This Ws So Good I Am Crying Sm

this ws so good i am crying sm

IN OUR NEXT LIFETIME | LEE HYUNJAE

pairing: non-idol! hyunjae x reader genre: ANGST. a cent of fluff. word count: 17k warnings: profanities. mentions of parties, non/alcoholic drinks, homewrecking is mentioned once. notes: this is for the collab event called merry bad ending @junjungsunwoo is hosting !! ♡ + mentions of kidult. this is a kind-of-sequel to it so read it first before this one for a clear understanding of some parts <3

special mentions to my lomls @hvae for the tremendous help & for letting me make a kind-of-sequel to kidult, @mingkii & @moonieric for the support <3 & @fluttering-tbz who I just wanted to spoil :D

permanent taglist: @deputyjuyeon @sunlightwoo​ @teuboyz @90s-belladonna @grassbutneo @skrtbabe @cosmiclele @flrtwoo

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

summary: as he stood in front of you, ready to be someone else’s partner for life, nothing is left but to wish to meet him again in your next lifetime.

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ 。 listen now to: spotify. 　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

Standing in front of the big doors of the church you always dreamed of getting married in, tears pooled your eyes as your hand continued to fiddle with the bouquet in your hand.

“I can do this,” You can’t. Your heart continued to harshly pound under your ribcage, tears pooling your eyes from the nervousness. “You can do this,”

Swallowing the forming lump on your throat, your lips continued to twitch in anxiousness while you waited for the bells to ring.

You were positive bits of the fresh flower’s stems were inside of your nails unhygienically as you continued to pick on it.

“You just need to fucking walk. Move your feet. That’s it.” You keep on encouraging yourself, taking deep breaths.

The day was here.

Hearing the bells, you straighten your back for the nth time and iron your beautiful, silk dress with your sweaty palms and plastering a smile on your face.

The two big doors open together, revealing the elegantly designed insides of the church, and there he was. Still amazingly dashing as he stood beside his best men, beaming a small smile at you. The fact that you were the last on the line didn’t help ease your anxiousness.

You were finally walking down the aisle.

“I was just joking, I can’t do this.”

Inhaling the sweet fragrance the cherry blossom trees emitted, you sigh in relief as your open your eyes to see your school welcoming you.

“y/n!” Eunbin, just one of the many friends you have, welcomes you with a wave from afar. Jogging to her with a smile, you engulfed her in a hug. “I missed you so much, how was summer?”

Starting a small talk to the bulletin board where you find out that you both were still classmates, you head to your rooms with bright smiles on your faces.

“You’re still the same,” Eunbin says with a small smile on her face, settling on the seat beside you.

“And by same, you mean..?” You chuckle, not wanting to take her words seriously.

“You’re still the same old, smiley.. Very friendly y/n,” Eunbin scrunches her nose at you, winking.

“That’s a good thing, right?” You start taking out your things one by one, and you only shoot Eunbin a glance when she nods.

It takes a few more small talks until your homeroom teacher steps in, a fond smile on his face.

“Class,” Mr. Kim starts, taking the class’ attention by lightly tapping his pile of papers continuously. “It’s nice seeing you again. No less, but there’s more.” He smiles, looking outside the door to let someone in.

A man, one who not even the slightest you could describe except as godly, takes unconfident strides inside the room beside your professor. A smile was nowhere to be seen on his face, but his eyes searched around the room.

The moment his eyes landed on yours, you knew you were fucked. Even just a second more than anyone in the room his eyes laid on you, but you could feel your heart skipping a beat and it was never good.

Lee Hyunjae.

He introduces himself timidly, bowing. Mr. Kim waits for him to say more, but the growing silence only makes it awkward.

“Right, Hyunjae.” He takes a sharp inhale, roaming his eyes around the room for a free seat. “Take the seat in front of y/n. Is it taken?” You shake your head a little more enthusiastically than you intended.

Hyunjae swiftly walks to the seat in front of you, and your eyes never leave him. You were curious, intrigued, and everything the like with the man that stood in front of you, not even batting an eye on your side.

Not until Eunbin smacks your arm with a book, mouthing to stop looking at him.

You probably have terrified the man already.

But your eyes never stop glancing at him.

Smiling to yourself after mentally agreeing that you talk to him later, you got your things and prepared for the class.

You were never a rushing type of student. Yet your leg kept on bouncing with the excitement of hearing the bell ring signaling break period.

You instantly stood up with the rest of the students the second the bell rang, itching to get to talk to Hyunjae.

Hyungseo beat you to it.

“Spare the man some time before you blare some stupid questions to get to know him better,” Eunbin tugs you away, while you pout in disappointment.

“Hyunjae. You’re.. Hyunjae,” Were the last things you heard from Hyungseo before you let yourself get dragged by Eunbin. Your eyes still laid on him, your head tilting as if you weren’t shamingly staring at the newcomer.

“y/n!” Youngjae comes running to you, grabbing your arms. “Do you happen to know someone named Hyunjae?!” He shook your shoulders, tears of joy– you assume, brimming his eyes.

“Uh, yeah, Youngjae. He’s still in the cl–”

“Thank you y/n! I’ll see you later!” Youngjae runs to your room and you even hear him squeal in happiness from afar.

Meanwhile, Hyunjae stared in confusion at Hyungseo who approached him, a raise in his eyebrow as he kept his mouth shut.

“I’m.. I uh,” Hyungseo stutters, looking down in an attempt to hide his teary eyes.

“Hyunjae!” Youngjae exclaims as he stomps his way inside the room, giving Hyunjae the tightest hug he could ever give. Hyunjae stands there in surprise, letting Youngjae continue squealing because as weird as it was, the two men that confronted him felt way too familiar to be ignored.

“Youngjae– I don’t think he remembers us,” Hyungseo mutters, pulling Youngjae back and away from Hyunjae, whose ears perk at the mention of the name.

Youngjae looks expectedly at Hyunjae, waiting for him to confirm Hyungseo’s speculations.

“It’s okay.” Youngjae smiles, “We look kind of different so we understand.” Patting Hyungseo in the arm, encouraging him to speak up.

“I’m.. Hyungseo.. And this is Youngjae,” He mumbles, a light fidget in his fingers. “..from the daycare,”

Hyunjae feels his heart drown in guiltiness and at the same time happiness, as he’s found– finally found the one he treated his family at heart.

Hyunjae bites his lip to stop the tears, looking down at his fiddling fingers. He can’t utter a word out, too happy at the news.

The three men looked at each other with tears in their eyes and a smile on their faces, and later Hyunjae was pulled to share a brotherly hug with Hyungseo and Youngjae.

He has never felt this happy after the incident.

You smile at the scene in front of you, though you weren’t too sure what was happening. You were peeking at the corner of the window looking at them after escaping Eunbin who continuously tugged you away from Hyunjae.

You knew a bit of Hyungseo and Youngjae’s life– them being one of your closest friends you easily made. And you were more than positive that Hyunjae is one of the people they cherished from the daycare they immaculately adored since they were kids, only when the incident occurred that it had to be brought down and the kids from the daycare never saw each other again.

Hyungseo and Youngjae just so happened to be neighbors after moving into the neighborhood, attending the same school, and making a goal together to find the rest of the kids they treated as family.

“y/n!” A fuming Eunbin walks to you, tugging you away from your classroom once again and you crane your neck to keep on looking, just in time as you see Hyunjae burst into the sweetest smile you have ever seen. “You’re unbelievable. You see the man for less than a minute and you’ve already fallen,” Eunbin mutters, looking at you helplessly, making your neck longer to stare at Hyunjae’s smile even just a second longer.

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

“Hyungseo!” You jump to put him in a light headlock, ruffling his hair.

“Come on, y/n.. I styled this today,” He whines, trying to protect his already messy hair.

“You never style your hair,” You chuckle, letting go of him and helping him arrange his hair back to normal.

“Well get used to it because I’m styling it every day now,” Hyungseo proudly smiles at you, a light hop in his steps.

“So.. How many kids do you need to find now?” You start, curiosity evident in your voice as you follow him to your room.

“So! We’ve found Hyunjae, Sunwoo, Younghoon, and Chanhee.. Four more kids! Four more and– Wait,” Hyungseo stops and you do too, raising your eyebrows at him.

“What?”

“How’d you know about it?”

“About what?”

“Why’d you ask how many kids we have to find.. Now?” He mocked, and you only gave him a chuckle.

“I assumed. You rarely start a conversation with a newcomer. But this time, you even beat me to it. I uh.. Also kinda.. Eavesdropped. No! I mean– I didn’t hear anything but–”

“You like him?” Hyungseo wriggles his eyebrows, giving you a smirk.

“Well– I do– but that doesn’t mean that’s the reason I eavesdropped. I just– promise, looked from afar. Youngjae looked kinda pumped up when he asked me about Hyunjae so I was curious.” You rambled, a pout on your face.

Hyungseo just laughs at you, putting an arm around your shoulder as he dragged you to the room.

“It’s okay. I was going to tell you anyway,” He winks, and he enters the room alone. Your eyes immediately drop to Hyunjae, with whom you shared a second of eye contact before he looked away.

“Hi,” You start, poking his shoulder the moment you take your seat, ignoring Eunbin jokingly giving you a disgusted face and Hyungseo’s smirk as he starts preparing for class.

Leaning closer to Hyunjae, your desk tipped as you expect Hyunjae to give at least a hello back.

But he doesn’t. He only glances at you from the side and pushes your desk back properly with his discreet hand.

You let out a confused sound, your eyes widening. You hear Eunbin snort and you turn to look at Hyungseo who confusingly sat beside Hyunjae, eyeing him.

“Try again next time, honey,” Eunbin caresses your arm with a teasing smile on her face, giving you an encouraging nod before Mr. Kim steps inside the room.

Your eyes only linger at Hyunjae and your mind just keeps thinking of all the things you might’ve possibly done in the past two days you met Hyunjae the whole day.

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

And the fact that you concluded you didn’t do anything just made you want to get to know him more, pester him more.

“Hi!” You jump in front of Hyunjae, walking backward. You just smiled at him, your hands at your back as you, once again, shamelessly stared at him with curiosity in your eyes.

Hyunjae just looks at you for a second, then forward. You were much shorter than him, so it was easy to ignore you in front of him with your height as he strides forward, his destination in sight.

You pout, slouching as you throw a fit in front of him.

“Hyunjae, Hyunjae, Hyunjae.. Hyunjae!” You continue, stomping like a kid who didn’t get what they wanted in the toy store. Hyunjae just sighs and tucks his hands in his uniform pants, continuing to walk forward. When you stop to try and block him, he swiftly escapes you so you just run back in front of him. “Did I do something? We haven’t even talked and you’re so cold!”

Your words didn't faze Hyunjae. He continued to walk like there was no one in front of him getting his attention.

Everybody looked in pity as you– the social butterfly of the whole school, failed to get the attention of the ice-cold newcomer.

"Look, Lee Hyunjae. I just want to be friends. What the hell did I do?" You continue to whine, tailing him to your seats. "Is it the fact that I like you or what?"

Those words. Those were the only words that had finally made Hyunjae look at you even if it was a scowl. Nevertheless, it made you happy.

"Oh.. So I just have to say I like you tons of times to keep you on your toes and for you to at least glance at me," You slyly nod, giving him a squint as he just shakes his head.

You finally head back to your seat, a satisfied smile plastered permanently on your face as you stick your tongue out to Eunbin.

Hyunjae's cold actions are noticed by his two closest friends, though. He's been the talk of the students the moment he had stepped in the gates without a smile on his face.

"I can't believe even y/n can't get through you after a week," Youngjae says, munching in his burger as his eyes land on you with a pout that stared at Hyunjae's back with a pout. "She never failed at getting friends." The thought made him chuckle, though.

"True. You're nothing like the kid from the daycare," Hyungseo stops chewing the moment he realizes the weight of his words, uttering numerous apologies to Hyunjae that acted nonchalantly, but the two knew better.

Hyunjae just quietly swallows his food, giving Hyungseo a small smile.

"It's fine," Hyunjae says, then heaving a deep sigh from his nose.

The other two share a look, and they just decide to let the topic go.

"But why don't you talk to y/n though? They don't bite," Youngjae stumbles to the original topic back, chuckling at your state.

Hyunjae surprisingly gives a light, short chuckle, looking at the two men in front of him.

"I don't need anybody else but the both of you, and the rest of the kids from the daycare."

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

“Hyunjae.” You poke his shoulder with a pen, tipping your desk once again to bring yourself closer to him despite him ignoring you. “Hey,” You kept on pestering him, and Hyunjae only glanced to see if it was important or not. A smile tugs on your lips when he does, giving him a neatly folded paper with your writing on it.

Hyunjae sighs and gets it from you out of curiosity, letting you watch from the side with a smile and an expecting look.

I like you!

Those three words are simply written on the paper, but blaring at Hyunjae. His stoic face remained untouched, crumpling the paper and throwing it in his bag.

You whine, muttering “Cold,” as you feel his hand push the metals of your desk back to their place again as he usually does when you habitually tipped on your desk.

And you continue it for a few more days.

Those little notes you gave to him just end up getting thrown into his bag, unscathed.

“At least he doesn’t crumple it,” You chuckle at Eunbin as if you have just made a point.

“You’re.. Kidding me. Right?” Eunbin scoffs in disbelief, “I can’t believe you’re that persistent, what the fuck?” She shakes her head, her eyes watching you take your usual seat behind Hyunjae whose nose is stuck on the calculus book.

“Hi Hyunjae,” You greet him, used to being ignored as you hop back to your seat.

“Hyungseo,” As if it was the first time hearing him, your head shoots up from your phone to Hyunjae, your eyes wide and mouth gape– like Eunbin.

You, or simply the whole class except Hyungseo, haven't heard Hyunjae much after he introduced himself a month ago.

You watch them exchange a conversation quietly, Hyunjae asking how this math equation was– you didn’t get what the question was.

“Oh, y/n’s good at calc,” Hyungseo looks at you frozen in your place, blinking at him.

“I– what? Calculus? Hell yeah! I can he–,”

“No thanks. I’ll get this soon,” Hyunjae dismisses you, making you shut your mouth in an instant and your lips formed into a pout, looking at Hyungseo who only gave you an apologetic smile.

And you question yourself once again if you ever did something to Hyunjae.

Feeling discouraged and a little offended by the sudden outburst, you sink on your seat as the day passes.

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

Maybe you were just annoying. At least, to him. But what can you do? You liked the man, and you weren’t even giving him advances. You just wanted to be friends, at least, for now.

Overthinking your personality, you find yourself a little bit timid than you had never been, only accepting the continuous greeting from people you were familiar with.

Even Eunbin realizes the small change of yours.

“The fuck’s wrong with you?” Eunbin nudges your side, and you only give a shake of the head. “Don’t tell me Hyunjae’s getting to you.”

“I don’t know, Eunbin, maybe he is.” You shrug your shoulders, pulling her to start walking to your room.

You sigh, feeling small only at the sight of Hyunjae quietly reading his calculus book again.

Hyunjae notices the past few days that you weren’t giving him your usual, cheery Hi Hyunjae, or the simple notes that had the same writings of I like you.

Or so he knew.

Sneaking his hand to his bag, he reached for any paper that he reached first and made sure you weren’t looking at him, nor Eunbin.

He sighs as he sees what was written inside, feeling a little sorry.

The Legend of the Banana. He feels his head pound, you may have given up on him. He sneaks another paper, opening it.

The Legend of the Pineapple. Yeah– you’ve given up on your paper confessions.

Hyunjae was positive you wrote just basically anything in the papers you gave to him, knowing he’d only throw it on his bag without opening it.

He looks at the window beside him, catching a glimpse of your reflection that only had your head down on the desk, facing the windows beside you too.

And he guesses, maybe you didn’t deserve anything he’s given to you. That is, getting ignored.

“Hyunjae!” Hyungseo wakes him up from the small zone out he had gotten, grimacing. He takes another glance at your reflection, confused as to why Hyungseo had to shout at him as you looked at his back. “I’ve been calling you for minutes already, you good?” Hyungseo shifts on his seat, garnering most of their classmate’s, including yours, attention.

“Yeah, yeah. Of course. I’m good,” Hyunjae steals a glance at you, and you were already shifting back to your position a while ago, uninterested in their conversation you would often poke your nose at. “What’s up?” Hyunjae hides the disappointment in his voice, trying to focus on Hyungseo.

“Okay, weird. But here– there’s this party that’s hosted for our block and.. Do you want to go?”

“Who’s going?” Hyunjae almost instantly asks back, expecting you to start jumping on your seat to get into the conversation. He bites his lower lip in anticipation, unconsciously gritting his teeth as he waits for you.

None came.

Hyungseo raises his brow at the man in front of him– all worked up.

“What’s up with you?” Maybe Hyungseo senses it, but he doesn’t want to read between things too much that can make Hyunjae uncomfortable so he zips his lips.

“I.. okay. Sorry. When is it?” Hyunjae disappointingly mutters, looking down and facing forward to sit properly.

“Wait, you’re going?” Hyungseo springs to his seat, excited at the thought of Hyunjae, for the first time after they’ve reconciled, is finally going out with them.

“Yeah sure. I mean, it’s just a normal party, right? Not some sort of frat or any wild things,” He confirms, having only agreed because he felt bad for Hyungseo and Youngjae who tried their best to get close to him again.

And maybe because he was too sure you were going, too.

He was right.

Not so timidly entering the dim house with Youngjae on his side, who did not hesitate to greet everyone that passed by him.

You were there, on the other side of the house, with a non-alcoholic drink in your hand as you swiftly talked to one of your seniors.

“Someone’s been looking at you the moment they stepped in my house,” Wooyoung narrows his eyes on you, then pouting to the main doors.

You scoff at him, but your eyes still look for the one he was describing. Hyunjae, who Wooyoung was describing, was long dragged by Youngjae away from sight to play some ping pong games Hyunjae didn’t know how, so your eyes landed on a schoolmate you’ve only shared frequent smiles with– Hyunjin.

“Ah,” You can’t hide the disappointment in your voice when you instinctively mutter that, Wooyoung cackling at you.

“Why, were you expecting someone else?”

“Hyunjae,” You sulk, turning back to Wooyoung after smiling at Hyunjin.

“Too bad I can’t remember names,” Wooyoung shrugs, patting your arm. “Now if I may, I’ll leave you to have your fun while I keep on welcoming new guests.” Wooyoung smiles at you, ruffling your hair that you’ve prepared for almost half an hour after hearing– eavesdropping, that Hyunjae was going to the party.

Eunbin finally arrives not long after, and you engage in more conversations with the people around you, not a second did you see Hyunjae until Wooyoung called for a game that parties can’t miss on, question or dare.

“Do you want to join?” Eunbin asks you first, and you shrug so you let Eunbin drag you to the forming circle.

“Come on, man. You haven’t played a single game the whole night. Are you planning to just stand around? Let’s play!” You hear Youngjae faintly whining in the background, and you could feel your heartbeat faster at just the sound of someone sighing, letting the younger drag him on the circle, in front yet far from you.

Your eyes linger on him as if it still was the first time seeing him. You were lovestruck. Anyone could see that.

Except him.

Hyunjae’s eyes unconsciously wander around for someone until they land on yours. Habitually, you would’ve smiled at him or even winked, but before you break eye contact, Hyunjae does it.

You pout, slouching on your place and brushing your hair back.

The game wasn’t fun. For you, at least. Everyone was having the time of their lives hearing teas and secrets from people they don’t even fully know, chugging on their choice of drinks.

You only realize Hyunjin was playing too when the bottle points on him.

“Since we’re starting over, Hyunjin will give the question or dare to the next person picked by the bottle!” Wooyoung cheerfully shouts, pointing at Hyunjin. He nods, standing on his seat to turn the bottle himself.

It points at you. You don’t know how, but you were almost positive he manipulated it. You have always felt uncomfortable around him, but can’t quite point your finger on why you did, hence only smiles he got from you, never a conversation.

“Oh,” Hyunjin smiles, going back to his seat. “y/n. Question or dare?” Maybe it was just you who judged him too much. You didn’t want any bad blood so you acted as you are, carefree and confident.

“Uhm,” You were hesitating on what to choose, biting on the insides of your cheeks. “I guess I need to choose a question. I don’t know you well enough to trust you on a dare,” It wasn’t a question, really, but the laughs you got from everyone including Hyunjin made it something laughable.

Hyunjae just stared at you, though. You’re like an open book, at least to him. He easily read you, your facial expressions, the small movement your fingers did when you were uncomfortable or anxious– he knew it all in just a short period. He guesses that it was because he saw his younger self in you, but he just knew.

“Do you find anyone attractive in the circle?” Hyunjin’s eyes wander in the circle, propping his wrists back to assist his back in leaning back. He confidently smirks, your eyes landing on Hyunjae momentarily came unnoticed by him.

“Of course, there is,” You smile at Hyunjin, and he thinks it’s himself you were describing. Before he could ask another question he wanted, you already walked to the middle and spun the bottle.

Unfortunately, it didn’t land on Hyunjae. You couldn’t care less, though. You were slowly having your fun in the game after having participated. Not until it lands on you again and Hyunjin volunteers to be your frontman.

“Question or Dare, y/n?” Hyunjin smacks his lips together, waiting for your answer and when you say dare, he chuckles evilly and pops his fingers bones, acting as if he was to give you the hardest dare he can give. “I dare you to date me,”

Despite the harsh cheers you got from the people around, you stayed quiet and stared at Hyunjin, trying to find any other way to escape the situation.

Your fingers continued to pick on the hem of your shirt, swallowing the lump on your throat while Hyunjin waited for you to do something.

“Well, where’s the y/n I know?” Wooyoung continues to encourage you, hollering.

“I uh,” You look around, to Eunbin, to the floor, to your pants, then to the hand that suddenly reached out to you.

“Let’s go,” Hyunjae says, deadpanning as he looks down at you, waving his hand.

The crowd goes quiet, as quiet as to how they perceive Hyunjae to be.

Even you were shocked. Even Youngjae. Even Eunbin. Even Hyungseo. Everyone was, and they were just waiting for you to say something.

“Uh– me?” You ask confusingly, looking at his eyes and back to his hand.

“Do I look like I’m talking to anybody else? Or do you want to stay?” Hyunjae desperately prayed that he didn’t read you wrong or he’d just want the land to eat him from embarrassment. It took a bit of beating himself up mentally if he’ll help you since a while ago or not. So if you were to reject the offer, he’s better off not showing his face in the school the next week.

Ignoring the harsh thumping of your heart, you take his hand and almost jump at how cold it was. Muttering numerous apologies as Hyunjae tugged on your hand til outside, he continued to walk.

“Are.. you going to kill me?” You cautiously ask, slightly dragging your feet to slow his pace.

Hyunjae just realizes his hand is still held to yours, ignoring the temporary warmth your hand gave him.

“I just saved you. Aren’t you going to thank me?” Hyunjae scoffs in disbelief, a sense of coldness still heard through his voice.

“Thank you, I guess,” You mumbled, and it was something in a blue moon that everything was awkward when you were talking to someone. It was the first time you were finally talking to Hyunjae normally after a few months. Of course, everything was awkward– even for him.

“Do you want to take a walk?” Hyunjae courageously makes the first move, his face softening. He feels himself let go of the breath he was holding when you nod, hopping to his side and getting back to your cheerful self.

“Why did you decide to help me? Do you finally like me back?” Hyunjae couldn’t be more grateful when he hears the same words spill out of your mouth, and he doesn’t know why but the smile on your face finally makes him break out of his stoic facade, a small smile leaving his lips. “What the fuck.. Are you for real?” You cautiously poke his arm and gasp when it doesn’t go through, stepping aside.

The little gesture Hyunjae does that goes unnoticed by you is when he tugs you back, away from the middle of the street when he swaps places with you– like the little gesture he does when you tip your desk to him, his hands habitually assisting the desk’s metal from the side to lean it back to its place.

It’s little, so you don’t notice it.

You should’ve.

Instead, you focused on acting shocked at Hyunjae’s sudden change of personality toward you.

“I swear to god, Hyunjae, if you’re planning on murdering me.. Can I make a run for it now?” Your hands exaggeratedly fly to your mouth, covering it.

“Stop being overdramatic, y/n.. I just.. Think of this as an apology, yeah?” Hyunjae stops and you do too, raising a brow at him.

“Apology for what? For not liking me back?” You scoff, waving your hands in his face.

“No. For always pushing you away,” Hyunjae sighs, and he finally gets it off his chest. He felt guiltier day by day when he noticed the way you acted slightly different around everyone, the weight of his own words digging into his consciousness. “And for being a douche,”

You softly smiled at him, shaking your head.

“It’s nothing. But it’s good to know that you know you’re a douche,” You snicker jokingly, making Hyunjae scoff in disbelief. You walk ahead, leaving him alone a few steps back.

It flowed as natural as a river does on a normal day– your conversation, the blooming friendship you had with each other.

And you know for sure it was going to last for a long time.

You knew because Hyunjae was more than comfortable now– even Hyungseo and Youngjae had confirmed that. Maybe it was your aura or the fact that Hyunjae had found a new friend that he can confide in so comfortably, a friend that had no filter in their words, it was all your magic.

“You know, my confession still stands, right?” You continue to dote on Hyunjae, who did nothing but chuckle on your smooth yet rusty lines of confessing your love to him.

That didn’t mean it didn’t make Hyunjae’s heart flutter, though.

After a few more months, you were now both having your friendly date in a simple fast-food restaurant, waiting for him to finish eating. He just gives you a hum, munching on his food.

You give a light laugh as your eyes dart on the big windows, water slowly splattering one by one on it.

“It’s raining!” You sounded enthusiastic for someone who didn’t have an umbrella so Hyunjae looked up at you, then outside to where it was dimming and getting darker because of the clouds that started covering the moon that brightly shined.

“I don’t have an umbrella, though,” He reasons, looking at you again but you had this big smile on your face, enjoying how the rain, one seemingly wouldn’t stop in a heartbeat, met the ground. “You like the rain?” Hyunjae asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah. They feel calming. Unless there are thunderstorms, though. But I like the ambiance the rain gives,” You cheekily scrunch your nose at him, telling him to continue eating. “You’re such a messy eater, you know that?” Your face distorted to a disgusted one, eyeing him.

Getting a piece of tissue and swiftly wiping Hyunjae’s lip was a touch move, it all happened quickly so you miss the faint blush on Hyunjae’s cheeks, too busy with your heart wanting to get out of your ribcage.

“Are you done? Can we go?” You whined like a little kid, pouting at Hyunjae.

“Go where, y/n? It’s pouring,” Hyunjae shakes his head at your tantrum, wiping his lips.

“Let’s just walk around under roofs. I promise I’ll behave!” Yeah, you were acting like a kid that wants everything to go your way.

Hyunjae lets you, though.

Grabbing his things, he realizes your outfits almost matched each other. He wore a simple white shirt inside his black hoodie and track pants, while you wore a black sweater over your shirt too, in your jeans. He chuckles at the realization, seeing that you were already outside and reaching your hand out for the rain.

“Hey,” Hyunjae pulls your hand back, shaking the water off. “It’s either you keep your hands under the roofs or we stay inside the restaurant.” He hisses playfully, and you pressed your lips to a thin line and continued to walk beside him.

Just like that– he was the one almost getting rained on as he swapped your places, and you hesitate whether to comment on it. You decide not to, touched enough by the little gesture.

“There’s a shed there. We can wait there while we wait for the rain to stop,” You point out at the shed in front of a small basketball court, smiling to yourself.

Escaping Hyunjae’s side, you run to the shed while your small hands protect your head for a second from the rain.

Before Hyunjae even scolds you, he stops himself and sighs it away knowing it was no use so he does the same, running beside you.

You shake the water off your body, while Hyunjae elegantly wipes his. Taking the seat first, you sighed in relief after feeling your legs wobble from all the walking when you’ve only really walked for a solid five minutes.

“Tired?” Hyunjae asks, and you only hum in agreement. You watch how the rain falls on the court, splattering around effortlessly. You catch a glimpse of a ball on the sidelines, smiling.

It was a comfortable silence, the rain being the ambiance you loved. Hyunjae, despite being a few inches away from you, felt warm. He only looked forward, seeming to have a lot on his mind.

“You can tell me anything, Hyunjae. I’m not one to rat out,” You mumble, and Hyunjae looks at you fondly. You look back at him, smiling encouragingly. “You don’t have to, either. If you don’t want to,”

It takes a few more minutes of silence until Hyunjae leans back on the wall like you, sighing as he looks away from the rain, and to his phone, he was holding tightly.

“You know this.. Daycare thing with Hyungseo and Youngjae, right?” Hyunjae hesitates, his fingers starting to fiddle with one another as flashbacks start flooding his mind.

“Yeah.. Hyungseo and Youngjae talk about it as if it was an immaculate place endlessly,” You chuckle, recollecting the times Hyungseo often looked excited when talking about the daycare and the friends he made, especially the people who took care of them.. Dearly. And Youngjae, when he just suddenly bursts into your room to talk about how he missed everyone in there. “Go ahead, I’ll just be listening.”

Hyunjae almost broke down at those words. Those were the only words he has been wanting to hear for years, and you were the first one to offer your ear.

And maybe even a shoulder to cry on.

“They were my family. Sangyeon, Joonyoung, Younghoon, Chanhee, Juyeon, Hyungseo, Haknyeon, Hyunjoon, Sunwoo, and Youngjae. And.. the people who took utmost care of us,” You break your stare in the rain, to look at Hyunjae. He had always had this big burden on his shoulders that you always succeeded to see, and everyone turned a blind eye to it. “You see– my parents.. I never felt like their child. One might say that they never really loved me but.. I don’t know. When I turned eighteen, I started to live independently because I thought.. I thought that I’d be fine that way more than staying with them. But there’s this.. y/n.. There’s this really heavy feeling I always kept in my heart and,” Hyunjae sniffs, swallowing the lump on his throat.

It was the first time he was ever telling anyone about the incident, one that scarred him throughout his childhood and the first time he ever felt like bursting or crying.

Your hands meet his, caressing it in the softest way possible to let him know that you were there, listening, there for him.

“I feel like it was all my fault when the incident happened. Day by day as I grew older, I felt my consciousness eating me up,” He finally breaks down, clutching his chest as he lets his tears fall.

The way you see it, you would never understand how Hyunjae feels. You could only sympathize with him, let him and his tears fall because that is what he needed after keeping it for so long.

Feeling your heart break at the sight of Hyunjae breaking, tears also brimmed your eyes. He continued to sob, loud against the continuous droplets of the rain around the both of you.

“Whatever people say,” he says between sobs, his hand that holds his phone tightened. “It doesn’t matter. It’s still there, and I don’t.. I don’t think anyone can change my mind but.. But him.” Hyunjae opens his phone, a contact number you don’t know whose blaring on the screen.

Teacher Changmin.” The name felt so foreign slipping out of his lips for Hyunjae. It has been years he’s ever said his name, or even if he was to still call the now successful man a teacher.

The name was quite familiar to you, and you vividly remember Hyunjae saying one of his hobbies was dancing, but never showed you so you assumed he was bad at it. You were not one fond of dancing but had a lot of interest when watching it, so putting end to ends together, you bit your lip if it was okay to ask him. There were also days the name slipped out of your two friends’ lips, later sealing it back to avoid any more questions that they don’t want to answer.

“Ji Changmin.. Right?” You breathe out, looking at the number. Hyunjae just laughs, even he can’t believe that the person he used to call teacher is now someone who just doesn’t care for eleven kids, but for who knows how many kids as he’s now a world-renowned choreographer.

“I want to talk to him. Badly, y/n. I want to talk to him so much,” Hyunjae’s voice break along with your heart hearing him, making you pull him to your warmth as you quietly hushed him and swayed him continuously like you cradled a baby to sleep.

You feel his hand clutch at your sweater, as he finally sobbed everything he had been keeping for years. All it took was the words you can tell me, and I’m here for you from someone he knows won’t judge him, and wouldn’t blame him for the reasons of one of the closest in his heart’s death.

The loud splattering of the rain against the roofs drowned Hyunjae’s sobs, and just like you, the rain had become something so calming for him.

When he had finally calmed down and the fistful of sweater he had been clutching on had loosened, you broke the hug and looked him dead in the eyes.

“Hyunjae. You don’t need to feel pressured to do anything– I want you to talk to him because you’re ready, not when just because all the people around you make you feel pressured to do so, okay?” You wipe his tears away, ducking to see his face better that only looked down. When his eyes meet yours, “I’ll be there, then.”

Your hands reach for his arms to pull him up, smiling slyly which made Hyunjae chuckle.

“What are you up to, now?” Hyunjae entirely lets himself get dragged until he realizes you were dragging him outside the shed. “y/n! What the fuck you’re going to get sick!” He tries to pull you back but you were already out in the rain, your usual cheery smile plastered on your face that made Hyunjae give in.

“In here– no one will hear you. Against the loud rain, no one ever would! Nor your tears– no one would see them cause they drown in the rain. You would see the look of judgment on the people’s faces but who cares?! If it makes you happy, free.. I want you to be that, at least in front of me.” You shout to him, your eyes squinting as you feel the rain drenching all your clothes and even your socks.

Hyunjae smiles at you– one that he had never given you nor anyone after Changmin left. It was weird, you were weird. How the hell did Hyunjae get to just asking you to come to eat with him outside to a small park court, getting drenched in the rain.. And him screaming all his lungs out?

You just looked at him with a loving look, relieved that Hyunjae is finally letting himself.. Free.

After Hyunjae had said all his frustrations on Changmin and the cruel world, you only realize that Hyunjae was still holding your hand tightly, and he suddenly engulfs you in a hug under the rain.

“Thank you,” Hyunjae simply mutters, and you feel him tighten the hug as he looks up, letting his face get massaged by the rain. His hand lingers at the back of your head, caressing it. He leaves a feathery kiss by the crown of your head, thinking you were too preoccupied with the rain to feel it. You weren’t. You were preoccupied with him, so you did.

That was the time you knew you didn’t just like him. You fucking loved the man in front of you. And you found yourself in the most confusing place you can be– because you knew there was a connection between you and Hyunjae. You aren’t lovers.. But you aren’t just friends, either.

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

Everything became special after that day. Hyunjae had become more lively, still stoic but more open to talking to others he hadn't had the chance to talk to. It made you wonder, though– how he changed drastically in just a couple of months.

You’d want to take credit for that, but you don’t speak about it.

“y/n,” Eunbin shakes your arm, making you look at her. “You’re smiling again,” She rolled her eyes, and you could only chuckle.

You hear Hyunjae, Hyungseo, and Youngjae’s voices from outside of your room, and your eyes habitually land on the door to wait for them.

Hyunjae had this big smile plastered on his face, one you still can’t grow used to when he’s in his uniform. Hyungseo has his head locked in Hyunjae’s arms, begging to be released while Youngjae cheered for Hyunjae, tailing in the back. Before Youngjae parted ways with them, your eyes met, and you both smiled at each other in acknowledgment.

Hyunjae strides back to his seat, giving you a small smile and taking his seat.

“y/n, Eunbin,” Hyungseo calls you and your friend, making you perk on your seat.

“Yeah?”

“Are you free later? There’s this really good ice cream par–,”

“y/n’s walking me home later,” Hyunjae cuts Hyungseo short, making Hyungseo, Eunbin, and even you crane your necks.

“I am?” You confirm, furrowing your brows to try and trying to recall any memory you might have forgotten.

“You are,” Hyunjae shrugs, shifting on his seat to look in front. You mindlessly nod, muttering a small sorry to Hyungseo.

“Sorry, I needed to talk to you,” Hyunjae says after you wait for him to gather his things, most of your classmates have already gone out to head home.

“And you couldn’t have done that a while ago?” You chuckle but wait for him anyway. “What are we going to talk about? Are you finally going to acknowledge my continuous love letters for you?”

“I just.. Wanted to talk. Is that bad?” Hyunjae hisses at you playfully, squinting his eyes. You just laugh it away, Him ignoring your flirty remarks come unnoticed.

The dark clouds have started to conquer the bright sky, the sun setting.

“Okay– but should it be the other way? Shouldn’t you be walking me home?” You pressed on, but you were still heading to his. You don’t mind having to walk only a few blocks away from your home. Eunbin and Hyunjae lived only a few blocks away from you, but Eunbin always had meetings for her organizations so you rarely walked home with her.

“My house’s closer than yours,” Hyunjae lamely excuses, tugging you once again on the other side to protectively walk on the side of the highway.

“Hey, graduation’s close. You never told me what you want to take on in college,” You gasp, even after a year of being friends with him, you don’t even know where he’ll be after graduating high school.

“Not sure, but the first thing that comes to mind is probably business or.. Criminal justice. I’ve always wanted to be a banker or.. a.. Uh,” Hyunjae stumbles in his words, too embarrassed to say what his childhood dream was.

“What? You want to become a murderer or what?” Joking, you smack his arm lightly.

“A secret agent or something,” He whispers, but you got it and you stop yourself from bursting into laughter.

“That’s.. A nice dream,” You bite your lip, inhaling a good amount of air to calm your insides.

Hyunjae sighs as he snakes an arm around your shoulders, and your expressions froze as it was.

“What the fuck are you doing?” You mumble, trying to pry away from his hold but he just tightens it, “Are you going for a chokehold or something?”

“Someone’s following us.” Hyunjae kept his eyes forward and wasn’t looking nervous. If anything, he just looked tired.

You whip your head back only for your cheek to be pushed by Hyunjae’s fingers.

“Are you serious or?” You mumble but take his advice anyway. You start to get nervous little by little, feeling more cautious by your surroundings as you hear, you assumed, the person who was following you getting nearer.

Hyunjae feels your shoulders tense, and finally, he bursts out in rage. Groaning, he stops in his tracks when his house is already in sight, and for a second you thought he was going to confront the stalker.

He does.

“Stay here,” He says under his breath, gritting his teeth as he pats your shoulders softly. You try stopping him, grabbing his wrists tightly but he effortlessly snaps it off, too ticked off by the person who was now obviously hiding on a thick post, acting as if he was on his phone.

Hyunjae takes the cap off the man, revealing someone very familiar to him and makes his heart shatter at the obvious lines in his face– Ji Changmin.

“Either just talk to me or stop following me every fucking time,” Hyunjae challenges, begs. You stay on your spot, too shocked at what was happening in front of you.

Changmin’s eyes widen softly, as he’s finally gotten a better and closer look at the kid he had always kept an eye on, even after his disappearance.

“Hyunjae..” Changmin mumbles then looks down at his feet. He feels too ashamed to face the now grown-up, the one he so adored but still left alone in the cruel world.

The next thing you know, you were dragged inside Hyunjae’s house, awkwardly sitting between the solo-seat sofa where Changmin was and Hyunjae who was beside you.

“I.. uhm, should get going.” You mumble, gathering your things. Changmin just stares fondly at you, a small smile on his face. His eyes later landed on Hyunjae’s hands that stopped your wrists.

“I need you..” Hyunjae whispers, his eyes begging you to stay. “Don’t go, please..” He urges, and you just plop back on the seat with a sigh.

Your eyes start going back and forth from Changmin to Hyunjae, waiting for someone to start talking.

You glance at Hyunjae’s hands, and he was severely fiddling with it. Sighing, you take a hold of his hand to stop it, intertwining it with yours.

“If you’re not ready, it’s okay. He’s here, and you have his number. But if you are ready– like I told you, I’ll be here,” You caress his knuckles with your thumb, and he looks at you hopefully.

“I’m ready,” Hyunjae smiles at you, tightening his hold on yours. Giving him another encouraging smile, you nod.

Changmin watches the short exchange with sweet eyes, a smile continuously growing on his lips. He recollects the time he spent with his significant other when Hyunjae was still small.

But now, Hyunjae has grown up right in front of his eyes, looking at someone like how Changmin did with his significant other.

“It’s okay, y/n. You should stay,” Changmin takes the initiative, smiling at you.

“You even got a background on my friends?” Hyunjae scoffs, and you stay quiet. “Teache– I mean, Changmin. You’ve been tailing me after you left. You’ve been keeping people on my tabs– why.. Just why can’t you talk to me personally?” Hyunjae’s voice comes off as cold, rude. But you and Changmin knew better than to let it get the best of you, opting to let Hyunjae say whatever he wants to say in any manner to the man.

“Because if you weren’t ready, Hyunjae, I am not too.” Changmin shortly replies, and you could feel Hyunjae’s nails pick on your skin. You don’t tell him about it though, understanding how frustrating the situation was.

“So you want the kid who you left alone, talk to you first? Is that it?” Hyunjae feels tears brimming his eyes, but he doesn’t let them fall.

“No, Hyunjae. I.. I just don’t want to hurt you more than you’re hurting now. If you still haven’t moved on from.. Their death.. Then I can still imagine how much I can still hurt you by showing my face after leaving you.” Changmin had all the answers prepared for Hyunjae’s questions because had always been ready. He just doesn’t want Hyunjae to feel bad for having to deal with his feelings.

He knows he hurt Hyunjae a great deal when he left. Hyunjae had always been one of the reasons for his stay at that time, pursuing his dreams a little bit later. It just so happened that his significant other meant much more than love to him. So when they died.. A part of him died too, but his dreams.

His dreams were the only thing that kept him away from the void. But he knows better than to leave his significant other’s life– the daycare and the kids they adored and loved so much, alone and to grow up like the daycare never happened in their lives.

He made sure that every kid his significant other cared for, grew up like how they both had hoped for, and enough to live and survive in the tough, cruel world.

Like how Hyunjae had grown up.

Hyunjae stays quiet, and all of a sudden, looking at the man he once looked up to– and still is, makes everything fade away. His anger, disappointment, confusion, and everything the like, disappeared when he looked into Changmin’s eyes.

Because it beamed nothing but sorrow and honesty. He knew that if he wasn’t to forgive Changmin yet this instant, he knew he’d just be playing games with himself.

Hyunjae simply stared. There were no more words that slipped out of his mouth, vividly remembering the last time he saw Changmin’s significant other. The one he treated as a family along with Changmin. Hyunjae’s time with them and Changmin.

Because after the daycare closed, his mind only revolved on reconnecting what was once a home for him, along with the people in it.

He holds back a sob, not wanting to break, at least yet, in front of Changmin. But the moment your other hand caresses your intertwined hands, he lets everything dawn into him.

He finally lets his tears flow, looking exhaustedly at Changmin who was already crying since a while back.

“I missed you,” Hyunjae mumbles. Seeing them so broken, even Changmin who you just knew from your friends’ stories, made your heart ache. “I missed you so much,” Hyunjae sobs, letting go of your hand to jump on Changmin’s arms.

You proudly smile, wiping the lone tear that escapes your eyes as you watch them share a brotherly– or fatherly hug.

You knew Hyunjae’s life would change then.

He became someone so fresh in other people’s eyes– someone who changed for the better, someone who’s finally worth approaching. But not for you, because Hyunjae has always been like that.

Your persistence was something you should be proud of because it was something that brought you closer to Hyunjae.

And maybe your feelings too.

What you felt for Hyunjae the first time you met, or rather, looked at Hyunjae, everything was still the same. If not, then harder. You deserve a round of applause for trying to be okay with what you have with Hyunjae now, not giving your feelings a second thought to Hyunjae.

Why were you so satisfied with having a label of no label?

“Hey!” Hyunjae suddenly appears behind you, scaring the fuck out of you. “What are you thinking so deeply about?” He chuckles, tucking his hands in his hoodie.

“How I should murder you for being so late. Come on, it’s graduation day and we’re fucking late,” You hiss at him playfully, making him chuckle. “If only Eunbin wasn’t part of the organization, I would be walking with her by now,”

“And leave me? I bet you can’t,” Hyunjae asks– it was supposed to be a joke. You should be taking it lightly. Why did it hit harder now?

“You bet right then,” You just say under your breath, sighing.

“What?”

“I said you should fucking walk faster or I’ll come for your throat. My parents are already there,” You groan, looking at the time.

“You’re walking behind me!” Hyunjae defends, an offended look on his face. He aggressively walks to you, then lifts you on your feet to his shoulders.

“Hyunjae! My hair! I took hours for this!” You continue to hit his back, trying to save your oh-so-messy hair now.

When he drops you, you’re already in front of the school gates.

“I swear to god, one day– I might just,” Raising your fist, you manage to threaten Hyunjae as he backs away from your hit.

Combing your hair smoothly against your hair with a pout on your face, Hyunjae watches for a second before dropping his and your things on the floor, standing in front of you.

He smiles at you, then removes your hand from it. He takes the time to smoothen your hair, giving it the most natural look it can get after ruining it. You made this time to look at Hyunjae, feeling your cheeks flush at the proximity.

Your heart was thumping more than it ever did around Hyunjae. You didn’t want to admit it, no. You just liked Hyunjae.

But did it matter? You were neither friends nor lovers. There were a lot of times that what you did with Hyunjae proved that the line between friends and lovers was blurred. You were confused, scared.

But satisfied.

If it meant that you were both happy, you were satisfied.

You shouldn’t have been.

“There,” Hyunjae smugly looks at you, proud of his work. “Are you ready to get out of high school?” He asks with an expecting smile, making you chuckle. He reaches his hand out for you to take, dragging you inside in a rush.

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

“You’re still going to visit me, right?” Youngjae asks, sobbing childishly as he hugged Hyunjae tightly. Hyunjae simply hums, letting Youngjae dampen his regalia with his hat in hand.

Bidding your parents goodbye to hang out a little with your friends, you laughed at the sight.

“As if we’re going so far, Youngjae,” You squint your eyes at him then looked at Hyunjae, who begged you to come to get the sobbing man. You open your arms for Youngjae and he doesn’t hesitate to get to your embrace, mumbling small I’ll miss you’s, and continuously asking to come and visit him from time to time.

“Youngjae, Hyungseo," You call your friends’ attention, looking at Hyunjae for confirmation. He leaves with a light jog, smiling. “Hyunjae and I kinda prepared a surprise for you. I hope you’re all free?”

“Hell yeah, we are,” Hyungseo mumbles, and you lead them out of the place and to the parking lot. They seemed excited, which was good. You just wished your surprise went as planned.

“By the way, where’s Eunbin?” Hyungseo asks, making a small effort to enlighten the atmosphere.

“Ah, she already went home. Wanting to spend the special day with her parents. If y’all are still free in the week, she said she’ll make time,” The small talk continued until you were finally in the parking lot, asking them to close their eyes for a sec.

“y/n, I swear, if my pretty faces come flat on the–”

“You can open your eyes!” Cutting Youngjae off, they squinted their eyes that later formed tears.

Changmin was in front of them. The kids that grew up well with them in the daycare were all there, smiling proudly at the two.

“Oh my god,” Hyungseo’s hand comes in contact with his mouth, containing his sobs.

He counts– Changmin. Hyunjae. Juyeon. Chanhee. Younghoon. Joonyoung. Sangyeon. Hyunjoon. Sunwoo. Haknyeon. Everybody was there– and he could vividly remember their faces but still managed to know who’s who. Because if you didn’t get it, Hyungseo was the most observant man you’d ever seen.

Youngjae collapses in his place, hugging his knees. His dream finally came true– they were complete. He hesitates to look at them the second time, scared that if he did they might disappear, scared that it was all a dream.

It wasn’t. When he feels your hand caress his back to encourage him, he looks up to you with hopeful eyes.

“They’re finally here, Youngjae.” You whisper, and later it is all drowned as all of them run to Youngjae with big smiles on their faces, ruffling his hair. You take a step back, giving them the space they needed.

You just lovingly stare at them, and you only realize that Hyunjae and Changmin just stare from afar too, Changmin’s arm loosely slung around the slightly taller man’s shoulders.

And you have never felt so proud of someone else before.

“You should go with us. We’re planning on eating outside,” Changmin smiles softly at you, like how he did when Hyunjae dragged you inside his home that night.

“No, sir– uh, Changmin..? Teacher Changmin? I don’t know– but it’s okay! You should have time for yourselves since it’s been a long time and–”

“y/n’s going!” Hyunjae cuts you off, pushing you to walk with them.

“Hyunjae, no! You fuck– you should spend time with them,”

“Ah! You should get to know them,” He giddily smiles, even wiggling his hips as he continues to push you. Ignoring your protests, you just suddenly see yourself sitting beside who you knew was Sangyeon and Hyunjae.

“Hello,” Sangyeon mumbles, before taking a seat. You smile at him, awkwardly shuffling on your seat. “I’m Sangyeon,” Not wanting to have an awkward atmosphere between the both of you, he starts a conversation.

“Hi! Yes, hello. I’m y/n,” You were good at socializing, but being with the people who knew each other but you, you start feeling left out and awkward.

“I assume you’ve met at least half of us?” Sangyeon says, handing you one of the foods to let you get some.

“Thanks. Yeah, I’ve met Sunwoo, Younghoon, and Chanhee once a while back, because of Youngjae and Hyungseo,” You explain, instantly finding comfort in talking to him. “And if running into your.. Teacher? Counts.. Then I’ve met him a couple of times too, because of Hyunjae.”

The conversation flows naturally as if you’ve known each other for years.

Hyunjae notices this but doesn’t talk about it since, well, making friends was your thing in the first place.

The chats fade in the background, one voice toppling over another. You– or they, caught up with each other and chatted the night away.

“Right, y/n,” Changmin calls for your attention after introducing you to everybody bashfully. “Hyunjae mentioned that you’d want to apply for Harvard with him?”

With everybody’s eyes on you, you grew nervous. Hyunjae notices this, taking a hold of your hand under the table.

“Uh, yeah. I mentioned it to him first, though,” You squint your eyes at Hyunjae, making most of them chuckle. “But yeah. Just wanted to try though. If I pass, then I pass, I’d gladly take the offer. If I don’t, then it’d be okay too, there are various outstanding universities here anyway,” You answer, and Changmin just nods.

“Tell me if you pass and are going, though. I can offer you a lodge so that you wouldn’t be hassled,” Changmin offered and you nodded thankfully.

Spending the afternoon with them, you found their company very relaxing and playful. Though you weren’t able to have a conversation with half of them, at least, they made you feel like you were one of them.

After exchanging numbers with them, and them with each other, they finally bid their temporary goodbyes, promising to have another meet-up soon and to be in contact with one another.

“It was fun getting to know you,” Sangyeon says before sweetly patting your head, heading his way after nodding at Hyunjae.

“Lovebirds,” Changmin calls for someone, making you look at him and around. It was only you and Hyunjae left.

Confused, you pointed at yourself as Changmin chuckled.

“Yes, the both of you. Aren’t you heading home yet?” Changmin steps closer to the both of you, his car keys dangling between his fingers.

“I’m taking y/n somewhere first, then I’ll take them home,” Hyunjae says, looking around to see if it was still worth dragging you out for the night.

“Make sure you do,” Changmin reprimands and bid goodbye before going his way.

“Where are you taking me again?” Squinting your eyes, you follow Hyunjae to where he was heading.

“The park. I’m just.. So overwhelmed today. So I wanted a night out,”

“You did well today, Hyunjae. I’ve never seen you so happy,” He hums in agreement because it was indeed the happiest he’s been after years. “I’m uselessly proud of you,” You chuckle at your own words, trying to think of any reason why you’re so proud of him but there was none.

“I need to thank you for everything,” Hyunjae says, taking a seat on one of the free places on the grass. It was already dark, so there were only a few people around.

“You don’t need to, Hyunjae. All I did was stay beside you.”

“That’s why,” He lays on his back, prompting you to do the same. Before your head touches the grass, Hyunjae’s arms spread to make it a pillow for yours.

The gesture was small, but your heart was thumping out of your ribcage.

“You’ve always been there. And without you, I don’t know where the fuck I am now,” He sighs, folding his elbows to scoot you closer to him.

You act nonchalantly, looking straight into his eyes. You think you just saw the stars in it. You see sincerity, fondness, and if you weren’t imagining it– love.

He sighs out in relief, finally letting you lay in peace as you look at the now bright stars.

“I’ve always wanted to stargaze but never had the chance to,” You mumble, taking Hyunjae’s attention. “Now that I’m staring at it, it feels unreal.”

“It’s nice I dragged you with me again, then,” He smirks, calming his heart at the way it abnormally beats.

He asks himself all over again if you were feeling the way he was– or was this all normal for you? The countless flirty remarks and playful confessions can’t get to him, it was just all confusing.

And maybe he found himself just getting satisfied with what the both of you are now, too. He doesn’t want to overthink his feelings and yours, because if it really was something, it should’ve happened by now.

So he thought these were all normal. How you both act was normal. What you were.. Was normal.

“Shooting star!” You continuously smack Hyunjae’s chest, and when he groans, you intertwine your fingers to wish.

“You’re so childish,” Hyunjae mumbles, looking at the trace of where the shooting star was. Despite his words, his inner self made a quiet wish– and that was to maintain solemnity in his life full of chaos.

The solemnity was you.

“Hey. Not childish at all,” You retort after a few seconds, done with making a wish. “If it’s not true, then what’s there to lose?”

“Hope.” Hyunjae surprisingly had an answer to your rhetorical question, making you pout. Hyunjae laughs at you, tucking you closer to his side.

You realize that he was right. Hope. Because if your wish was to be with Hyunjae like this forever, and it wouldn’t come true, your hope melts into nothingness.

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

“You reveal your universities first!” You pout, hiding the bunch of welcoming papers behind your back as Hyunjae did the same.

“Fine, then! I can just ask Eunbin for yours,” Hyunjae sticks his tongue out, and you whine.

“That’s not fair! Why don’t we just reveal it together?” You stomp like a child on your place, making Hyunjae chuckle.

“One, two, three!” You both squeal at having the same designs of papers, passing the same universities even in college.

After exchanging papers and sharing a quiet, knowing look, the smiles on your faces continue to grow, “SNU!” You simultaneously shout your choices, squealing when you both said the same university.

“We should enroll together with Hyungseo to at least get one minor together,” Hyunjae suggests, and you could only nod at the excitement of starting college soon.

“We both didn’t pass Harvard, but we can try again next year,” You chuckled, wiggling your hips as Hyunjae joined you.

Nothing stopped the both of you from gluing your hips together. You both were inseparable– whether it may be your breaks, or walking home back again. The universities weren’t that far from your homes, saving you more money than expected.

You think nothing changed. You still had him, Hyungseo often hangs out with the both of you, Eunbin– who was schooling in the neighboring university, also hangs out normally with you.

You think nothing changed.

Until it did.

“Hyunjae!” You see him hanging outside the room with the class you shared with him and Hyungseo, leaning on the wall. “Were you waiting for me? Aw, so swee–”

“Waiting my ass. Just go inside and save me a seat, will you?” He chuckles, and you thought he was joking. So you hopped inside the room, saving the two seats beside you and the other for Hyungseo.

“Hyun– he’s not here.” You mumble, your eyes tracking back to the windows that showed a little of Hyunjae’s side. “The fuck?”

You look at him for a few seconds while getting your things out of your bag, pouting when he still hasn’t moved an inch. You suppose he was just waiting for Hyungseo.

He wasn’t.

Standing on both feet, Hyunjae finally straightens his back as he smiles oh-so-sweetly to a girl you don’t know and can’t familiarize, his hand scratching his neck bashfully as he reaches out to her.

For the first time, you feel your heart breaking at just the sight.

No. It’s just friendly talk. With the shy smile plastered on Hyunjae’s face, and his hands that kept flying to his neck, to the way he timidly twirled in his place– you wished it was friendly talk.

“He’s going to melt at that point if you keep on staring at him like that,” Hyungseo walks to you, taking the other seat. You only smile at him, trying to focus on taking your things out as you trail your eyes on your things.

It didn’t last long. When you hear your professor’s heels clacking on the tiled floor, your eyes panic as you see Hyunjae pass the door.

“He’s going to be fucking late,” You mumble, quickly standing up to run to the floor and to him, stopping only on the doorsill to see him only in the next room.

Perfect timing– you guess. The girl was just giving him his phone back, also heaving a sweet smile on her face. You see Hyunjae’s ears turn red, chuckling to himself as he takes his phone back and bids goodbye to the girl, as she finally strides back to her room.

Hyunjae turns to go to his room, as he sees you with empty eyes looking at him.

“What’s wrong with you?” He asks, waving his hand in front of you. You shot back to your senses, eyes darting anywhere but his.

“You’re going to be late, loser,” Punching his chest lightly, you jog back to your seat, but not where you were a while ago. Hyungseo coincidentally has another available seat on his other side, taking that seat after pushing your things to that side.

“What are you doing?” Hyungseo watches you do your thing confusingly, but lets you anyway.

Before Hyunjae had even entered the door, you had naturally taken your seat. Your heart aches, but you don’t let it show. It aches, but you ignore it.

It was too early to assume. Because who knows if they only exchanged numbers because of group work? A project? Just a newly made friend that you wanted their number? Who even knows if they exchanged numbers? Hyunjae must’ve left his phone in his last class who happened to be with her and had his phone.

Coincidences– you wished.

Hyunjae, puzzled, takes his seat beside Hyungseo. It was weird that you weren’t in the middle, where you usually were, but he let class continue anyway.

It was a heavy feeling. Ominous one. Yet you keep burying it under and deep in your heart. It isn’t that big. It was. And you yourself knew it.

You told everything to Eunbin, in hopes of telling it to someone might make the feeling in your chest lighten in the slightest– but it doesn’t.

Because you were watching the person you loved fall in love with someone else right in front of your eyes.

Hard-headed. Eunbin says. You throw the feeling again for the nth time. Avoid him. Eunbin says. You can’t– and you didn’t have a reason to.

Eating popsicles on your break at the bleachers, you lazily watch the soccer players kick the ball around with Hyunjae on your side.

“Number 13 will definitely score,” You mumble, making Hyunjae chuckle.

“No. Number 24 will,” He retorts, pointing his popsicle at number 24.

“Aight, bet,” You smile slyly, and the both of you intently watch the small game that was happening feet away from you. “Come on, number 13! You always score!” You shout, removing the popsicle from your mouth and garnering half the field’s attention. Hyunjae pulls you down, covering your mouth with his big ass hands.

“You’re so embarrassing,” Hyunjae mumbles, popping the flavored ice in his mouth to get you in a chokehold.

Faking a cough, Hyunjae finally lets you go as you huff.

“Ah.. my hair, Hyunjae!” You exasperatingly sigh, combing your hair. And just like that day– graduation, Hyunjae helps you with it. Heart thumping, cheeks red.

Hyunjae suddenly pushes your head to the side.

“What in the fuck–” You stop yourself from cursing, seeing Hyunjae grow that smile again. It wasn’t the cheeky little smile he always gave you– it was one that he always gave her.

And just like you expected, she was walking in front of the bleachers as she shyly waved at Hyunjae, unaware of your existence beside him.

And just like how your heart was thumping abnormally just seconds ago, it broke a thousand beats more.

“We have finals left before turning into second years,” Hyungseo groans, “and it feels like we’ve been college students for ten years already,” You chuckle at his words, continuing to do your own work.

Feeling your phone vibrate, you fish it out of your pockets mindlessly and check your received messages.

hyunjaehyun: i know finals is right around the corner hyunjaehyun: but are you free later around eight? hyunjaehyun: i want to treat you something good me: who am i to deny free food?

Smiling to yourself, you put your phone back in your pockets as you try your best hiding your smile that only continues to grow.

“Right– y/n. You still plan on submitting an application to Harvard for next year with Hyunjae, right?” Hyungseo asks you, momentarily stopping his hands from writing his modules.

“Yeah, and Hyunjae probably forgot it. I’ll ask him later, though,” You nod, mentally noting yourself to ask Hyunjae about it later.

“I wish you the best. You’ll still keep in contact, right? Because I’ll make Teacher Changmin hunt you down if you don’t,” Hyungseo pouts, squinting his eyes at you as he waits for you to reply.

Setting your pen down, you face him properly.

“How could I leave the people I cherish the most here without my love?” You appealed, winking at him. Squealing both in happiness, you forget your worries for your finals as you chat away instead of finishing your reviewers.

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

Heaving a deep sigh, you excitedly waited on your seat where Hyunjae asked you to meet, a smile on your face. It has been so long since Hyunjae initiated that the both of you eat outside, now that college was happening, your frequent avoidance to him because of your feelings and just you basically being an indecisive person.

One last confession. If he doesn’t take it seriously now..

“Hyunjae!” You raise your hand like a kid, a wide smile on your face as you try getting his attention.

Your heart drops.

That same girl.

That same girl was wearing Hyunjae’s hoodie that you were just borrowing last month.

He was now trailing behind Hyunjae’s broad back, their intertwined hands hidden behind her sweater paws.

Your smile falls, the habit of your nails unconsciously picking on your fingers anxiously coming back.

“y/n,” You hear it even from afar. You can hear it even from miles away. You’ll hear it even when you’re alone. His sweet, soft voice that always called out to you, it remained in your brain, your heart.

And there was no way of erasing it.

He gently tugs her arm, pointing at you.

You keep a small smile, but your eyes just– your eyes just can’t hide anything at the moment. You try your best, but with the excruciating pain you were feeling in your chest, it was impossible.

Hyunjae, the gentleman that he is, pulls the chair for her in front of you, then takes the seat next to hers.

You smile at her politely, showing a little bit of confusion but nothing that might throw her off the wrong impression. Trailing your eyes back to Hyunjae slowly, you give him a look.

“I know we’re all busy. But I just can’t keep it anymore– Jihyun, meet y/n. y/n, meet Jihyun,” He giddily smiles, two of the most important people to him at the moment meeting, “my girlfriend,”

You stop– everything does. From your breathing to the world spinning. It takes time to sink in, and thinking about it more is breaking you little by little, feeling like dying a slow death. It was suffocating.

And with a single fiddle of your nail to your thumb, you feel it sting. It's what brings you back to your senses, your eyes brimming with tears.

“W-why.. Are you crying?” Hyunjae dumbfoundedly shifts on his seat, hesitating whether to caress you like he always did when you broke down in front of him.

“Sorry– Jihyun. Hello, nice to meet you,” You sob, but pull a smile anyway. “I am so fucking sorry,” You sigh, trying to stabilize your breaths.

“Hi.. y/n. Hyunjae told me a lot about you and I’ve seen you around him too, with Hyungseo,” She warily smiles, taking your hand for a shake. “Are you okay?”

Why the fuck does she need to be kind, too?

Why does god always play favorites?

Why does it need to be you who’s breaking?

But then you think again– you’d rather let yourself break than him.

“I’m so sorry, I’m just..” Your eyes land on Hyunjae. It was blurry because of your tears, and it continued to be blurred by your tears. It was hard to stop, with the way you think someone’s hand was clutching your heart. “So proud of Hyunjae,” You mumble, smiling at him.

It hurt. There was nothing more to say, more to describe how you were feeling.

“I’m so proud of him because I’ve seen him look at you from afar,” Your eyes asked for help. But this was the first time Hyunjae couldn’t read you out of all the years he had known you. It was right in front of his eyes– how you were desperate to show him all the love in the world, how you were so desperate that you’d give him all the stars in the sky.

But he was already blinded by the love he had, that he knew was reciprocated.

No confusion, no holding back.

“I’m so proud of him because he deserves everything he has now. So thank you, Jihyun,” You mumble, not a second did your eyes look away from Hyunjae.

You ask with your eyes, just one more time. Read me, Hyunjae. I love you. I’m here. I’m here, I’m here.. I was always here.

But when he smiles proudly then breaks eye contact to look lovingly at Jihyun who did the same, you realize that the stars you saw in his eyes that night you stargazed together, finally shined for someone else’s sky.

“Thank you, y/n,” Jihyun mumbles, her sweet smile so sickeningly too nice for you.

You want to cry your heart out. You wanted to scream. You wanted.. you wanted to let Hyunjae know how much you loved him. You wanted him to know that ever since the beginning, you loved him.

You always had.

Too late.

"I look like a fucking idiot. I'm so sorry, let me just go to the washroom real quick and redeem my pretty face," You excuse yourself, nearly bumping into a few people as you buzz your way to the washroom.

The moment you hear the lock click, your back meets the cold wall. You stare at your reflection hopelessly, looking like a living dead. Your eyes puffy, cheeks dump, and a heart shredded to pieces.

Everything was all over the place, and you closed your eyes to take a minute to yourself.

It was as simple as admitting it was your fault. If you would've told him you loved him earlier, maybe, just maybe, he would've taken your feelings into consideration.

But maybe it wasn't all your fault to hoard. What were the times he looked at you like you were the most precious gem there is? What were the times he held you like he never wanted to let you go? What were the times where he discreetly showed affection to you?

Did you read things too much, or did Hyunjae take things too far?

With the soft knocks on the door, you knew you took too much time. Washing your face quickly and wiping it, you mumbled continuous apologies to the next one in line.

You dreaded coming back. It was basic manners, yet you pulled the Eunbin called and needed help in her house card, excusing yourself to the couple.

"It's late, we can just hang out again after the finals and we can take you home right now." Hyunjae tries to stop you, grabbing your wrist.

You softly wriggle your hand out of his grip, smiling at them.

"It's okay. Take this time to go treat your girlfriend instead of me. You never owe me anything anyway,"

He did. An explanation. An explanation you craved but didn't even know what kind of explanation.

"Okay," A soft pout forming on his lips, disappointed with how you were acting.

"Jihyun. I'm so sorry," You look at her once more, "It was nice meeting you. I'll see you around and.. please," You smile.

As if it was waving a white flag, surrendering.

"Take care of him,"

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

"Congratulations, y/n!" Hyungseo pops a glass of champagne, pointing it at you. "For being a Harvard passer!"

Everyone hollers, Eunbin included. Everyone was here– from Sangyeon, and his friends from the daycare, your closest friends you made in college, the littlest people you remember back in high school, Hyungseo and Youngjae.

Except for Hyunjae.

Even their Teacher Changmin was here– having to ignore his jet lag from flying from Osaka because of his ongoing tour.

It was a surprise made for you, prepared by Changmin and Hyungseo, Eunbin, Youngjae, and Sangyeon.

Hiding your disappointed face when your eyes distinguish light after being covered for a few minutes, you sense Hyungseo kept on checking his phone.

"Sangyeon," You mumble when you see him striding closer to you. "Thank you so much," You smile softly, feeling grateful that even though having interacted only a few times, he helped set everything up.

"It's nothing. You deserve it. Congratulations again," He smiles back, offering you company for a few minutes.

"Thanks," You gulp the non-alcoholic drink in your hand, making an effort to make small talk.

"You're going to take that scholarship, right?" Sangyeon curiously asks, his eyes beaming with it.

"I uh, still going to think about it." You answer truthfully, "I can just apply again if I decide against it now,"

"We even surprised you!"

"Hey! Not my fault you guys decided to surprise me! I didn't even tell anyone I passed," You retort, whining almost.

You and Sangyeon exchange a few more, before Hyungseo coming back and forth from the kitchen finally pisses you off.

"Sorry, Hyungseo's anxious ass is ticking me off. I'll just talk to him for a sec," You excuse yourself playfully at Sangyeon, then striding to the kitchen. "Hyungseo, you've been in and out of the kitchen a hundred times already in the minutes I was talking to Sang, is there something wrong?"

"y/n! Nah, nothing's wrong.." He awkwardly giggles, taking another glance at his phone.

Grabbing his phone, you finally realized why he was so anxious.

me: jae, we're throwing a surprise party for yn me: where the hell are you me: jae me: jae, you're one of their best friends where the fuck are you

And tons more unread messages from Hyungseo to Hyunjae. With a sigh, Hyungseo lets you scroll through the messages.

You were about to hand it back when it suddenly vibrated, and you naturally look at it.

hyunjae: i'm busy today. i don't think i can go. just tell yn i'm busy. hyunjae: what's with the surprise party tho

"This fuck–" Hyungseo mutters, but it didn't matter. you had already read the message, bringing the phone back to him. "I'm so sorry,"

"Hyungseo, the hell are you sorry for?" You chuckled, masking your disappointment once again. "Don't tell him. I'll bring the news to him," You wink, trying to lighten Hyungseo's worries.

It amazingly does. Hyungseo agrees though still worried, he lets it slip off his mind to enjoy the party he coordinated.

The party ended after a few hours, leaving a little more than you had expected, but it was a little fun, nevertheless.

The daycare kids and Changmin were the only ones left, discussing if they were to barge in Hyunjae's crib to see him for at least a second.

Changmin sensed your discomfort the very least, and he read you. You wanted to talk to Hyunjae soonest, and you were planning that night, that second.

"We should all just go home," Changmin suggests, smiling at you. You smile back thankfully. "Hyunjae's probably tired by now. Let's not tire him up more. Finals just happened, let him rest all he can,"

And they all agree. Sangyeon takes a second look at you, finally reading the room.

After tons of sweet goodbyes, and lastly, from Eunbin, you were finally left alone.

Pondering, you continued to sigh if you were just to walk to his house and talk to him.

What did you even want to talk about? It's been a whole month since the incident, and you talked less. Hung out less. Everything less.

But with the calming rain finally pouring, you realize that maybe, it was a sign to talk to him.

Stepping out in just your hoodie and your pants, you walk to his house while slowly getting drenched in the rain.

Taking your time, you think and think again of what to say to him. But when did you ever need to have something to say? You can simply just barge in there.

It wasn't that late. You knew Hyunjae always has a hard time sleeping, you were positive he was still awake. And judging from the lights from the inside, you knew he still is.

Knocking on the door excitedly, you habitually tipped on your toes as you tucked your hands in your pockets for warmth.

Your hair was damp, but you didn't mind. Just like what you said to Hyunjae, you loved the rain. It made you feel calm.

"y/n?" Hyunjae opens the door dumbfoundedly, shocked. "What are you doing here at this hour?" You chuckle at his state, messy bed hair, shirt crumpled as if he just picked it up from the floor.

"I should be asking you the same. When did I ever need to have a reason to visit you?" You scoff, stepping to the side to try and force yourself inside.

You stop.

There she was, Jihyun. On another one of Hyunjae's big hoodies, one that you remember he was wearing earlier in the school today.

In just his hoodie.

Bed hair.

Hickeys.

You swallow the forming dry lump on your throat, trying to process everything.

If you think you broke that day when he introduced Jihyun to you, then you broke more today.

"Ah," You bite your lip, this time not just trying, but doing your best not to cry. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry,"

You can't take it anymore. You excuse yourself before Jihyun even sees you, but Hyunjae stops you once again.

"It's pouring. Do you want an umbrella? Where the hell are you heading now?" Hyunjae continues to ask, getting nothing but sniffs from you. "y/n,"

"Don't worry. I'll be fine in the rain. Did you forget? I love the rain. I'll just be heading to Eunbin's, so no worries. Enjoy the night," You try to laugh. Your voice breaks.

"y/n. I'm sure you came here for a reason. Tell me first,"

"I can tell you tomorrow, you know." With a pat on his arm, you smile reassuringly.

Hyunjae does nothing to stop you once more as you dove through the harsh droplets of the rain, Jihyun's soft calls making him tear his eyes away from your fading form.

You loved the rain for another reason. It sympathized with you. It drowned your tears.

But that was also the day where the rain had given you a reason to hate it.

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

Tomorrow never came for Hyunjae.

As he waited and waited for you in the halls, you never came the whole day. Even in your shared class.

"Hey, have any idea where y/n is?" He asks Hyungseo, who only gives him a shrug.

"Now, you care?" Hyungseo sighs exhaustingly, looking at Hyunjae with eyes he can't fathom.

"What do you mean?" Hyunjae pouts. He thinks back to last night, where he failed to attend your surprise party, "What was the party for, anyway?"

"y/n said they'll be the one to tell you," Hyungseo answers timidly, gathering his things and leaving Hyunjae alone in his thoughts.

What was the party for? Did he forget something? Why weren't you around today? Did you get sick? Or did you just oversleep and decided to just sleep in? Or were you just too tired from last night?

Hyunjae shakes the questions away, remembering the embarrassing moment you had encountered with him and Jihyun last night. He feels his heart drop to his stomach, feeling bad.

"I can just ask her tomorrow,"

Tomorrow never came once again. Neither the next. And the next.

It eventually slipped his mind, being preoccupied with his small projects and professing his love for Jihyun. Neither did he notice how his friends slowly slipped away from his side, but it was all on him.

Not until you suddenly just show up, did you glue Hyungseo and Hyunjae again.

You just thanked the gods you only shared one class with Hyunjae.

"Where the fuck have you been all week? You've been MIA, always out of your house and Eunbin and Hyungseo wouldn't tell me where you were." He rambles, but you just smile at him.

"Before we start our lesson, let me congratulate y/n.." You sigh, burrowing your chin on your chest shyly. You managed to shut your friends up from blabbering about the news, but your professors. You've been receiving tons of applause because of them. "For passing the Harvard application,"

Everybody claps again, and Hyungseo proudly.

"Congratulations again," Hyungseo smiles widely, giving you a light hug.

"You knew?" Hyunjae asks Hyungseo, who only looked at him disappointingly. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He faces you. Stupid question.

The cheers fade in the background, everything dawning on Hyunjae. He felt bad, not being there when he promised to take it together with you.

"You were always busy so.." You mumbled, pressing your lips to a thin line wryly. "It's okay. It's nothing big," You shook your hand in front of his face, trying to dismiss the depleting atmosphere between the three of you.

He felt worse. How he faked he was busy, how he slowly pushed his friends away because he wanted a life of his own with his girlfriend.

"That was why you came to my house that night?" Hyunjae softly asks as the lecture starts, but you stay quiet, only giving him a sigh.

“Hey, do you have time later? I wanted to go get some coffee,” You reach out to both of them when the professor stepped out of the room, sighs leaving out of your lips.

“Yeah, let’s hang out for a little. It’s been a while,” Hyungseo agrees cooly, waiting for Hyunjae.

Hyunjae ponders– this time, he really is busy.

“Sorry.. It’s Jihyun and I’s monthsary,” He mumbles, and he feels bad yet again. He wanted to go, but he just couldn't cancel on Jihyun last minute.

“It’s okay,” Your smile didn’t reach your ears, and Hyunjae noticed it. Even how you’re rushing to get your things to walk out of the room. He notices everything but holds himself back from pointing it out.

He should’ve had.

Who knew it was the last time Hyunjae had the chance to talk to you properly?

──────────── ·  ·  ·  · ✦

"y/n. Tell me where the hell have you been the whole week?" Hyungseo catches up to you, ditching his last class to get coffee with you right at that instant.

"I was doing fine, thank you," You chuckle, tucking your books back to your locker.

"And I quote– y/n's hospitalized. I found her laying on my porch drenched in rainwater the morning after the party. I took her in and was shivering in the cold. Took her temperature, and I'm not exaggerating when I say this, it was almost 50 degrees. so I rushed her to a hospital because I thought y/n's dying. Oh. Tell Hyunjae I said fuck him. By Eunbin!"

"Eunbin's exaggerating," You chuckle once more, calming Hyungseo. "I'm okay now. You don't need to worry,"

“I’m going to tell Hyunjae,” Hyungseo huffs, turning his back on you. You quickly got his wrist, stopping him.

“Hyungseo,” You breathe out, tears forming in your eyes. Your eyes didn’t fail a day these past weeks crying for him, and pulling a stunt awhile ago to stop your tears from falling in front of him made you weak the moment you hear his name. “Please don’t,” You smile pleadingly, chuckling at yourself as you wipe your tears away.

“y/n..” Hyungseo mumbles, slowly pulling you to his embrace. Hyungseo wasn’t dumb– nor blind like Hyunjae. He knew your feelings toward the man without even asking you. It was as clear as day, and he didn’t need someone to spell your feelings for Hyungjae out to him. “I’m so sorry..” He mutters but knows it did little to nothing to aid your aching heart.

And for some fucking, stupid reason, even with your heart feeling it was slowly dying, you can’t just avoid Hyunjae.

It was suffocating to see, hear Hyunjae all over the girl he loved. It broke you. But you still found your way to him.

It was Hyunjae’s wish.

Despite his words, his inner self made a quiet wish– and that was to maintain solemnity in his life full of chaos.

The solemnity was you.

The shooting star decided to listen to Hyunjae that night, ignoring yours.

Out of all the people who made a wish through that shooting star, it decided to listen to Hyunjae’s.

“Hope.” Hyunjae surprisingly had an answer to your rhetorical question, making you pout. Hyunjae laughs at you, tucking you closer to his side.

You realize that he was right. Hope. Because if your wish was to be with Hyunjae like this forever, and it wouldn’t come true, your hope melts into nothingness.

You realized the weight of his words the moment he said it.

Why did you still hope?

Why did you still hope that your wish will come true?

In your mid-twenties, you’re still crying over the man. You’ve finished college, you’re planning to take your masters– everything changed.

Everything changed but your feelings for Hyunjae.

“Eunbin,” You cry out, instantly breaking down when she opens the door. She knew you were going to run to her. With sorrowful eyes, she cried with you as she engulfs you in a hug. It broke everyone who knew your feelings for Hyunjae. Changmin, Sangyeon, Hyungseo, Youngjae, Eunbin, your parents.

It broke them because they were torn.

Because Hyunjae will never know what you did for him. To what extent you did as you made him your priority over yourself. Your happiness.

Hyunjae was finally happy. He’s getting wedded to the person who made him happy, who loved him with all her heart.

But didn’t you also make Hyunjae happy? Didn’t you also help change Hyunjae’s perspective on the world? Weren’t you the one who was right there with Hyunjae throughout and fought with him?

Weren’t you?

“I can’t believe I ended up getting an invitation than a wedding ring,” You chuckled lifelessly, clutching on Eunbin as you cried, sobbing harder.

There was no chickening out now. You were the next in line, as you gripped on the bouquet once more.

“Let’s go!” You internally screamed, pulling the best smile you could.

Hyunjae was there, standing like the pulchritudinous man that he is in his tux, smiling at you proudly as he waited for you to walk down the aisle.

It makes you chuckle, how there was a line of eleven men as his best man smiling back at you. Bashfully covering your face with the bouquet in your hand for a moment, everything slows down.

It was wonderfully amazing for Hyunjae, how he was now seeing you walk down the aisle in person. When all he ever did was imagine it once. After that night he sobbed at you like a baby, when you both slow danced under the rain when he got the courage to land a kiss on your forehead like how he imagined before– the day after, he had imagined you waking to him down the aisle, but in reality, you were just waltzing down the hallways of your school.

It amazed Hyunjae, that now, you were making way for the bride.

“Congratulations, loser. You won,” You mumbled, winking at him before stepping aside for the bride.

“Bet I’ll get married first before you?” Hyunjae challenges, pouting at you as he huffs. You both apparently were arguing that both of your lovelife was so empty, only having each other even after years.

“Deal!” You shout back, taking the challenge. “But my deal is we’ll get married on the same day, in the same church, together,” Slyly and smoothly telling him your part of the deal, he just scoffs in disbelief and pinky promises to seal the bet.

Striding swiftly to your seat beside Eunbin who proudly smiled at you, you watch as the love of your life gets wedded, blinking back the tears that continuously formed in your eyes.

Seeing them smile at each other, you were at your endpoint– the end of the line.

So you wish.

Now that he wasn’t for you in this lifetime, you wish to at least, meet him again in your next.

And if destiny was now on your side, you wish to be his’ in your next.

But if it still isn’t, you’d rather go through all the pain, if it meant meeting him.

If going through all the pain meant seeing Hyunjae happy as he was now, it was okay.

You’re going to be okay.

At least, you hoped.

Hyunjae sighs as he wipes the sweat off his forehead, tired of having to move furniture here and there, after moving houses with Jihyun.

Lifting the last piece of furniture, a neatly folded paper, one he found so familiar slipping out of the sofa.

“Oh?” Mumbling, he mindlessly opened the paper with a smile on his face, seeing your usual doodling outside the paper.

It was a heavy feeling, opening one of the papers you gave him after a while. But still, he continued.

Hyunjae.

I promised myself one last confession– but it was also the day you introduced Jihyun to me, so I never got to. I swear to god, I don’t intend on homewrecking, it’s the last thing I want, seeing you so happy with Jihyun.

But Hyunjae. All my confessions, I want you to know they’re all real. I want to let you know, say it once– I love you. I always did, the moment I laid my eyes on you.

But.. I don’t know. Maybe it was destiny playing with me, or us. I know that you know there was something between us. Neither can I deny that. There was always something, a connection, or whatever the hell you call it– we just never pointed it out.. Until it became something normal. We made it normal.

As I watched you fall in love with someone else slowly, right in front of my eyes.. I realized that maybe it was my fault. For not having the courage to clear things up. For not having to tell you what I really felt– but I did. And the baton is thrown to you. “It’s your fault,” I wanted to tell you. I wanted to scream at you, make you see that it was your fault for not taking what I said seriously. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to throw a fit.

You’re definitely winning the bet– getting married first. I don’t know when you are, but you will be. Writing this before you get wedded feels weird. Slipping this in the creaks of your sofa as I sit here for the last time feels weird. I hope Jihyun doesn’t see this, nor do you. I just.. Wanted to take another chance to let you know how I feel.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry for taking too long. I’m so sorry for saying this now when you’re happy and content at the point of your life.

I’m sorry for loving you and for selfishly loving you, still.

Because I don’t think I’ll stop soon. And this is the part where I blame you for it. For being you– for making me fall. For making me think that maybe, the end line will be us.

But it still isn’t your fault.

And I’m so so lost because I want to blame someone that’s not you. I want to blame someone, but there’s no one.

Hyunjae, I love you. I should’ve said that when I could. And I’m so sorry that I only got to do that now.

But please, please know.. That I wouldn’t hesitate– even for a second to choose you in every lifetime there is for me.

Even if I know that you wouldn’t choose me.

Because you wouldn’t even choose me in this lifetime.

I gave you everything. Love, reassurance, care, everything. But I realize that I cannot love you into loving me.

Everyone would say that you’re overflowing with my love. But they never bat an eye on me– now pleading for a droplet of yours– or anything I can get. Anything I can salvage.

I shouldn’t ever beg for someone’s love. You taught me that.

But just this once, I wanted someone.. But it’s you.

And I’m sorry it’s you.

I meant it when I said I’m proud of you.

I’ll always be proud of you, Hyunjae.

I promised I’ll always be here. I’m sorry that it’s all I can do– given that you already have someone else.

So, I’m sorry if I throw the baton at her. I trust her, that she’ll always be there.

Always,

y/n.

Hyunjae does nothing but looks at the empty words written on the fine paper, his tears smudging the littlest of the writings.

Maybe it was also because he had realized that it was all his fault, that he should’ve faced his feelings beforehand, that instead of becoming an almost or a maybe, you could’ve become more. And it was bad– having little to big regret when he read your letter after he's banded with somebody else's life.