Tara Look

Shaun of the Dead is literally the current British reaction to the coronavirus.

Sirius’s cave in Goblet of Fire

can no longer listen to criticisms of how dumb people are in horror movies because it’s been half a year of a pandemic and we still can’t convince people to do something as basic as putting a piece of cloth over their face.

Crowley’s Roman Look is Very Strange

I didn’t. I didn’t want to be this person. But Aziraphale is sitting RIGHT THERE looking like A TOTALLY RESPECTABLE Roman citizen circa 40 AD. Maybe the hair might be unusual, but the Romans LOVED blonde hair. They thought it was cool and foreign and exotic in sort of a sexy way.

But Crowley is so historically confused. And I think the production design is too good and Neil Gaiman is too on top of his game for this to be accidental. It must mean something. 

I - HAIR

What is on your head Crowley. Are you the emperor? Are you a victorious general currently participating in a victory parade? 

Sure, you sometimes see laurel wreathes in portraits. But FUNERAL portraits.

That crown is a symbolic thing, to celebrate your victories in life. It’s not STREET WEAR. 

And okay. It’s 40-41 AD. Caligula is emperor. Military chic is in. If you’re a guy, you’re wearing your hair short and un-styled (LIKE AZIRAPHALE.) Those dramatic little spit curls wouldn’t show up until at least Nero. 

But actually, pulling back for a second - are you appreciating the absurdity that is this hairstyle? Because it took me a second to notice that only the FRONT HALF is curled.

Which is a Roman hairstyle. But it’s a Roman LADY hairstyle. 

(It tends to get called ‘Flavian Hair’ because the Flavian era ladies of the 70s-90s got pretty extreme about it, but you still had less… dramatic versions in the 40s.)

That’s you, Crowley. That’s your style reference. Honestly, if you had just kept your hair long everybody would have thought you were a cool barbarian chieftain or something. 

II - CLOTHES

The black is fine. It’s eccentric, but fine. Romans wore black. Wearing black was Cato the Younger’s *thing.* It gets associated with mourning and/or protest, but it would have been really visually confusing to have Crowley wear some other color. This gets a pass.

Nope, my question is about his articles of clothing. There’s a charcoal grey garment that seems to be a toga + undershirt. It’s looped over Crowley’s arm, which is a classic toga give away. 

That part’s fine. But over the top, he’s wearing a true black… short cape? Shawl? it’s really hard to tell, because whatever it is, he is NOT wearing it correctly (is it folded in half?) Also, that irregular red zigzag pattern is very strange and I do not recognize it from anywhere. Seriously, I can’t even decide on a continent for this garment.

III - JEWELRY

Emperor Nero usually gets credit for inventing the first sunglasses, after he started watching gladiators fight though a green gemstone. He won’t be emperor for about ten years. But hey, he probably got the idea from somewhere. And dark glasses are just a really sensible way to hide your snakey eyes. This is also the first time we see Crowley put up some proper emotional barriers, so it’s a good place for the glasses to be introduced. (@theladyzephyr has a wonderful meta that goes into a lot more detail here.) 

So the sunglasses are good. BUT THAT BROOCH.

Okay. This is Aziraphale wearing a fibula plate brooch

It’s a really Roman style, and a really Roman shape (a “pelta”)

I’ve never seen one that looks like angel wings, but a Roman citizen is going to look at that and see a soppily patriotic Imperial Eagle. How nice that this lovely man from Germania/Greece has made some money and become such an exemplary citizen!

But Crowley is wearing a penannular (pin-and-ring) brooch

That’s not roman. That’s a style from the British Isles (Irish, Pictish, Scottish, Welsh.) It says barbarian, boonies, outskirts of the civilized world. 

And nobody @ me with pictures of pin-and-ring brooches from Rome. Those are small, cheap, and undecorated. They’re the cultural equivalent of safety pins. This is patterned like a snake, and it’s the size of Crowley’s palm. 

AND THAT’S ANOTHER THING. They didn’t do snake-themed jewelry in the British isles. Snakes didn’t have the best cultural associations there, and there weren’t too many of them there to begin with. This isn’t something Crowley picked up because “hey, a snake, cool,” and then got attached too. This must have been commissioned special. 

But you know who LOVED snake jewelry? 

ROMANS. 

Romans associated snakes with healing and rebirth - clinics sometimes had lil snakes crawling around on the ground to give the place good vibes. 

You cannot tell me that Crowley could have existed in Rome for any length of time and not picked up some of this jewelry. Which leads me to my conclusion:

IV - CROWLEY IS EXTREMELY NEW IN TOWN

The unfashionable pin and hair? The clothing draped the wrong way? The cultural colorblindness of wearing a laurel crown when you’re not supposed to? Crowley looks like a tacky tourist because he is one. He’s not staying here long, he “just nipped in for a quick temptation.”

He’s in a bad mod because he’s had an awful day, everyone keeps looking at him funny, the temptation was a complete bust, he has culture shock, and now he’s just trying to get a drink. But they don’t have any PROPER drinks like ALE or MEAD here, so he just orders “whatever’s drinkable.” He’s even not sure what they drink in Rome. 

But then Aziraphale shows up and invites him to lunch some place fashionable. So everything’s going to be okay.

Hahahahahahaha

#JusticeforJames

James Potter in the books vs James Potter in the movies

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone - BOOK

Dumbledore: This one time, Harry, your father saved Snape’s life.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone - MOVIE

*no mention of such event*

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - BOOK

Sirius: Harry, I did this really douchey thing once, and I tried to have Remus kill Snape, but your father heard about it and rushed off to save his life.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - MOVIE

*no mention of such event*

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - BOOK

*Harry goes into Pensieve and sees James and Sirius picking on Snape very unfairly - Lily intervenes - Snape cuts James’s face open - James does a dick move - Lily gets pissed - Snape calls Lily a Mudblood for absolutely no reason whatsoever - Lily leaves them to it - James gears up for another dick move*

Snape: *interrupting* GTFO, BITCH!

Harry: HOLY SHIT MY FATHER WAS AN ASSHOLE! *warm and fuzzy illusions ruined*

Sirius and Remus: What up?

Harry: You guys. My Dad was an asshole.

Sirius and Remus: OMG NO! HARRY, SERIOUSLY! Look, James was an immature prat when he was a teenager and he did horrible things and WE’RE NOT DENYING IT and everyone regrets how they acted back then, but he grew up and became a better person and he was a great man, I swear. And it wasn’t like Snape was innocent because he was really mixed up in Dark Arts and James HATED Dark Arts so much.

Harry: But my Mum hated him omg.

Sirius and Remus: Dude don’t even worry about that it’s cool, she totally didn’t.

Harry: Okay.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - MOVIE

*Harry breaks into Snape’s memory in a way that isn’t really possible for somebody who can’t do Legilimency and sees James bullying the shit out of Snape and being the biggest dick in the world*

Harry: ….. my father was an asshole.

*nobody contradicts him*

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - BOOK

*Harry looks into the Pensieve and sees how Snape was in love with Lily but drove her to abandoning their friendship after becoming heavily invested in the Dark Arts and planning to become a Death Eater, and then finally calling her a Mudblood even though Lily was his only friend, and this is a totally rational reason for Lily to break ties with him and we already know that James Potter was essentially a good guy so it makes so much sense that Lily would fall in love with and marry him*

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - MOVIE

*Harry looks into the Pensieve and sees that SNAPE AND LILY WERE SOULMATES OMG BUT THAT BASTARD JAMES POTTER TURNED UP OUT OF NOWHERE AND RIPPED THEM FROM ONE ANOTHER OMG IT’S SO SAD THEIR LOVE WAS TRUE AND NOW SNAPE’S HOLDING HER CORPSE LIKE A FUCKING CREEP BUT OMG SO SAD, GUYS*

Rating the birds in my backyard by tendency toward violence

Northern Cardinal, 4/10

I'm sometimes worried the male is sexually harassing the female but I'm pretty sure they're just doing some elaborate public pickup roleplay. The rest of us didn't agree to participate in your kink, guys.

American Robin, 1/10

Literally just some dude hanging out. Never bothered anyone but worms. Big fan of the way you just stand there in the middle of the grass like you forgot what you were supposed to be doing.

House Sparrow, 10/10

You're a gang. You're participating in gang violence. There's ten billion of you living in a single wood pile and it's been civil war for three years now. When will the bloodshed end?

Tufted Titmouse, 1/10

A shy baby. A pretty little guy. I saw you on the neighbor's garage roof and time stopped. There were anime sparkles around you. Come back.

European Starling, 9/10

Why is it always you? Listen, I know, I KNOW the sparrows are the problem, and YET. When the fighting starts, it's always you in the middle of it, provoking them and then screaming like you're an innocent bystander defending yourself. I'm onto you.

Carolina Wren, 3/10

This rating is not for physical violence, which you don't engage in, but for your role as an incurable narc. A tattle tale. I know they're fighting again, okay? I see it. Our yard has been a warzone for years, you don't have to make a big announcement every time someone misbehaves.

Eastern Wood-Peewee, 0/10

If this were "birds who think they're better than everyone else," you'd get 10/10.

Red-bellied Woodpecker, 6/10

It's a utility pole. It's not a tree. You're surrounded by trees that are full of bugs. But there you are, on the utility pole. Committing vandalism.

American Crow, unrated

For who am I to cast judgment on the actions of La Famiglia? I assume you are doing what is best for the neighborhood. If I could, though, without criticism, make a single observation. That when large numbers of you gather in the ominous dead cottonwood - no? No, you're right. None of my business.

Great Crested Flycatcher, 5/10

Frankly, I think you could be doing more. I think your name implies a great potential. I think you should massacre the insects. I think your beak should drip with viscera.

Stay tuned for more criminal activity!

Could never get a dick piercing. What if I get near a strong magnet and it rips my thang asunder