I Am Transmasc. 

I am transmasc. 

This is something that I did not truly realize and accept until recently.

Hello, you can call me M, my pronouns are they/he.

I was an eccentric child growing up, in my earliest years I played with the boys and their trucks, enjoyed superheros and comic books, and stomped in the mud. I can remember two separate occasions where I asked my mom “are you sure I was born to be a girl? I feel like I’m probably a guy”, and both occasions she told me she knew I was a girl, even if I liked things that traditionally boys did. 

I moved during elementary school. Suddenly there were only two boys in my class, and nine other girls besides me. It was a Catholic private school and there were uniforms. The girls wore skirts and blouses or blouses and slacks, but my mom preferred the way the skirt looked on me so I didn’t get much of a choice. My hair was a cute bob that just barely didn’t touch my shoulders, and I always wore a flowery headband. I didn’t play with the boys because they didn’t like including girls in their tag games since girls ran slower.  Besides, if I ran around too much my tights would start to run. 

I started middle school in that same private school, except now the girls wore polos with a sweater or sweater vest and the option between a kilt or slacks. We were forced to wear our kilts on the days we went to church in order to look presentable for the lord. My hair was long and wavy, but I always tied it into an ugly low pony because I didn’t have much time in the morning. There was only one guy in our class this year, him and I were friends.

I ended middle school in a different school entirely. I wasn’t used to the freedom in clothing choice that public school brought. I would try to wear whatever looked “cool”, over-feminizing myself in order to seem like a normal girl. My hair was still long and still up. I stayed friends with a single kid from private school, even though we were in separate schools now. I had exactly two close guy friends when I ended middle school. 

Freshman year, and I’m still struggling to grasp basic fashion, though sometimes I managed to put together a cohesive outfit. No matter the outfit’s success, however, it always felt like it wasn’t made for my body. My hair, once halfway down my back, was once again chopped to a cute bob. I tried eyeliner for the first time. I started to realize that I might not completely be a girl, but the title ‘Demigirl’ feels right.

It’s only in sophomore year that I allow myself to consider the possibility that I’m not truly a girl in any sense. I only have one guy friend now, but I don’t know if they count since we’re dating and they’re starting to question their gender. My outfits started to finally look and feel good. I allow my masculinity to flow freely through the clothes I wear, though still wearing eyeliner in order to keep myself pretty. I chop my hair the shortest it’s ever been. I am nonbinary.

Junior year brings quite a few changes in only a few months. I meet a senior who I befriend, and him and I are scarily similar. He tells me about his journey with gender and guides me through my feelings about mine. My outfits are very rarely feminine anymore, and I only wear eyeliner on fancy occasions. I feel gender dysphoria for the first time. I feel gender euphoria for the first time. My hair is still short as I grow it out from a crappy mullet I had gotten the summer prior. I am out to all my teachers. Am I a trans man, or simply a masc-leaning enby? November 2024 comes to a close and I am only three months into my junior year, and I cannot wait to watch my gender evolve and grow. Getting ready in the bathroom each morning I think back to preschool me asking my mom if I should have been made a boy. Man my hindsight is 20/20.