Every Time I Ask People If They Do Any New Years Resolutions Its All Ooooo I Dont Like Making Them Bc

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Me: Leave me alone, Persassy Jackson, you’re supposed to be dead

The fandom bring back this image:

The bean jar

#3 Komorebi

I like it comic series

Uncle Vlad AU

AU where Vlad actually gets along with the adults in the Fenton household pretty well. The Problem is the Teachers. (And ghosts. But mostly the teachers).

Maddie:

He and Maddie have been flirting awkwardly since they were 10 years old because it was funny when adults did it, and never stopped. Neither means anything by it.

Yes, Mr. Lancer, Jack does know that.

No, we do not need you to send Danny home with the Scarlet Letter. There is no affair. You know what, if you spent this much time protecting my kids from bullies, we-

Good mom, ok? She is! Sure, she gets distracted by work a lot, but she's not intentionally negligent, and she does her best. She just isn't able to connect with Danny the way she can with Jazz.

Jack:

Thinks the awkward flirting is hilarious. Regularly eggs on both his wife and BFF. Hides out at Vlad's to watch football games.

ADHD solidarity with Vlad. Two bros chillin' on a Packers couch, oi, asshole, did you just fumble in the first kickoff! Yeah, he did, which reminds me,did you want to come by for-

Jack was supposed to be there to ask Vlad for help on the portal. They have watched the Bears beat the Vikings, made plans for the weekend, managed to cook an entire meal, and it's not until 2 days later that Jack remembers. (Am I projecting my ADHD? You better bet )

Like Maddie, he isn't intentionally negligent, he just gets distracted super easily. He does his best, but often fails. A true himbo: strong of body, giant of heart, dumb of ass.

Vlad:

Died 20 years ago, but also recognizes that putting his face into a portal to another dimension wasn't a great idea.

Reiterates lab safety constantly despite consistently breaking the rules.

"Remember, children, do not eat or drink in the lab."

"Um. You're drinking ectoplasm right now, though."

"And I'm dead! I can get away with it!"

Despite this, neither Jack or Maddie know he's dead. Plasmius? "Cool costume!" Loses a hand that grows back in a day? "How'd you get that illusion to work?" Jokes about being dead? "Ha ha, yes, we get it. You're dead inside and like grim humor."

Neither Danny or Jazz- who do know- are allowed to tell their parents, because, "come on, guys, don't ruin a 20 year experiment for me! I wanna know how long it takes!"

Vlad is "independently wealthy". As in, he robbed a bunch of billionaires, and has blackmail on twice as many.

So as not to draw too much suspicion, he's a writer. Mostly trashy romance novels or technical manuals. There is no in-between.

Danny:

Dies. Immediately joins Vlad in death jokes. Jazz: You NEED TO talk about it! Danny: IDK, Jazz, I'm still pretty shocked. Get it?

Vlad: Hey, I gotta go visit dead family for the holidays, wanna come with?

Danny: Is that where you go every year? What do you do?

Jazz: Please don't make a ghost joke, please don't make a-

Vlad: Yeah, well, we go haunting, play games, decorate the cemetery, you know. Just get into the holiday spirit, and have a damned good time.

Jazz: I'm calling the Ghostbusters.

Starts learning how to fight ghosts- Uncle Vlad helps, of course, and- DANIEL PHANTOM, WHY are you HERE, and not in math class?! GO.

Nobody knows why Vlad's so chill about the death thing until his family comes to visit- turns out, his mother's maiden name was Addams. Yes, those Addams'.

I think the Jedi council should have at least considered sending obi-wan over to Dooku to be like “yes hello I am here for sith training” just to see what would happen

Jazz: so umm... why was I called here to the Lazarus pits?

*Batman points upwards where Danny is floating on the ceiling giggling. Red Hood is perched on a crevice near him trying to bribe him with a cookie*

Jazz: What happened?

Batman: he took one look at the pit cried "I must drink the forbidden kool-aid" and stuck his head in.

Jazz: I would ask why you didn't stop him but he can turn intangible so that's a mout point.

Batman: it's also why we can't get him out of here.

Jazz: so he's just been up there? for how long?

Batman: 8 hours. He has windows of being sober but he keeps drinking from the pit before we can convince him to leave.

Jazz: Why does he have a batarang?

Red Hood: Batman used his dad voice on him the second time he drunk from the pit and he started crying. It was the only thing that got him to stop.

Jazz tired sigh: okay I got this *smiles and uses a tone of voice normal saved for very little kids* Danny!

Danny: Jazz! :D

Jazz: what are doing up there?

Danny: I'm a balloooooon

Jazz: I see. Have you had dinner yet?

Danny: Noooope just some coookies. Red Hood is the bestest hero. He gave me cookies. And, and dis, dis thingy he took from Batman. Batman scary. He's a scary... scary... bat

Jazz: well Nasty burger is going to close soon and you know what happens when Nasty burger closes before you have dinner?

Danny horrified: I have to eat what's at home *turns to Red Hood and gives batarang* I gotta go *starts descending in circles blowing raspberries*

Batman: what is he doing

Jazz: being a balloon

Interviewer, going over Percy's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you’re creative.

Percy: Yes

Interviewer: Okay... may I know what you create?

Percy: Problems.

The batfam on reddit

(this got long so lmk if you want me to do the others)

TIFU by mistaking my brother for hummus by u/dickwings

So I (27M) like to do my work in the kitchen while having a pre-gym snack. Since there wasn't any food in the fridge or anyone around to cook, I decided to keep it simple with some chips and hummus. About ten minutes later, my younger brother, let's call him "Tim" (17M), sat down next to me because he wanted me to check his work too.

I was fully engrossed in my work and my body was on autopilot as I dipped the hummus. Meanwhile, Tim's hand was on the table. Both of them were just outside my peripheral vision.

You can see where this is going.

I wish there was something dramatic like him yelling or me smashing food against his face. Literally ANYTHING would've been better than what actually happened, which was that I softly caressed the back of his hand with a pita chip while he just stared at me without saying a word.

I promptly packed up my stuff and I'm currently hiding in my apartment because we're supposed to have a family dinner but I don't know if I can look him in the eye.

Comments

local-zombie: I'm calling it, this is fake. No one is this dumb. ├— redrobin: idk, sounds pretty convincing to me ├—— local-zombie: What are you, his brother?

thatpurplething: Thank you, I really needed this today after I called the Riddler "Mom" ├— orphanized: well now you gotta tell us, you can't just leave us hanging ├— official-batman: If you think that's bad, try accidentally throwing your wife's elderly cat at the ceiling. ├—— kitty-central: Try thinking you can leave your husband in charge of a living creature for one afternoon ├——— lesbian-premium: Everyone's just fucking up today huh? ├———— notmysecretanimeaccount: Not me, I was born perfect.

pennyworthy: Perhaps a red pepper hummus can prevent this from happening in the future. ├— your-tired-librarian: He should go with spinach just to be safe. ├—— i-am-the-darkness-i-am-the-light: Next post: TIFU by mistaking Killer Croc for hummus

star wars / batman au and bruce is a mandalorian who picks up foundlings like nobody’s business and loudly & vocally disapproves of the jedi even though half his kids are proficient in the force

HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS BEFORE