she spoke, thick with tears. “I didn’t want to make you suffer.”

“I would have suffered with you, Alex. ” Casey’s words were fierce now, desperate in the quiet room. “I would have stayed. Always. I’m not going anywhere.”

The following morning, she marched into the kitchen with purpose. Alex was sitting at the table, her hands wrapped around a mug of coffee, her face pale but still holding the calm, composed mask she wore so well. She didn’t look up when Casey entered. She hadn’t looked at her much since the argument, and Casey felt a knot of frustration tighten in her chest.

“You’re going to every treatment from now on,” Casey said, her voice firm, unyielding. “No more hiding this from me. No more pretending.”

Alex blinked, her gaze flickering up at Casey, but there was no response. Just that same tired look: the one that said she was done, the one that said she didn’t want to argue anymore. The one that said she was already bracing for the inevitable.

“I’m coming with you,” Casey repeated, taking a step closer, her words relentless. 

“Every appointment. Every round of chemo. I’m not staying home pretending this isn’t happening. You don’t get to make that choice for me anymore.”

Alex opened her mouth to protest, but before she could speak, Casey pulled a folder from the counter. The one she had found the night before. Her fingers trembled with a mix of anger and heartbreak, but she didn’t hesitate.

She ripped the paper in half, then in half again, the sound sharp in the quiet room.

The DNR fell to the floor, pieces scattered like the fragile hope she had left. She didn’t look at it. Didn’t need to. Her eyes were fixed on Alex, who had gone completely still, her face frozen in a mixture of shock and helplessness.

Casey’s breath was ragged as she knelt down to gather the torn fragments. She shoved them into a trash can, too forcefully, her hands shaking with rage. “I can’t make you fight this, Alex. But I can be right there beside you while you do. And I won’t let you give up.”

“I signed it because I didn’t want to hurt you,” Alex said, her voice small, quiet. She didn’t raise her eyes, her hands still holding the mug in front of her like some kind of shield.

“You’re not hurting me, Alex,” Casey responded fiercely, her voice breaking at the end, emotion thick in her throat. “You’re making me watch you die while you push me away. You’re making the decision for me before I even have a chance to be there.”

Alex’s eyes closed slowly, and she let out a ragged sigh. “You don’t know what it’s like to—”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare.” Casey’s voice was sharp as she cut Alex off. She moved closer, standing right in front of her now. 

“You’re not doing this alone, no matter how hard you try to push me away. I’m not leaving. I’m not giving up on you. And I’m not going to stand by and watch you make decisions about our life like it’s yours to handle on your own.”

The air between them crackled with tension. For a moment, there was nothing but silence. Alex finally looked up at her, eyes filled with an exhaustion Casey had never seen before. The weight of what was happening pressed down on her, and for the first time, Casey could see the bone-deep weariness in Alex’s expression. The way the fight had slowly drained from her over the past few weeks. The way she was slowly fading.

But Casey refused to look away. She couldn’t.

“I love you,” she said, her voice barely a whisper, but firm with everything that she had. “I choose you. Let me be there for you, Alex. Let me help carry this with you.”

Alex’s shoulders sagged, her head dropping as if the world had suddenly become too much. “I don’t want you to watch me die.”

“I already am, ” Casey said softly. She knelt in front of Alex, cupping her face with both hands, making Alex meet her eyes. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

Alex closed her eyes, letting out a breath that trembled. The fight had gone out of her for the moment. The DNR was gone. The decision had been made, even if Casey couldn’t override the legal document. The choice had been taken from her, but she knew one thing for sure: she was not letting Alex go through this alone.

***

Alex’s fall had come out of nowhere. One moment, she was standing in the hallway of their apartment, reaching for a book on the top shelf, the next, she was crumpling to the ground, her body slamming against the floor with an awful crack.

Casey had been in the kitchen when it happened, rushing to Alex’s side the moment she heard the sound of her name gasped through labored breaths. She had rushed her to the hospital, her heart pounding so hard it felt like it might break free from her chest.

But now, a week later, Alex was still in the hospital, her condition only worsening. They had found more complications. The fall had broken her wrist, but the pain in her ribs had grown unbearable as the days wore on. She was coughing more now, and every breath seemed harder than the last. The doctors were working tirelessly to manage her pain and administer the treatments, but the fear that she might not make it through this remained thick in the air.

And Casey? Casey hadn’t left her side. Not for a single moment.

It was late, well past midnight, and the hospital room was quiet, save for the faint beeping of the monitors and the occasional sound of footsteps in the hallway. Alex lay in the hospital bed, her face pale and drawn, eyes closed but clearly awake. Casey sat beside her, her fingers gently tracing the back of Alex’s hand, her thumb brushing over the pulse point in her wrist. The touch was tender, almost reverent. She had learned in these past few weeks how much she took for granted. The little things. The way Alex would make her coffee in the mornings. The way she smiled when she saw Casey walk into the room. The way she would reach for her hand without thinking, just because.

Now, there was only the stillness of the hospital room. Casey’s fingers didn’t leave Alex’s skin. She wouldn’t let them. She couldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” Alex’s voice broke the silence, rough and weak. Her eyes fluttered open, and she turned her head slowly toward Casey, her expression a mix of exhaustion and vulnerability. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Casey squeezed her hand, her heart aching. “You didn’t scare me. You woke me up, Alex.”

Alex’s eyes softened for a moment, but she quickly turned her face away, trying to hide the tears that threatened to spill. Casey noticed everything, every little shift in her posture, the way Alex’s body clenched when the pain hit, the way she struggled to keep it together, as though it was her responsibility to protect Casey from the inevitable.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Alex whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke. “I don’t know how to ask you to stay... through all of this. It’s too much. I’m too much.”

Casey shook her head, brushing the hair from Alex’s face with the gentleness that had become second nature. “You’re not too much, Alex. You never have been.”

“I’m all broken,” Alex continued, her voice almost a whisper now, as though she was afraid the words would be too heavy to say aloud. “You deserve someone whole.”

“No,” Casey said firmly, her voice thick with emotion. “I don’t want anyone else. I want you. I always have. And I’m not leaving you, not through any of this.”

Alex closed her eyes, the tears slipping free now, hot and silent, slipping down her face. Casey reached up, cupping Alex’s face in both hands, lifting her chin gently. Her heart broke with every tear she saw, but she refused to look away.

“I don’t want to leave you,” Alex whispered, barely audible. “I’m scared, Casey. I’m so scared.”

“I know,” Casey replied, her voice soft but steady. “I’m scared too, but I’m right here. Every second. You don’t have to be scared alone. Not anymore.”

For a long time, they stayed like that. The machines beeped softly, the room bathed in the soft glow of the nightlights. Casey didn’t let go of Alex’s hand. She didn’t dare. She stayed there for every painful moment through the quiet nights and the tests and the treatments, through the quiet moments of terror when Alex’s body seemed to fight back against the disease. But Casey stayed, unwavering, her love for Alex only deepening with each passing second.

The improvement in Alex’s condition was marginal at best. The chemo had begun to show a flicker of progress. Her pain was more manageable, her fever finally broke, but her body still seemed fragile. Fighting. The doctors had said it might be a remission, but everyone in the room knew that even the faintest glimmer of hope was just that. Faint.

Casey had been by Alex’s side through it all, and the weight of the endless days in the hospital, the slow march of time where progress came in incremental steps, had begun to take its toll on her. The quiet hours spent in the sterile, monotonous environment had started to wear down her usual tough exterior. She could feel the cracks beginning to form, the mask of calm she wore starting to fracture.

One night, as she watched Alex sleep, her chest rising and falling with each labored breath, her face pale but softened by the faintest hint of relief, Casey felt a wave of exhaustion crash over her. Her shoulders slumped, the burden of everything pressing down on her, and before she could stop it, a sob broke free from her throat, too sharp and raw to be ignored.

She hadn’t realized she was crying until the tears started to fall, hot and uncontrollable. She had kept so much inside. So much fear, helplessness, the desperation to fix things, to make Alex better, to take away the pain. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t do anything. And it was that realization that shattered her. She curled up on the chair beside Alex’s bed, her body trembling. She wasn’t supposed to break like this. Not in front of Alex. She had been the strong one, the one who had promised Alex she wouldn’t leave, that she would be there through every dark moment. But now, in the quiet of the hospital room, Casey found herself utterly undone.

“Casey?” Alex’s voice was soft but filled with concern. She had woken, her eyes blinking open slowly, her hand reaching out to touch Casey’s shoulder. “Casey, what’s wrong?”

Casey shook her head, the tears falling faster now, her face hidden in her hands as if she could somehow stop the flood. 

“I can’t—” Her voice cracked, and she couldn’t finish the sentence. She couldn’t find the words to say what had been pressing on her chest for so long. “I can’t watch you… I can’t watch you die, Alex.”

Alex’s eyes softened, and she slowly shifted in the bed, wincing at the pain, but she pushed through it to sit up, her arms reaching for Casey. “Hey, come here,” she said gently, her voice still hoarse from the illness but steady enough to offer comfort. “Come here, baby.”

Casey hesitated for a moment, the weight of everything keeping her rooted in place, but then she let go of the chair and crawled onto the bed beside Alex. She curled into Alex’s arms like she had so many times before, letting the older woman’s warmth and presence surround her.

For a long time, neither of them spoke. Casey clung to her, her face buried in the crook of Alex’s neck, trying to put herself back together. The air between them was thick with unsaid words and unspoken fears. But there was something about the way Alex held her that made everything feel just a little more bearable.

Alex’s hand ran through Casey’s hair, the motion slow and soothing. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Casey,” she whispered, her voice low and comforting. “I’m right here. I promise.”

Casey’s sobs started to quiet, and she pulled back just enough to look at Alex, her red-rimmed eyes filled with an aching sadness. “How can you say that? How can you promise something like that when—”

Alex silenced her with a soft finger to her lips, the smile that appeared on her face only faint but sincere. “Because I know you, and I know we’re not done yet.” She took a deep breath, her eyes locking with Casey’s. “I know it’s not going to be easy. I know I’m sick. But I’m still here. And I’m still fighting. And I’m not doing it without you.”

Casey’s heart twisted in her chest, the weight of Alex’s words both a relief and a fresh wound. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, trying to steady her breathing.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Alex,” Casey whispered. “I don’t know how to keep watching you go through this.”

Alex’s fingers gently caressed the side of Casey’s face, a tender touch that made Casey’s chest tighten. “You don’t have to do this alone. We’re doing this together.”

And then, in a moment that felt almost surreal, Alex began to sing. Her voice was soft, raspy, but there was a warmth in it that made Casey’s breath catch. It was a lullaby from a different time, something simple, something pure. 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…” 

Alex’s voice cracked slightly, but she continued, the words slow and steady as she rocked Casey gently in her arms.

Casey closed her eyes, allowing herself to be swept up in the simplicity of the song. The pain didn’t go away, the uncertainty didn’t disappear, but in that moment, all she knew was that they were together.

“You make me happy when skies are gray…” 

Alex continued, her voice a little stronger now, and Casey pressed closer, resting her head against Alex’s chest, letting the warmth of the moment fill her. 

“You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you…”

Casey breathed in the words, letting them settle in her heart. There was so much they didn’t know, so much they couldn’t control, but they had this. They had each other.

“And please don’t take my sunshine away…”

When the song ended, there was a long silence between them, but it was different this time. There were no more tears, no more fear—just love.

“I won’t take your sunshine away,” Casey whispered, finally finding her voice again. “I’ll hold on to it for both of us.”

***

Alex’s condition had plateaued. There were moments of progress where her pain was slightly more manageable, the cough less frequent, but there were also the inevitable dips, the days where the weight of the cancer seemed to crush her all over again. The nights were the worst. The pain would surge at odd hours, and she would be left shivering, drenched in sweat, gasping for air, while the machines beeped in the background, relentless and cold.

But through it all, Casey was there. 

Tonight, as the sterile lights of the hospital room flickered dimly in the distance, Alex found herself unable to sleep. Her body was aching, her limbs heavy, and yet there was something more pressing, something beyond the physical pain that gnawed at her.

Casey had fallen asleep in the chair next to the bed, her head resting against the side of Alex’s. The stillness of the room was punctuated only by the quiet hum of the machines and the soft rise and fall of Casey’s breath. Alex watched her, the woman who had been her rock, her everything. She was so still, her face relaxed in sleep, but Alex could see the dark circles under her eyes, the weight of the constant worry that never left her.

Alex felt a pang in her chest. A deep ache that threatened to consume her. She couldn’t stand the thought of Casey carrying this burden, of watching her break under the weight of everything. Slowly, cautiously, Alex reached out, her fingers brushing against Casey’s hand. The touch was enough to stir Casey, who blinked her eyes open slowly, still half-asleep, her face scrunching as she adjusted to the dim light.

“Hey,” Alex murmured, her voice barely above a whisper.

Casey’s eyes flickered open completely at the sound of Alex’s voice, and she immediately shifted, her hand finding Alex’s. “Hey, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

Alex took a moment before answering, unsure how to put it into words. She wasn’t sure if she could explain it, even to herself. There was a weight pressing down on her, an unshakable sense of dread, and yet there was something else that she couldn’t name. She could feel Casey’s presence beside her, and it was the only thing keeping her tethered to reality.

“I’m okay,” Alex finally said, though the words felt hollow in her mouth. She wasn’t okay. She was far from it, but she wasn’t ready to face that just yet.

Casey didn’t press her. Instead, she squeezed Alex’s hand gently and shifted closer, her head now resting on the edge of the bed. The warmth of her body, the closeness of her presence, seemed to calm Alex in a way nothing else could.

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered suddenly, her voice heavy with the weight of things unsaid. “For making you go through all this. For… for putting you in this position.”

Casey’s hand tightened around hers, a firm reassurance that she was there. “Don’t say that,” she murmured softly. “Don’t apologize for being sick, Alex. You didn’t choose this. But I’m choosing to be here with you. Every step of the way.”

“I never wanted to be a burden,” Alex continued, her voice wavering. “I never wanted you to have to watch me fall apart. I don’t want to be the reason you—”

“Don’t,” Casey interrupted, her voice a little rough, but filled with an unwavering strength. “You’re not a burden. And I’m not going anywhere. Do you hear me? I love you, Alex. And I’m not leaving you. Ever.”

Alex’s chest tightened at the words. She didn’t know how to respond. There was nothing she could say that would make the situation better, that would ease the weight of what they were going through. But Casey had a way of making her feel seen, making her feel like she wasn’t alone in the dark.

Casey sat up slightly, her eyes scanning Alex’s face with a tenderness that made Alex’s heart ache. “You’re my sunshine, you know that? Even on the days when it’s hard to find the light. You’re my sunshine.”

Alex let out a soft laugh, the sound weak but genuine. “You’re not supposed to steal my line.”

Casey smiled, brushing her thumb over Alex’s hand in a slow, soothing motion. “I’m allowed to steal it if it’s for you.”

There was a pause before Alex spoke again, her voice quieter now. “I’m so scared, Casey. I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending like everything's okay.”

“You don’t have to pretend,” Casey said, her voice unwavering. “You don’t ever have to pretend with me. It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared too. But I’m not going anywhere.”

Alex’s eyes softened as she looked at Casey, her heart full of gratitude and sorrow all at once. She reached up, brushing the back of her hand against Casey’s cheek, the touch tender, full of emotion.

“Stay with me tonight,” Alex whispered, her voice small, fragile.

Casey’s heart clenched. “Always,” she said, her voice thick with emotion as she climbed into the bed beside Alex. She pulled the covers over them both, holding Alex close, as the two of them lay in the quiet of the night, letting the silence wrap around them like a blanket, offering comfort in its stillness.

The transformation was so sudden, so striking, that neither Alex nor Casey could fully process it at first. One day, Alex had been frail, drained, and sick, her body a shell of what it once was, the weight of her illness taking its toll on her every minute. But the next morning, she woke up feeling different. Stronger. The fog of exhaustion seemed to lift, if only slightly, and with it came a flicker of energy, of hope.

It wasn’t a dramatic shift. There was no miraculous recovery, no sudden return of perfect health. But for the first time in months, Alex could breathe without struggling, could sit up without wincing in pain. The ache in her bones wasn’t gone, but it was less intense. And it was enough.

Casey was the first to notice how Alex seemed to be able to sit up straighter in bed, how her eyes were clearer, less clouded with the constant fatigue. She was still pale, still fragile, but there was a spark in her that had been absent for too long.

“Good morning,” Casey said, her voice soft but full of cautious hope. She leaned down, kissing Alex’s forehead gently. “How do you feel?”

Alex took a moment, feeling the difference in her body. It wasn’t normal, not by any means. But it was better. 

“Better,” she whispered, her voice hushed as though saying it out loud would make it disappear.

Casey’s heart soared at the word, a flutter of hope filling the pit of her stomach. She had been so used to the daily battles, the constant worry, that this sudden shift, albeit small, felt like a gift.

“We’ll take it slow,” Casey said, her voice tender, though she couldn’t completely hide the excitement that was creeping in. “Let’s get you some breakfast. Maybe go outside for a little while. Just a walk, okay?”

Alex nodded slowly, her eyes brightening with something that felt almost like excitement. “I think I can handle that.”

Casey stood up, quickly retrieving a blanket and draping it over Alex’s legs, covering the cold air that still clung to her body. She moved around with a newfound energy as she prepared for what had once seemed like a distant, impossible possibility—a day outside. A day where Alex could feel like herself again, if only for a moment.

It had become a routine in their lives to cling to small joys and moments of light in the midst of the darkness. But today, as Casey wheeled Alex through the park, it felt different. The air was crisp, the sky a pale blue, with the sun shining down just enough to warm their faces. The park was quiet, almost peaceful, with only a few joggers and dog walkers scattered across the walking path.

Alex, who had spent so many days confined to a hospital bed or the apartment they shared, now found herself taking in the world again. The scent of fresh grass, the sound of birds overhead, the soft rustle of leaves in the breeze. It was all so alive, so vibrant, and she drank it in as if it was her first taste of life in months. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed the outside world until now.

Casey pushed her wheelchair gently along the winding path, her hands warm on the handles, her gaze occasionally flickering to Alex with a soft smile. It was a smile that Alex had missed, the one that carried warmth and relief instead of worry.

“I missed this,” Alex said softly, her voice barely audible as she looked around at the park, her eyes wide and almost childlike in wonder.

“I missed you like this,” Casey replied, her tone teasing but full of love. “You know, not falling asleep after two bites of food.”

Alex laughed softly, the sound light and true, something that had been absent for far too long. The laughter felt like a promise, a small piece of normalcy returning to their fractured lives. “I don’t think I’ve ever had the energy to complain about breakfast before.”

Casey smiled warmly, leaning down to brush a lock of hair away from Alex’s face. “Well, it’s your turn now. I’m giving you a full breakfast. No more of that hospital food crap.”

Alex rolled her eyes, but there was a glint of amusement in her gaze. “You know, I really missed your over-the-top breakfasts,” she said. “You always made everything feel like a celebration, even when there wasn’t anything to celebrate.”

Casey chuckled softly, pushing the wheelchair until they reached a park bench under the shade of a large oak tree. She stopped and carefully helped Alex out of the chair, guiding her to sit beside her on the bench. Alex was still weak, but the effort of simply being outside seemed to breathe some life back into her. They sat in silence for a moment, just breathing in the tranquility of the park.

Casey unpacked the breakfast she had prepared—a basket full of fresh fruit, scrambled eggs, pancakes, and coffee in a thermos. She handed Alex a plate, watching her closely, her heart in her throat as she waited for Alex’s response.

Alex’s fingers trembled slightly as she took the plate, but she managed a small, contented smile as she looked up at Casey. “I don’t know how you do it,” she whispered. “How you keep holding me up.”

Casey looked at her, her heart swelling with a mixture of love and sorrow. “You don’t have to thank me for this,” she said softly. “You’re worth it. You’ve always been worth it.”

Alex’s eyes softened as she looked at Casey, her heart full in a way she hadn’t felt in so long. “I’ve always loved you,” Alex said, her voice breaking slightly with the weight of the words. “Even when I couldn’t say it, even when I was too afraid to let myself feel it, I always loved you.”

Casey’s breath hitched in her throat. She reached for Alex’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “I know. And I’ve always loved you, Alex. Always.”

The moment was quiet, the soft sounds of the park surrounding them, but it was enough. It was a peace they had both desperately needed—a reminder that, even in the midst of all the pain and the uncertainty, they still had each other.

They sat there for a while, eating their breakfast, the world continuing on around them. It wasn’t a perfect moment. It wasn’t the end of their journey, but for the first time in so long, Casey felt like they were on the right path again. They were together. And in that moment, that was all that mattered.

***

author's note

it's about to get really sad. leave now and pretend they live happily ever after. or don't.

***

Months had passed since Alex had shown any signs of improvement. Despite the brief moments of clarity, the hope that had once surged through both of them faded quietly as Alex’s condition worsened. It was slow at first—just a dip in her energy levels, a few more days spent in bed—but then the decline was unmistakable, relentless. The doctors had said there was nothing more they could do. Alex had chosen to stop the treatments, to spend her last days at home, surrounded by the people who loved her most.

Casey had been there through it all. There was no leaving her side, no matter how hard it got. She had kept the promise she made to Alex to stay with her until the end. And now, as the world grew quieter around them, she sat in the dimly lit room, her hand clasped around the letter Alex had written.

The letter was simple, written in Alex’s neat handwriting, the words familiar but now carrying an unbearable weight. It had been left for Casey in case she wasn’t there when Alex’s body finally gave in. Alex had known. She had always known that this day would come, that her body would give out before they could have everything they’d dreamed of. She had written about Casey’s strength, her love, her resilience, but there was one thing Alex couldn’t write: goodbye .

Casey had been waiting for the end, but it hadn’t been any easier than she’d imagined. When Alex’s body finally gave up, when her last breath left her lips, Casey had held her close, whispering the words she hadn’t had a chance to say. But now, with the letter clutched in her shaking hands, she finally let herself cry.

She read it slowly, over and over again, unable to stop the tears from falling.

Casey,

I know I won’t be able to say this to your face, so I’ll say it here. I’m sorry for all the things I didn’t do. For all the things I didn’t say. But mostly, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be when you needed me the most.

I love you with everything I am. You were my home, my safe place. And I don’t want you to carry this pain for the rest of your life. I need you to go on, Casey. Live. Find peace again, even if it seems impossible right now.

I’ll always be with you. But you have to let me go.

Forever yours,Alex

P.S. don’t spoil the cat too much. 1 treat per day.  

The letter slipped from her hands, the words blurring as her tears hit the paper. Casey’s sobs were raw, uncontrollable. She pressed her face into the pillow where Alex had once laid, inhaling the last remnants of Alex’s scent, but it only made the ache in her chest grow.

Her fingers reached for the delicate chain around her neck, the one that held Alex’s wedding ring. She refused to take it off, no matter how many times people told her she needed to move on, to let go. But she couldn’t. Not when Alex had been everything.

Sobbing into the pillow, Casey couldn’t stop the memories from rushing in. The way Alex had laughed at her ridiculous attempts to cook, the way her smile had been everything, the quiet nights when they had held each other, not needing to speak. It was all gone now.

But even in her grief, even as her heart broke with every breath she took, Casey whispered the words Alex had always loved, the words she had promised Alex they would always share.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray..."

Her voice cracked with the weight of the sorrow, but she kept going, softly singing the song that had been theirs since the beginning, the melody laced with love and loss.

"You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away..."

As Casey’s sobs grew louder, the weight of the loss sinking deeper with every note, she held the ring tighter, the one thing she had left of Alex. And for a moment, just a moment, she could feel her—feel Alex in the air, in the space around her.

But when the song ended, Casey’s heart shattered all over again, the silence of the room deafening in its finality.

have nothing to say except THEY ARE SO IN LOVE.

not stephanie calling diane a pretty lady 🙂‍↔️

meow meow is sad :(

Naurr you just exposed me againnn but I couldn't deny it this time. But miss Polly? Are you sure you’re not down bad yourself as well

Miss Jane down bad ep2

not stephanie calling diane a pretty lady 🙂‍↔️

my angel

STEPHANIE MARCH as Cissy Hathaway JESSE STONE: NIGHT PASSAGE 2006 — dir. Robert Harmon

The Art of Planning (and How Love Ruins It). calex one shot.

SUMMARY: In which Alex overthinks gifts, Casey burns dinner, and love happens anyway.

Alex Cabot had built her career on being three steps ahead. In the courtroom, her reputation for meticulous preparation was legendary – defense attorneys visibly deflated when they saw her striding in, armed with perfectly organized files and arguments sharp enough to slice through even the most carefully constructed alibis. Her colleagues joked that she probably planned her grocery shopping with the same tactical precision she applied to cross-examinations.

They weren't entirely wrong.

But now, on a grey February afternoon that couldn't seem to decide between rain and snow, Manhattan's most formidable ADA sat in her corner office on the tenth floor, surrounded by the fruits of what could only be described as a gift-buying panic spiral.

The evidence of her unraveling was spread across her usually pristine desk: six presents – no, seven, if you counted the small box of artisanal chocolates she'd impulse-bought on her lunch break. Each item had seemed perfect in isolation, chosen with the kind of thoughtful consideration that spoke of hours spent analyzing casual conversations, filing away small details, noting the way Casey's eyes would linger on certain things in store windows during their weekend walks.

A leather-bound journal, smooth and elegant, because Casey once mentioned during a late-night conversation over take out and case files that she preferred writing things down by hand rather than typing them into her phone. "There's something about pen on paper," she'd said, absently twirling lo mein around her fork. "Like you're really connecting with your thoughts."

Next to it sat the first-edition copy of To Kill a Mockingbird, sourced from a rare bookstore in the Village that Alex had visited four times before committing to the purchase. She'd watched Casey's face light up whenever she referenced the book, had seen the worn paperback copy on her office shelf, its spine cracked from countless readings.

The cashmere throw blanket was folded into a perfect square, its soft grey material catching the winter light. That one had been easy – Casey was always stealing Alex's blanket during their movie nights, wrapping herself in it like a cocoon and claiming squatter's rights with a grin that made argument impossible. An adorable but exasperating habit.

A silver necklace, understated yet sophisticated, something that would look effortlessly perfect against the curve of Casey’s collarbone. Alex had spent an entire Saturday afternoon in Tiffany's, driving the sales associate slightly mad with her determination to find something that would suit Casey's understated style. Nothing flashy enough to draw attention in court, but beautiful enough to make her eyes sparkle when she caught her reflection.

The bottle of small-batch bourbon stood sentinel among the softer gifts, its amber contents promising warmth. Alex was ninety percent certain it was Casey's preferred brand – she'd seen her order it once at Forlini's after a particularly brutal case, but now doubt crept in. What if she'd remembered wrong?

And then there was the plush golden retriever, sitting there like a furry manifestation of Alex's complete loss of perspective. She blamed that one on the late-night conversation they'd had months ago, when Casey had joked about wanting a dog. It had been an offhand comment, something small, something inconsequential. And yet, somehow that had translated into Alex buying a stuffed animal like they were teenagers exchanging Valentine's gifts in high school.

But now? Now she was sitting here, staring at this ridiculous assortment of gifts, and none of it felt like the gift. The one that would say what she wanted it to say, what she hadn't quite figured out how to put into words yet.

She ran both hands through her hair, disheveling the perfect blonde waves she'd spent twenty minutes styling that morning. "What am I doing?"

Because Valentine’s Day was tonight, and for the first time in her life, Alex had no plan

The question hung in the air, unanswered. The gifts stared back at her, each one suddenly seeming inadequate, too much, or completely wrong for their first Valentine's Day together.

Their first Valentine's Day.

The thought sent another wave of anxiety through her chest. Because this wasn't just about gifts – this was about what they meant. About the way Casey had slowly but surely dismantled every careful wall Alex had built around her heart, not with battering rams or siege engines, but with crooked smiles and terrible puns and a kindness that seemed as natural as breathing.

She was so lost in her spiral of overthinking that the knock on her office door barely registered before it swung open.

"Alex—"

She jumped, her head snapping up to find Olivia Benson standing in her doorway, dark eyes taking in the gift shop display with growing amusement.

The silence stretched for one beat, two.

Then—

"Wow." Olivia's eyebrow arched with the precision of a master interrogator. "Are you—are you starting a side business I should know about?"

Alex let her head fall forward with a groan. "Go away."

"Let me guess," Olivia continued, ignoring the dismissal as she stepped fully into the office, closing the door behind her. "You have no idea what to give Casey?"

Alex straightened, crossing her arms. "I do have an idea. Several, actually."

Olivia gestured toward the overwhelming collection. "Clearly."

"It has to be perfect," Alex insisted, the words carrying more weight than she'd intended.

Olivia snorted, stepping further inside. "Alex, it’s Valentine’s Day, not a Supreme Court case."

"You don’t understand," Alex muttered, leaning back in her chair. "It has to be the gift. The one that shows her how much I—" She cut herself off, pressing her lips together.

Olivia’s smirk softened into something more knowing.

"Oh," she said, voice lighter. "I see what this is about."

Alex looked away, fixing her gaze on the bourbon bottle as if it held the answers.

"You know she's going to love whatever you give her, right? The woman looks at you like you hung the moon."

Alex sighed, removing her glasses to rub at her temples. "It doesn't feel right yet. None of it feels... enough."

"You do realize," Olivia said, perching on the edge of Alex's desk with familiar ease, "that Casey is probably driving herself just as crazy right now?"

Alex scoffed. "Casey? Freaking out? Olivia, she's the most laid-back person I've ever met. She wore Converse to court last week."

"Those were her backup shoes and you know it," Olivia countered. "Her heel broke on the courthouse steps. But trust me," her grin turned knowing, "when it comes to you? That woman is anything but laid-back."

Meanwhile, across town...

Casey Novak was indeed proving Olivia's point by pacing the length of her apartment, stress-eating her way through a heart-shaped box of chocolates that she'd bought for Alex but opened in a moment of weakness.

"I'm screwed," she announced to her audience of one, running her free hand through already-disheveled red hair. "Completely and utterly screwed."

John Munch, resident conspiracy theorist and unlikely relationship counselor, watched her from his spot on her worn leather couch. He'd shown up twenty minutes ago with case files that could have easily waited until tomorrow, fooling exactly no one about his real reasons for visiting.

"This is wildly entertaining," he commented, helping himself to one of the rapidly diminishing chocolates. "Like watching a rom-com in real time, but with more pacing and fewer musical montages."

"Munch," Casey groaned, flopping onto the couch beside him. "I had everything planned. The perfect reservation at that little Italian place she loves – the one where the owner still makes everything from his grandmother's recipes. And now? Now I have nothing. The pipe burst in their kitchen this morning, they're closed for at least a week, and every other decent restaurant in Manhattan has been booked solid for months."

"You could always cook something," Munch suggested, examining a chocolate before popping it into his mouth.

Casey turned to stare at him, green eyes wide with horror. "Have you met me? I burned instant ramen last week. Instant. Ramen."

"Ah," Munch nodded sagely. "Fair point."

Casey slumped further into the couch, staring at her ceiling as if it might offer solutions. "What do you get someone who color-codes their legal briefs and probably has a spreadsheet for organizing her sock drawer?"

"Something she doesn't know she wants yet," Munch offered, his voice carrying the kind of wisdom that came from decades of observing human nature – and several failed marriages of his own.

Casey sat up slowly, something shifting in her expression. "That's... actually helpful."

"Don't sound so surprised," Munch smirked. "I have my moments."

The ceiling fan spun lazily above them, stirring the winter-cold air. Casey's apartment was smaller than Alex's, cozier, with mismatched furniture and law books stacked on every available surface. Photos covered one wall – her family, her softball team, candid shots of the squad at various gatherings. And there, right in the center, a picture from the summer: Alex laughing at something off-camera, the setting sun turning her hair to gold, her guard completely down in a way few people ever got to see.

Casey's eyes fixed on that photo, and something settled in her chest. "Right," she said, standing up with sudden determination. "I need to go shopping."

Munch raised an eyebrow. "Now? It's almost five."

"Exactly," Casey grabbed her coat. "I have two hours before I'm supposed to be at Alex's. Plenty of time."

"For what?"

Casey grinned, an idea taking shape. "Something she doesn't know she wants yet."

By the time they met at Alex’s apartment, both of them were still very convinced they had somehow managed to ruin Valentine’s Day.

Alex's apartment occupied the corner of a pre-war building in the West Village, all high ceilings and hardwood floors and windows that caught the last rays of sunset. Usually, the space felt like a reflection of its owner – elegant, organized, everything in its proper place. But tonight, the familiar rooms held a different energy, charged with anticipation and the faint scent of... something burning.

Alex had eventually settled on giving Casey the book—plus the necklace, because she couldn’t decide—and Casey, in a moment of pure panic, had decided to cook.

As soon as Alex stepped into her apartment, an unusual noise pulled her toward the kitchen. The sight that met her stopped her cold.

Her immaculate kitchen – where she usually prepared nothing more complicated than coffee – had been transformed into what looked like the aftermath of a culinary war zone. Flour dusted the granite countertops like fresh snow. A pot of something that might have once been pasta sat abandoned in the sink. And in the middle of it all stood Casey Novak, wearing jeans and Alex's borrowed apron, staring at a slightly charred attempt at... something... with the same expression she usually reserved for particularly challenging cross-examinations.

"Casey?"

Casey jumped, nearly dropping the wooden spoon she was clutching like a lifeline. "Alex! Hi! You're early!"

Alex glanced at the antique wall clock – a gift from her grandmother – that hung between her windows. "It's seven."

"Exactly!" Casey nodded with the kind of desperate enthusiasm that suggested she was clinging to the last threads of a plan rapidly unraveling. "Early!"

Alex bit back a smile, taking in the complete picture: Casey's hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, a smudge of flour decorated her left cheek, and she had somehow managed to get tomato sauce on her forehead. She looked absolutely nothing like the polished ADA who could reduce defense attorneys to stammering messes, and absolutely everything like someone Alex wanted to kiss senseless.

"Casey," she said softly, stepping into the disaster zone that was her kitchen.

Casey's shoulders slumped. She ran a flour-dusted hand through her hair, adding to the general chaos. "Okay, so I had this really amazing dinner planned at Vincenzo's – you know, that little place where you always get the linguine with clams? But then their kitchen flooded, which, by the way, is definitely a conspiracy because who has a pipe burst on Valentine's Day? So I thought – how hard can cooking be? People do it every day. Children do it. I have multiple degrees. I once got a conviction with nothing but circumstantial evidence and a half-decent witness."

She gestured at the pot in the sink. "Turns out? Very hard. Cooking is very hard. And pasta is apparently a lot more complicated than 'boil water, add noodles.' Who knew?"

Alex stepped closer, examining the remnants of what appeared to be an attempt at marinara sauce. "You cooked for me?"

"Attempted to cook," Casey corrected, her voice carrying that particular mix of frustration and self-deprecating humor that Alex had fallen in love with months ago, even if she hadn't admitted it to herself at the time. "What you're looking at is less 'cooking' and more 'crime against Italian cuisine.'"

Alex's heart did something complicated in her chest. Because this was Casey – brilliant, passionate Casey who could argue constitutional law for hours but couldn't make coffee without detailed instructions – standing in her kitchen on Valentine's Day, having tried to cook dinner just because she knew Alex loved Italian food.

She reached out, brushing the flour from Casey's cheek with gentle fingers. "I love it."

Casey groaned. "You haven't even tasted it yet. Which, by the way, you're not going to, because I refuse to be responsible for giving you food poisoning on Valentine's Day."

Alex smirked. "Doesn't matter."

"You're just saying that because you brought me a present," Casey narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "and now you feel bad that I ruined dinner."

Alex hesitated, thinking of the collection of gifts she'd finally narrowed down to two. "...maybe."

Casey sighed dramatically, but her eyes were sparkling. "Fine. Let's see it. But first—" She reached for a dishtowel, attempting to clean some of the flour off her hands. "I should probably try to look less like I got into a fight with a bag of flour."

"I don't know," Alex mused, "I think it's a good look on you. Very... domestic."

Casey snorted. "Yeah, that's me. Domestic goddess." She gave up on the flour and turned to face Alex fully. "Okay, hit me with it. What perfectly thoughtful, absolutely perfect gift did Alexandra Cabot choose?"

Alex's confidence wavered slightly as she retrieved the carefully wrapped packages from where she'd left them in the living room. What if she'd overthought this? What if—

No. She was Alexandra Cabot. She did not second-guess herself.

(Except, apparently, when it came to Casey Novak.)

She handed over the first box, wrapped in simple silver paper. "This one first."

Casey took it carefully, as if it might explode. Her fingers traced the edges before finding the seam and unwrapping it with surprising delicacy for someone who usually attacked packaging like it had personally offended her.

The book's leather binding caught the light as she lifted it from its wrapping. Casey's breath caught audibly as she read the title, fingers hovering over the gilt lettering as if afraid to touch it.

"Alex..." Her voice was barely a whisper. "This is... is this..."

"First edition," Alex confirmed softly. "I remembered you saying it was your favorite."

Casey swallowed hard, still staring at the book. "My dad used to read it to me. Every summer when we visited my grandparents in Georgia. He'd do all the voices..." She trailed off, blinking rapidly.

"And this," Alex added quickly, not wanting Casey to cry (because if Casey cried, she would cry, and she'd spent far too long on her makeup for that), holding out the second box.

Casey opened it with slightly shaky hands, revealing the delicate silver necklace nestled against black velvet. A small pendant caught the light – a simple design that somehow managed to be both classic and modern, exactly like the woman it was meant for.

She stared at it for a long moment, then looked up at Alex with an expression that made Alex's heart skip several beats.

"Okay," Casey whispered, "now I feel worse about the pasta."

Alex laughed softly. "Don't. I love my gift."

"I burned pasta."

"You tried."

"And failed. Spectacularly."

"And I still love you."

The words fell into the space between them like stones into still water, ripples of meaning expanding outward. Alex felt her breath catch as she realized what she'd said – what she'd been feeling for months but hadn't dared to voice.

Casey went very still, her eyes wide and startlingly green in the kitchen's warm light.

Because they hadn't said that yet. Hadn't put words to this thing that had grown between them, starting with late-night strategy sessions over Chinese food and growing into something that made Alex's carefully ordered world tilt on its axis in the best possible way.

But now that the words were out there, Alex knew with absolute certainty that they were true. She loved Casey Novak, with her terrible puns and her passion for justice and her complete inability to cook pasta. She loved her in a way that made all her careful plans and strategies irrelevant, in a way that scared her and thrilled her in equal measure.

Casey's smile bloomed slowly, like sunrise breaking over the city. "You love me?" she whispered, and there was wonder in her voice, as if she couldn't quite believe it.

Alex exhaled, her fingers finding Casey's cheek again, thumb brushing over that stubborn smudge of flour. "Yeah," she said simply. "I do."

Casey swallowed, then whispered back, "I love you too." A pause, then: "Even though you're definitely going to hold this pasta thing over my head forever."

Alex laughed, soft and real. "Only until you learn to cook."

"So, forever then."

And then Alex kissed her, tasting flour and chocolate and something that might have been marinara sauce. Casey's hands came up to tangle in her hair, probably getting flour everywhere, but Alex couldn't bring herself to care.

Because this – this moment in her disaster of a kitchen, with the smell of burnt pasta in the air and Casey's heartbeat under her palms – this was perfect.

Later, they ordered takeout from the Thai place around the corner. They ate on Alex's couch, Casey wearing Alex's necklace and reading aloud from her new book, doing all the voices just like her father used to. The pasta pot sat soaking in the sink, a reminder that sometimes the best gifts aren't the ones we plan, but the ones that come from trying and failing and loving anyway.

And that made it the best Valentine's Day either of them had ever had.

Burnt pasta and all.

this is exactly what i need 🥺 cutie piesss

all that you want (and more)

calex, ao3, 1.9k words.

Casey heard her own name clear through the bubbling noise of the lounge. She wasn’t expecting company, save that of the paperback in her purse and the mezcal paloma in front of her. Years later, she would still be able to recall the scent of citrus and the smile that met her when she turned towards the noise.

“Alex, hey,” Casey said. Alex’s hair was longer than it had been the last time she’d seen her. It had been years. Casey hadn’t known if Alex was even in the city anymore, and she had hardly heard her name spoken around the office, a sharp contrast to her early years in Sex Crimes. Alex was dressed more casually than some of the patrons, in well-fitting jeans and a blue long sleeved tee shirt that hugged her frame. She looked good, but a little pale, thin. If Casey had known her better she might’ve asked if she felt alright. She settled on, “long evening?”

“Something like that,” Alex said. She crossed her arms in front of her chest. Casey could tell something was on her mind, and found herself curious as to what it was. Alex Cabot had always been a bit of a mystery, a myth. By the time Casey had crawled out of Alex’s shadow, she was suspended. There was an odd kind of intimacy in the air when Casey motioned for Alex to sit in the empty seat beside her. Casey chalked it up to the candles lighting the space, or to the preoccupied concern evident in Alex’s features. Alex sat. She got the bartender’s attention and ordered a gin and tonic. “Here all by yourself?” She asked, setting the menu down, turning to Casey.

Casey held up her book. “I had a hot date.”

“A mystery,” Alex said, taking it. “Interesting choice.”

“I like when they’re solved. What brings you out tonight?”

“Work I’m doing,” Alex turned her head to the side. Her brow furrowed further.

“And that is?”

“Can’t really discuss it,” Alex said. Casey allowed herself an act of prying, lifting an eyebrow. Alex acquiesced: “Advocacy.”

“I see,” said Casey. She had considered doing what she thought Alex likely was while she was suspended. Cabot had some guts, Casey had been too scared of getting arrested. “Long hours, right?”

“Yes, hence the gin and tonic.” Casey raised her glass. She thought she saw Alex glance at her lips when she sipped her drink. “Business as usual for you? I heard you’re assistant chief now.”

“You heard right,” Casey sighed. Alex raised her glass. “Business is never usual.” It was quiet in their corner of the bar for a moment, and Alex appeared deep in thought.

“I never got to thank you. For the Connors trial.”

“Just doing my job.”

“You do it well,” Alex said. “It’s nice to run into you, Casey. I’ll leave you to your reading.” She drained her drink and stood.

“Good to see you too,” Casey said. “You can stay for another drink, if you’d like.”

“No time,” said Alex with an apologetic half-smile. “Not really.” She touched Casey’s shoulder as she turned to go. Casey pulled out the book and read half a chapter.

---

“Good morning, Alex,” Casey said after waving and slowing to a jog then a halt, greeting the woman on the bench. She’d dyed her hair and cut it, brunette and shoulder length. Alex was not immediately recognizable, and Casey imagined she had a good reason for that. She pulled out an earbud and stretched her legs. It occurred to her a moment too late that Alex may not be interested in speaking to her in the daylight. Alex gave her a wave and nod in return, though, and spoke.

“Lovely Saturday, and I’m actually free. I thought I’d have my coffee in the park.” She held up the travel mug in her hand.

“It’s good to run outside the gym,” Casey said.

“Long loop?” Alex asked. She had a solemn air about her.

“Not too much, six-ish miles. Then the farmer’s market”

“Sounds nice,” Alex said.

“Yeah, should get back to it.”

“Have fun, Casey.”

“Nice to see you.” Casey put her earbud back in and set off again.

---

“Following me, Cabot?” Casey said. She certainly didn’t mind running into Alex, but it was surprising to see her three times in one month, especially the shortest one. Casey wouldn’t have believed Alex Cabot owned any hoodies, but she wore a crimson one and a black beanie appropriate for the cool weather.

“Great minds just think alike,” said Alex. Casey noted the bar of nice dark chocolate in Alex’s basket-- she was holding the same one. Alex’s was joined by a bottle of ginger kombucha and some green grapes.

“Movie night,” said Casey.

“No popcorn?” Alex questioned.

“My friend is bringing some.”

“Ah,” said Alex, “A boyfriend?” Casey couldn’t fault Alex looking for a little gossip.

“She’s a friend,” said Casey, “at least for now.” Alex smirked.

“Lucky lady,” she said. Casey exhaled a laugh.

“I’m not too much of a catch.”

“You’re wrong about that,” Alex said with a palpable seriousness in her voice but a lighthearted smile on her lips. The man in front of her grabbed his bags.

“Find everything okay?” The cashier said.

“I did,” Alex said. She paid, and on her way out said, “see you, Casey.”

Casey wondered if she would.

---

Casey didn’t see Alex again in March, but the woman crossed her mind, and she had thought a couple brunette bobs were her. Seeing her so many times in such a short period was the strange thing, she guessed.

But, Hello, this is Alex, said the unknown number text Casey woke up to on April second. She sat up, unplugged her phone and took a sip from her water bottle. It was beautifully sunny, and she heard birds even through her closed windows. The cat on the other side of the bed stretched her paws, shook her head, and settled back into sleep.

Hi Alex, she replied. To what do I owe this text?

Would you like to get a coffee with me?

Casey considered it for a moment. Was Alex Cabot asking her out on a date? She didn’t want to assume. Maybe she needed help with something, ADA help.

If movie night hasn’t turned into monogamy, that is. A date then. Casey appreciated the casualness of the offer. Why not? She thought. Movie night hadn’t even turned into sex.

Sure, when were you thinking? Casey typed.

I’m free this afternoon.

4 okay? Casey sent a link to the bakery on the corner of her block.

See you, Alex replied.

---

“How did you have my number,” Casey said as they sat down. The day had turned to April gloom as the hours went by, and it was pouring now. People wiped their boots at the door and their glasses in line. Casey took a sip of her cappuccino. Alex seemed tired still, even vulnerable. It did not diminish her beauty, which Casey took a moment to admire. Years later, Casey would remember her bleeding mascara.

“You gave it to me in 2005.” Alex took a claw clip out of her purse and pulled her hair back with it. Casey looked at the silver necklace Alex wore, a simple chain with a square pendant in the middle. She left behind a carmine stain on the lid of her cup.

“I lost my contacts list in the great phone shattering of 2008,” Casey said, by way of explanation. “How’s business?”

“As it is,” Alex said, shrugging. Casey looked out the window for a moment. People’s umbrellas were turning inside out. A woman pushing a stroller rushed to unlock a door across the street.

“And how are you?” Casey dared asking. There was a far away look in Alex’s eyes for a fleeting moment before she took a breath in.

“I’m okay,” Alex said. Casey must’ve given her a disbelieving look, because she continued, “really, I am. I just don’t get much sleep.”

“I understand,” said Casey, and hoped Alex knew she was being genuine. She changed the subject. “This is my favorite coffee in the city.”

“It’s pleasant,” Alex said. “Very cozy.” She tore off a piece of croissant and put it in her mouth. Casey liked seeing her eating, she realized.

“Alex,” said Casey, “I must admit, I’m surprised you asked me out on a date.”

Alex cocked her head to the side. “Good, surprised, I hope.”

“Quite,” Casey said, feeling her ears warm slightly. “You’re very beautiful.” Casey’s fingertips tingled at the sight of Alex blushing.

“I always had a bit of a crush on you,” Alex admitted. “Even back in law school. I thought running into each other so many times was… I thought I should go for it.” Casey had never noticed. She didn’t think of herself as someone people had crushes on. She bit her lip.

“I’m glad you did,” said Casey.

“Me too,” said Alex, and took a sip of her latte.

---

Casey probably wouldn’t have invited Alex to her place if they hadn’t been getting dirty looks from the baristas as they started to close around them. She probably wouldn’t’ve invited her to her place if the rain had let up for more than a couple minutes at a time.

Yet, there they were. Alex Cabot was sitting on her couch with her feet tucked under her. A bottle of wine and a teapot, each halfway empty, sat on the coffee table. Casey flicked the floor and side table lamps on, replacing the darkening evening light. Years later, she would still be able to hear the rain falling on her windowsills.

Alex watched her as she sat down, and suddenly, Casey saw every version of her she had met, yet hadn’t gotten to know over the years. The young student, the brave victim, the sharp prosecutor, and now the woman in front of her; who Casey saw was strong, principled, and dedicated-- not to mention, more alluring by the minute.

“What?” Alex said.

“I would really like to kiss you,” Casey said. Alex nodded.

“Good,” she said, and leaned forward.

---

Casey woke up before sunrise, as she sometimes did. She hated to stay in bed awake, and though she felt a bit bad for leaving Alex alone in her bed (well, the cat was there), she quietly went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. She read on the couch for a little while, and thought of how quickly and deeply Alex had fell asleep beside her, and how much she’d liked it. Alex walked in, bleary eyed, wrapped in a sheet.

“I would have pegged you for a morning person,” she said, “But this is a little excessive.”

“Hi,” said Casey, “good morning. Sorry if I woke you up.”

“That’s okay,” Alex said. She rubbed her eyes and sniffled. Casey must’ve looked worried, because she said, “I’m allergic to cats.”

“You should’ve said something, I would’ve kicked her out.”

“No,” Alex shook her head, “she’s precious.”

“I have Benadryl,” Casey said, though she wasn’t one hundred percent certain where it was.

“I’d sleep all day,” Alex said. “I’ll be okay.” She took Casey’s hand. Casey thought she might benefit from a whole day of sleep, but kept that to herself. She beckoned to the couch beside her. The day began to come in, striped through the blinds. The coffee was done and Casey poured two mugs.

---

It was April again, and they had unpacked the last box last night. Casey listened to Alex hum in the shower. Her bangs stuck to her forehead when she came to the kitchen in her robe. Casey brushed them away from her eyes, held her waist, and kissed her.