Untitled [written ~20 Years Ago, Revised A Few Times]
Untitled [written ~20 years ago, revised a few times]
So cold, it's so cold just because you were so bold as to take and squeeze the universe (whose vast distances our minds traverse in our short bursts of ample time) and with such brashness of rhyme to roll it between your cross-scarred fingers (with a gaze that I always hope will linger... ah, the clarity of that blue-dappled eye!) and narrow the uncertainty that I deny.
The terse moments are not so fleet so as to drive away what they imply Say the caustic words and repeat: Just a blip on the radar to me My own words, as I recall? But that was not it, not truly it, at all.
Here I give my translation: I've lost more than my faith in revelation for you've turned all that's in my head but I find it much too hard to concede what I think, what I feel — what I need? I cannot pour frankness into your ear when all but clarity can be found here. It was once a truth and then once more a lie All that I no longer can bear to deny
The wellings-up grow ever more strong It's stupid and it's pointless and it's wrong But that sleight of word that does certainty decry... what that evokes — I can never deny
Here I give my revelation: While you could be but my mind's creation you feel like a cruel trick of fate. Our shared time stretches under its own weight. Silent only as we contemplate parting for the night Shirking others for each other — how delightfully trite And then you compelled me to ungrip my hand and unclasp my fingers to meet your demand palm to palm pressed, holy pilgrims — and then you told of admiration grown from how I'd grown more bold.
I might be God, and so might you be but divine signs and patterns are all I see pointing to you in a clear line but just as clearly, I know you are not mine. And so I leave it, and within an hour or two fuel my gasps for another with my thoughts of you. When I speak of it with you, my mouth twisted and wry You take the bait and begin to decry
You say that I want to be swept off my feet that I want a true mind to with mine meet I drag out my "no", let it hang in front of you as though through stretching alone I could make it true It fills my mouth to muffle what I want to cry: You — you are the love I must deny.
[for S., with equal sheepish apologies to T.S. Eliot and Surah Ar-Rahman]
More Posts from Heinous-eli and Others
Inside of my house (and heart) are two cats.
One of them prefers for you to pet him without paying too much attention to him. He will run away if you focus on him with anything resembling intent.
The other will give you a firm skippity-bap with her giant paws if you don't pay attention to her as you pet her.
It's OK to confuse the first for the second. Woe betide anyone who dares to absentmindedly treat her as though she were him.
tfw when I see a post in a group on Zuck's Overgrown Hot-or-Not™ that's comment-locked, and it takes me exactly one (1) second of glancing at the headline to understand wtf happened
I was today years old when I learned that not only do African Queen and European Queen exist, not only are they not joke edits, but also the original was European Queen.
I have a theory.
The Right thinks that DEI/affirmative action/etc. elevates mediocrity because of the dismal quality of their own tokens.
Look no further than the fashion designers, musicians, filmmakers, actors, drag performers, and other, ahem, "creative" types who went MAGA for proof, especially the queer and/or non-white among them. They're tiny-ass, undistinguished fish in ponds so small and undisturbed by talent that they're not even qualified to be tempests in teacups.
I am not special. I deserve the same grace, rights, and consideration that everyone else does.
![I regret to inform you that I don't believe we are a good fit at this time. We are going at a different pace right now. I'm ready for a committed relationship; I'm prepared for someone who can see marriage and kids in the next two years. I did not get that from you when we talked. You also got out of ten-year relationships [sic] three months ago. You are not ready for a new relationship even though you said that you are able to get over things very fast. You should take this time to think about what you want to do with your life and get to know yourself a bit more before moving into [sic] anything. Thank you for a beautiful night full of waves of laughter, thank you for cuddling with me although I was asleep the whole time. I hope [sic] you the best; I hope you find what you are looking [for].](https://64.media.tumblr.com/06fc86b1e7c7760a779e9122f2f408a8/3c540ca3dafac633-d0/s500x750/aafd48ea0b8a927de681b000483663009020e319.jpg)
this was what a friend-of-a-friend sent some guy after a single date with him.
You know what's more annoying than a preachy vegan?
Omnis who absolutely refuse to understand that a lot of things they eat that aren't straight-up meat/dairy/eggs often have animal products or by-products in them.
Plus, there are more of the latter than the former, so yeah, officially, the vegans are generating exponentially less as far as volume of annoying, by enormous orders of magnitude.
This post brought to you by a thread full of clueless omnis going on and on about plant-based chocolate, in ableist-as-fuck language to boot. Even when I pointed out that most chocolate products contain dairy, they kept on about it. Because of course.
Either read the fucking food labels (and maybe learn something for once in your smug life) or shut the fuck up. I hope none of them has anyone with allergies in their lives. They'd end up killing them in their insistence that, say, potato products couldn't possibly have gluten. Which, FYI, they can and do.
(ftr aside from a few infrequent but intense flirtations with vegetarian/vegan eating, I spent most of my life omnivorous. I've been loosely vegetarian for about, IDK, 5 years now? though I flex to pescatarian if the situation calls for it. I care enough about food and systemic issues related to it to render myself wholly uninterested in policing anyone's individual food choices)
The first nightmare I've had in a while was about being forced to use fabric softener.
If you assume that I
✅ am a millennial,
✅ am autistic,
✅ am fat, trans, broke, but also vain, and
✅ hear "hello, my name is Renae, and I'm an appliance repair tech" often enough to know it by heart,
you'd be right.
top 3 spam emails I've ever gotten
the one that promised me all the riches of Creosote oh my, Mx. Spammer *flutters fan coquettishly*
the one whose sender was named Mr. Sahih Al-Bukhari
the one claiming that Beyoncé is secretly Italian and lying about her age
AND THEN OUT OF ALL OF THOSE THEY ALL USE THE SAME ONE (1) OUTHOUSE ANYWAY
REALLY NOW, MAGS. NO OUTHOUSES. NOWHERE TO SHIT.
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