I Could Unsubscribe But Why Would I Want To?

President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hello, Mr. Putin!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Putin replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Seán, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Putin paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Putin asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Putin sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 60,000 tanks and 50,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 1,500,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Good mornin’, Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Putin. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no way we can feed 2,000,000 prisoners.”

You put the best stuff in the tags again. I'm not mad just disappointed. ;) But some of this stuff is too important not to repost.

crazy how at my age my parents already had children (that they were in no way equipped to raise)

You’ve done it. You’ve created the perfect pizza. That was the day you learned that “No one outpizzas the hut” wasn’t a slogan… it was a warning.

group of adventurers breaking into your standard booby-trapped ancient forbidden temple/labyrinth/tomb/whatsit--accompanied by a UNESCO World Heritage archeologist whose only professional concern is site preservation

Thank you I find this really helpful as a new user

A guide for new tumblr users:

1) This place is not a place of honor… no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here… nothing valued is here. 

2) What is here was dangerous and repulsive to us. This message is a warning about danger. 

3) The danger is in a particular location… it increases towards a center… the center of danger is here… of a particular size and shape, and below us. 

4) The danger is still present, in your time, as it was in ours. 

5) The danger is to the body, and it can kill.

6) The form of the danger is an emanation of energy.

7) The danger is unleashed only if you substantially disturb this place physically. This place is best shunned and left uninhabited.

Can I post anything?

The age of superheroes finally arrives. Your power is that whenever you step into a room, it is immediately cleaned to perfection. At first you think it’s useless but you realize that by cleaning people’s rooms you get paid and thus gets funding to buy tech to match other heroes and villains.

Ok, but what if Sherlock's brother was named John Watson Holmes (probably a younger brother) and when he started playing Minecraft his username was Mycraft but when he found out much it annoyed his brother Sherlock he leaned in to it and now his hacker persona is Mycroft (hacking could be a modern job that would give him a place in the government, the ability to find clues that Sherlock can't find easily, and the attitude of "can't be bothered to step away from his desk to follow up on something)

An adaptation of Sherlock Holmes set in a world in which the fictional character/literary juggernaut Sherlock Holmes, and all the subsequent adaptations thereof, still exist.

Sherlock Holmes (pronounced Holl-mess, as he is constantly reminding people) just had the misfortune of having parents who really liked the books, and his attitude towards his fictional counterpart is pretty much the same as that of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Sherlock runs a Youtube Theory channel called Mysteries Unwrapped with Sherlock Holmes. He has received no less than seven cease and desist letters from the Conan Doyle estate, all of which he has so faded managed to rebuff by pointing out that that's literally his name.

(No he won't change his name. He's Sherlock Holmes the real live human person. Let Sherlock Holmes the non existent fictional character change his name.)

John is Sherlock's flatmate. Sherlock almost refused to live with him once he realised that it would mean staying with a medical student named John, and only gave in once John pointed out that: a) he's a biomedical student, which is completely different from an md, and b) his surname isn't Watson.

It's now been three years, which is long enough for them to have developed a genuine friendship, and for John to have a) started working towards his PhD in biotechnology, and b) for him to start dating somebody with the surname Watson.

Sherlock can feel the narrative closing in.

His Youtube channel is meant to be focused on lost media, fan theories and stuff like that, but he keeps accidentally stumbling upon and then solving genuine crimes.

His brother Mycroft may or may not have chosen that name after he transitions specifically to annoy him.

He doesn't even live in London, but somehow the only flat they could afford was on a street named fucking Baker Street.

Sherlock Holmes and the Unescapable Power of the Narrative.

hey did you know that uhh

i. the monster's body is a cultural body

ii. the monster always escapes

iii. the monster is the harbinger of category crisis

iv. the monster dwells at the gates of difference

v. the monster polices the borders of the possible

vi. fear of the monster is really a kind of desire

vii. the monster stands at the threshold… of becoming

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