I Am Excited About The Person I Am Becoming.

🌷

starting again...

... doesn't mean that you failed the previous time.

it means that you have the strength to try again. you are willing and able to put in the effort again.

you know atleast a little more than you did last time. nothing can stop you ✨

Progress Report (28 March 2022)

TW: weight

So...this morning, when I was updating my stats in MyFitnessPal (which I haven’t done in almost a year), I realized that I’m 17 pounds lighter than I was last year in May 2021. Sometime between towards the end of December 2021 and the beginning of this year, I made the decision to stop focusing so much on calories. I’ve shifted my focus on eating more intuitively and on how the food I eat makes me feel. I have also not been actively weighing myself. I think the last time I stepped on a scale in my own home was over a year ago. The only reason why I know how much I weigh now is because I had a doctor’s appointment a few days ago.

I feel good because I hadn’t realized that I’ve made that much progress so far. I knew I had made some, since some of my favorite clothes weren’t fitting as tightly, but I had assumed it was probably just from bloating less.

I really hope I continue to see this trend. I’m also hoping that since it’s taking longer than I’m used to, it’ll be more sustainable in the long run :)

I know this post isn’t going to go with the usual vibe I want for my blog, but I don’t have anywhere else to say this. So my apologies if it’s a bit of a downer. Just keep scrolling. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming later. This is mostly for me. But anyway…

I’ve been feeling so incredibly lonely lately.

I can’t talk about these feelings with anyone anymore. It’s pointless. I’ve realized that people just don’t want to hear it. Which I totally understand. If you’re experiencing all of these happy milestones (career, love, health, family, etc), the last thing you’d probably want to listen to is an unhappy person who is struggling with the very things you’re thriving in. It probably brings you down. But I really don’t have anyone left at this point to talk to and who would understand. I’m so fucking unhappy. And I feel so fucking unloveable.

I know I’m not a terrible person but sometimes it feels like I am. Otherwise, why is my life like this?

Maybe it’s karma from a previous life that I don’t even remember. Maybe I, unknowingly, crossed a voodoo witch or something. I don’t really know. All I know is, I really want this feeling to go away.

No amount of therapy, self love, going outside and “touching grass,” etc seems to help. I feel like such a shell of a human being right now. I’m so tired and lost.

For any mutuals who see this, if you’ve ever felt this way, has it gotten better? What helped you? Because despite doing everything you’re “supposed to,” I don’t feel any better and things haven’t changed at all for me.

Some days I fear things will never get better for me.

I keep holding onto hope but it’s hard.

It’s even harder when you have to go through something like this alone, because you don’t want to bother anyone anymore.

That’s all I guess…

Until later.

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but your progress is not ruined after 1 bad day, 2 bad days, maybe even a month or more of bad days. Everything you experienced and learned during that time is valuable and essential for your growth. Forgive yourself, and try again. 

credit

You better tf not and I’ll remind you everytime