Solid Medications (pills) Really Do Be Coming In Two Varieties - Edible Plastic, And Smarties (derogatory)

Ignore the bottom bit

Would you rations for your hole or is it a grave situation?

this website’s easy watch. *dangles a bunch of greek gods like keys*

Looks like we can’t isolate, ignore, ibuprofen our way out of this one boys

Peekaboo

I learned some things apparently

Ok, good and ethical life hacks from the batfam pls

the fuck is this, church?

Dick: Freeze your deodorant in the summer

Jason: To fix a wet book: put toilet paper between each page, weigh it down with something heavy, and replace the toilet paper every half hour 'til the pages are all dry

Tim: Eat something if you're mad, take a nap if you're sad, and shower if you're anxious. If none of those work, then start looking for other reasons

Damian: Distract your dog while you give it a bath by sticking peanut butter on the wall

Duke: Before you edit, change the font to Comic Sans. The mistakes will pop right out

Cullen: You don't owe anyone online any personal details

Stephanie: To calculate a 20% tip: move the decimal one spot to the left and multiply by 2

Cassandra: Vinegar removes a lot of water and calcium marks

Barbara: Google Sheets has a translate function that allows you to translate lists of words

Harper: Nail polish remover dissolves super glue

Carrie: Citrus candle scents last longer

Kate: Migraine relief: Tylenol + aspirin + caffeine

Alfred: 35 isn't old, the media just destroyed any concept of age

Selina: U.S. bills are valid as long as 5/8ths of it is intact

Bruce: Life is a lot more enjoyable once you realize most conventions are 100% optional. Like, there's no law saying you can't use a night light as an adult

CAN you PLEASE PLEASE make a drabble of Toji taking care of sleepy Mamaguro and Megumi? I think it would be so adorable. 🧎

oh to continue writing happy toji and happy mamaguro reader... 🚬

the mission was simple: stay up until 12 a.m. to wish toji a happy birthday. you and megumi, the last-standing warriors of the fushiguro household, sat by the door like hyper puppies, waiting for your beloved husband—your fearless protector—your batman (you are not explaining to a six-year-old what an assassin is)—to return home. it was going perfectly until your phone buzzed.

gonna be late. emergency job. don’t wait up.

you stare at the screen. then at megumi. then back at the screen.

the bastard forgot his own birthday.

your son, wise beyond his years, folds his arms and scowls. “so, what, we just give up?” you slap the table dramatically. “absolutely not.”

if there was one thing you and megumi had in common—besides your unwavering judgment of toji’s life choices—it was stubbornness. this mission would not fail. if your husband wanted to be late to his own birthday, that was his problem. but you and megumi? you were gonna be ready. so, naturally, you both made the worst decision possible.

sugar boost.

you and your six-year-old co-conspirator sprawled across the couch, sharing a single pack of gummy bears like it was some kind of sacred ration. one gummy at a time. chewing slowly. blinking at the wall in utter silence like two very small, very deranged owls.

"mama."

"yeah, baby?"

"do you think papa is the strongest man alive?"

"of course."

megumi chews thoughtfully. "do you think he could lift a cow?"

you consider this. "...easily."

"two cows?"

you hesitate. 

-

it’s 11:57 p.m. standing in the doorway, looking like he just crawled out of a damn action movie, is toji. the duffel bag slung over his shoulder drops to the floor with a heavy THUD, and he’s met with—

a beautiful handmade "happy birthday, papa!!" banner, decorated with poorly drawn badtz-maru stickers, because megumi has commitment to the bit.

you, sprawled out on the couch like a crime scene victim.

megumi, passed out on top of you, his little hand still clutching a half-eaten gummy bear.

toji stares. something in his chest tightens. he lets out a quiet sigh, running a hand through his hair as he steps inside, shutting the door behind him. exhausted as he is, something about this sight makes his heart ache in that weird way—the kind of warmth he’s still getting used to, the kind that makes him feel like maybe, just maybe, he didn’t screw up as badly as he thought. without a word, he moves over to the couch. and because yes, he is that man—he lifts both you and megumi in one go. you stir slightly, groggy, mumbling, "cow..."

toji frowns. "what?"

megumi snorts in his sleep, muttering, "two cows..."

toji, confused as all hell, just grunts and carries his weird, sleep-deprived family to bed.

the next morning, as the sun peeks through the curtains and the birds chirp outside like they're personally taunting you, you and megumi prepare for phase two of toji’s birthday celebration: chaotic wake-up call.

toji, the strongest man alive (and also the biggest sleeper in the house), is sprawled out on the bed, dead to the world. he sleeps like a log, one arm thrown over his face, mouth slightly open, because even assassins need their beauty rest. you and megumi exchange a look. a silent nod of understanding. then, in perfect sync, you both take in a deep, deep breath and—

"HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYY!!!"

toji’s entire body jerks like he just got shot. his arms flail, his head snaps up, and before he can even process what's happening, you and megumi double down with a second round of high-pitched, ungodly shrieks right in his ear.

"what the hell—"

but before he can even think about grabbing a weapon (because let’s be real, his first instinct is to attack), he realizes exactly who the culprits are. and oh, oh, you two are in trouble. his sleep-deprived brain short-circuits for about half a second before years of combat training kick in.

he lunges.

"oh—RUN!" you shriek, shoving megumi, but it’s too late—toji grabs you both in one swift motion, rolling over and pinning you down, locking both of you in a vice-like headlock.

"GOTCHA!"

"NOOOO—!"

megumi screams in betrayal as toji mercilessly ruffles his hair. you’re not spared either, as he buries his face into your neck, delivering an absolutely brutal barrage of kisses like it’s a full-scale attack.

“YOU WANNA WAKE ME UP, HUH? THAT HOW WE’RE PLAYIN’ THIS?”

"toji stop—" you wheeze, kicking your legs as he plants an exaggeratedly loud kiss to your cheek. megumi shrieks, wiggling with all his might, but toji just grabs him tighter, pressing another series of dramatic, disgusting dad kisses to his forehead. "UGH, PAPAAAA!" megumi yells, offended.

"nah, nah, you started this, kid," toji cackles. "you and your big mouth—what was all that ‘two cows’ shit, huh?”

"STOP!" megumi flails harder, but he is six and toji is built different. eventually, though, he relents, flopping back with a satisfied smirk, letting you both gasp for air like shipwreck survivors. "you’re the worst," you pant. megumi, hair now a disaster, groans. "i hate birthdays."

toji just smirks, stretching. "eh, still my best one yet."

ok but the way he's still kind of getting outcunted by the guy on the left

i like the idea that red hood is to crime alley what daredevil is to hell's kitchen in the dd comics. in the way that:

Jason: *in full red hood gear, walking through an alley* homeless man next to him: hey, todd. how's patrol? jason: *grinning under his helmet* i don't know if you need new glasses---or maybe a memory boost, jimmy---but the todd kid is dead. i, obviously, am not. homeless man: *snickers* yeah sure, sure, jason

Jason: *walking down the street in civvies* passerby: hey! hood! i have some info for you, drug deal goin' on 'round the docks jason: *raises brow* yeah? well, i ain't hood . . . but i'll take that info to him if ya want. he patrols near my apartment passerby: you keep tellin' yourself that, dude

batman: have you seen the criminal Red Hood? crime alley resident: *lighting a cigarette, making continual eye contact with batman* I'm blind. haven't seen anyone batman: *examines the woman* obviously not. you can see me just fine crime alley resident: ya ain't ever heard of selective vision impairment? it's totally a thing batman:

little girl: hey, hood. th' cops were lookin' fer ya jason: hmm. what did ya tell 'em? little girl: t' stick it where th' sun don't shine jason: *high-fives her* i'm going to buy you an entire toy store, kid

had a fascinating english class that resulted in the notes header “the forcefeminization of victor frankenstein”